Ever since becoming an alicorn, the thoughts of ending up alone were Twilight's constant companion. But she knew that no matter how many years would pass, Celestia and Luna would always be there for her. That comforting thought allowed her to go on. Until now.
With Luna dead, and Celestia on her deathbed, Twilight realized that with the crown, she got more than she bargained for. Feeling alone and betrayed, she had reluctantly decided to visit Celestia one last time...
Meta:
Cover based on the image from: https://derpibooru.org/2170986
Apparently, the story got inside the feature box for a tiny moment. Thank you, dear readers 
Chapters (1)
Man, the feels were real in this story
Beautiful
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Thank you
This thing it's just something that was nagging me ever since the ending episode. I just had to write that one, or I would go mad
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Hnng.. Ow
Seriously though, this was great. And you're right, it's something I kind of needed as well.
THAT'S how you get a potential reader interested using your description.
I'll preface all this by saying that if you wrote this mostly for yourself and you are satisfied with how it turned out, I'd call this a success.
But, that being said, this fell super flat for me and overall felt pretty sloppy. The premise, I thought was pretty promising, and made for a good hook, but it didn't take long at all before this fell apart for me.
I think the first thing that felt a bit off to me was the perspective. Because this felt like it was meant to be strictly Twilight's perspective--which makes total sense--but bits of it are written as if they're the view of an omniscient observer. This bit, for instance:
Where everything after that first sentence is very much a description of what Twilight looks like on the outside, which is something Twilight herself shouldn't really be noticing in this instance.
And then here:
Where we don't just get Twilight's action, but also the interpretation of her action. Which, again, Twilight shouldn't be privy to.
So that'd be something I'd suggest keeping an eye out for. It's overall a minor detail, but it yanked me out of the story often enough it might be something to keep in mind.
My other issue had to do with Twilight's tone. I think the sort of demeanor she had with Celestia felt really off to me. The first bit to make me think that was probably this:
Where it's, like... to me, the chuckle and the grin make this out to be a very psychotic, vindictive kind of anger. And--subjectivity inbound--this felt enormously insensitive of her given that Celestia was dying, especially when then narration makes a point earlier that Twilight had already blown up at Celestia before. And then when this bit came along:
The phrasing really made me feel like Twilight was purposefully trying to guilt-trip Celestia. So overall, by this point, Twilight had come across as being kind of an insufferable twat, and it pretty much destroyed my ability to sympathize with her. It seemed like a series of really weird choices, which were made all the worse when Twilight blew up at Celestia again closer to the end of the story. Which I think you could have gotten away with a lot more easily--again, subjectivity inbound, but I feel like it would've been a lot more potent if we'd seen Twilight containing her anger throughout the story so that when she finally does let it out in the end, there's buildup and context to make it more appropriate and impactful.
So, yeah, basically the emotional high points of this did not work whatsoever for me. There were a few more nitpicky remarks (I didn't like the usage of "twilighting" or the repeated cake lines, those felt too kind of... real-life memey instead of being authentic to the character--but that might very well be a me thing, since I have no idea off the top of the head whether those things are actually drawn from the show), but overall it was Twilight's demeanor, I think, that really broke this for me.
And, again, I think the foundation of this story is perfectly passable. It's just all in the presentation of it where it lost me. Hence why I think this could've used some more careful editing, just to smooth down some of those rough patches.
That's about all I have to say. Apologies for the chunky comment, but I hope at least some it's helpful. And, again, if you wrote this mainly for yourself than I hope writing it helped.
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Well... Glad you liked it. Still, I prefer to think Celestia and Luna are fine. They just gave Twilight the crown because they were tired ruling. And now they're hitting every bar in Equestria, drinking everyone under the table
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Hmm, I guess it's good I wrote the long description, then. At first, I was tempted to just paste over the short one there
Aside from the description, did you enjoy it, or was it 'meh'
?
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I can't say I'm 100% satisfied with it either, but it was to publish what you have or not publish it, so...
I'm not sure why you thought it was meant to be told from Twilight's perspective, though... I mean, it's written in third person omniscient, not first person. Can you even show someone's POV in the third person (honestly, I don't think I ever read a story like that, can you give an example)? Unless you meant that you had expected first-person and the fact that it was the third person was odd to you?
That story follows the idea that being an alicorn does not automatically grant you immortality. Twilight's tone comes from the fact that she's equally angry and scared.
- She's angry because of how she had learned about the transfer of immortality (during Luna's funeral), and because by transferring their immortality to her, Celestia and Luna set in motion Twi's biggest fear (outliving everyone and ending up alone).
- She's scared because she's about to lose one of her friends, a mentor, and a motherly figure - something she didn't plan on. Her plan for ruling and relying on Celestia for support and knowledge has just crumbled like a house of cards.
- On top of that, knowing Twilight's personality and her connection to Celestia, she probably blames herself, fighting with thoughts like "I could have not accept the crown/I could have asked more questions/I could have done xxx."
I tried to show Twi using the angry outbursts as a way to cover her own insecurities (as people often do) until she finally cracked in the end, and spilled the beans. That was the idea, anyway...
My interpretation here was that the initial blow out - during Luna's funeral - was the starting point (Twilight learning the truth why Luna died, and about her immortality), and Twi's anger only grew from that point on. Keep in mind, this is happening something 35 years after the coronation. Twilight is no longer the naive, young mare she was. She reacts differently (more experience, but also no longer protective of Celestia).
IMHO, given the fact that neither Celestia nor Luna ever told her about the immortality transfer, she would be pretty devastated by the news. I think she would feel betrayed by Celestia. It's that feeling that would fuel her anger.
Just a note, but again - Twilight is twice as old as she was during her coronation. While I doubt 'young' Twilight would share cake jokes with Celestia, I think 'old' Twilight would have no problem with that. Of course, that's my view on this.
You're probably right, and I was toying with the idea of asking for an editor, but... I do not always agree with the edits people want. Then the awkward situation quickly develops where I don't want to reject the edit not to offend feelings but also don't want to accept it... It's a mess
.
Oh, no. Such analysis is always useful and helpful. Seeing thing from a different perspective helps A LOT
Also I'll keep that one in mind:
I have an idea at a different (but somehow related) one-shot. If it materializes, I may try that approach
This is very sad, but I love it so much
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I think this type of third person narration is called "third person limited" or something like that. It's in third person, but you only get in the head or POV of one chapter and get the direct feelings of that character, usually the protagonist's. The narration is usually much more biased towards the character the POV is focused on too.
Usually, I don't link my own stories in the comments of other stories. But since you asked for a story that did it, this story I wrote uses this type of narration. The 1st and 4th chapters focuses on Twilight's POV and feelings, though the 1st chapter's narration is more comedic and even does a 4th wall break. But the 2nd and 3rd chapter focuses on Chrysalis's thoughts and feelings. You would even think the 1st and 4th chapters had a very different narrator then the one 2nd and 3rd chapters had. Because of how I did the narration in the 1st chapter, the three chapters after it I think is a better look of this type of narration.
- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Comedy
Thanks to Twilight Sparkle, instead of love and revenge, Queen Chrysalis only got love. But NOT the kind she wanted.Oh, and congrats on being featured.
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Ah, okay, my apologies for misunderstanding. I had expected third-person narration, because I think that's the most typical one you find in fiction, but I think specifically third-person limited is what's normal, where, like... sure, yeah, because you describe the characters by name, it sort of is from the perspective of an omniscient narrator, but there's kind of this understanding that we're only inside one character's head at a time. A Song of Ice and Fire is written that way, for one example. It's third-person, but in each chapter we only get the thoughts of one character at a time.
Another example of this, in fanfiction, might be something like this story, which I'm quite fond of. It opens like this:
Where it's not first-person narration, but we're sort of seeing the world through the same filter that Adagio--and only Adagio--does, which I would sort of count as her POV. To illustrate that, someone else standing in the room probably wouldn't experience the memories of fading notes that Adagio talks about. Does that kind of make sense?
In any case, apologies for misjudging the story. I know some people do write in a more omniscient perspective where we do get to see multiple characters' thoughts, but I never write that way and don't read it often at all, so when I wasn't sure at first whether instances of that added anything to the story, I assumed it wasn't intentionally written that way. But that's at least partially on me, not the story itself.
I agree with the premises you establish here, actually. Twilight's older, yes, she shouldn't be as naïve, yes, she absolutely feels betrayed by Celestia, yes.
My issue is that her reaction here felt like the naïve, immature one. Cadance advised her to hear Celestia out, at least try to understand her side of things, but Twilight goes in guns blazing, like she's more intent on proving Celestia wrong than trying to understand her. To me, that comes across as... childish and selfish, to be honest, and at this point I'd expect Twilight to be better than that. Twilight's well aware that Celestia might not get another chance to talk to her ever, but she speaks over her and doesn't give her that chance.
And, to clarify things, I think Twilight's justified in having an angry outburst here and there. But Celestia hasn't gotten a word of explanation out of her mouth before Twilight jumps down her throat. My issue isn't that she's angry. She should be, absolutely. It's what she does with that anger that bothers me. Not trying to protect Celestia isn't the same thing as lashing out at her.
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Glad you enjoyed it
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Thanks for the tips. I read about the difference between third-person omniscient vs. limited in one of Janice Hardy's books, but that was almost two years ago. Looking at the examples she had provided in the book, I think I finally understand what you mean by a 'weird perspective.' I will have to take a closer look at that in the future. Also, I'll check out the stories you linked, to get better ideas :)
Wait? It got featured
? I had no idea, must have been in the box for a tiny moment... Thanks for the info 
Hmm, you know, now that I think about it, I believe you're right
. Twilight should have at least let Celestia explain herself before blowing up. Also, If I had left only the final meltdown, I could have used those few hundred words to build up momentum for better effect... 
Oh, well, what's done is done. But I'll keep that in mind for future stories
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Cool
This was good. It's just like one of mine almost. I knew that the crown came with the sun and moon powers so I figured that was the source of immortality for those two. It makes sense since Cadence aged normally that it's not being an alicorn that makes one immortal or longer lived. I think Twilight will pass the power the Luster and die with her friends.
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To be honest, I hate the whole 'power with the crown' headcanon, and I won't follow it aside from that story. Frankly, I wrote that because I needed to vent
. Then again, I hate the whole Celestia/Luna retiring thing, so... 
Also, not sure about what you mean with Cadance? For me, Cadance is rather the proof that alicorns get bigger as they age (like Twilight did). I would say that thing was consistent, given their age difference at the start of the show when Twi was just a filly, Cadance was already the size of adult Twilight:
i.makeagif.com/media/6-09-2015/0dkNEl.gif
Then, when they met during Canterlot Wedding, she was already taller than adult Twilight:
i.ytimg.com/vi/GWeMFgBkJtA/maxresdefault.jpg
So, that would seem consistent with alicorn aging shown later, IMHO.
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I mean not everyone is going to be composed all the time and with the possible exception of Luna (who we never see as being all that close with her), this is the first time that we know of that someone close to her is dying, which is traumatic in of itself and it's happening to someone who she thought was going to live with her forever. It may not be mature but it actually makes a lot of sense from a psychological and emotional standpoint.
I know right! I get that they needed to end the show on a emotional moment, and I guess it makes sense that something like this was the best they come up with, but even so you've got to think their were better ways to end the show.