• Published 17th Jan 2020
  • 699 Views, 15 Comments

The Final Sundown - Huk



Twilight feared she would outlive her family and friends, but she never thought she would outlive Celestia and Luna first.

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Chapter 1

It was a pleasant cloudless day in Silver Shoals, with a gentle breeze coming from the sea. The soothing sound of splashing waves in the air was a reminder to sit down, relax, and smell the roses.

But rest and relaxation were the last things on Twilight’s mind. As her chariot hit the ground, she moved the sun to the other side of the sky, and with a sigh, began walking towards a small cottage situated on the cliff, fighting her body each step of the way. She didn’t want to be there.

“I’m glad you decided to come,” Cadance’s tired voice greeted her at the door. “Please, follow me.”

Twilight nodded and walked inside. Her face was empty, emotionless, and regal. A mask of calmness, covering the infernal anger that was burning deep within her. But as soon as the cottage’s door closed, that mask began to shatter, and doubts intensified a thousandfold. It all felt wrong.

“I’m still not sure this is a good idea,” Twilight said flatly. “You know what happened the last time.”

Cadance knew. Everyone knew how Twilight felt betrayed and hurt by Celestia. The last time they saw each other at Luna’s funeral, ended up in a fight that gave tabloids fuel for weeks.

“Twilight, I know you feel used, and to some extent, maybe rightfully so, but... At least let her explain her reasons.”

But Twilight slowly shook her head. “Thirty-five years ago, she gave me this crown, claiming she trust me to rule all of Equestria,” she smiled bitterly. “But I guess I wasn’t trustworthy enough to hear the whole story, was I?”

The view of the door to Celestia’s quarters saved Cadance from answering. “We’re here.”

Twilight waited for Cadance to lead her on, but the Princess of Love, moved aside, along with a couple of guards stationed there.

“You’re not coming with me?”

“No, Twilight. Celestia wants to see you alone.”

The slow, deep exhale that came out of Twilight was a dead giveaway that she wasn’t very fond of the idea. But, after a short pause, and a reluctant nod, she began turning towards the door, only to feel Cadance’s hoof on her shoulder.

“Twilight, Celestia doesn’t have a lot of time. Please, give her a chance to explain everything. You will not get another.”

For a second, Twilight wanted to counter, but as soon as she glanced into Cadance’s baggy and glistening eyes, the idea quickly vanished.

“I’ll try, Cadance. I’ll try…” Twilight said, opened the door, and walked inside...

***

Seeing the Princess walking inside, the few nurses and doctors that were there nodded and moved out. When the door closed, an eerie silence filled the room, interrupted periodically only by a raspy sound of labored breaths coming from the single bed.

“I know I am not a pretty sight, but I promise not to bite,” Celestia finally said and smiled gently. “Please, come closer.”

Twilight complied, but slowly – almost as if sightseeing the place. To her surprise, the room was very bare, with only a bed, some flowers and a desk. But one thing special about it was the giant window overlooking the sea that seemed to stretch to infinity. Involuntarily, she paused, admiring the beautiful sight, until Celestia’s words awoke her from the daydream.

“It is a nice view, is it not? When Luna and I moved in here, I wanted a house overlooking the west so that I could admire the sunset.”

“You didn’t call me here just to show me this, did you?”

“No, I did not,” Celestia’s smile went flat, and a sigh escaped her. “I wanted to say goodbye, and... explain to you why I did it.”

Again, there was silence, then a dark chuckle. Celestia’s words rekindled Twilight’s fire, and she turned towards her mentor, with an angry grin.

“Explain what exactly? Explain that with the crown, I got yours and Luna’s immortality? Or, maybe explain how you ‘forgot’ to tell me about it when asking me about becoming the ruler?”

“T-twilight, I—”

“Or maybe explain why you hid yours and your sister’s condition from the rest of the world for the last few years?!”

“T-twilight, p-please, let me—”

“No! If I knew what comes with that darn crown, I would have never agreed to become a ruler! You used me, Celestia!”

Even through her clenched teeth, Twilight yells were loud enough to wake the dead, and quickly going from bad to worse. All the anger she felt for Celestia culminated in that single moment and blasted out of her like a cannonball. But she left the strongest bomb for last.

“And what about Luna?! She spent a thousand years on the moon, and a few years after she got back, you convinced her to give her life away?! What were you thinking?!”

When Twilight’s scream finally died down, the anxious waiting began. The familiar scenario has already played in her mind many times over. She had envisioned Celestia to come out with some clumsy retort or an excuse justifying her actions for ‘the greater good.’

“Well, are you going to say anything?” Twilight asked, but when the silence persisted, she glanced back at the bed. “Celestia?”

In an instant, Twilight’s anger transformed into fear, freezing her in place. Her eyes shot wide and filled with dread, and her jaw hit the floor. Paralyzed, she kept staring at Celestia’s flat rib cage, like some grotesque stone statue, not believing her senses. It was like a scene from the nightmare. Except, she was awake.

Then, slowly, Celestia’s chest began moving up once again, quickly followed by a wheeze and forceful cough. The phlegmy sound brought Twilight back from her paralytic slumber, and into full panic mode.

“D-doctor, doctor! Come quickly!”

But as soon as the door opened, Celestia sent the doctor away, weakly shaking her head. “There is no need for that.”

“W-what are you doing?! You need help!”

“There is no cure for old age,” another sentence, another gurgling cough. “B-but, if you could pour me a g-glass of water, I would be—”

Before Celestia could finish, a glass of cold, fresh water, materialized in front of her out of thin air, pushing a smile on her tired face. To Twilight’s surprise, Celestia grabbed the glass with her shaky hooves instead of her magic and began slowly gulping it down.

It was the first time Twilight had a chance to take a better look at her old mentor. To say she looked frail would be an understatement. She was skinny, with bones clearly visible through the tiny layer of muscles. Her once ever-floating mane and tail were trimmed and dull, and her hooves were shaking more than Granny Smith’s.

Finally, the empty glass hit the nightstand. “Thank you...” Celestia said, only to notice Twilight’s stare. “Not a pretty sight, am I?”

“Well, you looked better…” Twilight said, and exhaled deeply. It was a sigh of guilt. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled. Do you want me to order something? Maybe… your favorite cake?”

“Oh, I see. You are offering me my last meal...”

“W-what? No! No! O-of course not!”

“It is all right, Twilight, I understand. You finally realized I am going to kick the bucket soon, and want to be civil...”

Twilight frantically shook her head in denial. “No! I swear. It’s not like that! I just wanted to...” Suddenly, her panic attack stopped, and she cocked her head. Something was not right here. “Wait a second... ‘Kick the bucket’?” When a sly grin appeared on Celestia’s face, she finally realized what happened. “You were joking...”

“Yes, I was...” Celestia’s grin widened. “I already had my last meal.”

Twilight frowned. “Ha, ha, very funny...”

“It is from my perspective. You have no idea how I missed your ‘twilighting.’”

Twilight frowned intensified, but only for a moment. Maybe it was Celestia’s beaming face, or maybe the good old memories, but for the first time since the conversation started, Twilight smiled herself.

“Believe it or not, but I haven’t been ‘twilighting’ in ages.”

“So I heard. But, it brings back good memories...” Celestia let out a long exhale, and her smile faded again. It was confession time. “You had the right to yell, Twilight, I owe you an apology. But our passing was never meant to happen so quickly.”

“But, you knew it would happen.”

“Yes, Luna and I knew that after giving the crown, we would eventually die. But according to our estimates, we thought we would have about three hundred years, not thirty. By that time, you would have been acquainted with the idea.”

Twilight furrowed her brow, paused, then gently shook her head. She wasn’t satisfied with the answer.

“Why didn’t you say anything? We could have shared the connection to the sun and the moon. It would keep all of us immortal.”

“If it were that simple, estimates about Luna’s and my lifespan would not be off by a factor of ten, and I would not be here today. Besides... there were other reasons.”

“Other reasons?” Again, Twilight shook her head, piercing Celestia with a cold gaze. “What could have possibly been worth giving up your life?!”

“Luna...”

The single word took Twilight by surprise, putting out her blaze once again. Her regal mask shattered, leaving behind a mixture of sadness and curiosity. Celestia took it for a sign to continue.

“When Luna got back, I have promised myself to always be there for her. To make sure she would never again feel alienated. To... make her happy. It was not until the map sent Starlight that I realized it was not working.”

“You mean, that time when she switched your cutie marks?”

Celestia nodded. “That day, Luna and I finally realized that our royal duties were pushing us apart more and more. We knew it would not stop as long as we were rulers.”

“So, you decided to dump it all on me?” Twilight’s lips curled into a sarcastic smile. “Thank you kindly.”

Celestia responded with a smirk of her own. “I would be lying if I said it was not part of the reason, but only one of many. Equestria needed a modern ruler, and neither Luna nor I were up to the task. Equestria needed you, Twilight. But, as I said, that was only one of the reasons. The other one...” Celestia glanced away, weakly pointing her shaky hoof at a book on the desk. “Could you get me that? I want to show you something.”

A second later, the thick looking, worn-out book was in Celestia’s hooves. The ragged covers radiated with energy, sending electricity through her entire body, and forcing some water out of her weary eyes. Like some artifact of great power. And for Celestia, it was.

“Are you all right?” Twilight said, seeing her tears. “What is it?”

“This book is the journal Luna and I used to document our time after your coronation,” Celestia sighed and sniffled. “It just brings back memories, that is all. Here, for example,” she switched to one of the pages, “you can see our trip to Kirin village.”

“... why is Luna frowning?”

Celestia smiled again. “Let us just say that my sister caught the eye of a certain mouthy mare living there.”

“Autumn Blaze? ... wait, she was hitting on Luna?!”

“I might have… encouraged her a little,” Twilight arched her eyebrow, scolding Celestia like a filly. “What? I wanted my sister to be happy.”

“Or, you’re just making that up now, because you wanted to have some fun at Luna’s expense.”

“I... would not rule that out completely,” Celestia winked. “Besides, she got her revenge,” she switched to another page. This time she was the one frowning. “Diamond Dogs’ lands... I had a gem smashing competition with a... male diamond dog.”

“But, that’s part of their mating ritual...” This time Twilight’s lips were arching into a smirk. “You didn’t know?”

“No, I did not, but Luna knew. Oh, she knew! To avoid a diplomatic incident, I was forced to stay with him for a few hours as she took her precious time explaining everything,” a grimace of revulsion filled Celestia’s face. “Twenty years later, and I can still remember his smell, ugh...”

“Well, if it’s any consolation, they’re much more civilized now, and less… smelly. What else is in there?”

“A lot, Twilight,” Celestia began turning page after page, commenting as she went on. “Here, is me trying not to die of boredom when we went to the opera ... Here is when Luna kicked the flank of some young dragons making fun of her mane,” Twilight arched her eyebrow. “To be fair, she gave them a chance to apologize first, so ... Oh, and here is when a minotaur challenged me for a cake eating competition.”

“Who won?” Celestia shot her a smirking glance. “Right, rhetorical question...”

“Easiest and tastiest two hundred bits I ever earned.”

“I bet it was,” Twilight paused, and her smile faded a little then. “I admit it is all very interesting, but why are you showing me this? What does that have to do with shedding off your immortality?”

Celestia closed the journal and sighed. “I’m showing you this because I want to say... Thank you.”

Twilight cocked her head in confusion. “For what?”

“This book contains memories of the last thirty years of my life. Thirty years, as an ordinary pony, just living, traveling, meeting other normal ponies, and having fun with her sister. The sister she… didn’t d-deserve...”

Celestia’s tired eyes began glistening like diamonds, and soon after, the trembling lips and voice joined them in the emotional display. A mixture of good, bad, and regret, was coming down on her, breaking through the emotional barriers like a speeding train.

“Now, I am rotting away in this bed, barely able to move, eat, or drink, and each inhale feels like a workout. Yeah, it is pretty lousy, but... The last thirty years were the best years of my life! And I would not trade them for anything!” Then, the train broke through the dam, flooding her worn-out face with fresh water. “Y-you made it possible, Twilight. And for that, I thank you.”

Twilight glanced at her former mentor with a deadpan expression. Then, she stood up, and without a word, walked towards the giant window overlooking the sea. She locked her eyes on the horizon, thinking.

“I know what you are going to say. That Luna and I could have had all of that without sacrificing our immortality, and maybe you are right. Maybe with research, we would find a way to somehow share the connection, and all stay immortal...”

“But...”

“But... Twilight, I have been alive for twelve hundred years. Neither Luna nor I, ever had, what you would call a normal life. We were princesses all our life, we wanted a change.”

“Yes… You wanted a change, but... What about me?” Twilight stopped admiring the ocean and turned towards Celestia. This time, her eyes were the ones filled with some water. “Have you stopped for a second to think about how that change would make me feel? Or how I would feel about n-not being asked?!”

“I am sorry, but I know you, Twilight. We both know that if we had asked, you would have said no.”

“Because I’m not ready for this!”

“Nonsense. That peace negotiation between—”

“It’s not what I mean!” This time, Celestia was the one tilting her head in confusion. “You really don’t understand, do you?!”

Breathing fast and not waiting for a reply, Twilight turned around, once again looking at the outside world. The endless ocean was like a reminder of the path she took as a princess. A wondrous journey into the unknown, filled with treasures and adventure, but also sacrifices and pain. The worst was the feeling of emptiness, looming just over the horizon. How long could she travel before she would become alone, with no way back home?

After a few long and slow exhales, Twilight began talking again. “Ever since I finished that spell, and became an alicorn, the thoughts of ending up alone were my constant companion. Knowing that I will most likely outlive my parents, friends, and family was a dreadful feeling. But I kept going because I always thought that you and Luna will be there. No matter how many years will pass, or how many friends I will lose, I thought I will have the two of you.”

Twilight turned again, with teeth clenched, eyes squinted and wet. Her trembling red-hot face was piercing Celestia with a gaze of anger and rage, ready to explode at any moment.

“And then, one day, I learned that Luna is on her deathbed, and she’s been there for weeks! I also learned that You are not much better off and that soon I will be alone, with no one to turn to for guidance or help. But most of all, I learned that you did this on purpose, without even asking me!”

“Twilight, I...” Celestia started, but the view of Twilight shaking with a mixture of pain, anger, and misery left her lost for words. Except for the basics. “I am, sorry, Twilight...”

“Sorry? You’re sorry?! Do you have any idea how I felt the day I learned the truth?! Betrayed, doesn’t even begin to describe it!” Twilight cried out, accusingly jerking her hoof at Celestia. “You left me! You used me! And now, you say you’re… you’re—”

Twilight’s yell was cut short, suddenly overwhelmed by pain and anguish, and a second later, tears flooded her trembling cheeks. It was like a torrent, soaking her entire face, and the floor below.

The image of Twilight weeping like a filly gave Celestia the power she didn’t know she still had. With what was left of her magic, she pulled her former student to her bed and hugged her tightly, letting Twilight’s tears soak her tangled coat. There was no resistance.

“I am, sorry, Twilight,” Celestia let some water out of her eyes as well. “I am so sorry...”

They stayed locked in that tight embrace for a while, letting their tears flow quietly. A silent and intimate moment, louder than a thousand words.

“I d-don’t want you to go,” Twilight sobbed. “I feel so alone and so afraid...”

“Everything that has a beginning has an end. One day, even that beautiful ocean outside, will be no more,” Celestia’s words made Twilight embrace her even tighter. “But you are not alone, Twilight. As long as Crystal Empires lasts, Cadance and Flurry Heart will be there for you, protected by the magic of love. There are also Discord and Spike, and your dragon friends, and many other ponies, you haven’t even met yet.”

“But that’s the worst! How am I supposed to make new friends, knowing I will see them all d-die?”

Caressing Twilight’s mane, Celestia smiled gently. “My approach was to cherish the memories of all the true friends I ever made. That way, as long as I remember them, their legacy lives on inside me.”

“It’s that simple?”

“Frankly, yes. If you think about it, we all have limited time on this plane. Even a powerful alicorn like you will perish one day. We can either crawl into a cave and dwell on it until we rot away, or... we can show the destiny our flank, and live our lives, make friends, and—”

“Eat cake?”

“Eat cake...”

Twilight let out a mixture of a sniffle and chuckle, slowly digging herself up from the bottom of the sinkhole she fell into. Then, a giggle got her attention.

“What’s so funny, Celestia?”

“It is just... The last time you cried yourself on my shoulder was when you were my student. It seems like a lifetime ago...”

“Huh,” Twilight cocked her head. “You know, now that you mentioned it. Not so long ago, I had to console Luster Dawn in a similar manner,” she smiled. “Must be a student-teacher thing.”

“Must be… How is that student of yours, anyway? Obsessed with filling reports, like you were?”

“Worse!” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Much, much worse!”

“Really? I did not know it was possible.”

“Neither did I!” Twilight facehoofed, shaking her head, but the smile never left her. “Still, Sunburst and Starlight should be proud. She’s very bright.”

“If she is your student, she must be.”

“Yes, I guess you’re right…” Twilight suddenly paused, and her smile flattened a little. “I’m sorry for my earlier outburst. I guess it’s just… I’ll miss you, Celestia.”

“I understand, and I apologize also. But do not worry, one day we shall see each other again. But hopefully, not too soon.”

“You really believe in the afterlife?”

Celestia’s lips curled into a smile. “I believe that in the magical land of Equestria, nothing should be ruled out.”

“I see... The girls, Spike and Starlight, should be here in a few hours. They want to say goodbye too.”

“I would like that… In the meantime, tell me more about what has been going on recently. How is my dear nephew Blueblood doing?”

“Hrmph! Complaining how a pony of his statute can live for a stipend of ten thousand bits per month!”

“Ah, so the usual? All right, how about...”

They talked and talked and talked. They discussed everything, ranging from politics, up to the adventures of Luster Dawn and her friends. But as the hours passed, Twilight had noticed Celestia having more and more trouble keeping her eyes open. Her breaths were becoming slower by the minute.

“Twilight... I think my hourglass is running o-out,” Twilight didn’t reply, she didn’t know how. “Is it not the time for... sunset?”

The four o’clock in the summer wasn’t the time for sundown, not even close. But seeing Celestia tired eyes fix on the skyline, Twilight nodded and started the magic. The sun hid behind the horizon, and the sky turned to a mixture of red and crimson. For some reason, the sea calmed down just as the trail of gold appeared on its surface, turning the entire thing into a breathtaking vista.

“B-beautiful,” Celestia whispered. “No matter how many times you see it, it’s always so… beautiful. Thank… you…” Her breathing stopped then, and the air filled with the sounds of splashing waves and chirping seagulls from outside.

“You’re welcome...” Twilight whispered and closed her watery eyes shut. But not before noticing two shooting stars, disappearing just beyond the horizon.

Author's Note:

The story takes place before 'The Last Problem.' It explains why Celestia and Luna are not in the episode – after passing the crown to Twilight, they began aging rapidly and died about thirty-something years later.

Just something I had to write and let off my chest :ajsleepy:

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Comments ( 15 )

Man, the feels were real in this story :raritycry:

Huk

10039050
10039068

Thank you :twilightsmile:

This thing it's just something that was nagging me ever since the ending episode. I just had to write that one, or I would go mad :applejackconfused: I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Hnng.. Ow :fluttershyouch:
Seriously though, this was great. And you're right, it's something I kind of needed as well.

Feeling alone and betrayed, she had reluctantly decided to visit Celestia one last time...

THAT'S how you get a potential reader interested using your description.

I'll preface all this by saying that if you wrote this mostly for yourself and you are satisfied with how it turned out, I'd call this a success.

But, that being said, this fell super flat for me and overall felt pretty sloppy. The premise, I thought was pretty promising, and made for a good hook, but it didn't take long at all before this fell apart for me.

I think the first thing that felt a bit off to me was the perspective. Because this felt like it was meant to be strictly Twilight's perspective--which makes total sense--but bits of it are written as if they're the view of an omniscient observer. This bit, for instance:

Twilight nodded and walked inside. Her face was empty, emotionless, and regal. A mask of calmness, covering the infernal anger that was burning deep within her. But as soon as the cottage’s door closed, that mask began to shatter, and doubts intensified a thousandfold. It all felt wrong.

Where everything after that first sentence is very much a description of what Twilight looks like on the outside, which is something Twilight herself shouldn't really be noticing in this instance.
And then here:

The slow, deep exhale that came out of Twilight was a dead giveaway that she wasn’t very fond of the idea.

Where we don't just get Twilight's action, but also the interpretation of her action. Which, again, Twilight shouldn't be privy to.

So that'd be something I'd suggest keeping an eye out for. It's overall a minor detail, but it yanked me out of the story often enough it might be something to keep in mind.

My other issue had to do with Twilight's tone. I think the sort of demeanor she had with Celestia felt really off to me. The first bit to make me think that was probably this:

Again, there was silence, then a dark chuckle. Celestia’s words rekindled Twilight’s fire, and she turned towards her mentor, with an angry grin.

Where it's, like... to me, the chuckle and the grin make this out to be a very psychotic, vindictive kind of anger. And--subjectivity inbound--this felt enormously insensitive of her given that Celestia was dying, especially when then narration makes a point earlier that Twilight had already blown up at Celestia before. And then when this bit came along:

All the anger she felt for Celestia culminated in that single moment and blasted out of her like a cannonball. But she left the strongest bomb for last.

The phrasing really made me feel like Twilight was purposefully trying to guilt-trip Celestia. So overall, by this point, Twilight had come across as being kind of an insufferable twat, and it pretty much destroyed my ability to sympathize with her. It seemed like a series of really weird choices, which were made all the worse when Twilight blew up at Celestia again closer to the end of the story. Which I think you could have gotten away with a lot more easily--again, subjectivity inbound, but I feel like it would've been a lot more potent if we'd seen Twilight containing her anger throughout the story so that when she finally does let it out in the end, there's buildup and context to make it more appropriate and impactful.

So, yeah, basically the emotional high points of this did not work whatsoever for me. There were a few more nitpicky remarks (I didn't like the usage of "twilighting" or the repeated cake lines, those felt too kind of... real-life memey instead of being authentic to the character--but that might very well be a me thing, since I have no idea off the top of the head whether those things are actually drawn from the show), but overall it was Twilight's demeanor, I think, that really broke this for me.

And, again, I think the foundation of this story is perfectly passable. It's just all in the presentation of it where it lost me. Hence why I think this could've used some more careful editing, just to smooth down some of those rough patches.

That's about all I have to say. Apologies for the chunky comment, but I hope at least some it's helpful. And, again, if you wrote this mainly for yourself than I hope writing it helped.

Huk

10039467

Well... Glad you liked it. Still, I prefer to think Celestia and Luna are fine. They just gave Twilight the crown because they were tired ruling. And now they're hitting every bar in Equestria, drinking everyone under the table :trollestia:

10039596

Hmm, I guess it's good I wrote the long description, then. At first, I was tempted to just paste over the short one there :twilightblush:

Aside from the description, did you enjoy it, or was it 'meh' :unsuresweetie:?

10039600

I can't say I'm 100% satisfied with it either, but it was to publish what you have or not publish it, so...

I'm not sure why you thought it was meant to be told from Twilight's perspective, though... I mean, it's written in third person omniscient, not first person. Can you even show someone's POV in the third person (honestly, I don't think I ever read a story like that, can you give an example)? Unless you meant that you had expected first-person and the fact that it was the third person was odd to you?

My other issue had to do with Twilight's tone.

That story follows the idea that being an alicorn does not automatically grant you immortality. Twilight's tone comes from the fact that she's equally angry and scared.

- She's angry because of how she had learned about the transfer of immortality (during Luna's funeral), and because by transferring their immortality to her, Celestia and Luna set in motion Twi's biggest fear (outliving everyone and ending up alone).
- She's scared because she's about to lose one of her friends, a mentor, and a motherly figure - something she didn't plan on. Her plan for ruling and relying on Celestia for support and knowledge has just crumbled like a house of cards.
- On top of that, knowing Twilight's personality and her connection to Celestia, she probably blames herself, fighting with thoughts like "I could have not accept the crown/I could have asked more questions/I could have done xxx."

I tried to show Twi using the angry outbursts as a way to cover her own insecurities (as people often do) until she finally cracked in the end, and spilled the beans. That was the idea, anyway... :unsuresweetie:

And--subjectivity inbound--this felt enormously insensitive of her given that Celestia was dying, especially when then narration makes a point earlier that Twilight had already blown up at Celestia before

My interpretation here was that the initial blow out - during Luna's funeral - was the starting point (Twilight learning the truth why Luna died, and about her immortality), and Twi's anger only grew from that point on. Keep in mind, this is happening something 35 years after the coronation. Twilight is no longer the naive, young mare she was. She reacts differently (more experience, but also no longer protective of Celestia).

IMHO, given the fact that neither Celestia nor Luna ever told her about the immortality transfer, she would be pretty devastated by the news. I think she would feel betrayed by Celestia. It's that feeling that would fuel her anger.

There were a few more nitpicky remarks (I didn't like the usage of "twilighting" or the repeated cake lines, those felt too kind of... real-life memey instead of being authentic to the character--but that might very well be a me thing, since I have no idea off the top of the head whether those things are actually drawn from the show)[...]

Just a note, but again - Twilight is twice as old as she was during her coronation. While I doubt 'young' Twilight would share cake jokes with Celestia, I think 'old' Twilight would have no problem with that. Of course, that's my view on this.

And, again, I think the foundation of this story is perfectly passable. It's just all in the presentation of it where it lost me. Hence why I think this could've used some more careful editing, just to smooth down some of those rough patches.

You're probably right, and I was toying with the idea of asking for an editor, but... I do not always agree with the edits people want. Then the awkward situation quickly develops where I don't want to reject the edit not to offend feelings but also don't want to accept it... It's a mess :ajsleepy:.

That's about all I have to say. Apologies for the chunky comment, but I hope at least some it's helpful. And, again, if you wrote this mainly for yourself than I hope writing it helped.

Oh, no. Such analysis is always useful and helpful. Seeing thing from a different perspective helps A LOT :twilightsmile:

Also I'll keep that one in mind:

[...]but I feel like it would've been a lot more potent if we'd seen Twilight containing her anger throughout the story so that when she finally does let it out in the end, there's buildup and context to make it more appropriate and impactful.

I have an idea at a different (but somehow related) one-shot. If it materializes, I may try that approach :unsuresweetie:

This is very sad, but I love it so much

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I'm not sure why you thought it was meant to be told from Twilight's perspective, though... I mean, it's written in third person omniscient, not first person. Can you even show someone's POV in the third person (honestly, I don't think I ever read a story like that, can you give an example)? Unless you meant that you had expected first-person and the fact that it was the third person was odd to you?

I think this type of third person narration is called "third person limited" or something like that. It's in third person, but you only get in the head or POV of one chapter and get the direct feelings of that character, usually the protagonist's. The narration is usually much more biased towards the character the POV is focused on too.

Usually, I don't link my own stories in the comments of other stories. But since you asked for a story that did it, this story I wrote uses this type of narration. The 1st and 4th chapters focuses on Twilight's POV and feelings, though the 1st chapter's narration is more comedic and even does a 4th wall break. But the 2nd and 3rd chapter focuses on Chrysalis's thoughts and feelings. You would even think the 1st and 4th chapters had a very different narrator then the one 2nd and 3rd chapters had. Because of how I did the narration in the 1st chapter, the three chapters after it I think is a better look of this type of narration.

TEverymare Loves Chrysalis
Thanks to Twilight Sparkle, instead of love and revenge, Queen Chrysalis only got love. But NOT the kind she wanted.
ThePinkedWonder · 7.6k words  ·  72  6 · 1.1k views

Oh, and congrats on being featured.

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I'm not sure why you thought it was meant to be told from Twilight's perspective, though... I mean, it's written in third person omniscient, not first person. Can you even show someone's POV in the third person (honestly, I don't think I ever read a story like that, can you give an example)? Unless you meant that you had expected first-person and the fact that it was the third person was odd to you?

Ah, okay, my apologies for misunderstanding. I had expected third-person narration, because I think that's the most typical one you find in fiction, but I think specifically third-person limited is what's normal, where, like... sure, yeah, because you describe the characters by name, it sort of is from the perspective of an omniscient narrator, but there's kind of this understanding that we're only inside one character's head at a time. A Song of Ice and Fire is written that way, for one example. It's third-person, but in each chapter we only get the thoughts of one character at a time.

Another example of this, in fanfiction, might be something like this story, which I'm quite fond of. It opens like this:

The bedroom was empty, silent but for the memory of fading motes of perfect symphonies, haunted by raptures of sound never to be heard again. Inside her head, Adagio could almost tune out the brash punk music shaking the wall to the next bedroom, and ignore the wretched sobs coming from the opposite side.

Where it's not first-person narration, but we're sort of seeing the world through the same filter that Adagio--and only Adagio--does, which I would sort of count as her POV. To illustrate that, someone else standing in the room probably wouldn't experience the memories of fading notes that Adagio talks about. Does that kind of make sense?

In any case, apologies for misjudging the story. I know some people do write in a more omniscient perspective where we do get to see multiple characters' thoughts, but I never write that way and don't read it often at all, so when I wasn't sure at first whether instances of that added anything to the story, I assumed it wasn't intentionally written that way. But that's at least partially on me, not the story itself.

My interpretation here was that the initial blow out - during Luna's funeral - was the starting point (Twilight learning the truth why Luna died, and about her immortality), and Twi's anger only grew from that point on. Keep in mind, this is happening something 35 years after the coronation. Twilight is no longer the naive, young mare she was. She reacts differently (more experience, but also no longer protective of Celestia).
IMHO, given the fact that neither Celestia nor Luna ever told her about the immortality transfer, she would be pretty devastated by the news. I think she would feel betrayed by Celestia. It's that feeling that would fuel her anger.

I agree with the premises you establish here, actually. Twilight's older, yes, she shouldn't be as naïve, yes, she absolutely feels betrayed by Celestia, yes.

My issue is that her reaction here felt like the naïve, immature one. Cadance advised her to hear Celestia out, at least try to understand her side of things, but Twilight goes in guns blazing, like she's more intent on proving Celestia wrong than trying to understand her. To me, that comes across as... childish and selfish, to be honest, and at this point I'd expect Twilight to be better than that. Twilight's well aware that Celestia might not get another chance to talk to her ever, but she speaks over her and doesn't give her that chance.

And, to clarify things, I think Twilight's justified in having an angry outburst here and there. But Celestia hasn't gotten a word of explanation out of her mouth before Twilight jumps down her throat. My issue isn't that she's angry. She should be, absolutely. It's what she does with that anger that bothers me. Not trying to protect Celestia isn't the same thing as lashing out at her.

Huk

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Glad you enjoyed it :twilightsmile:

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Thanks for the tips. I read about the difference between third-person omniscient vs. limited in one of Janice Hardy's books, but that was almost two years ago. Looking at the examples she had provided in the book, I think I finally understand what you mean by a 'weird perspective.' I will have to take a closer look at that in the future. Also, I'll check out the stories you linked, to get better ideas :)

Oh, and congrats on being featured.

Wait? It got featured :rainbowhuh:? I had no idea, must have been in the box for a tiny moment... Thanks for the info :raritywink:

My issue is that her reaction here felt like the naïve, immature one. Cadance advised her to hear Celestia out, at least try to understand her side of things, but Twilight goes in guns blazing, like she's more intent on proving Celestia wrong than trying to understand her.

Hmm, you know, now that I think about it, I believe you're right :twilightblush:. Twilight should have at least let Celestia explain herself before blowing up. Also, If I had left only the final meltdown, I could have used those few hundred words to build up momentum for better effect... :facehoof:

Oh, well, what's done is done. But I'll keep that in mind for future stories :twilightsmile:

This was good. It's just like one of mine almost. I knew that the crown came with the sun and moon powers so I figured that was the source of immortality for those two. It makes sense since Cadence aged normally that it's not being an alicorn that makes one immortal or longer lived. I think Twilight will pass the power the Luster and die with her friends.

Huk

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To be honest, I hate the whole 'power with the crown' headcanon, and I won't follow it aside from that story. Frankly, I wrote that because I needed to vent :duck:. Then again, I hate the whole Celestia/Luna retiring thing, so... :unsuresweetie:

Also, not sure about what you mean with Cadance? For me, Cadance is rather the proof that alicorns get bigger as they age (like Twilight did). I would say that thing was consistent, given their age difference at the start of the show when Twi was just a filly, Cadance was already the size of adult Twilight:

i.makeagif.com/media/6-09-2015/0dkNEl.gif

Then, when they met during Canterlot Wedding, she was already taller than adult Twilight:

i.ytimg.com/vi/GWeMFgBkJtA/maxresdefault.jpg

So, that would seem consistent with alicorn aging shown later, IMHO.

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My issue is that her reaction here felt like the naïve, immature one. Cadance advised her to hear Celestia out, at least try to understand her side of things, but Twilight goes in guns blazing, like she's more intent on proving Celestia wrong than trying to understand her.

Hmm, you know, now that I think about it, I believe you're right :twilightblush:. Twilight should have at least let Celestia explain herself before blowing up. Also, If I had left only the final meltdown, I could have used those few hundred words to build up momentum for better effect... :facehoof:

Oh, well, what's done is done. But I'll keep that in mind for future stories :twilightsmile:

I mean not everyone is going to be composed all the time and with the possible exception of Luna (who we never see as being all that close with her), this is the first time that we know of that someone close to her is dying, which is traumatic in of itself and it's happening to someone who she thought was going to live with her forever. It may not be mature but it actually makes a lot of sense from a psychological and emotional standpoint.

To be honest, I hate the whole 'power with the crown' headcanon, and I won't follow it aside from that story. Frankly, I wrote that because I needed to vent :duck:. Then again, I hate the whole Celestia/Luna retiring thing, so... :unsuresweetie:

I know right! I get that they needed to end the show on a emotional moment, and I guess it makes sense that something like this was the best they come up with, but even so you've got to think their were better ways to end the show.

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