• Member Since 30th Jun, 2015
  • offline last seen 6 minutes ago

Omegathyst


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Source

After escaping his birth family and an emotionally abusive lover, Gallus becomes homeless in Griffonstone. Grampa Gruff offers him a new place in Ponyville in exchange for becoming a student at Twilight's new School of Friendship. Gallus discovers new friends, fun hobbies, new romances, and a mother in a pony he never expected. Retelling of Seasons 8-9, and onward.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 11 )

Good story so far. Looking forward to seeing how it goes. Good luck :-)

Looks promising, I'd love to see more of this! <3

Hmm...

Continue.

Happy Birthday!!!
🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂

Also, this seems like it could be an interesting story. I’m excited to see more.

Promising start! I'm looking forward to reading more.

This looks really interesting. I’ll track, but please don’t ship Gallus and Sandbar.

9659384
Woops, too late :derpytongue2:

9659406
I don’t know why, but it’s only the M/M shippings that make me uncomfortable, especially these two characters in particular. I don’t know, I’m fine with M/F and F/F, but just not M/M

The manipulative relationship with Sheila was an interesting way of doing it. It's something that does happen in real life, but that you really don't see very often in fiction.

So... the actual idea, not a bad one. The execution however... whilst the actual writing is technically sound, that... was a bit of an info dump, which eh... could be good or bad depending on the story and how it'll be executed.

However, I do have a problem here:

After Gallus managed to explain his situation to the authorities the morning after the fight, they let him off with a warning.

"And I won't have to see her again?" Gallus asked.

"Nope, so long as you avoid talking to her. And we'll tell her to do the same. You should be good." the officer said.

Gallus blushed at the memory he had of hugging the officer and flying away. It was the last good memory he had. Now? He was homeless, never keeping a job for long. Either the managers would refuse to employ a homeless creature, or word about his incident with Sheila would reach to them. They'd tell Gallus that they didn't want a "troublemaker" or a "threat to females" as an employee.

Gallus felt like he was running out of luck, barely finding enough to eat each night. The only miracle was that he never saw Sheila again.

He was sleeping in an alleyway far away from her hut when he felt something prod his head.

"Up, you hobo bird!"

Show Griffonstone looks like it's collapsed, with no authority or law being present... my suggestion would just have him be on the street, nobody really accusing him because Sheila seems a bit nuts, but griffons giving him a wide berth in case he was being crazy, except for Gruff (because he's old and cranky).

Also, just telling us "he's homeless"... yeah kinda loses a lot of impact.

In short, it's a start, and this could be a really cool idea, but there are some areas to look at.

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