• Member Since 2nd Dec, 2018
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Twilight star


I ship Twilight x Luna and Twilight x Nightmare Moon

E

Luna didn't turn into Nightmare Moon and wasn't banished to the moon. One day, at the school of gifted unicorns, Luna and Celestia sees the potential of Twilight Sparkle and Sunset Shimmer. Each of the princesses chooses one of them as a student. Twilight Sparkle and Sunset Shimmer will spend their lives as students with their mentors as they grow together.


Background belongs to Magister39
Princess Celestia vector belongs to DashieSparkle
Princess Luna vector belongs to DashieSparkle

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 24 )

Honestly, I'm on edge about this chapter. It is clear that you have a lovely idea for a story in mind and that you are eager to share it. And maybe too eager to get to the more important and/or interesting parts. Try to slow down a little bit to create a proper atmosphere to draw the reader in. This chapter could easily be one or two thousand words long, given how many things happen in there. Also, try not to jump between various information in the paragraphs so much and also tell less--there is no need to say the fillies talked about the princesses and then have them talk about the princesses. And last, try to avoid repeating the names so much.

I'm sorry for such a negative comment, but I think this will help you grow as a writer, and I'd do more harm than good by sugarcoating this. I'd really like to see this story finished one day, but right now, you ought to find someone who could guide you and help you with the execution of the story.

Thank you for the chapter!

This does seem a bit telling and not showing. It has potential, though.
Thank you for the chapter! I hope that there will be more.

Not bad, I see some potential here

No offense meant but you need an editor.

Thank you for the chapter! It might run a bit better if you replace some of the names with pronouns, but it is your story so write it how you want!

Thank you for the chapter!

I hope that Sunset doesn't become evil just because she can't do certain spell like Twilight

9526010
Don't worry, she it will not turn evil.

I have to agree with avendrial, there's quite a lot of telling and not as much showing. It's got potential and it is an interesting idea and certainly something I'm willing to continue reading.

However, I do suggest learning a little more about Tell and Show in writing, and there are some around here in writing groups that can help you with that.

Biggest advice for this is "Show more what the ponies are doing through writing, show a little more about their thoughts/expressions" Writing (in my opinion) is sort of the opposite in where tv shows and other forms of media are: Media shows and uses visual and audial cues and only need to have the character's actors voice their lines (even then that's an art itself) Writing however has to rely on using word cues and the reader's perspective to visualize what is going on, and if the words can't tell what the characters are doing/thinking/saying, it's going to leave a lot of ambiguity for the readers, making them somewhat lost on what's going on.

Thank you for the chapter!

I like the idea, it's really sweet but you should write more about atmosphere, emotions and events that happen, just to entertain the reader more :twilightsmile:

Looks like the sleepover is a success

Thank you for the chapter!

Sunset is a decade older than Twilight.

Thank you for the chapter!

Awww, I'm glad Luna will be there for Sunset, unlike her parents

Thank you for the chapter!

Where the heck is Spike? didn't Twilight hatch him? what's happened to him after that?

9624213
He only shows up later.

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