• Member Since 2nd Dec, 2018
  • offline last seen 49 minutes ago

Twilight Star


I like to write stories about the shippings: TwiLuna, MoonLight, NightmareRarity, RariLuna, NightmareNightmare, ChryLight, TempestLight and LunaCord

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Being a princess is no cakewalk. And Luna, Celestia and Candace know that. They want to have a daughter so they can have company. Together they go to a place where they can adopt a foal. Each chooses and adopts a unicorn foal.

* In this AU, Candace never went to the Crystal Empire. That is, the Crystal Empire never existed. She was helping Luna and Celestia with the royal duties. And Luna never became Nightmare Moon.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 18 )

Umm, okay. I’ll read the next chapter, but this could go either way

Umm, a few issues. One, this is moving way too fast. Two, grammar isn’t the best. Three...actually, that’s about it

Slow the pacing descriptions of the environment are not a bad thing to do and neither is showing actions between the sentences the characters speak

Interesting idea, would like a cleaner execution of it though.

Well, I have to say this story DOES look a bit rushed, but it still looks pretty darn cute. Love seeing Twilight, Sunset and Trixie as childhood friends AND a universe where Celestia and Luna presumably talked out their issues enough where neither of them went off the deep end.

Anyway, on to the next chapter.

I have to say, my only real issue is the pacing. Things are actually happening TOO fast. Still, wonderfully heart-warming stuff so far.

I see potential.

Dawwww so cute!

Twilight has a family!? Or is it a deceased family? If not. Down with the princesses! Before they steal your child!

Needs to work on the sentence structure. Nearly every one is a sentence fragment instead of a proper full sentence.

Wait, if Twilight and Sunset have family then what are they doing at the adoption center? Or did Twilight mean "Family" as in, the adoption agency's workers and her friends? And was Sunset referring to a family that gave her up for adoption, and was simply reflecting upon how they used to treat her?

VERY little I can say other than, while the chapter STILL looks rushed, at least it is LESS rushed than the previous two chapters, even if only slightly. Still, I will admit that it IS progress.

Anyway, good details about the arguments between the fillies (yeah, it makes sense that kids that young would think THEIR OWN parents are the best) and I LOVED how quick the princesses were to get the fillies to apologize for their accidental insensitivity.

But, yeah, the exchanges, characterizations and future chapter set-up are all well done in all the right places.

Harry Trotter. Hmm...:rainbowhuh:

Cadence put the book back on the shelf, picked up Twilight Sparkle Sparkle with her magic and carried it over to the bed.

You accidently wrote Sparkle twice :twilightsheepish:

Oveall, I really like this chapter and I am happy that you are still continuing with this story. One thing that I would recommend not to use characters full names and instead of writing Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle just write Sunset and Twilight. :twilightsmile:

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Oops. My mistake:twilightblush:. And thanks for the Feedback.:twilightsmile:

Edit: I already corrected it.

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