The Trial Of Twilight Sparkle
It was a beautiful day in Ponyville, as it always seemed to be. You never hear of any rainy days in Ponyville, do you? The sun shone down on the townsfolk with nary a cloud in the sky, leaving one to wonder how all of the plants in the town don't die of thirst.
Twilight sat on her throne by the Cutie Map, reading a good book about the modern day applications of pyromancy. She was in the middle of reading something about smoke signals when she heard a knock at her door.
"Coming!" Twilight hovered up from her throne, yawning and stretching her legs in midair, and flew over to open her front door, coming face to face with two Royal Guard stallions, both of them pure white unicorns. The only differentiating feature between them was that the guard on the left's face was completely unblemished, while the right guard had a giant scar running down his face.
"Princess Twilight Sparkle, you are under arrest for the grand theft of the city of Manehattan," the scarred guard said.
` "Wait, what?!" Twilight didn't even get a second to breathe before the guards forcefully snapped a circle of metal to her horn. She tried to teleport away from the guards but found that she couldn't. The metal ring on her horn must have been canceling out her magic somehow. The guards escorted her forcefully to the carriage they had haphazardly parked on her front lawn, with only a tiny window lined with bars to see out of.
"You have the right to remain silent," the scarred guard said.
"But I didn't do it! I didn't steal the city of Manehattan, that's ridiculous!" Twilight pleaded desperately as she tried to writhe out of the guards' telekinetic grasp to no avail.
The scarred guard cleared his throat very loudly and resumed his speech. "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you do not have an attorney, one will be provided for you by a court of law. With these rights in mind, do you still wish to speak with me about the charges brought against you?"
Twilight did not, in fact, wish to speak any more on the matter, and got in the carriage without further incident.
"Here's your cell, Princess Twilight," another royal guard opened the door to one of the many cells in the Ponyville Jailhouse, and Twilight walked into her shabby quarters defeatedly. "You will stay here to await trial. Your attorney should be here soon."
"But I didn't do it, honestly!" Twilight pleaded.
"I'm sorry, but the law is the law, and you have to stand trial," as the guard walked away, Twilight got a good look at her cell. It was incredibly cramped, being only twice as long as Twilight herself, and about as wide. On the back wall was a small window decorated with iron bars, letting in just enough sunlight to remind Twilight that the outside world still existed. Below that was a wooden bench firmly attached to the wall, just barely long enough for a pony to lay on it. The floor wasn't even paved as the halls had been. It was just a bed of damp earth, with a sketchy pool of liquid in the corner that was probably better left alone. Overall, they were pretty subpar accommodations.
What made matters worse was that Twilight was seemingly the only prisoner in the whole complex. Equestrian crime rates may be low, but she thought there'd be at least one other prisoner she could talk to.
As she gazed absentmindedly out from her cell, Twilight could see a familiar blue coated mare garbed with a stage magician's hat and cape walking down the hall. "Trixie? Is that you?"
Trixie turned her head left to see Twilight a few cells down. "Ah, there you are Twilight!" she said. "I've been looking for you ever since I heard you were arrested."
"Why, so you can laugh at me?" Twilight fell into a heap on the earthen floor dejectedly. "Go ahead, do it. I know you've been waiting for it for a long time."
"I'm not here to make fun of you, Twilight, I'm here to defend you," Trixie said.
"Defend me?" Twilight got back up on her hooves.
"Yes," Trixie brought out a card from her cape and handed it to Twilight. "You may call me the Great And Powerful Trixie, Attorney At Law!"
"A-attorney at law?!" Twilight gawked at Trixie's business card for a few seconds, then turned her gaze upwards and closed her eyes. "Oh sweet stars, please take me now."
"What?" Trixie asked accusingly. "You don't trust my legal expertise?"
Twilight grabbed Trixie's business card and turned it around to face her. "Trixie, there's not even an Equestrian Bar Association logo on your business card! You're not licensed to practice law!"
Trixie hastily snatched her business card back from Twilight and put it back in her cape pocket, smiling nervously. "Umm...let's not discuss that here. That could get me in a lot of trouble."
"Why are you a lawyer anyway?" Twilight asked. "I thought you were already successful as a stage magician."
"Well, turns out stage magic isn't quite as popular as it was when I started out, so I had to start thinking about alternate career paths. Being a stage magician involved misleading a large audience and making ponies see things that aren't there, so I figured working in a courtroom would be a natural fit for me," Trixie explained. "Besides, representing the Princess of Friendship in court will make me the most beloved of all ponies in Equestria!"
Twilight sank to the ground and cradled her head in her hooves. "What am I going to do?! I am so dead!"
"Hey, Twilight, relax," Trixie said. "The Great and Powerful Trixie has many ways to defend her clients. We'll just fabricate some evidence and-"
"Trixie!" Twilight yelled.
"Okay, so that's a no on the fabricating evidence," Trixie said. "Well, we still have other methods of defense. By the time this trial is over, as Celestia is my witness, you shall be a free pony once again."
"And if I'm not, Princess Celestia will have your head," Twilight muttered.
"Let us hope it does not come to that," Trixie said.
When Twilight Sparkle looked into the shack built next to Trixie's caravan, she thought that 'barebones' was too generous of a word to describe what she saw. The only things in the room were a rickety desk, an equally rickety wooden chair, and some tattered, faded poster with a kitten doing a pull-up in it.
"Welcome to my office, Twilight," Trixie gestured for Twilight to take her seat.
"Is that what you call it?" Twilight said as she sat down.
"Well, the law firm of Lulamoon & Associates isn't very big," Trixie said. "Actually, it’s just me. I haven’t been very successful for that matter either. Haven't won a case in months."
"Yeah, that would explain a few-wait, what?! You haven't won a case in months?!" Twilight began to hyperventilate. "I'm dead. Oh, sweet Celestia, I am so dead!"
"Relax, Twilight," Trixie said. "I have a plan."
"What, you're going to get me to plead insanity?!" Twilight continued to hyperventilate.
"No, no, something better than that," Trixie said. "I know this one guy, his name is Malaclypse, and he's going to be our star witness and basically win this case for us."
"You're certain?" Twilight asked.
"Positive. With him on our side, it would take a miracle for them to prosecute you," Trixie said.
Suddenly, Twilight and Trixie heard a knock at the door of the shack. "Well speak of the devil. That must be him," Trixie said. "Come in, Malaclypse!"
The door opened, and Twilight saw a unicorn who presumably was Malaclypse. His gray coat clashed severely with his striking red eyes. He had a sly grin, almost like a shark's, and half of his face always seemed to be cloaked in shadow no matter where he stood. "Hello there, Trixie. Hello, Twilight." His voice was smooth, yet mischievous as well, like a con artist looking for his next mark. "I trust you're all doing well."
"Well, I'm doing alright. Not so sure about Twilight though," Trixie said. "Say, why are you here, anyway?"
"I thought I ought to tell you that the trial begins in three hours," Malaclypse said. "Speaking of which, I must be off. Toodle-oo!"
"In three hours?!" Trixie said. "I thought it was tomorrow! We have to go now!" Trixie dragged Twilight out of her chair and ran towards the courthouse at a full gallop, Twilight following close behind.
The courtroom looked foreboding to Twilight. She saw each and every pony in the courtroom condemning her for her crimes, including the old beige stallion sitting in the back reading a newspaper. Scratch that, especially the old beige stallion. It was almost unbearably hot and stuffy in there, and the sunlight coming through the window was almost blinding.
In the center to the back of the room sat the judge, wearing faded black robes and an obviously fake white wig, holding her gavel in front of her with her horn. On either side of the judge were two strong looking stallions, both wearing sunglasses and sporting short beards. To the right, the jury included such ponies as Rainbow Dash, Big Macintosh, nine other ponies Twilight didn't know, and Princess Celestia. Twilight didn't know that Princess Celestia could be picked for jury duty, but she didn't care too much about it at the time. If she lost this trial, she would be sentenced to life in prison for grand larceny, and for an immortal alicorn, that's a pretty long time.
Below the jury sat the prosecutor, an emerald-coated unicorn stallion fighting to get Twilight Sparkle imprisoned. When Trixie caught sight of him, she sharply inhaled and took a step back.
"Trixie, who is he?" Twilight asked.
"That's...Apophis," Trixie whispered reluctantly. "He's kind of my arch-enemy in the law business. He's the best prosecutor this side of Canterlot.”
"All rise!" one of the bailiffs said. He then turned to the jury and raised his hoof in the air in front of him. "Raise your hooves in the air and repeat after me. I."
"I," the jury repeated.
"Your name," the bailiff said.
"Your name," the jury repeated.
"No, you're supposed to say your actual name," the bailiff said annoyedly.
"Your actual name," the jury repeated.
The bailiff sighed. "Do solemnly swear," he continued.
"Do solemnly swear," the jury repeated.
"Within the confines of this courtroom," the bailiff said.
"Within the confines of this courtroom," the jury repeated.
"To fairly and honestly," the bailiff said.
"To fairly and honestly," the jury repeated.
"Preside over this trial," the bailiff said.
"Preside over this trial," the jury repeated.
"And deliver a just verdict," the bailiff said.
"And deliver a just verdict," the jury repeated.
"So help me Celestia," the bailiff said.
"So help me Celestia," the jury repeated, except for Princess Celestia, who opted to say 'so help me myself' instead.
“In the case of Equestria vs. Princess Twilight Sparkle, the defendant is charged with grand theft against the City of Manehattan,” the judge said.
"Of, Your Honor," Apophis corrected her.
"Of? Of what?"
"The grand theft of the city of Manehattan," Apophis said.
The judge looked back down at the docket atop her table, eyes scanning the document to confirm the prosecutor's claim. She sighed, grumbling confusedly under her breath while shaking her head sadly, and looked back up to address the courtroom once again.
"This should be interesting, at the very least. We shall now begin with the opening statements..." the judge banged her gavel.
"
Apophis stood up and cleared his throat. "Your Honor and the good ponies of the jury, Twilight Sparkle is guilty as charged and if you do not agree with me, then you're all just as crazy and evil as she is."
"Hey, wait a minute!" Twilight objected.
"Shhh. Twilight, be quiet," Trixie said. "Just let me do all the talking, okay?"
"Fine," Twilight reluctantly agreed as she sulked in her seat.
"Would the defense counsel commence with their opening statements now?" the judge said.
"Yes, just a minute, Your Honor," Trixie cleared her throat. "The prosecution says that Twilight Sparkle is guilty as charged. But what exactly is guilt? For that matter, what is innocence? The great and powerful defense is of the firm belief that terms such as guilt and innocence are nothing but social constructs and thus cannot be reasonably used in a professional setting such as this courtroom..." It took all of Twilight's willpower not to strangle Trixie as she kept rambling on with her opening statement.
"Umm...thank you, Ms. Lulamoon, I think that will suffice," the judge said.
"...And is stealing always bad, for that matter?" Trixie rambled on. "If, for instance, some great and powerful unicorn stole the show at a talent competition for her amazing skill, shouldn't she be applauded rather than—"
“Thank you, Ms. Lulamoon!” the judge said emphatically as she lifted her gavel in the air. "This court is now in session!" With the pound of wood on wood, the battle for Twilight Sparkle’s freedom had begun.
"Your Honor, I'd like to call up my first witness, Pinkie Pie, to the stand," Apophis said.
Sure enough, Pinkie Pie bounced through the courtroom doors and took her seat beneath the judge's panel. She looked oddly happy and bubbly, considering she was testifying to put one of her best friends in jail for life.
"Now, Pinkie Pie, within the confines of this courtroom, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" the judge asked.
Pinkie Pie mulled over this for a moment. "For a certain definition of truth, yes!"
"Well, we're getting off to a lovely start, aren't we?" the judge grumbled. "You may now make your testimony, if you please."
"Pinkie Pie, full name Pinkamena Diane Pie, can you confirm that it was indeed Twilight Sparkle who stole the city of Manehattan?" Apophis asked.
"Yep, it was her alright. Caught her red-hoofed as she was doing it," Pinkie said quickly.
"What?! Pinkie, how could you say that?!" Twilight said.
"The great and powerful defense objects to that!" Trixie yelled.
"On what grounds?" the judge asked.
"That was clearly a leading question, Your Honor!" Trixie said.
"You're a leading question!" Apophis snapped back, making the entire courtroom erupt with a chorus of ‘ooh’s.
"Well, I see no fault in his logic. Overruled!" the judge banged her gavel.
"What?! This, this isn't even a fair trial! This is nothing but pure sophistry!" Twilight shouted.
"Twilight, what did I tell you about letting me do all the talking?" Trixie chided her.
"B-but do you even see what is going on here?! This is just a mockery of the legal system!" Twilight said.
"Princess Twilight Sparkle, remember that you are still on trial here. If you do not shut up within the next five seconds, I shall have to hold you in contempt of court," the judge said, to much resentful sulking from Twilight.
“Thank you, Pinkie, that is all I wanted to ask you,” Apophis said, prompting Pinkie to begin to walk daintily to the audience’s seats in the back of the courtroom.
“Hold it!” Trixie said. “The great and powerful defense still gets to cross-examine the witness!”
Apophis muttered something unintelligible and likely profane, then took a deep breath. “Very well! You may cross-examine the witness.” Pinkie walked back to the witness stand with a slightly miffed look on her face.
“Now, Pinkamena Diane Pie, if that is your real name, what species are you?” Trixie asked.
“I’m a pony, why?” Pinkie answered.
“Objection!” Apophis said.
“On what grounds?” the judge asked.
“You see, Your Honor, the witness has stated that she is, in fact, a pony. But where would she get that information but from other ponies telling her that she is a pony at a young age? Your Honor, I move to have the witness’s statement dismissed as hearsay!” Apophis explained.
The judge simply sighed and put a hoof to her forehead. “Objection overruled!” she banged her gavel.
“Now, Pinkie…” Trixie walked up to the witness stand, slamming her front hooves down in front of her. “Are you absolutely, positively sure that you saw the defendant commit the crime?”
Pinkie began to sweat slightly. “Um...yes?”
Trixie didn’t know how to respond, and the court went silent for about three seconds. “O-okay, I’ll believe you for now,” she said, walking back to a client who was not entirely pleased with her efforts as the courtroom looked on, confused looks still fresh on their faces.
“Trixie, what was that?” Twilight asked slightly angrily.
“I’ll be honest with you, Twilight. I don’t exactly know how cross-examination works.” Twilight began to make noises like a dying frog.
"Your Honor, I'd like to call up my next witness to the stand, Rainbow Dash!" Apophis said.
Rainbow Dash opened the courtroom doors, walked down the courtroom and sat by the judge at the witness stand. This was extremely weird, as Rainbow Dash was already in the jury.
"Hey, wait a minute, Your Honor!" Rainbow Dash the juror objected.
"Settle down, Rainbow Dash. Let the witness make her testimony," the judge said. Rainbow Dash the juror sat firmly in her seat and pouted. "Now, Rainbow Dash, within the confines of this courtroom, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"
"I will do no such thing," Rainbow Dash the witness answered.
"Alright, fair enough. At least you’re honest about it," the judge said. "You may begin with your testimony."
"I saw everything, Your Honor!" Rainbow Dash the witness blurted immediately. "I saw Twilight casting the spell to shrink the city of Manehattan as she did it! Her mane was all frazzled and her eyes looked wild, and she was laughing like a madmare! I begged for her to stop, but she wouldn't listen to me! I tried..." Rainbow Dash the witness suddenly broke down sobbing, holding her head in her hooves.
"Objection!" Trixie said.
"Overruled!" the judge banged her gavel.
"Thank you for your time, Your Honor." Suddenly, Rainbow Dash the witness was no longer Rainbow Dash the witness, but had rather morphed into a changeling. Everypony in the courtroom gasped, except for Celestia who just sat there chuckling. Then, in the audience, Pinkie Pie also revealed herself to be a changeling, which made everypony gasp even louder, and made Celestia burst out into a full-on laugh.
"Dammit!" Apophis exclaimed. "You were supposed to stay in your disguises for the entire trial!"
"Oops. Sorry," the changeling formerly known as Rainbow Dash said sheepishly.
The judge banged her gavel. "Order! Order in the court!"
Trixie shook her head. "This is ridiculous. Your Honor, if the great and powerful defense may ask, how do we even know that the city of Manehattan was stolen by Twilight in the first place? I mean, it's not like we have the city in a bottle as evidence."
"Oh, you mean like this?" Apophis gestured toward the courtroom doors with his hoof. Absolutely nothing proceeded to happen. Apophis then cleared his throat audibly. "Oh, you mean like this?"
As if on cue, the courtroom doors opened, and a grey unicorn stallion wheeled in the city of Manehattan on a table, adorably contained within a glass bottle. Next to the bottle was a brown, greasy paper bag with the words ‘Hayburger Central’ printed on the side. "Sorry about the delay, sir," he said, before leaving the courtroom.
"Thank you," Apophis' horn lit up as he levitated his lunch onto his desk and arranged it in a grand assortment before him.
“Mr. Apophis, food is not allowed to be eaten during a trial,” the judge said. “Just eat your lunch during recess like the rest of us.”
Apophis grumbled more profanities under his breath. “Then what exactly am I supposed to do with this food? Make an art piece of it?” he asked.
The judge levitated three saltines into her mouth. “Mmm, pretty sure that’s not allowed in the courtroom either,” she said, her mouth full.
Apophis dejectedly discarded his lunch under his desk. “Just as well, the evidence I have against the defendant will make everypony in the courtroom sick to their stomachs!” he levitated his new piece of evidence in front of him. "Here, we see Exhibit A. Now as you can see here, Your Honor, this is the city of Manehattan, shrunk and contained like a ship in a bottle, and right over here, near the Manehattan Harbor,” he pointed to the dockyard, now only about three inches long, and the miniscule stain of ketchup near it. “Oh, what have we here? A signature, spelling out the letters ‘T.S.’! Initials for ‘Twilight Sparkle’ perhaps? Your Honor and the good ponies of the jury, understand that this evidence against the defendant that I now hold is irrefutable!”
"Let me be the judge of that!" the judge grabbed the city in a bottle and scrutinized it, adjusting her spectacles. "Apophis, this is just a ketchup stain. And it seems to be in the shape of the letter ‘A’."
“Well, Your Honor, that’s just a ketchup stain, it doesn’t have any bearing as to the current possession of the item in question,” Apophis said, licking ketchup from his hooves.
The judge sighed in irritation. “You said that this ketchup stain was the defendant’s signature, Mr. Apophis!”
"Uh, I'd like that statement stricken from the record please," Apophis said.
"Denied!" the judge banged her gavel.
Apophis grumbled for a bit before clearing his throat and continuing on. "Be that as it may, I still have a question for you, Your Honor and the good ponies of the jury. How can any of you listen to anything the defense counsel says? Trixie’s evil, we know that for a fact, therefore anything she says is evil! Case dismissed!"
"Mr. Apophis, all lawyers are at least somewhat evil. What exactly is the point of this outburst?" the judge said.
"My point? My point is..." Apophis ran out of words to say and so thought for a minute. "Umm...I guess I don't exactly have a point, Your Honor."
"Then it would behoove you to stop wasting the court's time," the judge said. "One more outburst like that and I'll clear this courtroom! Do I make myself clear?!"
"Yes, Your Honor," Apophis said reluctantly.
"Good! Now for the love of Celestia, can we finally move along with this trial?" the judge said.
"Oh, don't worry, Your Honor. I'm loving every second of this," Celestia said.
"Your Honor, the great and powerful defense would like to call up our own witness!" Trixie said. "Come on up, Prince Blueblood!"
"Oh, merciful Celestia, no," Twilight said resignedly as Blueblood rose from the stands behind the bar and came to sit at the witness stand, the judge swearing him in and vainly trying to ensure his truthfulness.
"Now, Mr. Blueblood, where-"
"Objection!" Apophis objected objectively with an objective in mind.
"On what grounds?" the judge asked.
"This witness was never cleared by both the defense and the prosecution, therefore he cannot be used in this case," Apophis explained.
Twilight tugged on Trixie's cape, and whispered into her attorney's ear. "Does this mean that you actually cleared Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie as witnesses?"
Trixie scoffed. "Of course not! The testimony they would give would be terribly biased. The balanced and fair Trixie wouldn't dream of trying to cheat Apophis out of a fair and balanced courtroom duel!"
"Then why didn't you object to those changelings when they took the stand?" Twilight hissed loudly in her ear as Apophis continued his rambling to have Blueblood removed from the witness stand.
"Because I cleared the changelings, obviously. Please Twilight, try to keep up," Trixie grinned slyly at her client.
"Now hold on there, Mr. Apophis," the judge brought up a thick legal tome from under her desk and set it on her desk, opening it up. "Under Rule 42 of the Equestrian Legal Process Guideline, it says that both the prosecution and the defense may call up to five surprise witnesses per trial, with Princess Celestia's First Addendum reading 'and if possible, may each witness be more surprising than the one before them'."
Princess Celestia blushed and chuckled nervously. "I did write that, didn't I?" she said.
"The defense may now begin with the examination of Mr. Blueblood," the judge banged her gavel.
"Now, Prince Blueblood, where were you on the night this incident supposedly took place?" Trixie asked.
"It happened in the afternoon!" Apophis blurted out.
"The prosecution shall cease with his own personal testimony, please!" the judge banged her gavel. "Now, continue."
"I was in Canterlot, why?" Blueblood said.
"Really? Are you sure about that?" Trixie pulled a small burlap sack from her cape and waved it in front of Blueblood's face, where it made a suspicious amount of metallic jangling noises. Twilight slammed her head on the desk in front of her, making a loud ‘thunk’ as she groaned in a mix of pain, anger, and despair.
"Objection!" Apophis cried out again.
"On what grounds this time?" The judge rubbed her temple in exasperation.
"Do you not see this bribery, this mockery of justice taking place before you? Are you not offended or appalled by this?" Apophis said
The judge looked disdainfully at the burlap sack, a shiny bit protruding from a tear in the fabric. "I am indeed offended. And appalled! Trixie, approach the bench this instant!"
Twilight looked on in horror and disappointment as Trixie marched towards the judge. She heard an exchange of frantic whispers from the pair, and then, with another barrage of suspicious clinking sounds. Trixie walked back from the bench with a broad grin on her face, and another burlap sack had appeared before the judge atop her stand.
The judge cleared her throat. "Now that that's taken care of... Apophis, your objection is overruled." she said.
"B-but you can't possibly-
"Objection overruled!" the judge banged her gavel.
“Alright, Blueblood, let me ask you another question,” Trixie continued. “Did you shrink the city of Manehattan?”
“Um...no?” Blueblood answered confusedly.
Trixie turned towards her client. “Twilight, he didn’t confess, what do I do now?” Twilight smacked her forehead with her hoof in irritation.
“Your Honor, if the prosecution may cross-examine the witness now?” Apophis requested.
The judge, previously staring off into space, was jolted back to earth with a start. “Huh? Oh, yes, the prosecution may now cross-examine the witness,” she banged her gavel.
“Now, Mr. Blueblood, do you recall where you were on the afternoon the incident took place?” Apophis asked.
“Well yes, I was at this place called the Prancing Pony-”
“Objection!” Apophis suddenly shouted.
The judge sighed and shook her head. “Mr. Apophis, you cannot object to your own witness’s testimony.”
“But it’s not my witness, Your Honor, it’s the defense counsel’s. I’m just cross-examining him,” Apophis explained. “Anyways, there is no establishment called the Prancing Pony anywhere in Equestria. There never has been and there never will be. Now let me ask you another question, Mr. Blueblood. Do you know the circumference of a waffle?”
“I-I-what?” Blueblood sweated a bit and tugged at his tuxedo collar. “Umm...no?”
“You see, Your Honor and the good ponies of the jury, that is why the defendant Twilight Sparkle is guilty,” Apophis said. “You see, waffles are traditionally associated with delight, and delight with friendship. Therefore, if the witness cannot imagine a waffle, then Twilight Sparkle, the princess of friendship, must not have been there, and thus must have been at the scene of the crime at the time it happened. Therefore, she is guilty. Case closed!”
The entire court sat silently, eyes widened in sheer disbelief at what they had just heard. Big Mac adjusted his ears with his hooves to make sure they were working properly. Trixie slowly raised her hoof. “Um...objection?”
“I overrule your objection!” Apophis declared.
"Mr. Apophis, the prosecution does not have the power to overrule objections raised in court,” the judge said.
“Well I do now! Try to stop me!” Apophis boasted.
“Um...can I go now?" Blueblood said meekly.
“I suppose you may go,” Apophis said. “After all, I have already torn the defense counsel’s case to shreds and swayed the jury’s opinion against the defendant.” The jury murmured in consensus, namely a consensus that went against Apophis’ statement.
"Your Honor, for our next witness, the great and powerful defense would like to call Death to the stand," Trixie said.
This made Twilight do a double take and stare at Trixie, eyes widened and mouth agape. "What?! You called up Death as a witness?!" she shouted. "You're kidding, right?!"
At that moment, a black cloud of smoke coalesced in the witness stand. When the smoke cleared, it revealed a bleached pale white pony skeleton wrapped up in a pitch black cloak and hood, and everypony in the courtroom shivered as the temperature went down by ten degrees and the sunlight outside dimmed considerably.
"Nope, definitely not kidding," Trixie said.
Apophis placed a hoof on his forehead. "Oh, sweet stars," he muttered under his breath annoyedly.
"Who would summon me here?" His breath was like the wind blowing through a cemetery in the dead of night. Death gazed around the courtroom, empty eye sockets coming to rest on Twilight. "Oh, hey there Twilight. Good to see you,"
Twilight chuckled nervously. "Hi..." she said softly.
The judge looked flabbergasted, but quickly composed herself. "Umm, now Death, within the confines of this courtroom, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"
"As if Death could be a liar," Death deadpanned.
"Will somepony please just say yes to that question? Is it that difficult to just be honest?" the judge asked exasperatedly.
Death's teeth twisted upwards into what seemed to be a macabre grin. "Perhaps you'd like to shake on it?"
The judge paused for a moment to consider. "On second thought, just begin with your testimony." she banged her gavel.
.
"Death, where were you on the morning this incident took place?" Trixie asked.
"It happened in the afternoon, you foolish mortal!" Apophis shouted.
"I wasn't even there when the city got stolen, funny enough," Death said. "There were no deaths within the city limits that day."
"Objection!" Apophis said.
"On what grounds?" the judge asked.
"He's testifying with information he has no reason to be able to know! How would you know how many people died in the city that day, huh?" Apophis questioned.
Death simply gave Apophis a blank stare that, despite having no facial muscles to show emotion, seemed to scream 'are you kidding me?’. “I wasn’t aware they accepted ponies without brains as prosecutors these days. Truly Equestrian society is progressing rapidly,” he turned his head back towards Trixie, not moving his body at all. “Now, Ms. Lulamoon, do you wish to interrogate me any further?”
Trixie continued to stare off into space. “Ms. Lulamoon!” Death said sternly, snapping her out of her trance. “Are there any more questions you’d like to ask?”
“Uh, yeah, yeah,” Trixie darted her eyes around the courtroom in a panic.
“Try asking him about where I was on the afternoon of the crime!” Twilight hissed at her attorney.
“Right, right, I was getting to that,” Trixie assured her. “Do you know where the defendant was on the afternoon the incident took place?”
“No.”
“Well there you go,” Trixie said to her client with a shrug.
“If the defense wishes to ask the witness no more questions, then the prosecution may begin to cross-examine the witness,” the judge banged her gavel.
Apophis cleared his throat and walked swiftly to the witness stand, staring Death down with a crazed look in his eyes. “Alright, Thanatos. Since you’re so smart, tell me this. Do you know where the defendant wasn’t during the afternoon the incident took place?”
Death mulled over this for a few seconds. “Well no, not exactly. I haven’t really been looking at her all that much, since she’s not due to die for-”
“And that means that you don’t know whether or not the defendant wasn’t there to commit the crime, and therefore she was there!” Apophis interrupted. “Case closed!”
“Not quite yet, Mr. Apophis,” the judge said. “If the defense can bring more witnesses or evidence to the court’s attention, then the trial will still go on.”
Apophis mumbled even more profanities under his breath. “Fine,” he spat. “Let us see what else the so-called great and powerful defense can bring to bear.”
“Just in time too,” Death mimed checking a watch on his forehoof. “I have a game of chess scheduled at Silver Stables that I need to be at. Those ponies take games very seriously.” Death vanished in another puff of black smoke, and the courtroom grew warm and stuffy again.
"Now you've called up two witnesses and you still don't have any evidence to clear my name!" Twilight clutched her head in her hooves and began to hyperventilate again. "What do we do?! What do we do?!"
"Hey, Twilight, relax," Trixie soothed her client by stroking her head with her hoof. "Trust me, everything is going to be fine. We still have our star witness, after all."
"We do?" Twilight's head perked up.
"Yep, sure do," Trixie cleared her throat. "Your Honor, the great and powerful defense would like to call up our final witness to the stand. Malaclypse!" Trixie said.
Suddenly and dramatically, the courtroom doors flew open, revealing Malaclypse behind them, his face somehow half-cloaked in shadow. "Did somepony call for me?" he asked as he walked to the witness stand.
"Malaclypse, within the confines of this courtroom, do you swear-"
"Yes, yes, I swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth and all that," Malaclypse said.
"Great! It's about time somepony here gave me a straight answer! You may begin with your testimony now," the judge said.
"Now, Malaclypse, where were you on the afternoon the incident took place?" Trixie began.
"I was just outside the city, and recorded the entire thing," Malaclypse said as the entire courtroom gasped.
"Y-you're kidding right?" Apophis asked nervously.
"Oh no, I'm quite certain. Take a look at this," Malaclypse's horn lit up and began to project a hologram above his head, showing a shady and suspiciously green pony, face turned away from the screen. He was standing just outside the city limits of Manehattan, conveniently marked by a road sign that said as such, with the Manehattan skyline in the background.
"Objection!" Apophis said.
"Mr. Apophis, there are no possible grounds for you to object on at this moment in time," the judge said.
"I-I...objection!" Apophis repeated.
"Overruled!" the judge banged her gavel. "Carry on, Malaclypse."
"Oh, might we," Malaclypse unpaused the hologram he was projecting. The shady green pony's horn began to glow, and in a split second, the Manehattan skyline disappeared in a flash of light.
"As you can see here," Malaclypse pointed to the culprit. "This pony's coat is very obviously an emerald green, while the defendant Twilight Sparkle's coat is very obviously purple. Also note that the culprit's spell was powerful enough to shrink the entire city of Manehattan in just a second. Now, I don't know the defendant that well, I'm sure she's a very strong pony, but I don't feel like she's powerful enough to do that." The court murmured in agreement.
"But if Twilight Sparkle didn't do it, then who did?" Apophis asked, one eyebrow raised.
Malaclypse paused, then pointed dramatically at Apophis with his hoof. "You did!"
At this, the entire courtroom gasped and began to whisper among themselves as the judged banged her gavel yet again. Celestia, meanwhile, simply ate from her giant bucket of popcorn, a big goofy grin on her face all the while.
"I beg your pardon?!" Apophis was taken aback by Malaclyse's answer. "I absolutely did not steal the city of Manehattan, place it in a bottle and frame Twilight Sparkle for it! Your Honor and the good ponies of the jury, what Malaclypse says is nothing but lies and slander!"
"Hold on!" Malaclypse wrote something on a piece of paper with his quill he conjured from thin air. When he finished, he held up the paper to Apophis, the words 'you did it' written on it in black ink. "There! Now it's libel!" he said cheerfully.
"B-b-but this is simply absurd! That pony's coat is an entirely different shade of emerald! And how do we know that Twilight didn't just paint herself green to pin the blame on somepony else, hmm? Did you ever think about that?!" Apophis pleaded desperately.
"I believe I have heard enough," the judge said. "Good ponies of the jury, you may now convene to decide your verdict."
“But we didn’t even get to hear their closing arguments,” Rainbow Dash pointed out. “And the little evidence we saw seemed kind of sketchy-”
“Good ponies of the jury, you may now convene to decide your verdict!” the judge reiterated. The ponies of the jury got up from their seats and walked out of the courtroom.
About five hours later, the jury came back into the courtroom and sat down in their seats on the jury, with all of them giving Celestia dirty looks. Celestia, meanwhile, simply sat there with a smirk
"I see the jury has reconvened. May I see the verdict?" the judge took a 'verdict' from Apophis and began to read it. "Why, this verdict was written in ketchup on a Hayburger Central napkin! And 'guilty' is not spelled with the number 5!"
"Umm...lies and propaganda, Your Honor?" Apophis suggested abashedly.
"Give me the real verdict!" the judge looked to an old-looking earth pony stallion sitting in front of the jury, who promptly pulled out a piece of paper and cleared his throat.
"We, the good and honorable ponies of the jury, hereby declare Twilight Sparkle to be not guilty, as well as declare the prosecutor Apophis to be, and I quote, 'extremely guilty without a shadow of a doubt'," he said.
"W-well, when we give the responsibility of judging somepony's fate to twelve shortsighted, idiotic mortals, do we really expect that real justice will come from it? Do we?" Apophis said.
"Sorry, but the facts don't lie," the judge said. As she said the word 'facts', one of the ponies in the jury started making air quotes with her hooves. "Bailiffs, place Apophis under arrest." Soon after, the bailiffs placed a metal ring on Apophis's horn and began to drag him out of the courtroom by his fetlocks as he began struggling and hissing in sheer rage.
"I'll have your head for this, Trixie Lulamoon!" Apophis half-shrieked, half-hissed. Looking at him now, Twilight could've sworn that those slitted pupils and forked tongue of his weren't there before.
"D-does this mean we win?" Twilight asked.
"Well, normally circumstances like the ones seen today would result in a mistrial, but I'm just not feeling it today," the judge said. "I hereby pronounce the defendant Twilight Sparkle not guilty!" she banged her gavel and began to walk down from her podium and out of the courtroom along with almost everypony else.
"We won?" Trixie said, still processing the results of the trial. "We won!"
After the courtroom mostly cleared out, Twilight Sparkle walked up to Malaclypse, still sitting in the witnesses' seat fiddling with his quill. "Hey, thanks for your testimony back there, Malaclypse," she said. "It was what really saved me."
"Eh, I never liked Apophis much anyways," Malaclypse said.
"I'd also like to ask you just one question," Twilight said. "How exactly could you record all of what happened? Was it a spell or...?"
"I'm sure it will all make sense once you know who I am." At that moment, Malaclypse's body began to morph from an equine shape to a taller form, crafted from mismatched parts of at least twelve different animals, that looked all too familiar to Twilight.
"Discord?!" Twilight said before sighing. "I should've known it was you, to be honest."
"Yeah, you really should have," Discord said, extending his taloned hand to Celestia. "Come on, Celestia, let's get out of here."
"Discord, wait!" Twilight yelled at his back. His head spun around on his shoulders to look at her in annoyance.
"Besides me saving your life already, what else could you possibly ask of me today?" he said.
"Why didn't you come forth earlier? If you had been our first witness, this whole ordeal could have been avoided!" Twilight said.
"That was both of our ideas, actually," Discord pointed to Trixie, who grinned cheekily. "She saved me for last to be the grand finale, the whole third act nonsense that showponies love so much."
"But why did you agree to it?" Twilight asked.
"Simple. To raise your awareness of the flaws of the justice system and to perhaps inspire you to vote more carefully on your next district judge!"
"Wait, what are you talking about?"
"Level with me, Twilight. Do you even know the name of the judge who just presided over your trial?"
Twilight's mouth hung open for a moment. Indeed, the judge’s name had not been mentioned once in the entire trial.
“Come on, Celestia,” Discord and Celestia resumed walking towards the courtroom doors.
"When we get back to Canterlot, the first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers," Celestia joked with Discord, giving them both a hearty chuckle.
"Well, I'd say we did a bang-up job here today, eh Twilight?" Trixie said.
"Trixie, I'm never having you as my defense attorney ever again," Twilight said.
Trixie shrugged. "Fair enough."
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Consider my interest piqued.
A lot of nonsense, but a very enjoyable read.
Reminds me of Turnabout Storm, but with loads more ham. I'm honestly surprised that Trixie has the credentials to even be a prosecutor in the first place.
I'm actually writing a fic where Twilight is charged with treason for what she did during the Season 4 finale (i.e. give magic to Tirek). How does that sound?
Oh hell fucking yes.
EDIT: I think I have an ulcer from laughing too hard. Bravo.
Oh, good grief...it was Brainiac!!!
On another note, I haven't seen this many "Objection!"s in a court room since this...
Apophis doesn't seem to be any better a lawyer than Trixie is, and clearly twice as crooked.
So...considering that Trixie indicates she's gone up against him in court before, and we know she hasn't won a case in months...that doesn't say much about Trixie's skills for this job, does it?
It amuses me that Rainbow Dash is the one who thinks to voice this concern.
Comedy gold. Welcome to my all-time faves list lmao.
...
...
What did I just read?
To be honest I enjoyed the insanity of it and was expecting Discord much sooner. The whole thing did a great job making me as confused as Twilight was the entire time.
Also loved the Hitchhikers Guide references.
Wow, someone who is actually familiar with Discordianism. Color me impressed!
(Malaclypse gave it away)
There aren't many stories I give a like to... but then, there aren't many ridiculous enough to get me laughing out loud, either.
Twilight's facial expression is absolutely perfect. It's disdain, sadness, irritation, and disbelief that her counsel is so inept, as is the rest of the trial.
I love your additions since I last saw it. Trixie's cross examinations are so woeful.
Thanks for letting me work with you!
30 points from Gryffindor
This felt quite a lot like the trial from Alice in Wonderland
And bloodsucking and moneysucking cretins.
9628839
Funny thing is, she doesn't.
Should be “Equestria (the moving party/prosecution/plaintiff) vs Princess Twilight Sparkle (the accused/defendant/non-moving party)”
Your Honor, I move for mistrial on the grounds of the prosecutor forging witnesses and creating testimony. I would also like for his conduct to be brought before the Equestrian Bar.
Objection, irrelevant.
Note, I am not a lawyer, but I do watch a few on YT, namely Leonard French and Legal Eagle.
9632798
The legal system in Equestria clearly is not where it needs to be.
I will take the blame on the out of order plaintiff and defendant one though. That was my flub, sorry!
9632743
I actually didn't know that. Thanks, it's fixed now.
9632759
Yeah, the Equestrian Bar is going to have a field day with Apophis' malpractices.
Clearly, no better witness could ever be. Or no better bee could ever witness. I get those confused.
Hail Discordia! All hail Eris!
fnord
Actually...
Remember the sleepover?
- regards. MB
Thank you for making my cry.
With laughter!
66.media.tumblr.com/03abd275372700f80bd9930f948486bf/tumblr_nluzbcn0Ew1rcr9s0o1_1280.jpg
Hi there. My name is CaptainPinkiePie and I made this TvTropes page just for you:
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/FanFic/NoOrderInTheCourt
9703454
AAAAAAAAAAAOh my gosh, thank you so much! I browse TvTropes on a regular basis (in fact, it, along with this fandom, was what inspired/enabled me to write in the first place), so seeing something that I wrote on TvTropes makes me feel like I've really made it as a writer. Though I suppose some of the credit should be given to HMXTaylorLee, since, after all, they did help me write the thing. If you need any help with confirmation of tropes or something like that, just let me know.
Also, I'm a bit surprised that Trixie came off as Crazy Awesome, considering I tried to write her as incompetent when it comes to lawyering. But it's a pleasant surprise, and it definitely makes sense.
AAAAAAAAAAA9703973
My pleasure. Although it was your friend that introduced me to this story and convinced me it was Troperrific enough to get its own page. And boy howdy, it did not disappoint! And it was hilarious too!
9705531
I'm guessing you mean Leondude. If so, I will have to thank him at some point. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
9705540
Yes, it is and your welcome.
9705593
Probably your way of atoning for your days as an unabashed self-promoter that got banned from TvTropes.
9705597
That's one reason. Another reason is I like helping out friends.
9703973
Funny enough, I browse TvTropes on a regular basis as well and it helped me get into the fandom (as well as improve my writing style).
I object only to the fact that Death didn't speak in all caps LIKE THIS, and wasn't secretly ghost-written by Terry Pratchet.
Everything else was solid gold all the way through!