- Member Since 26th Aug, 2012
- offline last seen April 14th
Nobodyslament
I am a brony. I like warhammer. I play vidya games. I read frequently. Guess what? I also hate talking about myself.
Nobodyslament
Joined 26th Aug, 2012 ·
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Nobodyslament · 4.8k words · 493 17 · 7.7k views
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well damn that really sucks
9309053
That's what I was shooting for. I can't write happy right now, so I gotta write something.
9309056
well if you are gonna do more sad stuff just have background pony number 34 have a really off day where nothing goes right
9309063
I might, but I read a story with a similar theme and it clicked with me.
9309066
fair enough
Ouch
Well done!
Very, very, well done.
The Monk
“To say that Twilight Sparkle went bugfuck would be like saying the Incredible Hulk had some mild anger management issues.” -DustTraveller
9309102
Thank you. I'm texting my buddy to work on a sequel. I'll be stuck in a car most of tomorrow, so it might be ready while before I get home since he's off.
I have to say that the story was amazingly written. You started off strong, dropping a bomb that hit hard with Celestia's death, and from there it only grew.
First of all is the ten years. It's such a long time, a full decade, in fact. You kept what happened during that decade vague, just vague enough to make the reader use imagination, which worked wonders.
Then the fact that Jackson was pacifistic, preferring not to harm anyone or be harmed by anyone. Yet now he is the opposite, all too willing to kill to survive, to eat, and to thrive. It's a powerful change on character that obey emphasizes what he went though.
Furthermore was that fact that he cared for Celestia before her death and the fact that you kept it vague as to how much he cared for her. It only adds more to how much hell and emotional turmoil he went through during that decade, only added on to by the fact that Twilight led the argument against him, and that he was betrayed by everyone.
Lastly was how Twilight came to apologize, hoping that everything was fixed between them, showing the naivety of Equestria, and Twilight even moreso.
If you want my honest opinion? This one-shot is going to get pretty popular pretty quickly. However, if you take the time to make a full story, or even a series, about Jackson and what he went through, taking the care and effort that you put into this... Well, I believe that it could become one of the most popular HiEs on this site. I don't know how you feel about writing a full story, but I hope you consider it. You have talent, don't forget that.
The character development alone would make people fall in love with the story.
9309131
Thank you so much! Its so rare I get full reviews that I definitely cherish them. And after writing this I feel the bug still in my head, so this.might be a series of one shots while I heal up. And I was planning on making it a.series, I'm trying to improve my serious writing, since I'm pretty good at comedy already.
Reminds me of another fic with the same premise, only this one is worth faving and thumbing up.
Thanks for the one-shot, sir.
I actually like this story. I actually hope in possible sequels he tries to reconnect with society.
Gary Sue sob story
9309102
Ah, quantum castaways. I haven't read that story in a dog's age! a wonderful story that, though tragically unfinished. A relic of the grand old age of "unicorn Twilight gets stranded somewhere inhospitable" we had before season three.
9309321
Yep, that happens to be in my top favorite quotes. And the fact that it comes from a fantastic story does help.
The Monk
"Knowledge is power and power corrupts, so study and be evil." - Reykan
Grate so far one thing giv the dog a name
9309366
I will spoil a bit for the possible sequel here. The dog isn't getting a name quite yet, but for a very good reason.
I like to see how Twilight and the other s handle what they done to this guy, the damage and death they caused to him.
This is both incredible and disappointing. One one hand, it's an emotional story about a man who was betrayed by his friends and had to live through hell, only for the friend who betrayed him to have the audacity to try and act like everything would be okay just because they finally felt sorry after it was far past too late. On the other hand... it's a story about an "omg badass" dude being holier-than-thou with Twilight Sparkle for five minutes.
If this was a chapter in a larger work, where we got to know this man, got to see the death and trial, got to see him go through these things... this chapter would be catharsis at its finest. Perhaps even a good finale or climax. But here? Here it's a one-shot. And though I love it for what it COULD be, I honestly have mixed feelings about it in its current state.
9309505
Theres gonna be a few more one-shots. I'm thinking of making it a series, showing a bit more of the fact that he is feeling holier-than-thou, and the actual reasons they thought it might be him. Just to clarify real quick they didn't convict him on no evidence, there were actual reasons.
Truly tragic.
Interesting.
Needs to be a longfic
My only grip is the lack of a tragedy tagg in this.
A very good sad short story, nice work.
9309470
If you do make a sequel, could you post a tiny chapter on the end of this story with a link to it?
9309633
X2
I do like the story, in about all but one aspect, being the general lack of understanding of how such a life would leave someone mentally.
Almost as if not everyone has had horrifically violent and traumatic experiences in their life and would make them not have a totally accurate view or something.
For one thing, how exactly did he stay bitter for a whole ten years? People mellow out after a while, especially when they have better things to do, like survive. Christ, I used to live like that, and I tired out after like two years, and it was after something a lot worse.
I'm not gonna touch the whole murdered only friend in sleep thing because I assume that only exists for the shock value of it.
The whole "I have lived a life of violence and I am afraid of bringing that life home" is a fear a lot of people have, for obvious reasons, but one that rarely comes true due to the sheer power of disassociation, and in part is exacerbated because that is all most storytellers seem to know about violent trauma so they play it up a lot in stories, causing others to think that.
Am I being a pretentious prick? Probably.
Do I look like an edgelord right now? Also probably, but that's life I guess. People are weirdly quick to jump to that accusation, even to the most relaxed person on the planet.
I just wanted to say these things, because the story was otherwise quite nice, but these things just jutted out to me. apologies if I was useless.
Too bad, the man didn't try to join up with a griffin merc. company. He could have worked his dues, kill for a reason and get paid for it. Later on he could have invested and become a baron or something in one of the petty kingdoms across from Equestria. If this story was more flushed out, he could have turned his bitterness to better himself, while casting away Equestria entirely.
Only issue would be, He'd have to change his name or appearance since being known as Celestia's murderer would get you flak or hate.
Good story by the way.
9309256
Despite how rude the comment may come off as it really does sum up my feelings about this story.
This story has a lot of potentially interesting details but completely skims over them just so we can get into another generic human "badass" who happened to be wronged and going off on a rant against Equestria.
9310248
More flaws to come later. This is sort of an intro if you will. He's not as blameless as he seems, and most of his abilities come from being forced to learn or doe.
I've read a similar fic a while back, but it was Celestia instead of Twilight and Luna was the one killed.
Besides that cool story bro.
9310494
I read that one too. The character was exactly the same. On how they murdered and maimed other creatures in order to survive. In that one he even talked about raping ponies etc. It was a bit more edgy...
9310568
I liked that one, but I felt like there would be some lines no-one would cross without either being forced or accidental. And rape doesn't seem like something accidental.
9310569
I agree, Unlike the character; In your story. That character seemed to have let his bitterness transform him....into an actual monster who broke his own morals. The guy in this story did it to survive..but tried to keep his humanity best he could. The fact he kept a friend and then later a dog just proves this to be true, at least to me. I can't wait til your follow up on this one shot.
9310586
What is the name of this story?
Vilify, don't even try..
O-oh goodness, that is uhm- disheartening, but it was well written! So that's a plus!
I can see this becoming a series. Each chapter could be a step in the road to what you have here. It would be a great prequel I think.
9310569
You should do a sequel, maybe do it so each chapter either has to come to terms with what they did to the character in this story OR they have to go through everything that he did for the same length of time.
9311853
I was thinking if doing a one-hour series in a sorta recovery arc deal. Where each chapter has an issue that gets confronted. Like another mane six friend, or an action he took.
9311856
You could do that and maybe have it so each character has to face the main character and accept any repurcussions of what happened?
9311860
Well me and my bro have already hashed out the next chapter. Which is going to explain why he was a suspect at all. But we're using our own characterization to decide the path of the story. Once we have the characters in our head we'll be better equipped to chart a finished course. We have to think because there's two endings we have in mind.
9311876
I suspect you're going to do something involving either Luna or Twilight being jealous OR Blueblood being involved, right?
9311883
No, without spoilers the human did something that to him and Celestia seemed harmless, but cast doubt on him when she was killed. We don't even have a return to Equestria arc planned. If he does return that will probably be the end of the story. But now you've niggled my curiosity, so what would they be jealous of?
9311894
Maybe they'd be jealous of how close Celestia and the human were? Or maybe they found out that the two of them were in a secret romantic relationship and were jealous of it (maybe because Twilight wanted to be romantic with Celestia or Luna wanted to be with the human)?
9311894
Are there going to be any consequences for him being wrongly accused and exiled?
This reminds me of another story "No happy returns", with both having similar theme.
Other than that, good/ok story.
Just...damn. Damn. This tale hits high up there with some of my favorite stories just with how it's told and executed alone. Powerful, moving in a way. A bunch of feels for the poor man, excellent writing my dude.
Yeah, I'd be keen on a follow-up myself. Perhaps a sort of prequel-sequel, spanning from the time he's exiled, to current. I've got some unsolicited ideas, everyone loves those, right?
1 - Starts with him exiled, at the end of the trial. They see his reaction, look of betrayal, etc.
2 - Jumps around to scenes revealing mounting bits of evidence and some doubts as to whether they got the real culprit.
3 - His innocence proven.
4 - Feelings of guilt from all the culpable parties. Twilight for her starring role. Luna as well. All his former friends who turned on him. Etc.
5 - Twilight's return and the revelation of what he has become due to their actions and his drive to survive.
6 - More guilt trip stuff. Not only did they turn on a friend who was innocent, but that friend is no longer the same person they once knew as a result. (So yeah, really twist that knife XD).
7 - End with a resolution to help him any way they can?
Could be followed up with a 'The Return' type final arc in the form of a sequel, where he attempts to re-integrate with society. The previous story could have ended with him saying he'd be willing to try to return. Some of his bloody past could come up as a subplot, like one of the invaders he killed was some noble's (of some non-pony race) son or something.
You know, just some thoughts about potential follow-ups to the story XD
9312541
I'm phone-posting so bear with me. I'm going to leave a fair bit of his exile unknown. Mostly due to to reasons. One, he's trying very very hard to block it out, and two, theater of the mind is always a better director than any human. However I'm planning any sequels to be in a recovery arc, with him slowly getting used to the idea of home, as well as learning what he's missed.