• Member Since 21st Apr, 2014
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

ScrambledCrackers


One way of putting my main goal in life: Ensuring I am on the devil's most wanted list and a threat to him every day.

T

“We, the Royals of Equestria and the Crystal Empire, hereby find you guilty on all counts.”

After years of being a treasured friend, the human they thought they knew was revealed as a mass murderer. He never showed the slightest remorse after being caught.

Days later, Celestia has unanswered questions that cannot be denied.


Small extra note: Appearances can be deceiving...
Pre-readers: JimboTex and BikerPon3
Featured 9/4/2018
Oh bloody hell... :facehoof:

Chance's theme: Two Steps From Hell - Star Sky

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 80 )

Interesting.... Well a bit I dunno strange? Yeah strange I didn't expect for him to die just like that. Anyway I think it was a good story all in all. Good job:twilightsmile:

a sequel,i demand a sequel,for i love it :pinkiecrazy::eeyup:

i can say this is a vary interesting story shit this is a amazing story.
it is a bit out of the norm for my preferred story but dam i am glade i took the time to read this.
a sequel? possibly, it would require a crap load of planing so it all plays out right.

9150457
ScrambledCrackers would be up for it he has access to a rather good team.

9150461
:rainbowderp: wow,then i think ScrambledCrackers was planning a sequel :trixieshiftright::moustache:

9150457 9150461
While I appreciate the vote of confidence, I personally am stopping here.

It's a one-shot only for me, but as the author's note says at the end of the story, others are welcome to carry it onward if they are inspired.

9150470
oh...sorry :twilightsheepish:,i rarely read those,though i should put more effort into reading them :twilightsheepish::twilightblush:

9150470
i under stand after all you still have your huge story protecting harmony you are working on.

9150488
Really need to stop putting off the next chapter of PH, too. Whole story is about to advance to a new level.

Let's just say, that although this story's intricacies are unrelated to PH, they may hint at the scale of surprises to come. :trollestia:

Nice. Two steps never fails to inspire.

Is there more to come?

9150692
I'm afraid not. For me, this is a one-shot story.

Still, if anyone has the guts and inspiration, they're welcome to pick up the story from here.

I haven't read this yet, but I will do soon. I have to say now, however, what a concept. Author, you're the first person I've ever seen to put a spin like this on the classic HiE, and I can only hope you've done it justice in the, heh, execution.

Looking forward to reading this one!

Damn good story. I would love a sequel of this, but I think it's best you don't. Why mess up a near perfect story. *Bows to the author's greatness*

It's nice to see this get featured. I know you put a lot of effort into it.

Okay... there were some good things going on in this story, but there was one thing that I just couldn't get over... that being how much of a Mary Sue this Chance character is. I mean really... how can you expect me to believe that he not only discovered in three years what Celestia and her entire government couldn't in centuries, but also managed to create and run an entire secret service organization right under Celestia's nose without her knowing? Sorry, but having a character who is the best at seemingly everything they do and never makes a mistake totally kills the story for me.

9150727
To write a continuation of such a story would be hard, as there is a lot of information in front of whoever you decide to have the POV, you can't just have a single plot it's an intelligence agency everything is seen, something that would be hard to keep up with irl, or reading as a single person, and not to mention being able to write it would require being at least half as imaginative as such agency would be resourceful.
Basically, a continuation is possible, but from such a perspective it would require for the writer to create a world in grand detail on a larger scale, not neglecting smaller details, personalities and personal relationships required for the immersion, beacuse afterall we live in the moment, we readers are not presidents but that's what such a continuation would make us see. (Though some games can have such people they are few)
PS I might be rambling or I actually managed to somewhat grasp what would have to be.
PPS You got other stories to finish.

9150727 too bad, has a lot of potential

Holy shit.

CIA+

Alondro #20 · Sep 5th, 2018 · · 26 ·

Unfortunately for this human, I ended up in Equestria too and killed his ass with some toxic extracts his non-scientific education left him utterly oblivious to.

My Mary Sue kicks your Mary Sue in the nuts.

:trollestia:

9151815 9151832 9151866
Thank you.

Not oddly enough, this was more or less a throw-away story that I just needed to get out of my head. A neat idea inspired by the TSFH song Star Sky (link in story description).

Also have to note, now that the story got featured, I am bracing for the drama that goes with it. Grab your popcorn and watch. It's already started. :pinkiecrazy:

9151915 9152597
To which I say, you are free to form your own opinion. I know not everyone will appreciate it as such.

I'll also note that when you understand what years of focused intensity towards a goal can accomplish, even from a single person, you might consider a different perspective. Nothing happened overnight, but over the course of 8 years. Nor would the little details required to set the stage like you seem likely to have preferred have suited the format and length of this humble chickenscratch.

Thank you for reading, either way. :twilightsmile:

9152048
Hard wouldn't even do the challenge justice.

The complex dynamics and hints I used only work if I don't continue. The lack of details given helps keep the mystery in part because we don't know what Chance is capable of.

Also, while a fair bit more tricky to convey or grasp without personal experience, the kinds of people that do that kind of work actually do tend to be more than a little unusual. Let's just say you shouldn't get an intelligence agent's ire, or tickle their sense of humor by aiming a practical joke at you. I've met one or two, and know a few true stories.

It is also my understanding that they tend to be remarkably talented individuals before training. After training, the best of them would make most of us think they were a Gary Stu character on TV, for all they could accomplish.

There's a reason it's so hard to join groups like the FBI, CIA, and NSA.

They only take the best.

9152663
A prequel would be possible, however. Hell, this story would function as an excellent prologue, too. You'd be able to slowly build up these events over time, making a continuation much easier.

But I can respect that it might be a difficult, and time consuming task. I just really liked the story.

This story is damn good.

I really can’t critique it more than that. I enjoyed the read. Thank you for the experience.

This story really blew me away! Too bad he didn't ask for some iocaine powder to be executed with.
Faked his death due to developing a resistance to it. And made a surprise appearance later.

the way he dies make me think he will comeback as a pony using delayed dark magic

9150038

A more elaborate suicide fantasy than most.

9153411
Nah the crystals were either phoenix teleport or invisibility/fire illusion more likely. (if he didn't die)

9151915
To be fair, it was stated that they approached him first, not the other way around. Other than that, I agree with the whole 'set up an international spy organization without the knowledge of any rulers in Equestria, and got funding from foreign governments' being implausible.

The second I recognized the lyrics I upvoted the song. Excellent choice in music, beautifully written story.

The pacing of this story was spot on. Just keeping enough out of reach to keep the story flowing very naturally, brilliant.
You've definitely gained a follower with this, cheers mate

"After all this time?" Celestia asked.

"Always." Replied Chance.

9153502
Thank you for acknowledging it was implausible, but not impossible.

All I can really say is it is the people we trust most that could slip the wool over our eyes the best, if they wanted. Nor was it something built alone, but rather he was an instigator that knew the right moves. That, and it took 8 years.

I also agree that it would typically deserve an eye-roll for excess, but in this story, the lack of knowledge helps make it more plausible entirely because we don't know exactly what he did with all those years. He was part of the inner circle as he was, which means he had intimate knowledge of normally hidden functions and ways of thinking.

Nor do we know what the organization's members could do. Focused intensity over time by many?

Even the very definition of what a limit is can change.

9153415
My goodness, aren't you just a ray of sunshine? :yay:

Blocks ur path.
heh, nothing personal kid
Teleports behind u

So...































































Sequel?

What that former mare that wouldn’t die was truly capable of. How close she was to returning again, and how terrifying the cult really was. How important it was to track them all down.

I started getting Fillystata flashbacks during that scene. That mare was truly fucked up in the head.

Is this referencing any villain from a previous story of yours?

Anyways, I hope something more adventurous spawns from this someday.

I absolutely loved this. I won't ask you to write a sequel if you really don't want to, but I do think you should keep writing in general. Your story has re-ignited my faith in fan fiction as a legitimate art form. If this was a book, I'd definitely buy it.

A Human in Equestria story done perfection. A sequel would be amazing, but I'm perfectly happy leaving this with that ending. Remember everyone to support our intelligence agencies. *looks at webcam* :raritywink:

Dying in service to the immortal and magnificent. Few things are as poignant. A very well done story, if deeply sad. Makes me wonder who, or what, was at the heart of the cult. I can only assume Grogar.

Well done. Well done.

I feel odd. This all seems familiar. At the same time it also is a very bare-bones story of this type, and the more I think about it the more or less I feel that this is a good concept done in the barest way possible.

I will get plenty of hate for this opinion.

But other than that do not let my salt, lamentation, and realization that all of my hard work is meaningless deter you.

This is good, and you do have other stories to take care off. You do that.

as a door identical to the one on the front of the house.

you are missing a verb here.

You know when I first saw the summery and header image, I thought this was gonna be about some crazy human in Equestria who had been murdering ponies to make himself a leather coat to look cooler.

As for the story after I actually read it.

a bit short with an interesting idea, but I think it has a problem with verisimilitude.

Not so much with the secret agent in Equestria part, a skilled and motivated person in the right place can do a lot in a decade, although I’m a bit confused why he didn’t try to save himself in any way, especially when all the killings could easily have been judged justified if he had explained himself. – at first, I even thought he was faking his death during his execution.

Mostly the part straining my suspension of disbelieve was the bad guys.

Now this might be because we are told very little about them and it all would have made sense in context, but in short, they are frankly over the top from what we know. The point that broke my suspension of disbelieve was the phylactery made from a tortured child that they had to mercy kill.

Individually, their traits can be believable, but not all together in one group flying under the radar in Equestria.

(assuming of course, that this version of Equestria is basically true to the show)

A group of infiltrators, like changelings or cultists trying to revive an ancient evil, could only stay hidden for long in the princess’s backyard as long as they avoid activity that draws attention, like kidnapping and murdering children.

Although secrecy might not matter once they are ready to enact their plans.

Also, A group isolated from the rest of civilization can get away with some weird stuff as long as they keep to themselves, but by the same token, that kind of isolation mean their deaths or disappearance would not be likely to cause much international outrage.

9156018
If he had revealed publically what had happened, his organization would have been revealed as well.

If he had revealed what happened to just the royals, they would not have executed him and therefore the public would demand an answer as to why. His organization is revealed.

Remember, the terrorists are not ALL gone. His sacrifice means Equestria can continue hunting them down in secret. The terrorists know the one that had targeted them is dead.

As for the terrorists themselves, I have no idea what you're talking about. Are you saying a group of people can't kidnap a single child without drawing major attention? And that was 50 years ago! And none of it is exactly so "over the top" that it's unbelievable, it's freaking dark blood magic. That's basically defined as over the top gore and horror.

That was cool. I really enjoyed that, amazing work!

9156539

If he had revealed publically what had happened, his organization would have been revealed as well.

You do realize there is a middle ground between screaming on the rooftops that there are evil cultists around and taking that fact to the grave?

If he had revealed what happened to just the royals, they would not have executed him and therefore the public would demand an answer as to why. His organization is revealed.

If they had told the foreign royalty, who were never implied to be in on it, they could have avoided a lot of the political strain on Equestria.

They could also just have sentenced him to life in prison, or stone prison, or stone prison on the moon.

Until such a time that they can reveal the truth to the public. You know, satisfying the public outrage by sentencing him to anything but death.

The foreign royalty will also not be able to work together with the Equestrian government to put an end to the threat of the necromancer and her cult, since the Agent did not choose to reveal the existence of the threat.

Hell, the foreign royalty might even decide to protect the cult members from the Equestrian government, not knowing the true threat.

Remember, the terrorists are not ALL gone. His sacrifice means Equestria can continue hunting them down in secret. The terrorists know the one that had targeted them is dead.

All the better reason not to kill yourself after you deliver the first blow.

As for the terrorists themselves, I have no idea what you're talking about. Are you saying a group of people can't kidnap a single child without drawing major attention? And that was 50 years ago!

It was heavily implied that they did a lot more then just kidnapping a single child 50 years ago.

And none of it is exactly so "over the top" that it's unbelievable, it's freaking dark blood magic. That's basically defined as over the top gore and horror.

I was referring to the implied sexual abuse, as far as I could see they were just sexually abusing her to be evil.

If you want super dark blood magic forcing them into a mercy kill, How about this?

The child is forced to consume the flesh of other ponies to sustain herself, while the implanted phylactery is trying to revive the necromancer by devouring the soul and mind of the child and replacing it bit by bit with that of the necromancer, who will return strengthened by all the lives she had devoured.

And If you absolutely need the horror to be sexual, then she could have been pregnant with the new body of the necromancer. The implanted phylactery would basically be impregnating her to produce clones of the necromancer whenever they required a new body.

9156837
1. What middle ground do you suggest.
2. "If they had told the foreign royalty, who were never implied to be in on it" You mean other than the fact that two of their agents are Ambassadors?
3. "The foreign royalty will also not be able to work together with the Equestrian government to put an end to the threat of the necromancer and her cult, since the Agent did not choose to reveal the existence of the threat." Except he DID, posthumously. The fact that at the end, Celestia is holding a meeting involving diplomats from other nations, shows that they ARE working with foreign nations.
4. You say "all the better reason", but it seems as if you are contradicting yourself. You agree that there are cultists, left, and hunting them in secret is good, but ask that the avenue for making that possible be removed? If he is not dead, the cultists WILL make a move on removing him from play, no matter where they put him. Moon isn't possible, as that was only done with the Elements. I rather doubt the Elements will throw him there when he's innocent.
5. "Heavily implied" To what end exactly? The author implied nothing but that the cultists were "biding their time." Those exact words. The only incident we know of is the kidnapped child.
6. I'd ask how impregnating a child, (nevermind whether or not it is even POSSIBLE to do so, maturity is a physical thing, not just a mental one, buddy) is ANY LESS horrific than doing what they did.

9156871

1. What middle ground do you suggest.

Oh I don’t know, telling a Princess, anyone of them, about what he found and his plans so that everything will not be lost if he gets “unlucky” at some point.

2. "If they had told the foreign royalty, who were never implied to be in on it" You mean other than the fact that two of their agents are Ambassadors?

I don’t think any ambassadors where ever incriminated? The closest I could find in a quick read-through was that there were two ambassadors from countries that had lost people to the attack and didn’t like the equestrian government as a result. I don’t think they were cultists?

3. "The foreign royalty will also not be able to work together with the Equestrian government to put an end to the threat of the necromancer and her cult, since the Agent did not choose to reveal the existence of the threat." Except he DID, posthumously. The fact that at the end, Celestia is holding a meeting involving diplomats from other nations, shows that they ARE working with foreign nations.

Yes, and to think how much faster and smoother it could have been done if he had told them at any time before his death.

Might also have prevented some political shitstorms.

4. You say "all the better reason", but it seems as if you are contradicting yourself. You agree that there are cultists, left, and hunting them in secret is good, but ask that the avenue for making that possible be removed? If he is not dead, the cultists WILL make a move on removing him from play, no matter where they put him. Moon isn't possible, as that was only done with the Elements. I rather doubt the Elements will throw him there when he's innocent.

Yes, and then they can ambush the cultists when they come for him.

5. "Heavily implied" To what end exactly? The author implied nothing but that the cultists were "biding their time." Those exact words. The only incident we know of is the kidnapped child.

Well for one thing:

Name: Sidetrack

Age: 27

Public-side Profession: Courier

Known/Confirmed Activity: Enforcer, Recruiter, Foal-napper and Trafficker

I don’t think he was the only one in the group committing crimes, and unless he was also the one who was supposed to have kidnapped that one foal two decades before he was even born, there was more missing children then the one they turned into a living soul jar.

6. I'd ask how impregnating a child, (nevermind whether or not it is even POSSIBLE to do so, maturity is a physical thing, not just a mental one, buddy) is ANY LESS horrific than doing what they did.

It was meant to be less “evil for the lolz”, not less horrific.

It was meant to be dark magic following a purpose, instead of them just randomly raping their living soul jar for no reason.

we don’t know how that permanent child thing was supposed to work or how old she is supposed to be either. (anywhere between newborn and fifty)

It might work, might not. It is just an option if you absolutely need sexual horror with your dark magic that isn’t just random rape.

9155207
No references to other villains I've created. Although one could make a broad association with one villain mare I have brewing, but not yet truly revealed.

Also just don't have any idea how I'd carry this on, nor to I desire to do so. It shall remain a snapshot in time of an AU Celestia's life and a major event in it, which is the what the story is really about.

9155697
I appreciate your thoughts. It was meant to be sparing on details, in fact. Particularly in Chance's appearance. He could be any ethnicity, as all we know is he has skullcap short dark hair and a presence that could be regal or imperious (which, itself, is more about how one presents themselves than physical).

Just a random idea I threw together in two days of actual writing, though there was a pause in the middle.

Not unlike the other, even shorter, one-shot I posted before. That one was even more sparing of details, and depending on how one chooses to read it, could have seen either a woman x stallion, or man x mare. It was also squishy feels.

9156837 9156871
Little much to get specific on, as I don't want to get too deep, so a joined response.

SPOILERS AHEAD
A couple points:

-I was light on details largely on purpose, letting readers see what they wanted with limited descriptor clues.

-The phylactery tends to be a major source of power for a necromancer, often as a sort of external body, letting their actual body even be destroyed and they won't die, but destroying the crystal kills them. This case, a battery of sorts as followers do rituals and gradually empower it until it can reform the body.

-If someone intentionally pays attention to avoiding attention, and understands how, they are nigh impossible to detect. Even large groups. It's part of why we have lone wolf issues today.

-It was noted that he made it appear it was his fault and Celestia (and the other royals, for that matter) remained ignorant of everything, which means the big nasty would be forced to assume she still had no idea about the cult in hiding. The mass death was a cavern, a hidden place. He probably took the burden both because he's an anomaly, and because he knew just what cards could be played. Or cause he was, y'know, wanting redemption for his own past wrongs. This left Celestia with a MASSIVE advantage of intel.

-Foreign governments had at least a small knowledge, and it might have helped if I mentioned they thought it was worth the satisfaction of such a large scale joke, Celestia not knowing something that big when she's always been on top, and couldn't be mad about it when she finally found out. :trollestia:

-Exactly when is the general public sensible? They'd have demanded blood unless everything was made public, and we don't know what the cult would do if they had to stop hiding.

-It was also heavily implied that the two ambassadors were loyal to Celestia, above their own governments...

-Story says it directly. The filly was trapped at age 5 for fifty years. She was between 50 and 55. :ajbemused:

-Banana

All told, thank you for having enough passion over the story to debate over it. That tells me it really caught your attention. :twilightsmile:

I was really hoping that this would be either be a Columbine type story or Postal crossover. Why else would you place so much focus on that damn long black coat?

After realizing that this was not the edgefest that I wanted, my thoughts turned to much of the same criticisms and concerns as 9151915 and 9156018

Oh well, though I did not care for your plot, you did write it well and in an engaging manner.

9157011
I did very much like the story. But if I may offer a rebuttal:

Tomato.

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