• Member Since 15th Jun, 2018
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Eternal Nightshade


I'm Just a fellow brony.

E
Source

An average run of the mill person gets thrown into the world of Equestria just not quite the way he hoped,now he has to figure out how to be the Princess of Friendship before ponies get too suspicious.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 15 )

this should be interesting to see play out

I just hope this doesn't end up like the others you know abandoned

9279763
I have plans to keep this story going for a bit of time... but my updates might be a little spacious, i have an extreme case of procrastination. :scootangel:

9279588
I'm trying not to make it generic, but even I don't know where most of the story is going :pinkiecrazy:

Everything seems fine. You shall be escorted to your castle as soon as Celestia raises the sun”

Don't steamroll so much! You don't have to push ahead in the plot super fast. Take some time to get yourself comfortable, ease the reader into the situation. Do you really think it's a good idea to have a nurse there ready to say "Yup you're fine. Time to get ready to go," before the protagonist has gotten in a single word edgewise? I mean maybe Equestrian medical care is just that bad, but...

The Nurse Pony Shrugged and hoped that this was due to temporary amnesia

I left a constructive comment on this chapter, and you found it very insightful. Everyone was really impressed. :duck:

Don't just explain what's going on. Describe how the nurse pony acted when she hoped it was due to temporary amnesia, and leave it unexplained. If you still feel like people are going to be lost if you don't explain, then describe more.

Also you missed an opportunity there.

“Thank goodness Princess Twilight, you’re awake!”
“Princess Twilight? My name's Jack, not Princess Twilight!”
“Jack? But surely the name you remember is Princess Twilight!”
“No, I remember Jack.”
“You don't??”
“I don't what?”
“What do you remember?”
“Jack.”
“It's worse than I thought! You have total amnesia!”

9282481

Thanks for the tips! Although the next chapter should have more conversational aspects, I tried to cut down on explanations to make it easier to digest,Then Again I wasn't really thinking too hard about comedy I'll try to include a bit more :pinkiesmile:

9282517
Don't worry about comedy. Just focus on describing in vivid detail what you're gonna explain, until you don't need to explain it anymore.

As interesting as the concept is, it has a little too much telling and not enough showing. The grammar and punctuation needs some work as well.

Like, for instance, these sentences:

"Yes Spike?".

Generally you don't use a full stop after a closing quote mark.

Jack would be caught in a moment of confusion looking around himself before hesitantly assuming the role and speaking up

This is what's called a run-on sentence. You need extra punctuation here.

Also, I've noticed you've got some trouble with tenses, given that the sentence above is actually in future tense, whereas two paragraphs before:

He clamped his mouth shut not daring to speak another word as he started to dance about on his hooves "I'm Twilight?" he thought shaking his head within reasonable disbelief "There is no way that could happen, she doesn't exist!" he started to panic frantically turning his head left and right as if he was looking for something in haste.

is in past tense.

Oh, and you move from third person to first person in the last few paragraphs:

Spike would look down with slight worry and a chuckle "Heh heh forgot you were at the hospital, are you okay?"

Mustering all the strength I had not to chuck Spike off a distant cliff I replied with a slightly exasperated tone "Of course I'm fine Spike why wouldn't I be?"

Comment posted by Domom deleted Nov 25th, 2018

this can only end badly and I will be eating popcorn as it does

It is a nice story, but I think you need to proofread more or get someone to proofread it for you as there are some problems. Below is some of the things I found, I hope it helps you a bit.

I took a couple of wobbly and cautious steps the mere size of the interior room had caught my amazement luckily no one was around to catch my starry eyed gaze, Then I had noticed a couple of glaring issues stopping in my tracks while i began to mumble as I tended to do while in deep thought "Alright first off I had no idea where the Library even was asking would likely bring suspicion seeing as Twilight herself would normally know, Second of all i can barely manage to walk without almost losing my balance which would be sure to tip someone off to something, and Third of all I have no idea how to control magic. I see why Twilight makes lists". I said ending my internal monologue I took a deep breath and tried to look for some sort of direction or sign but much to my dismay I saw the same crystal walls with the same crystal pathways.

starry eyed should be starry-eyed also a few capitalization problems.

"Seriously how do you find your way around this place, everything looks the same!" I had stopped barely making it into the center of the first room without falling over I really needed to master at least walking, it would make travel so much easier. I began to try to pace in a circle focusing on my hooves I couldn't get a rhythm going often tripping over myself or falling to the side from the lack of support on the ground. I shook my head after the last failed attempt I had ended up on my side so I tried to shift my weight luckily I had been near a wall that could support my efforts i rubbed myself against the glass like surface and managed to push my hooves from under me I stood once more trying to survey my surroundings, It seemed like no one heard my failed attempts and I pursued onward absent minded as I was focusing on trying to form a game-plan to my surprise I was walking in circles around the edge of the wall. As soon as I noticed I was walking without difficulty, my legs had seemingly turned into Jello causing me to again crash into the hard crystalline floor I let out a slight yelp of pain as one of my hooves started to sting. "Note to self Thinking about walking doesn't aid movement."

A few commata missing(marked the places), also a question should end with a question mark, even rhetorical ones "how do you find your way around this place". Also, some sentences are really long, I think there should be a period after "of the first room without falling over". Also an I is not capitalized.

With this new information in mind I pushed myself upwards again as the pain subsided I focused solely on finding the Library in this place I picked a hallway and traversed down it's similar decor. Often stopping at available doors I exited many with a disappointed frown as I had seemingly found a couple of Storage Rooms, a Broom Closet and the Kitchen where Spike laid face down in a bowl of gems I presume, that last one made me particularly frustrated as i had seemingly looped around a couple of times. "Seriously how do you get lost in this place!" I yelled the anger picking up in my tone as no one responded it was eerily quiet not that I wanted company that would only bring about more problems. I think I took a right turn I was so lost in frustration I didn't watch where I was going the trail ended in front of a room that actually had a sign. I was elated at last the Library! or so I thought I proceeded to read the sign out loud "Starlight's Room".

Again a few punctuations missing, commata except after "subsided" and "responded" it needs periods. It should be its and not it's and capitalization is missing on the "or".

It took me a bit to process what I had just read then the realization hit me like a truck my thoughts speeding through my mind like a bullet train "Starlight?! Oh god, should I?" I was racked with doubt on one hand.. or was it hoof? Regardless I could meet my favorite character or I could hasten my departure from this land, I must've been lost in thought again because I didn't notice the door open suddenly another purple hoof waved in front of my face as Starlight had said something.

I few commata missing, also it seems a word is missing between "truck" and "my thoughts". Also,".." should be either an ellipsis or a period.

Starlight must've felt a little weary she began to slowly back away before coming to a halt her hoof touching the tip of my horn which made me shiver a little, she began to speak with a slightly worried tone as if I had just asked to lick her eyeball.

Again needs a word or something in between, probably "[...] weary as she began[...]" and "[...]a halt. Then her hoof touched[...]". If a sentence has 9 different verbs it is probably run on a bit too much.

9401838
I was kinda hoping you would say she went to sleep

Kinda like this story, please keep going.

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