• Member Since 15th Jun, 2018
  • offline last seen 11 minutes ago

Eternal Pie

I'm Just a fellow brony.


An average run of the mill person gets thrown into the world of Equestria just not quite the way he hoped,now he has to figure out how to be the Princess of Friendship before ponies get too suspicious.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 7 )

this should be interesting to see play out

I just hope this doesn't end up like the others you know abandoned

I have plans to keep this story going for a bit of time... but my updates might be a little spacious, i have an extreme case of procrastination. :scootangel:

I'm trying not to make it generic, but even I don't know where most of the story is going :pinkiecrazy:

Everything seems fine. You shall be escorted to your castle as soon as Celestia raises the sun”

Don't steamroll so much! You don't have to push ahead in the plot super fast. Take some time to get yourself comfortable, ease the reader into the situation. Do you really think it's a good idea to have a nurse there ready to say "Yup you're fine. Time to get ready to go," before the protagonist has gotten in a single word edgewise? I mean maybe Equestrian medical care is just that bad, but...

The Nurse Pony Shrugged and hoped that this was due to temporary amnesia

I left a constructive comment on this chapter, and you found it very insightful. Everyone was really impressed. :duck:

Don't just explain what's going on. Describe how the nurse pony acted when she hoped it was due to temporary amnesia, and leave it unexplained. If you still feel like people are going to be lost if you don't explain, then describe more.

Also you missed an opportunity there.

“Thank goodness Princess Twilight, you’re awake!”
“Princess Twilight? My name's Jack, not Princess Twilight!”
“Jack? But surely the name you remember is Princess Twilight!”
“No, I remember Jack.”
“You don't??”
“I don't what?”
“What do you remember?”
“It's worse than I thought! You have total amnesia!”


Thanks for the tips! Although the next chapter should have more conversational aspects, I tried to cut down on explanations to make it easier to digest,Then Again I wasn't really thinking too hard about comedy I'll try to include a bit more :pinkiesmile:

Don't worry about comedy. Just focus on describing in vivid detail what you're gonna explain, until you don't need to explain it anymore.

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