Ponyville Mentality
Two princesses and a small orange thing sat in Twilight's kitchen.
"SHE STARTED IT!!" they both screamed in unison.
Celestia watched the two with a blank expression.
"Well, you both should've thought of that before Twilight tried to beat Scootaloo to death with that chicken, and Scootaloo tried to overthrow the throne in response," She finally answered.
"That is not how that went down!" Twilight huffed.
"Oh really?!" Scootaloo sneered. "Yeah okay Princess of Friendship, what do you call TACKLING ME OUT OF THE AIR-"
Twilight cut her off, "I was saving your-"
"HEADBUTTING ME, WITH YOUR HORN!"
"I was sav-"
"LIGHTING UP SAID HORN WHILE STILL INSIDE ME-"
"Oh my~" Celestia wiggled her brows.
"AND SUMMONING, OF ALL THINGS, A FLOCK OF CHICKENS!?"
"EITHER ALL THOSE CHICKENS WERE GOING TO DIE OR IT WAS YOU! I MADE MY CHOICE!!" Twilight screamed back.
"WELL NOW-"
"Inside voice please." Celestia interjected.
"Well now a bunch of pegasus are suing you for dropping dead chickens all over their children."
Twilight groaned in frustration, "I saved, EVERYPONY'S life-"
"Inside voice," Celestia murmured.
"Everypony's life from an evil necromancer, by stopping-"
"Switching his sacrifice for chickens," Scootaloo cut in.
"By stopping him," Twilight growled, "and this is the thanks I get?"
"Where's my money?" Scootaloo squinted her eyes.
Twilight rolled hers. "Oh please-"
Scootaloo somehow did the most visibly wretched thing and pinched the ends of her left hoof together, rubbing them meaningfully.
"Where's my money? Where's that sweet lawsuit dough?"
"The matter is actually more serious than that."
Both of the ponies in the room stopped fighting and glanced up at Celestia.
"Because of the collateral damage caused by you two, all of Cloudsdale was left rather peeved. Normally, I would've hired experts to clean up the place and offer support in getting food or transportation. It's the customary olive branch whenever things get complicated. I can't do this unfortunately as Scootaloo not also sued you, but made multiple speeches towards Cloudsdale rallying the ponies against Twilight. She claimed that Twilight caused most of the damage assaulting the town with dead chickens, and with a bit of time and scrying magic, that was proven true."
Twilight broke out into a cold sweat.
"Ha!" Scootaloo did a hoof pump. "That's right, you stupid idi-"
Celestia cleared her throat. "Because Scootaloo gave multiple speeches of mutiny against Twilight, I have the right to throw her into jail without question."
"What?" Scootaloo threw her hooves up. "What happened to freedom of speech?"
"I don't care," Celestia answered. "Now, I tried to be reasonable with Cloudsdale, and they turned me away. So I tried being unreasonable, and everypony agreed it would be really funny if you two ended up married after all this. I agreed without hesitation."
"WHAT?!"
"So, because you both hate each other, and because I want these lawsuits to disappear for cheap, you two are getting married." Celestia smiled. "Or else."
"Princess Celestia, you can't do this!" Twilight wailed.
"Please Twilight, we're both princesses, call me Celestia."
"Oh, sorry. Celestia, you can't do this!" Twilight wailed.
"I can't, but I can make both of your lives such absolute hell to the very end that Twilight will stop casually destroying towns saving the day next time." Celestia magicked herself a tea kettle. "Both of you need to learn a lesson in responsibility. For the rest of Scootaloo's life, so mine's easier for a bit."
"You say that," Scootaloo's eye twitched, "with such a straight face."
"It takes practice." Celestia gave her a gentle look.
"Look, your Highness-"
"Please," Celestia cut her off as well, "I'm forcing you to marry someone you hate, call me Celestia."
"...Celestia, you're a piece of shit."
"Welcome to the family Scootaloo."
"No! No no no no no!" Twilight stopped. "No matter what, it is not worth it, there is no way you are getting me to marry Scootaloo!"
"Twilight, don't make me pull out my trump card."
Twilight cringed. "Th- that's kind of a buzz word n-"
"Don't make me pull out my ace in the hole."
"Better, and I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY!"
"Your Mom likes me more than you," Celestia declared.
"What."
"Your mother, Twilight, plays favorites, and I am that favorite." Celestia held her head up proud.
"That's... what? No, that's stupid." Twilight scrunched her muzzle.
Celestia blinded the room with a blast of light. Standing next to Twilight Sparkle, looking disorientated, was Twilight Velvet.
Celestia took a deep breath, then screamed, "MISS VELVET TWILIGHT WON'T ACCEPT HER PUNISHMENT FOR DESTROYING CLOUDSDALE AND SCARING LITTLE CHILDREN!!"
"Celestia, inside voice." Velvet gave her a stern stare.
"Sorry."
"Mom? How do you know Princess Celestia?!"
Velvet frowned. "She was your teacher. What are you, stupid?"
"Yes," Scootaloo answered.
"Oh well hello there! Pleasure to see you again Scootaloo."
"Sup Miss Velvet!" Scootaloo winked at her.
"Never wink at my mother again." Twilight shivered. "Also, don't talk to her."
"Twilight, manners," Velvet scolded.
"But she-"
"I just got told you destroyed all of Cloudsdale?" She placed her hooves on her hips.
Twilight looked down at the floor. She pawed the ground for a second before turning slightly away.
"Maybe," she pouted.
"Twilight Sparkle, I did not raise you to destroy cities and throw fits over technicalities afterwards!" Velvet narrowed her eyes. "You take responsibility for your actions right now!"
"But-"
"No buts!" Velvet turned towards Celestia. "You send me back home and ask before teleporting me next time, do you understand?"
"Yes Miss Velvet." Celestia bowed her head.
"I'll see you on Hearth's Warming dear."
Twilight's mouth hung open as Celestia bent down, allowing Twilight Velvet to kiss her cheek. With another bright flash, Velvet was teleported back home.
"When did you and my Mom start hanging out?" Twilight asked.
"When I learned your Mom was awesome." Celestia glanced at the clock. "Pardon me, I have a funeral for many chickens to arrange."
"Wait, what? Why would you hold a funeral for chickens?" Twilight furrowed her brow.
"I don't have much respect for anypony's life style Twilight, but I always value life."
"What?"
"She just said I don't give a fuck but love to those taking a dirt nap, what are you, stupid?" Scootaloo gave Twilight a disapproving look. "Maybe it would be best for you to contemplate if you should be, or not to be, that's a good question!"
Celestia cleared her throat, "She just implied you should-"
Twilight pushed her nose up against Celestia's. "That I should consider suicide, yes, I know Shakespeare thank you very much!"
Celestia backed up, and started trotting toward's Twilight's stove. "Spendid, well... best I be off to arrange that funeral. If I stay off the throne for too long a noble will pass some silly law that will let them donate tax money to themselves or something."
The small orange thing leaned against a wall. "Geez, aren't you the princess? What's with the political jokes?"
Celestia heated a tea kettle up with her magic. "Scootaloo, the day I stop making fun of myself is the day I start dying on the inside." She lifted the kettle to her lips, chugged the boiling tea, and teleported away.
The kettle clanked against the kitchen floor.
"Welp," Scootaloo turned to leave, "I have to go tell my aunt I'm being forced to marry you."
"You have an aunt? To be honest I thought you were an orphan." Twilight stopped to glare at her dirty dishes.
"Ponyville doesn't have an orphanage, why would you assume that?"
Twilight rubbed her temples. "I assumed you lived on the streets or something."
"You thought I was living on the streets and you were just okay with it?!"
"I don't know! You're a pony from Ponyville! Half of the time you all get involved when the day needs to be saved. I figured you were some kind of super orphan that was cool with the town." Twilight shrugged.
"What kind of twisted logic is that? Also, I was one of the flower girls at your sister in law's wedding, I did that as a frickin' favor for you!"
"You did that because I was right about Chrysalis actually being a monster trying to steal my brother! Don't try to paint an apology as a favor!"
Scootaloo threw her hooves up. "I PUT ON A CONSTRICTING, LAME ASS DRESS FOR YOU, GOT ALL PRETTY, DOCILE, AND SWEET!! AND THIS, THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT ME?!"
"YOU WERE ALWAYS JUST THE FLOWER GIRL!! YOU WERE NEVER SUPPOSE TO BE ANYTHING MORE!"
"WELL GUESS WHAT DUMBASS? I'M YOUR WIFE!"
...
Both of them lowered their heads in defeat.
They both gave each other a tired look. The eye contact stayed there for a good while before Twilight broke away and picked up the kettle. She quietly worked to herself, cleaning the few dirty dishes left in the sink and starting up the dishwasher. Scootaloo grabbed a broom in the corner of the room and started to sweep. After she cleaned the floor she started to wipe down the counters.
Twilight opened the fridge with her magic and pulled out butter and eggs. She began to hum gently to herself, grabbing salt, baking soda, sugar, and vanilla extract. She put all the ingredients floating around her head onto the counter. A large bowl with a mixing spoon approached her behind wrapped in her aura, and she started to crack open the eggs.
Watching Twilight work, Scootaloo left the room and explored for a bit. After a good fifteen minutes or so, she returned with a couple blankets and pillows stacked on top of her. She came back just in time to see Twilight put cookies into the oven. Grabbing the blankets, she laid them flat, smoothed out against the kitchen floor, one on top of the other. She took a pillow and passed it to Twilight.
Twilight silently took the pillow and laid it on a corner of the blanket. She laid down and stared at the kitchen ceiling. Her ear flicked as she heard Scootaloo lay down next to her, the two remained quiet. The heat from the oven made the room a cozy temperature. Twilight flicked the light switch off, dimming the room down to the oven's gentle glow. Raindrops tapped against the closed window nearby.
The smell of cookies drifted throughout the kitchen.
"...That's the closest you've ever come to saying you think I'm cool and independent, so I'll let the orphan thing slide." Scootaloo spoke up.
"What?"
"Calling me a super orphan."
"Oh, well yeah." Twilight smiled. "Everypony here is amazing. It's why I'm happy to be the Princess of Ponyville. I may not have the respect or power Celestia has, but I think this town alone could beat the rest of Equestria hooves down, and that's the way I like it."
"You're pretty cool too, Twilight," Scootaloo chuckled.
She scooted a little closer to the large, warm, fluffy mare.
"So why did you summon a flock of chickens back there?"
Twilight grimaced. "You won't like the answer."
"Beat me with it."
"I needed to replace you with another living being. I was trying to think of what while I was staring at you, and well..."
Twilight waited for the screaming.
It never came.
"Why didn't you do the same for all the ponies he attacked before me?"
"I already told you the answer to that Scootaloo. They were Cloudsdale's ponies."
Twilight shifted a little, then wrapped Scootaloo in a wing.
"You're one of us."
...
Two ponies quietly napped, as the smell of burnt cookies filled the kitchen.
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OH WOW SPEED WRITING LOOK AT YOU YOU MADE A LOT OF MISTAKES LIKE PUTTING DOWN AN A INSTEAD OF AN AND AND ALSO LOOK AT THAT NONSENSICAL START.
8594900
HOW ABOUT YOU GO CUT YOUR WRISTS IN WARM WATER OKAY? NICE JOB PUTTING THE WORD AND NEXT TO ITSELF THAT'S NOT UGLY.
8594903
WHY DON'T YOU RUB FIBERGLASS ON YOUR NIPPLES, AND FINISH THIS ALREADY.
The artist who drew that cover art drew it specifically for my story, I'll Always be Here for You. Since it was a commission, and since you obviously didn't ask the artist if you could defile their art, I'd appreciate it if you used something else.
And no, scribbling on the cover-art in MS paint doesn't make it an original work.
can I just say that I need more of this this was awesome and twilight being a raceist kinda funny
8598676
8598687
Oh.
Whoops.
8598705
Thanks man.
8598717
No harm intended dude, sorry 'bout that.
Are you drunk?
8598771
Noooooo~?
Why do I feel that this would have been even funnier in Home is for the Weak? Still I got to say Twilight did a major bad here and Scootaloo should be getting off Scott free.
adding to favorites before reading on grounds it being by Pickleless.
8598834
I suppose I should have, and that's my bad.
The issue has already been resolved without issue as pickleless has removed the art, which I am grateful for. Why are you trying to bring me back here to start needless drama? I won't discuss this any further.
That was different....
8598733
It's all good man. Thanks again!
8598834
Fair use discussion on a fanfiction site, lulz.
I think this was my favourite part
8598676
Fucking lol
This has been a bizarre and, at times, slightly uncomfortable experience, And I loved it.
Scootaloo should have been honored, according to magic equivalence (which is totally a thing) she's not a chicken, she 's an entire flock of them.
8598834
Something like a commission inherits a one-time permission that is nontransferable. The artist or Abyss could have gone to the sitemods which would have resulted in yhe story being taken down until the art was removed.
8599251
It was bad.
8599498
We'd actually just take down the art without revoking the story. Plus, there'd be no reason to file a report since asking the author of the story did the trick. 👍
Though, I think Kami's point is there's a social etiquette to handling things. If someone has an issue with me, or something I've done, I'd like it to be addressed with me in private, not in a comment's section. I'm sure you would agree. Especially since knowing the author in this case, Pickleless is an incredible, understanding person. A polite PM would have done the trick, I'm 110% positive.
Well that was a crackfic if I've ever seen one. XD
Thi
s was amazing
I don't know why but that line had me busting a gut!!
lel
Daw
8599612
You're cool too idiot-
I genuinely love this
8598834
As good as a point as you've made, if the actual artist asked civilly for the art to be taken down, it'd be a respectful gesture to listen. But, since the artist hasn't, and most fandom artists are pretty lax with using their art, this isn't usually a concern - most put warnings in the descriptions on DA, or many other things, and since that wasn't done... it shouldn't be a problem, especially considering the lack of any content (rape, foalcon, or even just clop) that would make most artists want to.
8598676
You're impossible to take seriously.
9338630
You’re welcome, and thank you.
They require an expert
Man, why isn't this an actual episode?
I fucking died at this line. And then throughout the rest of the story. I don't know how you do it, but your humor, and especially the way you write best horse is goddamn art.
Giggity
8594912
...you ok there?
I'm incredibly confused but I think I kinda like it