"We design madness and paint it gold..."
It had all been far too easy. Getting ahold of Starswirl’s spell had been a cinch. Modifying it to better fit her needs? Even easier. The only trouble now was getting rid of that nuisance: Twilight Sparkle. Wherever Starlight Glimmer went, the Princess of Friendship was right on her tail, ready to put a halt to her nefarious scheme. Starlight remained one step ahead, but how long could this really go on for?
However long it takes, she decided. Would it really be that simple, though?
That question was answered as she completed yet another use of the time travel spell, her horn flickering a bit before dimming entirely. As she plopped down to the ground of a brand new timeline, she grinned. This time, she would rid herself of that purple menace once and for all.
Only… there was no purple menace. Starlight sat, waiting, but her unwitting prey simply wasn’t appearing.
Hmpf, maybe she finally came to her senses and gave up this ridiculous chase, Starlight pondered.
A powerful impact to her side wiped that possibility away, and the unsuspecting unicorn lost hold of the scroll she so desperately needed to escape. Her body landed on the ground with a thud, knocking dirt into the air. Her dangerous enemy loomed over her, a frown spread across her face. She knew better than to struggle. That would be pointless, at least for the moment.
“It’s over, Starlight.”
Starlight sent a frown of her own at Twilight, “It’s never going to be over. You might have caught me now, but no matter what you do, I’ll always be back to ruin your stupid little friendships.”
“No, you won’t,” Twilight stated. Starlight cursed under her breath. Just the way she acted so confident sent a bolt of rage through her “Don’t you see what you’re doing to the world?”
“Who cares what happens to the world?” Starlight shot back. “As long as you and your friends never meet, I couldn’t care less.”
“Look around you!” Twilight cried out, her frustration finally beginning to shine through. “You’ve allowed a world where chaos runs rampant to exist!”
“Better than a world where I have no friends.”
Twilight’s reply was cut off by a quick jab of Starlight’s hoof. The strike connected with the Princess’s cheek, staggering her back. It was just enough to allow Starlight the opportunity to squirm away, and she hastily took it, scrambling towards the scroll she had used to start all of this.
“Oh no you don’t!” Twilight yelled, pouncing onto Starlight’s back. The ponies tumbled to the ground, landing directly atop Starswirl’s scroll as they grappled at one another. In the midst of all this, they failed to notice the scroll flaring alight. “We’re going back to normal if it’s the last thing we—”
Suddenly, all the weight atop of Starlight disappeared. The unicorn blinked, looking for her pursuer, but she was nowhere to be found. Had it really been that easy to finally rid herself of Twilight Sparkle and her incessant ‘friendship’ garbage? If it had, then Starlight certainly wasn’t going to complain. After all, that meant that now she had total reign over her enemy’s life. Twilight and her friends were going to…
Wait a minute, Starlight paused her inner monologue. Reality came crashing down as she finally noticed one very important detail. Her heart pounded, panic beginning to set in. The scroll… where is it?!
Try as she might, the panicked pony found no sign of her precious parchment anywhere in sight. Oh no, it must have vanished with Twilight!
This was bad, and she knew it. She hadn’t taken any time to check out her surroundings, but she did know one thing. A world where Twilight Sparkle and her friends never met couldn’t be very good. That scroll was her one-way ticket in and out of these alternate timelines, but now, the reality of the situation was all too apparent.
She was stuck.
“Alright, Starlight. Keep it together…”
Starlight’s hooves clacked softly along the ground as she explored her new surroundings. This world was… strange, to say the least. What she had assumed to be grass during her scuffle with Twilight Sparkle was actually some sort of weird plaid texture. It wasn’t quite as soft as soil, but it wasn’t as hard as cobblestone, either.
The sky, meanwhile, was filled with clouds. Pink ones. She had never heard of a pink cloud, let alone plaid ground. Shockingly, those were only the tip of the iceberg. Upside down flowers, paths of what looked like spilled dish soap, and even trees weighed down by giant fruits dotted the landscape as far as she could see. The strangest thing by far was the day to night cycle in this world. Each one seemed to last less than five seconds at the most.
“Just what the heck is this place?” Starlight asked aloud. “This can’t possibly be Equestria. That stupid spell must have failed or something…”
She shuddered at the thought. If that indeed was the case, then she would definitely be stuck here, and not temporarily. Deciding to take a more thorough look at her surroundings, she spied what looked to be some sort of settlement in the distance, just barely poking out over the horizon. It would take a decent amount of time to trot there, so she wisely took a moment to try and get a bearing on her direction.
It seemed as if the settlement was southeast of her, but it was hard to tell with the Sun and Moon constantly battling for position in the sky. Starlight wheeled around, hoping for some sort of hint as to her location, and was pleasantly surprised to see the city of Canterlot poking out of the mountainside. Using that as her guide, she determined that she was right about her direction, and that the settlement in question was actually Ponyville.
Only, from this distance, it didn’t look at all like Ponyville should. With a sigh, the nervous mare set off towards the small town.
“What the hay?”
That was all that Starlight could really say as she finally reached Ponyville. Well, what used to be Ponyville. Words didn’t do it justice. Upside down buildings in the sky, ponies floating through the air, giant animals running rampant, and more strange occurrences made to seem ordinary.
Madness was the only way to describe it.
How could something like this even happen? She asked herself. Not that she would get an answer, of course. She doubted that anypony could answer something like that. She would have to find out for herself.
But how…?
A bit of laughter in the distance grabbed her attention. Whoever it was sounded like they were having a ball. The question was, Who in the hay would find any of this funny?
That question was answered as she galloped off to find the source. It had come from the top of a large, purple section of the plaid landscape. Starlight slowed to a leisurely trot as she neared the peak, and her sight settled on what looked like a throne. The throne wasn’t what truly caught her attention, though. Rather, it was who was sitting in the throne.
Discord… She realized grimly. Truthfully, she didn’t know too much about Fluttershy’s friend, but what she had picked up on while spying on them was enough for her to understand what was going on. Without Twilight and her friends around to stop the self-proclaimed ‘Master of Chaos’, the world had been his for the taking.
“Oh gosh, this is bad…” She muttered, fear gripping her. That turned out to be a mistake, as the draconequus she was staring at finally took notice of her. His laughter ceased as her eyes turned to pinpricks.
“Hmm…” Discord’s voice was silky smooth as he slithered his way towards her. The evil entity regarded her curiously, his eyes very nearly popping out of their sockets as he took a closer look. “You’re not from this world, which can only mean one thing.”
Starlight elected to stay quiet, allowing Discord to continue voicing his thoughts.
“You must have found Starswirl the Bearded’s time travel spell. Tell me, am I also the ruler of your world?”
An audible gulp escaped Starlight. “No. A pony named Twilight Sparkle stopped you.”
“Twilight Sparkle?” Discord drew back, a large book appearing in front of him. The pony he loomed over could do nothing but watch as he flipped through the many pages. “How odd, I’m not finding anything about a ‘Twilight Sparkle’. What role does she play in your world?”
“Um… the Element of Magic,” Starlight answered nervously. For a moment, all seemed well, but she was caught off guard by Discord quite literally catching on fire. A look of pure rage spread throughout his face, and it honestly frightened her.
“Those accursed Elements of Harmony still exist!?”
“Not in this world…” came Starlight’s dejected reply. “And it’s all my fault…”
The fire that had consumed Discord just moments before blinked out of existence at her words. His look of anger gone, replaced by one of curiousity. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that I used Starswirl’s spell to keep Twilight and her friends from ever meeting,” Starlight admitted fully. She didn’t see a point in hiding the truth from Discord with nothing to lose. “Without them discovering the Elements of Harmony, there was nopony to stand up to you.”
With a flash of light, Discord was back in his throne. Starlight peered up at him, finally spotting the enormous grin plastered across his face. “If nopony can stop me, then what am I going to do with you?”
Starlight didn’t give Discord a chance to think about it, finally turning heel and sprinting away from Equestria’s newest ruler. She didn’t make it far before he teleported right into her path, and she braced her front hooves as she slid forward, colliding with his lower half and toppling to the ground. Adrenaline coursed through her body as she scrambled back to her hooves and attempted yet another escape.
Unfortunately, in a world where she had been one step ahead of Twilight, Discord was now one step ahead of her. With nothing else to do, the terrified unicorn used the only spell she could think, blinking out of existence.
The air sizzled, electricity crackling as Starlight popped back into reality, falling to the ground with a thud. The shaken mare steadily righted herself, using a free hoof to rub at her pounding head. It had been a long time since she had used a teleportation spell, and never outside of practice.
The question is, where am I now? She asked herself, taking a moment to survey her immediate surroundings. She was in some sort of building, one that she couldn’t help but feel was familiar to her.
“W-who’s there?”
The hairs on Starlight neck stood tall, and the unicorn turned around to see a very familiar unicorn staring back at her. “Rarity?”
Now it was clear to her. Her ‘random’ location had turned out to be the Carousel Boutique. Well, what would have been the Carousel Boutique, had it not been for her meddling. The more of this world she saw, the more she was beginning to understand what Twilight had been so desperate to make clear to her.
This was all her fault.
“How do you know my name?” Rarity asked, her eyes widening a bit. The normally posh unicorn’s mane was a disheveled mess, and her usually well-trimmed coat had grown to be shaggy and unkempt. “Did he send you?!”
Before Starlight could even reply, Rarity let out a shriek and ran upstairs. A door slamming was the last noise she heard before silence took over. Starlight fell to her haunches, letting out a sigh of defeat. That wasn’t the Rarity she knew. Not one little bit…
It felt like hours before the unrelenting silence was finally broken. Her inner turmoil put on hold, if only for a moment.
“I think I understand now.”
“What is there to understand…?” Starlight replied morosely. She didn’t even bother to look back at Discord, electing to keep her gaze focused tightly on the floor. “This is all my fault.”
“Come now, having me as your ruler isn’t all bad,” Discord snickered, shrinking down in size and curling down into her vision. “Think of the wonders of a world without order!”
Starlight frowned. If there was one thing she missed right about now, it was order. “I’d rather not.”
“Fine then, be that way!” Discord cried out, sticking his thumb in his mouth. With a quick shot of breath, he ballooned back to normal size, stunning the unicorn beneath him. “But let me ask you this. Do you know that what you did was wrong?”
A lone tear escaped Starlight’s eye as she thought on that question, rolling down her cheek for a moment before splashing to the ground. That tear was quickly joined by many more as she finally began to pour out her feelings to the spirit of disharmony. “I just want to go home! I don’t want to have this stupid fight with Twilight anymore! I want it all to end! Please, Twilight, just come back and save me!” She shouted to the heavens, hoping, praying, that her cries for help would be heard.
“Why should anypony deserve forgiveness?” Discord asked, grabbing her attention back. Snot ran rampant from her snout, mixing with her tears. “I just wanted to have fun, and what did I get for it?”
With a snap of his talons, Discord summoned a replica of his statue into the room. “I got encased in stone for over a thousand years…
“So you can cry for help all you want. You can beg for forgiveness, beg to be saved. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, this world isn’t the most forgiving. I’ll leave you to it, Starlight Glimmer.”
So he does know who I am…
“I just want to go home…” Starlight sniffled, her gaze falling back to the floor. A puddle of tears had formed, and she found herself staring at her reflection. This world existed because of her. Right now, Twilight Sparkle and her friends were home, safe and sound, and she was stuck here.
With a flash of light, her tormentor vanished. She was truly alone, stuck in a world that had no place for her. More tears escaped her, but it would do no good. There was no way home. Not now.
If there was one thing Starlight had learned, it was that difference between perceiving yourself to be alone, and truly being alone, was quite large. With a deep breath, she shouted towards the heavens once more. When no reply came, she fell to the floor in heap.
Would this torment ever end?
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She's in Dissy's world now!
Ayyy this was really cool. Loved Starlight's hopelessness and fear, felt genuine. I loved it!
I love that "vanilla" writing you mentioned. A few of my stories were done without much editing I just kinda wrote it and submitted. It's sometimes really fun that way!
Meh.
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Care to explain why it is "meh", or are you going to be one of those people who leaves an ambiguous comment with no explanation? I actually like criticism, it helps me grow, so I would appreciate hearing your thoughts.
8277948
There can be no hope in this hell... no hope at all best describes Starlight's fate
8277948 8277938
Well, I did Like the story, and I clearly can't speak to Griseus' exact criticism, but my critique may be similar. If my thoughts are similar, Griseus, perhaps you can let Seventh Heaven know.
The reason I put it in my "Thumbs Up" list instead of my "Favorites" was due to what, I suppose, I could describe as a "Meh" quality. The story is fine from a technical perspective. I didn't notice any grammatical errors from my casual reading. However, there wasn't anything that interesting that I could point to as a great moment in the story. It left little in the way of impact and, at least for me, the impact of a darkfic is fundamental to it.
When I read Dark stories, I hope to find something shocking or something that gives me pause. Something fear inducing, disturbing, or maddeningly unjust. I didn't find much of that here.
I was frightened for Starlight when she first stumbled across Discord and my mind raced with possibilities. Would he do something truly terrible to her? Would he thank her for helping him create this version of Equestria and make her his queen? Would he force her to help him take over more timelines? But the fear didn't lead to anything. And I think the reason is due to a decision earlier on.
The psychological impact of Starlight realizing that she was trapped was used too soon. The end of the first section was the line "She was stuck." So, I thought that the rest of the story would be exploring her experience of being trapped. Would she deny her fate and try ever more desperate attempts to get home? Would she accept her fate and begin to convince herself that she loved the chaos? Instead, she is simply sad that she is stuck and only beginning to feel the pain of her imprisonment. That's a fine way to end a dark story, but I feel like, if the story is going to end on that note, it shouldn't touch on the point so much earlier.
Still, the scenes were well written, the characters were well written, and I get what it was going for. For a first attempt at a darkfic, I think it was alright. I was just hoping for something more.
I hope you found this helpful.
8278085
I do find this helpful, thank you very much!
I've never attempted anything close to a dark fic in my years on the site, so I thought I'd delve into the genre a bit and see what I could do. Looking at it, you're right about the revelation of her being "stuck there" being used a little bit too quickly. Next time I write a story in this genre, I'll try to experiment a bit more with scenes that really delve into exactly why the story is considered dark.
In this one, I was a little hesitant to do that because I didn't want to overdo anything and risk ruining what I felt was a good story.
Thank you for the advice and criticism, it was very well put!
I personally found this to be a wonderful dive into the psychological torment. The realization that entirity of the situation rested at Starlight's hooves and no one else's was wonderfully done. I get that others might have wanted to see Discord do some darker things, but I think this was the best punishment of all. Starlight's stuck in a world of her own creation. A world where madness and chaos rules supreme, and there's nothing that can stop it. She understands that she will never be saved, there will be no hope, no chance at redemption. She's left to the tender mercies of a world that is ruled by pure madness.
Well done.
I gave my thoughts on this before, but I'll give it here too.
I didn't really feel any of the despair Starlight felt at the end there. I mean I could certainly feel the narrative trying to get me to feel it, especially here:
but there was nothing really there to accentuate that suffering, it just kind of feels forced in at the end.
What essentially happens in this fic is Starlight winds up in Discordestria, Discord gets mad about the elements, she teleports to the boutique and sees a Discorded Rarity, then Discord gives a little speech and vanishes. where's the torment? I mean the fact that she's stuck there is awful but there was no real punch to the gut that made me realize 'oh shit this is bad'.
It was good grammatically but dark wise it felt lacking. Hope that's understandable.
I wonder if Starlight will eventually attempt to befriend Discord and make him reform...
She should have ditched Twilight and herself in the Crystal War timeline, though. That would have been interesting and less dystopian than the chaotic nightmare world of Discord.
8277948 I'm going to be one those people who are not going to be shame into explaining themselves on story comment one word long. Not saying your shamming me. Shamming? Shame me me? Look I just when I read this. Just out of don't need to here m problems so i just shut about it
...
8277941
I don't even know what that meme means? Who's is that guy? He is kinda... never mind.
...
Oh fuck I just wrote lots of words. Damn it. Ugh.
Let's copy paste time: Meh, informal, Expressing a lack of interest or enthusiasm. from the Oxford dictionaries that online one.
" I found Lost in the Static story about Sunnet Glimmer's stuck in Doscord land, meh. What ahppen to Twilghit? I miss Ms Sparlke!"
...
Fuck! You tricked me into explaining myself! Curse you sexy Seventh Heaven (who's named after charming TV show. What? I liked it. I'll drasg my cripple ass out and fight for my right to enjoy that family (I'm having some problems spelling freindly) friendly (spell check!) show), now going to have to read all your stories, probly like 'em, the betters one I'll
saywrite "neat" and mostly likely I'll find one to fav' because lets face it I don't find any problems with your writing style just the sitution of this one story, and let's be honest ONESHOTS are not easy to write!Oh yes, congrats on your marriage to come. Seriously. If you weren't a man yet, you are or will be. Good. Just assuming you're a dude. If you're not, UFCK those hypcrities. Your buying a home and rising kids and paying taxes... just like anyone else in a normal contract. You. Are. Normal. This is the foundation societies that are built on. God bless you. If you're into god... just bare with me on this.
Where was I? Fuck I don't. Meg? I haven't watch family guy in a while so I just assume we are talking about meg.
No. No. nope. I know life is tough but you got this. You'll be fine, my blood presure will rise back up, and you'll make her happy. Not literally. Your just there to help. I'm really bad at giving aut advice.
You're going to fail and that's okay. 999.999999999999999999 percent of the time it's not game over and you;re oging to learn ouch from it. Sorry for the long congrats on the marrige (I think you're getting married my mind little fuzzy on details) and wasting space on your never mind.
Congratulations on your marriage.
8278302
At least I'm not crazy. I thought I was the only one confused by that comment.
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8278224
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8278224
Edited by Vengeful Spirit.
8278341 Awkward. I'm sorry.
Would you believe if said I wasn't trolling or drinking or on legal or illegal drugs (except metoprolol, which is legal and prescribed to me. Wasn't the metoprolol. Only 12 1/2 mg a day.) when wrote that uhm... look not sure what that was. Look just assume I'm an asshole because that's what an asshole would write and I'll just leave you alone and just shut up forever. I'm sorry and I'll get some person here to ban me because that help me learn I guess.
This felt more tragic than dark, but it was an enjoyable read nonetheless. I don't read very many Dark stories myself, but Dark wasn't, on the whole, the vibe I was getting.
I feel like this story is incomplete, like it needed to go somewhere else: like, Starlight is clearly sad about this, and it's not ideal, but it's not really "dark", or even that scary: it's just a Discord Wins scenario... He's not that scary, as far as villains go...
8278799 And so DIscord, because chaos, started eating the ponies alive through the power of vore, and it was creepy and horrifying fetish fuel. The end!
That better?
8279230
No, because while it deals with the "so what?" issue, neither the show nor the fic make that believable. :P
I guess what I'm saying is this feels like 3 quarters of a story, and is missing too much of a resolution to really hit home for me...
So, I take it this is a universe where Starlight needed the scroll to move through timelines instead of Twilight? Because in the show itself, Starlight had rigged things so she'd automatically appear in the past whenever Twilight jumped back there, a little before the princess so she'd never have a chance to defeat her in time.
8279252 Oh I know what you mean. This felt like one chapter taken from the middle of a story. I just had to throw out a troll ending. Because trololo.
This dark fic seems a little mild. Yea, it's sad, but that's about it.
It's really good for a first dark fic though, just take in the feedback and improve.
So... did Twilight accidentally activate the spell on just herself or something?
Please, please, pleeease make a sequel! I was just getting excited when the story ended abruptly! Other than that, good job on this!
Not bad. Though I'd prefer that it went on longer, and deeper than it actually does, it makes me think a bit of Ellison's "I have no mouth and I must scream".
Have an upvote.
Considering all the OTHER messed up timelines she really likes lucked out by landing in Discord’s world. Besides, is chaos REALLY that bad? Certainly not worse then a world of absolute order.
Anyway, decent enough story but nothing spectacular. Felt like the story was only beginning when it stopped. 6 outta 10 would chaos again!
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That’s no escape
Hmm, I dunno. This felt a bit off to me:
Why would Discord care about right and wrong? He never did, before.
Honestly, that line made me wonder if Twilight hadn't simply managed to get Discord involved voluntarily somehow, to teach Starlight a lesson...