If We Were Queens

Shigo96

Shigo96 #1 · Jul 21st, 2015 · 2 · ·

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D'aaaaaw so cute

Bookish Delight

Bookish Delight #2 · Jul 21st, 2015 · 4 · ·

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Upvoted for cuteness. Rarely do I get to see a Dazzlings story that makes me smile on purpose.

The only thing I would suggest is a bit more subtlety. This here prose is constantly batting me over the head with mallets labeled "The Worst" and "She May Be An X But She's My X." Even if you're going for a character arc, go ahead and replace some of that Rainbow Rocks/Early RR Fanart stuff we've heard a million times with more of your Aria (and your Sonata)--how you want her to be. Things like Sonata and Aria's movie scene, and Aria's change in demeanor near the end, were good examples. They felt fresh and I liked 'em.

(I promise I'm done editing this message now.)

Lucky Seven

Lucky Seven #3 · Jul 21st, 2015 · · ·

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6227536 I didn't check it until the editing was done, so it's fine lol

Anyways, thanks for the critique! It definitely shed some light on something I need to get better at. I often say that when writing fanfiction, you should make the characters your own up to a certain extent, but it's a lot harder when you're actually writing it. Perhaps I'll go through and make some changes, much like how you made some changes to your comment :P

EDIT: I've removed and replaced a few instances of "the worst" with other things I personally think Aria would say.

The Accursed One

The Accursed One #4 · Jul 21st, 2015 · · ·

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Just like What's a "Waifu"?, this story was great. Glad you're back to writing, Seven

Definitely deserves the upvote and fav.

Midnight_Streak

Midnight_Streak #5 · Jul 21st, 2015 · 1 · ·

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Happy to see some great stories comming from you again. I personally think you do fantastic with one chapter stories (considering "Every Thorn Has Its Rose" is one of my favorite stories probably on the entire site) definitely hype for a sequel to this!

SkycatcherEQ

SkycatcherEQ #6 · Jul 21st, 2015 · 1 · ·

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6227536
I can agree with this. And (as usual) stated more eloquently that I could have. ;)
Short and sweet. (Fast, but that was the intent it seems.)

The time lapses between the scene breaks was sort of a fresh take as well and allowed the fast pace to work more naturally, imo.

Lucky Seven

Lucky Seven #7 · Jul 21st, 2015 · · ·

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6228338 Glad to hear that my decision to go with time lapses paid off in the end. I was honestly a little hesitant to do it when I was starting, but it allowed me to write the scenes I really wanted to without much of a loss of pacing.

Also happy to hear that you enjoyed the story, and I hope you enjoy the sequel when it comes out!

MissytheAngle

MissytheAngle #8 · Jul 21st, 2015 · 1 · ·

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Why is it that I thought of this when they kept saying "You're the worst"??

i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/915/479/1d4.gif

hehehehehi'msorry

Good job, stupid.

Candle_Jack

Candle_Jack #9 · Jul 21st, 2015 · · ·

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Very cute sir, and well done as always.

While I do think more time could be devoted to the blooming of the relationship, it wasn't too fast and it was well paced, so good job on
that my friend. Other than that, I don't really have much to say, there weren't a errors as far as I could tell. Great job!

Twinight

Twinight #10 · Jul 21st, 2015 · · ·

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"War.death.description"
LoL that made me laugh so hardXD

dragonjek

dragonjek #11 · Jul 21st, 2015 · · ·

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Sonata had to giggle at that, and Aria rolled her eyes. “Look, I’m sorry I called you the ‘R’ word, I was just really frustrated…”

?

Lucky Seven

Lucky Seven #12 · Jul 21st, 2015 · · ·

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6229663 "Retard"

dragonjek

dragonjek #13 · Jul 21st, 2015 · · ·

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6229673 Ah. I thought I was missing something in-story, my bad.

Lucky Seven

Lucky Seven #14 · Jul 21st, 2015 · · ·

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6229685 Nah, my main intention was for people to come up with their own word for that, but "Retard" is the fall back because it sounds to me like something that may make Sonata cry.

JustAnotherTimeLord

JustAnotherTimeLord #15 · Jul 22nd, 2015 · · ·

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I think placing a whole bunch of snippets together worked well with showing the development of their relationship and the hatching of a new Aria (or you can get fancy and call it her character climax or something) was a pretty good idea, but I felt this story needed a little more detail and time spent between scenes. Not all of them, mind you, hut some scenes just didn't feel like they had enough power to them to really kick in the idea of these two becoming "besties."

If I were to point at specific scenes, the dinner scene and Taco Shack scene just didn't feel right. They certainly tried to stand out, like the dinner scene declaring that she didn't find hanging out with Sonata to bad, and also starting the trend of Aria saying something about Sonata was "the best," but it seemed so . . . trivial. The situations didn't seem to warrant a major relational epiphany, and yet they someone carried some unknown and greater importance. That may be a connection I'm personally not bridging, but I stand firm in saying that they didn't do it for me.

And unfortunately, that made the concluding scene not feel right either. It was a very cute story that had me smiling, but I have qualms with how you developed the story. Otherwise, it could have been a very fulfilling and enjoyable read.

seventeen

seventeen #16 · Jul 23rd, 2015 · 1 · ·

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I also like the breaks between! It suggests that time passes so we don't have to watch this all happen in one long sitting; further, ~~as you know~~ it allows us to fill in blanks (even with nothing, since that could've been their every interaction that was documented) but blanks can be revisited in the sequel you're thinking of!
Adagio's brief but consistent presence is nice too (it's sad in fics where they split apart) since she's funny and not too mean
short, simple, sweet... it's magical

The Nameless Pony

The Nameless Pony #17 · Jul 25th, 2015 · · ·

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The opening was really good and hooked me in straight away. And even though it was a short story I really liked the way their relationship built up. And like seventeen said, the gaps in time work well and support this building of their relationship. Great!

Plain Hunter