Another one! Seriously?!
Hello fillies and gents! It is I! Discord! Your friendly neighborhood narrator and chaos bringer. You might be wondering why I'm here, yes? Well the answer to that is rather simple, I'm bored... I literally have nothing else to do that is even remotely entertaining! I would make my own fun but then I'd be breaking a promise that I made with Fluttershy, "No causing chaos at others expense." Bluh!
So I'm going to narrate this random story I picked out of the literal bottomless hole of stories that linger in the multiverse and limitless expenses of the cosmos, t'least it's going to better than '50 shades' or 'Twilight'... I hope
Anyway, enough delays! Let's get to reading shall we?
The eastern region of Equestria is in disarray. Ponies flee from their homes in Fillydelphia and Baltimare towards the safer part of Equestria, Canterlot city. What are they running from? The new villain of course! The most vile and cruel villain that Equestria hasn't seen the likes of in centuries... or 18 days, I don't really know anymore. It's hard to keep track of these things.
Anyways, the infamous villain is known by many names! ’The monster of Equestria', 'Who?', 'That Plot-hole' and 'C'mom! Another one! Seriously?!'
But he only goes by one name, the name that was given to him at birth, the name that all of Equis will know!
'Richard!'
...
That's it.
What? Expecting a fancy, menacing title that strikes fear to the hearts of all who hear it? Nah, just Richard. Richard the goat! He can explode things every time he talks.
(Somewhere in Manehatten)
"Oh hey, look honey, a goat." Said a unicorn stallion.
"Oh, that it is. Wonder what he's doing here?" Questioned a pegasus mare.
"Baaaaaa."
*BOOM*
"OH GOD!!! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!"
"Baaaaa."
*BOOM*
(Back to the Narrator)
Yea...
Well, I can cross off Manehattan from the list now too.
Anyway, After Richards escape from Tartarus, --he got bored so he sweet talked his way out, by that I mean he blew up his cell and walked out-- , the heroes of Equestria were called in to Canterlot to deal with the situation as seen fit. But first, Celestia has to give some background information about Richard while he's ruining ponies livelihoods.
Cause rather than fixing the problem herself she sends others to do it... and in order for them to do it they need to have story time, so more time is wasted...
Keep up the good work Celly!
(Canterlot Castle, Throne Room)
The doors to the throne room were thrown open. Twilight Sparkle strode in, soon followed by her 5 closest, and currently nervous, friends. The pair of guards who were supposed to be guarding the throne room doors didn't even twitch or make a sound due to the fear of drawing the attention of the currently angry Princess of Friendship. The only sound in the throne room was that of muffled hooves hitting carpet and an oblivious noble complaining to Princess Celestia about not having enough funds to commence his 'I'm better than you' project or something similar. Said noble stopped mid sentence when he was coated in a purple magic aura and lifted off the floor. Before he managed to question, or more accurately whine, he was thrown out the nearest open window. The scream that followed was cut short by the sound of splashing water and a muffled "I'm okay" from s pool sized fountain 3 stories below.
Everypony in the room looked horrified at the window, their gaze slowly shifting to the purple alicorn responsible for the act. This time, there was absolute silence, one can almost hear the heart beats of everypony in the room; including Pinkie Pie's crazy hummingbird like heart that beats so fast it could be mistaken for a plane engine.
Celestia blinked a few times before putting on her calm and collective mask, she opened her mouth to get an explanation for the unwarranted but very appreciated assault.
"Sixth." Twilight spoke first, Celestia shut her mouth with a click. Her expression changing to that of puzzlement.
"Wha-?" She tried again.
"This is the Sixth time this happened. The sixth time an ancient evil from over a thousand years ago reappeared. Right?"
"Uhh..." This was so unlike Twilight that it made Celestia's unbreakable mask crack just a little "...Yes?"
Twilight huffed in agitation, her five friends standing by the throne rooms entrance. They stood so still that it would give the statues in the garden a run for their money while watching the ordeal in silence. Even the guards were standing extra stiff (get your mind out of the gutter!).
"Nightmare Moon, Discord, Chrysalis, Sombra and Tirek. Five ancient evils that you discreetly avoided to inform any of us until the last minute. Evils that have caused damage and injuries of unknown proportion. Damaged and injuries that could have been avoided if we or even you would have taken action before hoof."
Celestia was trying to not sweat under the claims that have been presented to her. Only a few beings knew how to make her this uncomfortable and now she can add Twilight to that short list.
"Uhhh... *Ahem* Twilight, I know you have a few concerns you wish to discuss with me but this is not the time to do so. There is a threat in our lands that, as you stated, could cause 'damage and injuries of unknown proportions'. So it has to be dealt with immediately-" Twilight raised her hoof and Celestia stopped talking, she huffed very un-princessly like before looking at her very angry ex-student.
"So you brought us here so you can lecture us on how important it is to stop him? When even you yourself knew how dangerous he was 1,000 years ago but completely ignored any regards or possibilities of him escaping? Just save it. All I want to know is where he is so we can stop this now.”
(Meen while, at Canterlot front gates)
Two of Celestias best guards stood ever vigilant for oncoming threats to Canterlot city. Certainly they would not be sleeping the day away. No siree they wouldn’t, for they know how important their job is so they’d surely be AWAKE!
“Huh! What?!” One of the guards said, startled from their vigilant nap by an unknown sound. Rubbing the not-sleep from his eyes, he noticed a figure walking slowly to them from afar.
Eyes growing wide, he looked at his closed-eyes-yet-watchful partner with hypocritical annoyance. Levitating a rock from the road and hurtling it toward the “awake” guard. The pebble struck true and rang his helmet like a bell, startling him from his trance. The first guard was met with a glare until he pointed to the now closer figure.
The two of them scrambled for the spears and fixed their gear before returning to their statue-esc stance. This was what they were waiting for, a pony taking a less convenient ways of travel unlike a train, zeppelin, chariot, teleportation, flying or literally anything other then walking up the side of a mountain.
The figure was now less than 100 feet away and getting closer. The guards already knowing what to do due to having it drilled into their heads for years. The figure was now before them and they began,
“Halt! State your-“
“Baaaaaa”
*BOOM*
(Back in the Throne Room)
"... And you don't even know where he is!" Yelled Twilight at her once beloved but surprisingly incompetent princess counterpart.
"Twilight, please calm down, I send a platoon of guards to every of the major and minor city to locate him as soon as possible." Celestia said in the hopes to get some control over the situation but accidentally stoking the flames of Twilights anger some more.
"Are you kidding me?! You send out groups of guards! Not even soldiers or ponies who are specialized in intense situations, but ponies who have for the most part stood in one place for hours unend. That is a form of discipline, not combat prowess!" Twilight all but shouted, the build up of all her stress and anger is coming out at this very moment. "You always talk about protecting 'your little ponies' and yet you send them out on suicide missions?! This is unbelievable." She started to pace around back and forth, muttering about how she hasn't noticed all of this before.
The two guards at the entrance wanted to give their two bits on why the guards are not as incompetent as they are made out to be but wisely kept their mouths shut in case the princess choose to put them under her rage radar.
Before Twilight could continue her justified rant, an explosion could be heard somewhere within the castle that was soon followed by screams of fillies. No one saw that the screams were coming from a pair fully grown adult nobles and guards but all of the ponies present already knew that.
"He's in the castle! How could this be? I should have been informed of his presence when he reached the cities walls!" Celestia said, placing her hoof to her temple and staring down at the ground in concentration. The reason why she looked away though was to avoid the glare her once beloved but now feared student was obviously sending her. She could feel it boring down at her, and it burned.
"Alright my little ponies." Celestia started, looking back up towards the throne room entrance with dread and determination. "In order to defeat this villain you will have to-"
"No" Twilight interrupted, looking towards the entrance as well.
"Twilight, I know you angry with me but-"
"No. Not this time. This time we do it my way." She interrupts again, determination coursing through her veins. She waited for the evil villian that has terrorized most of the eastern side of Equestria with bated breath. She wasn't going to play games or be nice this time, she was going to stop this imposing evil as swiftly as possible.
Then, she saw it, turning around the corner was the villain of (half) her ire.
An average billy goat about two-thirds her size.
Twilight sagged from this, hard. Her shoulders dropped and her wing tips touched the floor from the absolute ridiculousness of what's before her. The terror that has had the entire country on edge, was a magical billy goat. Her mane even started to frizzle up at the ends. All the anger, the determination and most of her energy was extinguished, leaving her simple tired and annoyed. Oh, so annoyed!
The goat stopped with in the doorway of the throne room. The guards that were standing on either side didn't know what to do. They wanted to fight the goat and defend their nation but at the same time didn't want to become a smear on the ground from either the goat or an angry princess who doesn't want their help. So they simply do what they do best. Stand completely still.
Richard looked around the throne room, eyeing everyone there until his eyes landed on a still sitting Celestia. His eyes narrowed, not paying attention to Twilight Sparkle as she discreetly casted a spell that helped her get a read on her opponent. What she discovered would have resulted in Twilight facehoofing with all her might, which would have crushed the skull of a normal pony, if she wasn't so done with everything.
The villain Richard opened his mouth to speak the words of violence, but was stopped when a purple hoof was raised before him. He slowly closed his mouth and curiously stared at the Princes of Friendship as she was looking at him with a tired look in her eyes.
"Let me guess." She started, lowering her hoof back to the ground. "You were cursed by some supernatural means and can no longer speak without blowing things up. Due to this you started asking others for help but accidentally started to cause mayhem. Then, the princesses arrived. In your panic, you tried to explain your situation but ended up attacking them cause you haven't realized what was happening yet. When you did, it was already too late and you ended up in tartarus. The magic in tartarus kept you from aging and you stayed silent fearing that talking could cause you to be in more trouble than you already are in. But after a thousand years you gave up on someone to help you and just left to seek out help yourself." Twilight took a deep breath to calm her already frazzled nerves. When she looked back at Richard he was staring back with wide eyes. "Am I right?"
The mighty villain of old that has caused destruction throughout most of east side Equestria just nodded dumbfoundedly.
With out another word, or even a twitch for that matter, Twilight horn lit up with magic. Along with her horn, the evil goat Richard's throat also glowed with the same purple magic. Before anyone could even react, the spell ended. Richard stepped back from surprise and spoke.
"What the-?!"
Everypony in the room, including the guards, jumped away from the goat as he spoke. Even Celestia herself, selfishly, summoned a shield over only herself. The only pony who didn't react to his words was a very annoyed and tired Twilight Sparkle. Who didn't even seemed like she cared that he, finally normal, spoke.
Richard was beyond surprised when he heard his own voice for the first time in a millennia. Everyone else was surprised that no one was blown into gory chunks, Twilight still didn’t care.
"I... I can talk again. I can talk!" Richard said in a hush and super attractive tone of voice that would have been fitting of a high end celebrity stallion. It was so attractive in fact that Rarity's cheeks grew a shade of red. "You... you healed me." He said while slowly approaching the still ticking time bomb known as Twilight Sparkle. "How can I ever-"
"Stop." Twilight finally spoke. "Just. Stop." She sighed, pointing a hoof back towards the way he came. "Go. Leave and don't come back."
"But-"
"Goooooo!" Twilight yelled, her frustrations finally getting the better of her.
"Alright! Alright, I'm leaving." He says with a bit of fear in his voice, turning around and walking away but before that he looked back with a smile and said, "Thank you." She groaned in response.
As the now former villain walked away with a happy smile on his face and a skip in his step, Twilight looked back towards Celestia. The ruler of the highly incompetent nation was staring wide eyed and open mawed as the 'evil' goat left the throne room. Twilight coughed into her hoof and caught Celestia's attention.
"I'm gonna start charging you for this."
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Nicely pulled off.
Just the right amount of everything, and having Discord narrate added a little something.
9713352
Thanks, I wasn’t sure if that was going too far of the rail and would make people not want to continue past that scene but I’m glad some people enjoyed it.
Not going to lie, I was expecting a lot more profanity since the tag was there. All and all, this was a pleasant read.
A bit of pissed off twilight, a bit of picking on the whole great villain from 1000 years ago thing, and just the right amount of shenanigans.
One more reason to don't piss off Twilight. She's scary when she's mad!
I know it was kinda meant to be played for comedic purposes, but I've just never been a fan of the "Twilight gets stripped off all but the most barebone aspects of her personality so the author can use her as a mouthpiece to rant about things they don't like" subgenre. Even when it's meant to be somewhat satirical.
That's more on me than it is on you. Sorry.
Considering this;
I'm honestly not sure why he wasn't named "Tim"
9714535
Damn. A missed opportunity.
This is the funniest story I have read in a long time.
Twi should make sure the payment is delivered in cake. Lots of uneaten cake. After all if you want to make them learn, hit where it hurts. :P
This..is an instant favorite.
Ooh, I know where this is going!
I did not, in fact, know where this was going.
Unless this was on purpose, it’s supposed to be spelled meanwhile.
That’s all, amazing story.
9715175 My first thoughts as well, I LIKE this Richard
And this doesn’t even count the “villains” thrown into other worlds via portals!
I mean, to be precise, only Nightmare Moon and King Sombra were "1000 years ago". Everyone else was from further back.
There is more than a shred of truth in this. Celestia is amazing at running a peacetime country, doing administration and politics, but she's basically to crisis management what King Herod was to childcare.
You’d think Celestia would have learned by Season 6
9715175
LOL Richard from lfg.
Lol the title saids it all.
Great job
I love this, usually I don't read fics like this but the title definitely made me do it
9714548
No, the true missed opportunity is not naming him Kevin. Also, not involving Keno in the back story.
This is a very good one-shot.
9716944
Nope. Tim is better.
Excellent! I try to convey a similar message in my stories but, well... a bit differently. In any case, this is what I needed, thank you!
9718689
I’m glad you enjoyed reading my story as much as I enjoy reading yours. Thank you
This is brilliant. Its deeply satisfying reading about Twilight putting Celestia in her place. Nice work.
Surprised she bothered to waste the other 5s times.
"But he only goes by one name, the name that was given to him at birth, the name that all of Equis will know!
'Richard!'"
Dude... what the heck?! Of all the names you could've picked it had to be my actual name. Just take your like, and your Celestiadamned mustache.
"Millennium." Millenia is plural, millennium is singular.
I love the fact I can hear this in a fatigued, demeaning, matter-of-fact tone.
LOL
This was the best! I don't know why, but I always enjoy moments where characters call each other out on their buffalo brownies (Anyone who's read Parting Words will get it
).
Also, Richard seems like a very nice guy. Wish we could see more of him.
Anyway, sorry for the late comment, but thanks for the laughs.
Nope
The situation is resolved and Twilight had calmed down, so you can tell her (and us) now without fearing getting blasted.
Good story!
I enjoyed reading it.
(But from what I understand Celestia did not know about Chrysalis, so it is one villain less she didn't tell Twilight about. Or did I miss something?)
Eh, I immediately became curious as to what Twilight was going to do in this story and I loved her final reaction, telling Richard to leave. I don't really like reading stories where writers beat on Princess Celestia, but I caught the overall message and I'm cool with it. I like this :)
9727971
You're right about Chrysalis, all Celestia knew was that a threat had been issued, she didn't know who was planning the attack prior to it, just be on high alert so everypony was going in blind there. She did deal with Chrysalis 1000 years ago but she trapped her in volcano. A Dragon let her out.
The ending just made me laugh!
9842974
a common Theory is, that the threat, celestia was worrying About during the wedding, was tirek. If Chrysalis knew About his Escape, she could have sent the threat in his Name, so while celestia is Looking out for the big red demon-centaur, she wouldnt have time to think About cadances weird behaviour.
Twilight should just usurp Celestia already.
*CLAP CLAP CLAP*
This right here is brilliant. It's funny how we're supposed to ignore this issue. Princess Celestia is either incompetent, the true villain of the series or a massive troll. You decide!
10346487
That would make sense given Cerberus left his post and Tirek had been on the loose ever since.
10346690
I personally prefer a lovely combination of all three
This story is EXACTLY the kind of hilarious random schist that I am here for
10363412
Glad you enjoyed it
Lmaooo this fic was hilarious! Loved it!
After so long, we finally reached the 400 likes mark! Thanks to all who liked (even though you probably will never see this) and getting us this far. Seriously, thank you
I bet Celestia was about to tell them to get the Elements.
This is some glorious stuff
This was hilarious, it's also funny how Twilight predicted everything the goat was trying to do because, well, it's basically been an ongoing pattern for each villain, most of them having friendship problems.