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Okay, baby gloves are off. Time for blunt criticism.
Just based on this first chapter, I can see plenty wrong here. It's really over-the-top with the angstiness and melodrama. You even called it angst in the text! While such emotion can be used, it requires context to do so. We need to already know these characters and this story's interpretation of them; with this as our intro, everyone just comes across as dimwitted, one-dimensional, and whiny. First impressions are important; character introduction isn't something you can hold off on for later.
Is this supposed to be a sequel to something? If not, then leading off with this chapter was probably a bad idea.
I'm not here for clop; I'm here for story, which is something I don't see here.
Gloves back on, now. On the bright side, the spelling and grammar are looking good. Things flow quite well. Although my one complaint was a big deal-breaker for me, it was still the only one I have.
8111804 Well, thank you for your criticism, and honestly I didn't think about it the intro very much. I just posted them in the order they were written. I've decided to start to correct that problem. And that's something I really enjoy, blunt criticism is always nice for me, better than just... compliments. It honestly does help me out a lot.
8111804
Thanks!
Be here for clop, too, though. We like that.
Maybe too much...
Either way, criticism is appreciated.
Great start and great story.
8112702 :P Maaaybee it's all a lie, and there is no sex. :P
Loving this story so far. I cannot wait for more.
Decent start except for 2 things. 18 inches just seems way too big, even for a sex demon and the stor feels like it might start a little better if instead Celestia accused Theo of turning Luna into Nightmare Moon (even unintentionally) and attacked him, driving him away. Might be unrealistic given their relationship before hand, but you can understand how females can/will easily judge things based on their emotions at the time rather then keeping a level head in the situation.
8115446
As for the second, Celestia doesn't need to- Theo is already doing that.
As for the first... well, you can't change us, sorry!
good job
Am I the only one that googled inverted nipple just to see what the bloody hell it looked like?
can you do somnophilia chapter with both luna and celestia knocked out
8253396
It might be a possibility down the line. So far we haven't planned too much more out. We've been taking it a chapter at a time.
8131937
You're not alone...
Before I read this, what is the Gore, and Dark tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?
8370024
As of now, the gore tag is there just in case. The Dark tag is soley for their for themes of depression, and any other 'dark' topics that may come up. For the currently released chapters, and most future chapters they have no bearing.
8370174
please update
What? What just happend? First it started all lovey dovey (and admittingly a bit cliché) at the first chapter only for a sudden timeskip to occur and then, close to the end celestia collapses.....
EUHH!?
Too... Much... Info...
I need more TISSUE!!
Celestia: you can fuck my sister
Theo: yey :D thnx!
Boi! The reaction to what she said though.
Hello all you dirty minded reader's scrolling through the comment's!.
Have you found you're fetish yet in this chapter you cad's?.
is this dead
8423860
No, my co-author has had some personal issues recently. We'll pick it back up when everything returns to somewhat normal for both of us.
8424418
hope it goes well for you man
8424418
can you finish it please
8488162
We're both incredibly busy. It's more than likely it won't be finished any time soon. And I have no idea when we'll get to the next chapter.
This is definitely going in my divinity list. I'm pretty sure I only have like 30 stories there where my total library is about 700 or so books and stories. When do you think you will be able to update this?
8500433
It depends on when my co-author and I are able to write. We have one later chapter done, but the one preceding it needs finished before we can post it. There's been a lot going on in both our lives. I can't guarantee it'll be soon, I can only hope.
Lol, a rather wide array of fetishes. Nice.
8601222
Yeah, this and another of my stories Blinded are basically fetish fuel. If you want something written out, Blinded is a great one to shoot a request. I've picked it back up again. Or go ahead and shoot me a PM with a request and I'll probably just write it out.
8602250
no word on update
I really hope you can get back to this story
Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please don't stop writing this story. I like so much of it and I am really looking forward to seeing the don't and sub moments with Luna and Celestia. As well as Theodore's reaction to the collar.
And if you want to add a little confrontation to the story a chapter with Twilight would be perfect.
If you are interested I can send some ideas through the pm so that it could be a surprise for anyone reading it.
8842174
It's not abandoned don't worry. Just either gonna put out a few chapter without my coauthor or gonna wait for him. We're both busy with college and work. This story is far, far from being cancelled.
8842174
Also go ahead and pm me any ideas. We're both open to suggestions. Though as for Twilight finding out... it's already written out actually
Awesome two new chapters
8861673
Yep! Chapter 11 was actually complete, it's just 10 needed to be finished up before hand.
Can't wait for the next chapter
Whelp this is gonna be interesting
And of course twighlight overreacts
8861896
. For one thing, he's an exception not a rule to dealing with demons. Even Theo told Cadence that it would be best not to trust any demon they met in general. It took years of constant work on Celestia's part just to get him from the point of trying to drag her soul into the abyss. Secondly, Celestia handled this introduction pretty poorly. She knows that Twilight has been in near constant battle with ancient evils and shape shifters and an incubus happens to match descriptions with a lot of those evils. Worse, she never even took the time to warn Twilight of her past with him. Twilight first learned of this through a newspaper that basically read Previously unknown Demon specializing in mind control and seduction announced to marry both Princesses! Princesses say they're doing it 'because reasons' 
.
Well, to be fair, it wouldn't really be overreacting in this case
I'm pretty sure most people would assume the worst from this
8862890
That is true
8862890
It was over a televised press conference. And well... Twilight may be a bit off, thinking that they're immune to mind control... in truth they're highly resistant to it. :P And Theo may (definitely) be inept with mental magics. Why waste time in something that can be undone, eh?
He may not be intelligent when it comes to acting on emotions but he is practical... and if they love him, and did so in the past, why worry about controlling them? At least beyond a bit of role play. :P. I got a chapter from their past actually on the works. It'll be a bit more detailed with his limits and magic.
8863203
Well, we know all of that, the princesses know that, and you, the author, knows that....but Twilight doesn't. That's the source of the problem that's likely to come up for them. All she has is basic lore which states that incubi, in general, are good with mental manipulation and Celestia never bothered to tell Twilight about Theo before releasing this potentially suspicious and worrying broadcast.
Also, yeah, looked back and noticed I missed she saw a broadcast
. Point still stands though that Celestia picked a really bad way to let her student, basically a mage trained to fight ancient evils, know about developments.
8863350
Oh yeah. It was purposeful on our part, besides, would she really trust any way they told her? He's a demon regardless. :P
8863379
.
True, true. Might even believe Celestia thought of that and thought this would make for a funny memory down the line
8863398
Teaser: (I couldn't help myself)
Celestia couldn’t help but giggle. Twilight, just like usual, was overreacting. It was pretty cute to watch, but… whenever she got this antsy it usually ended up pretty badly. “Oh my… let’s hope Luna and I can talk some sense into her before anything bad happens.” She sighed.
8863411
God dammit no spoilers that are Ned blacked out
8864018
Sorry posted from my phone.
8864157
its fine mate
8864854
And as a heads up actual work might start back up on this story soon. Just stay tuned and I'll inform people as to what's going to happen.
can you do somnophilia chapter with both luna and celestia knocked out