How long had it been? A thousand maybe a thousand and some odd years? I hurt them both... so, so much. They won't want me back. I don't deserve to be back in their lives. But... I owe to them to try. I owe it to her... to make it all up.
Okay, baby gloves are off. Time for blunt criticism.
Just based on this first chapter, I can see plenty wrong here. It's really over-the-top with the angstiness and melodrama. You even called it angst in the text! While such emotion can be used, it requires context to do so. We need to already know these characters and this story's interpretation of them; with this as our intro, everyone just comes across as dimwitted, one-dimensional, and whiny. First impressions are important; character introduction isn't something you can hold off on for later.
Is this supposed to be a sequel to something? If not, then leading off with this chapter was probably a bad idea.
I'm not here for clop; I'm here for story, which is something I don't see here.
Gloves back on, now. On the bright side, the spelling and grammar are looking good. Things flow quite well. Although my one complaint was a big deal-breaker for me, it was still the only one I have.
Okay, baby gloves are off. Time for blunt criticism.
Just based on this first chapter, I can see plenty wrong here. It's really over-the-top with the angstiness and melodrama. You even called it angst in the text! While such emotion can be used, it requires context to do so. We need to already know these characters and this story's interpretation of them; with this as our intro, everyone just comes across as dimwitted, one-dimensional, and whiny. First impressions are important; character introduction isn't something you can hold off on for later.
Is this supposed to be a sequel to something? If not, then leading off with this chapter was probably a bad idea.
I'm not here for clop; I'm here for story, which is something I don't see here.
Gloves back on, now. On the bright side, the spelling and grammar are looking good. Things flow quite well. Although my one complaint was a big deal-breaker for me, it was still the only one I have.
What? What just happend? First it started all lovey dovey (and admittingly a bit cliché) at the first chapter only for a sudden timeskip to occur and then, close to the end celestia collapses.....
EUHH!?