• Member Since 19th Feb, 2014
  • offline last seen Monday

spotty8ee


T

In the civilized world of monsters, Twilight is a teenage human who never really worries about things outside of school and personal projects. In fact, inside her gated community she's never even met any monsters.

One day when Twilight finds a vampire out on her front lawn, slowly burning alive, Twilight manages takes them inside, saving their life and giving Twilight her first real friend. However past experiences with friendship has left Twilight nervous in this prospect.

Is friendship really not so scary? Even if your new friends are monsters?

Due to interest, I am continuing the story! Status changed to incomplete.

Inspired partially by the Monster High idea and by The Albinocorn's story Sunlight, which I highly recommend!

Warnings- Slight Gore, not enough that would warrant serious warning, but I rated Teen just in case.

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 239 )

now this is a story, 1 of a kind and really good of a story. I would love to see a ch2 or another story thant pick up on this story.
I really like this story I would love to read more of this kind of story.

top3 fav monster story

Cool story! Vampire Sunset is best monster. :pinkiehappy:

It does work as a one shot. But I'd love to see more of this world, and your writing style is really nice.

Thanks for sharing this. :twilightsmile:

7815249
Thank you kindly!

Please expand this I want to see more I'm curious to what's sunset's life story and the lore of this world also why is there a princess celestia tag and where is shining aumor

Needs to be a series, this is an excellent concept and I want more.

EDIT: For that reason, Following you and this story.

Overall it was a very nice story. While it does work as a one shot, though I would strongly argue that this should be a series, especially with all the loose ends and potential world building (maybe start up a group and have a collaborate universe?). It also really helps that I just plain want to see more of this Twilight and Sunset, especially with characters that haven't met (Twilight meeting Sunset's friends, Sunset meeting Twilight's family, Celestia and Twilight Velvet meeting, especially after Twilight and Sunset have been friends for awhile). Anyways, time for a mini review.

Positives
+Both Twilight and Sunset were very well done. Each of them feels like the character from the movies (at least after the first one) put into this world. They have distinct, consistent personalities, with little quirks thrown in as well. A personal favorite moment for me was Sunset's reaction when Twilight asked what hurts.
+Spectacular world building for a one shot. Got a clear picture of the world, and it left me wanting more, but never questioning what happened in the story itself. A personal favorite was the books and internet details.
+It's also very well paced. No scene drags, none of it feels rushed, and there are no painfully long exposition dumps anywhere.
+Supporting cast: Rainbow Dash and the mentions of Twilight's grandma were neat, Applejack, Luna, and Carrion were really good, and Celestia was spectacular.
+The humor was also well executed and helped lighten up some of the darker scenes (you managed to make a teenage girl on fire funny through Twilight's reactions).

Negatives
-Grammar issues. While not too bad (especially by fanfic standards), there are many extra spaces, way too many ellipses (with quite a few having an extra period), and a few cases of spelling errors or incorrect words being used. Plus there were a few capitalization and punctuation errors.
-Twilight's family, excluding her grandma. The tidbit's thrown in about Twilight's grandma did more for the story than the rest of her family combined. Only her mom really served any purpose, and even then, that amounted to basically nothing.
-The gated community. Honestly, they sound incredibly unpleasant for everyone involved and was the weakest part of the world. I feel like you went overboard with making them unlikable to the point where I'm wondering why anyone lives there (there are plenty of bigots who are perfectly fine to those that they aren't prejudice against in real life).

Minor gripes
-The description is weak, and the tags need some work. You have both Celestias, Human and Equestria Girls (redundant, though I guess it makes it easier to search for. This really has nothing to do with Equestria Girls besides having Sci-Twi and Sunset, and that tag implies human), and Random (honestly, Drama and Comedy would both be more appropriate, as the story has nothing random about it).
-A few too many loose ends/setups for no confirmed net chapter/sequel.

Honestly, I'd say the positives far overshadow the negatives. The only part I can see being a deal breaker for someone is the grammar (while there's no pleasing the most anal people, I'd say it's borderline pushing away the next tier, though most of the issue come in more towards the end). Other than that though, the rest of the issues are nitpicks and are very easy to ignore/miss due to how great the Twilight Sunset dynamic and world building are. I'm really hoping for a sequel or more chapters.

So is this going to be a series like the shadowbolt adventures?
I think you'd make quite the mark in the community if you continued on with this. But what are your thoughts?

7906066
I am hoping to write more for this, yes :D Thank you for the comment!

7907159 huh, you hear of the shadowbolt adventure?
Also, you need a pre-reader for this project? Always love a chance to get into something big while it's still small.

7868778 how can I get you to pre-read my everfree northwest entry?

I like it. Still got minor spelling and grammar issues but nothing huge.
Two of them off the top of my head are:
dose --> does
warp --> wrap

I would totally read more of this. Looks like a fun universe and I enjoyed reading it. If you wanted another editor, I volunteer as tribute, provided you can deal with my sarcasm and out-of-place humorous comments all over your story. :pinkiecrazy:

EDIT: Forgot to mention. I was wondering about the "inviting vampires in" thing but then it was immediately answered when she was physically prevented from coming in the door.

Also can (god-tier) Celestia just ignore that rule, or does the garage not count?

Nicely done for your first story. I would enjoy reading more of this universe as well. :twilightsmile:

meant there was little sunlight to be had

Oh there might be quite a bit of SunLight to be had, actually. :ajsmug:

Okay okay maybe not this time but friendshipping is always good too!

More? :pinkiegasp:

YES! :pinkiehappy:

Wonderful world building. Thanks for continuing this. :twilightsmile:

Can't wait for more!

This is brilliant workd building, and the scenes are very well done through and through. Any chance we could get more from this vampire-verse?

ya ^^ it's going to be a new series :)
say, you hear of the shadowbolt adventures or CMC the next generation? I could link ya, would be good inspiration for this project

7918858
I've heard of the shadow bolt series, but not CMC the next generation. Shoot me a link :D

Here's an idea twilight is an witch as well as her family (mom's side)

What is applejack's species

Why dose it say complete

I would love to see this continue, this is a story that just cannot be left hanging.

Huh. I've gotta say, I've been on this site a long time and this has to be one of the most pleasingly "new" stories I've read. I don't think I've ever seen a look at the EQG from this angle before. I'll be keeping an eye on you and eagerly awaiting what's next.
Maybe some SunLight for our vampire? :rainbowlaugh: Get it? Cause yknow...vampires... Ah whatever it was lame anyway :trixieshiftleft:

7950190
Thanks for your kind words, I am planning more stories to come on this.

As much of a Sunlight fan that I am, I'm not too good at romance writing. I don't think I'll write it in this story, but I may do a non cannon if the mood strikes me.

7926408

Your video is very good at explaining he Shadowbolt fanfiction :D I liked it.

7957440
Thanks, maybe I'll consider coving this series.
So when's the next one?

any plans for a sequel? i hope so

Good choice on what the species of the main 7 , except rarity, are rarity could have been a siren or a suckubus

I never imagined pinkie as a werewolf now that I read this it makes sense because of her crazy attude

Flittershy as a fairy well I'd very expect it

Koodos on the simple nods from the show

I still think twilight is a Mage



Also can someone drew a picture of the mane 7

7966544

Thank you :D As for why I didn't use Siren or succubus well, Siren is take by our already favorite three Sirens. Succubus I didn't think of, but it seems like a harsh comparison to Rarity myself, not to say Succubus aren't good people in this world, also I didn't think of it.

As for pictures, I actually have some. I'll be posting them in my blog area later today. I only have AJ and Rainbow though.

These monsters are amazing! :rainbowkiss: Great and creative iterations of the mane 7. I love the way they interact, and how Twilight more than enjoys how different they are.

Your world building doesn't cese to impress. :rainbowderp:

Thanks for the chapter. Can't wait for more. :twilightsmile:

7966550

Maybe have Trixie be one?

I mean, the only one I can think of who would fit is Adagio, but she's already something else, so...

Sure is getting good and interesting. Why can't monster high be like this?... come to think they could have just used a human character like twi as well as an outsider looking in
(Could have sworn I offered to pre-read)

7967878

Trixie is also taken. I was actually leaning toward some one like Octavia, as she seems like she could be a little prude when it comes to romance (Just a head cannon though) which could be a fun ironic twist.

7968080

I think Monster high wanted to play it as safe as they could with the monster theme, and tried to make the toys seem edgy that way. (That or one of the Mattel Toy designers got high and watched 'Scooby Doo and The Ghoul School' ) They also seemed interested in keeping the girls as human/ good looking as they could. (I will never understand the brats eyes.) I, however, have no issues making their more monster-ish, if I can still make them identifiable.

As for the pre-reading, while I do appreciate you offering your time and skills, I already have a few betas/editors. The more of those I have the longer editing takes (They all have their own lives to live and can't edit these in one sitting usually.) and they might start to contradict each other in areas, IE Too many cooks can spoil the broth. However I want to thank you for offering. Its nice to see so many people willing to help or are so interested in my story they want to see me continue! So thank you kindly.

Despite the occasional, albeit rare, error I perceived in spelling, grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure, I found myself rather enjoying the characters you wrote and the interactions between them in this world you're crafting; good work!:twilightsmile:

Love love love it! I can totally see the personalities of the girls in their different species. Pinkie pie as a werewolf with doglike excitement makes me giggle. I am excited for more!

7968323 okay :)
Though I guess that just leaves one thing...
Sunlight, or Timbersparks? ? ? ❤️ <3

I like this! There's a lot of potential to explore the different species and their cultures, and you've adapted it well so far. Then there's the whole humans vs monsters issue that can be explored -- great worldbuilding, basically, there's a lot of potential for depth here.

Looks like you're already planning to continue, but just in case you're still on the fence, I'll add my voice in to those who wanna see more :)

Very enjoyable. I really like the world you've created; it's a fun place to explore, and you've done a good job of setting it up and the MLP characters' places inside it. It'll be interesting to see where you take this, and what the overall plot arc will be.

I really liked how you did the first "Baboon Bites" bit, and how you let the implication hang out there without explicitly stating it, letting the readers do the math for themselves. That was nicely done. That said, I thought the second return to it (at least, so soon after the first) sorta over-belabored it just a little bit. Doing it two times in such quick succession diluted the impact for me a bit. Just how it felt to me, personally. Sometimes less is more, and sometimes it's better to spread things like that out before coming back to use them again so soon.

Anyway, that's just a very minor quibble, though. Overall I'm really enjoying this tale, and I can't wait to see where you take it! Thanks very much for sharing this with us!

This is actually pretty fun. Hoping for more soon. I'm also really wanting a Sunset & Twilight ship for this story it would go well with it and Twilights parents reaction to finding out there daugher is dating a vampire or/and a girl instead of a boy, If you wanted her parents to be like that. Someone also said this also but having Twilight be the first human with magic ( Or not for very long time. Too the point there's no records of it) or be a Vampire wether by accident/purpose or even a necessity . Better yet a Vampire/Mage. Lastly i am hoping Discords in this. He could be just him normal self. Have him be on of the last gods still on the planet and he just woke up from a big sleep. Maybe if you do the mage thing or the Vampire/Mage thing i mention. Have him wake up from a new species such as the mage or waking up from another mage come to life. Or even having the duo be such a big thing he goes to investige it. You could have the duo of only existed once from a god that was slain long ago and said god was reborn as Twilight. You could if you wanted have a romance between Him and Twilight, Make a back story between him and from her previous life. Or go continnue the way its already going it's good as is

Also sorry about that blob of text. I let my imagination do the writing (And sleep deprivation) on what would be interesting to see and how it will end up. I really enjoyed whats here and found nothing wrong with it off the top of my head. Gonna be giving a Favorite and tack. Hope to see more

That was really good chapter I can't wait for more

good start, i so want more, and i can see something happen to twilight at some point and twist happen show twilight is not a human but something else, maybe some long forgotten monster or some kind of monster that when she dies she is reborn again start life fresh then when she reach X age she remember her old lifes....... or she end up being turn into vampire by sunset in order to save her..
anyway good story

Oh my, I didn't expect that I would love this story so quickly. :pinkiehappy: The pacing of this first chapter is superb, characters are likeable, the alternate universe that you've created is well-introduced and intriguing, and the concept is one that I very much enjoy indeed. Very much looking forward to reading more of this! :yay:

I'm really loving the dynamic of twilight interacting with all these new species of people/monsters, it's something I have not seen before.

No mentioned to my written review? :p
In seriousness, glad to see new chapter. Won't get to it till tonight, but look forward to this and more :D

8052573
Heyo! Sorry about that, I didn't remember when I posted, but I have added a shout out now.

What Monster High idea are you talking about?

8052673
Oh XD didn't mean to imply >.<
Anyways, this chapter turned out great :) for what I may have hoped for/was expecting, I enjoyed and like where it could be leading with Twilght and her family.
Though I half expecting Cadence to be a monster, wouldn't that be something with Shinng :p

good story i do kind of hope sometime down the line it end up oh twilight not fully human ie half breed and her monster blood has yet to wake up.
or sunset turn her into vampire so they can be togeather......

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