It has been eight long years since Principal Celestia lost her only child. Eight years of self blame and sadness. When a young woman stumbled into her office, begging to be enrolled she thought that it was just a cruel joke. Especially when that girl turned out to be a tormented villain from another universe. But could Celestia’s mistake be another girls salvation?
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So far so good, thou I'm sure this is going to eat at Sunset, and if Princess celestia was Sunset's mother by blood. well those ties are gone, now and forever!
What the flimsy excuse she has for this?
Hmmm, this sounds like it'll be interesting. Sunset being Celly's daughter is a fairly well trodden trope, but one with plenty of story potential. I think I'll be keeping an eye on this.
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I highly doubt the ties are severed forever. It makes sense why Princess Celestia would give up her child, a unplanned child likely father by some random royal Guard she didn't have a proper courtship with, or worse a on night stand? The kind of chaotic life of the child of the defacto Queen would be like? Always used as a political pawn, always the target of assissination attempts, kidnapping plots? Never having time to spend with the child? It would be heart breaking, stressful to the child, giving her upbto lead a"normal life" is just the sort of thing Celestia would do, figuratively tearing out her own heart in the process. Knowing she can never be the mother she wants to be. Never give her daughter all the affection her heart tells her to. Celestia has ruled for thousands of years, was forced to banish her own sister, place lives of her subjects in danger because of her precognition, send soldiers to war, she has had to place the good of all of Equestria over her own needs. Who would want to place that on a child unless they absolutely had no choice in the matter? Why wouldn't a smart girl like Sunset understand that eventualy?
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Okay not game of thrones, while Celestia could have a good reason the problem is she failed sunset a person with a good childhood doesn't act like how sunset acted, really watch the mlp movie sunset felt extremely alone and just couldn't connect emotionality with others. Her child hood would have to been extremely lonely for her to develop that way. So Celestia failed her in every way it doesn't matter what her reason is because her daughter wasn't happy.
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I'm sorry it still sounds like excuses, and there could been plenty of chances to reconnect with Sunset if this follows Canon, and gone pass the memory stone...
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I don't see things being thrown away so easily. The reconciliation won't be simple, more do I expect Celestia considers the decision a good one. It's easy to judge the past from the present. It's easy to know the consequences after they happen.
Yeah, scenarios where Celestia is someone's biological mother, most often Twilight or Sunset, and then takes them in after a while just reek of Celestia trying to have her cake and eat it too. With Sunset it's typically worse since she's normally forced to live in an orphanage only to be taken in by someone who doesn't explicitly adopt her. At least with Sunset being a normal orphan that Celestia, she didn't set out to be Sunset's mother, even if Celestia has to be pretty emotionally stupid/scarred for her not to know that she has become a mother in all but name to Sunset. With both sides placing expectation on the other that neither can meet leads to the disaster of Celestia banishing Sunset that ends their relationship. With Sunset being her actually daughter makes Celestia REALLY bad because it shows she thinks she can abandon and take Sunset back whenever it pleases her.
You may wanna learning how to use apostrophes. Other than that, pretty good so far
Good start. Can't wait to read more.
Speaking of, my readers are waiting for me to finish the next chapter of my fic. Time go back to writing.
Good start. Needs a bit of cleaning with the punctuations, as well as the spacing.
To be fair to both of them, the worlds aren't entirely 1:1. Flurry Heart doesn't exist (yet) in humanland, the principals aren't thousands of years old, little differences.
I like the premise, but the story needs a bit of clean up. You use a lot of exposition (telling) rather than showing. I feel like you could really rework this chapter and make it better. Celestia/Sunset family relationships are always fun to read.
I think it reads really good and I'll be looking forward to keep reading!
Only found two typos:
That should be Principal and none. And there's three weird double spaces, one which may indicate a scene change. If the latter is the case, I recommend changing it to a horisontal line or ... to make it more clear.
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Thanks for the tip! I'll definitely work on that.
I think you need to do more show and less tell.
The idea is good, but you drop details instead of letting the characters express them in an organic way.
But still, good start.
This story is a bit fast paced, in my opinion,as if it rules out the deeper details behind the each characters stories, even Sunset's storming is a bit fast for me
Nonetheless, this is a good story, it holds potential and I love to see more of it
She Is Why I Drink
Followed, liked and Sooner this updates the better shelf
Also, Celestia's Little Shop of Horrors
Okay, lots of little typos which I've posted below for your editing pleasure. The main ones seem to be not using apostrophes and using a period instead of a comma to separate things like {"Sentence," she said.}. Maybe use something different for scene breaks, right now it just looks like several empty spaces. Hmm, and yeah, perhaps slow down a bit. Not trying to knock you, this story has promise and I'd still read it even with these issues. These are just the simple fixes you can do to make the story better.
out Sunsets file - out Sunset's file
makes since - makes sense
her sisters hands - her sister's hands
her sisters voice - her sister's voice
Celestia have her - Celestia gave her
herself.” Sunset mumbled - herself,” Sunset mumbled
“Yeah, shes an - “Yeah, she's an
Oh and Princess Celestia - Oh, and Princess Celestia
unexpected…and - unexpected… and
the princesses student.” - the princess' student.”
was eight.” Celestia said - was eight,” Celestia said
the a Principle. - the Principle.
would have had to seen. - would have had to have seen.
Non of it - None of it
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I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say it was for some asinine reason like "protecting Sunset from her enemies" or "shielding her from being used as a pawn by the nobles"... Just, ouch, this version of the Princess is stupid as hell. After what happened with Luna, then Sunset, then there was how she handled Twilight. Ya know, constantly pushing her into dangerous situations, never giving her info, and then turning her back on her at the Royal Wedding? Instead of the others making mistakes, maybe it's Princess Celestia with the problem.
Seriously, being an orphan sucks enough as it is, but to be told that your parent actually gave you up? That'd make a child feel lower than trash. As the story progresses I could totally see Principle Celestia wanting to slap her alternate self for so casually throwing away her daughter. Twice it would seem.
I can see how that revelation would come as a bad shock. Kinda surprised she didn’t go through the portal on a warpath.
I’ll be keeping an eye on this one. Please, keep writing this.
Very interesting, I always find stories that involve the Equestria Girls version of Sunset neat.
My only advice when it comes to writing is take things at your own pace, never rush to finish a chapter. Make sure every scene is the way you want it before moving and never be afraid to go back and change things if you have a new idea.
Most importantly, remember to have fun. If you're feeling stressed or get stuck on a part there's nothing wrong with taking a little break to clear your head.
Keep up the good work. I'll patiently wait for the next chapter.
so far so good. Can't tell you how fast the red flags went up when I read the words winter break but, then I re-read and saw this is after the games so the events of that comic might of already happened. All in all interesting take and it has bugged me how Sunny doesn't seem to have a double. few errors here and there but that okay no one's perfect not even me. Keep up the good work and take it at your own pace.
For your first try, you're doing great. This is extremely interesting. There were a few minor errors here and there, but you'll probably learn over time. Keep it up
well you have managed to capture my attention with a simple idea and a well executed first chapter I cant wait to see where things go from here. will the principle be getting a new daughter and how will this revelation effect poor sunsets psyche
Good intro chapter. You've got my attention!
It has a couple typos, but nothing major. The biggest issue you have is staying in a consistent tense. Your writing is mostly past tense, but then occasionally shifts to present. Read through with an eye for correcting for that and you'll do great.
Congratulations on publishing your first story on the site! I don't really have much to add to what everyone else is said, but I found it helpful to get at least one proofreader who can offer corrections and feedback for future chapters.
Still, you've got a solid idea, and it seems to have attracted some attention. Nice going!
Tracking. I do love a good Celestia as Sunset's Mother fic
She’s. Also all-powerful.
Other than that can’t wait to see where this goes.
So far I'm liking it. Rare is the story with Celestia and Sunset as the focus.
Lot if potential. Look forward to see how you go about this.
You have certainly gotten my attention with this interesting start to a story.
I hoping that this is one minor difference between the world were in EQG one she is Celestia’s daughter but in Equestria she isn’t actually her biological daughter but was in the process of finalising adopting her before they broke apart. At least I hope it’s something like this as is seems cruel for Princess Celestia to abandon her daughter and then to just pick her up later and not a say anything.
Some pony hasn't realized the implication of being a "live" ringer for a dead child yet. Especially if the police were to pick her up for vagrancy, and trespassing.
...
Questions would be asked.
On a more serious note, if Princess Celestia is The Mother of Sunset Shimmer, then Sunset could have been placed in the Orphanage as a means to hide/protect her from Investigators (good or bad), popperazzi, or ponies trying to use her against the Princess, until Sunset's Identity could be officially established as Some Pony Else.
Sadly, Royals can not just live their own lives. Celestia has tried, and in at least one world they built a palace around her, when she was grieving on a mountain side.
Can't wait to see what happens next
Others have already noted the typos, so I won't harp on them. You could use a few extra proofreading runs. Aside from that, I am a sucker for Principal Momlestia and hope to see this go on. :)
More
CANT WAIT FOR MORE
Interesting premise, but it needs polish. There are a lot of typos and the pacing is rather fast.
I do hope you'll continue though, and I hope Princess Celestia has a justifiable reason for abandoning Sunset Shimmer.
Poor Sunny.
Below are some typos for your editing pleasure:
Celestia had to stain to hear. - Celestia had to strain to hear.
seen her such a state. - seen her in such a state.
but make edge situation worse. - but make the situation worse.
considering the people’s feelings - considering people’s feelings - or - considering other people’s feelings
just leave get be for once. - just leave it be for once. - or - just leave things be for once.
You never given up before! - You've never given up before!
yourself, Sunsets never - yourself, Sunset's never
I'll talk to though as soon - I'll talk to you as soon
push me.” Sunset urged, - push me,” Sunset urged,
suppressed and sob - suppressed a sob
Oof, I know Luna was just trying to help but she pressed all the buttons... in the wrong order. I AM curious to see how the reconciliation between Sunset and Principle! Celestia go, like, how will they meet up to start their next conversation? Will one of them approach the other or will Luna try and corral them into position? Also, that last line of Twilights... ouch. Though that does pose the question, now that her friends know that she originally came from another dimension why haven't they put it together that she's all on her own? I mean, I get why it is never brought up in the show/movies, but most fanfics try to portray the setting in a more realistic manner.
Aww... Sunset.
Not the best advice right now Twilight. Not sure how you don't know Sunset lives alone after a full semester, but ok.
Also, they never found human Sunset's body eh? I'm sure that will not be relevant at any point going forward.
Probably meant "It had" instead of "If head" which is kind of funnier but yeah. It'll be interesting where things go from here. Xbox432 said it best, Luna's pushing all the buttons in the wrong order for this situation. Probably playing DDR while dancing like Twilight.
Seen a few stories as Princess Celestia as Sunset's mother. I'd say Celestia feared Sunset would be a target... that or she's busy ruling Equestria she'd have no time for her... I wonder what Princess Twilight would think of Sunset's dilemma =o or the fact that Celestia possibly had a foal and didn't raise it herself. Hopefully Vice Principal Luna sees that this Sunset is not just a replacement for 'Sunny.' Once Sunset understands she's not just a copy, maybe they could use that backstory for where she comes from, due to government peoples. Hope to see more soon!
Damn it Twi shouldn’t you be smart enough to guess the inter dimensional unicorn doesn’t have access to family?
Great Chapter. People have already pointed out the typos. Other than that, you're doing great. This chapter almost made me cry. The original show and the Equestria Girls franchise never gave Celestia any character. She was just there. Which is why a lot people think that she's "Too perfect." But I'm glad that fan fiction writers like you are giving her some character.
Light, I feel for both Sunny and Celestia. For Celly, seeing Sunset every day must have been torture, and from the look of it, Sunset's whole world just got turned upside down and shaken like a maraca.
Celestia and Sunset are both really hurting from this.