I'm done. I just don't have fun writing stuff anymore. You're free to take any of this material as your own. Have fun!
Being a fan of MLP, I always had the dream to one day live in that very world.
My name is Taylor and this is the story of that very incident. One fateful night after moving into a new house, I dreamt of entering into the land of Equestria. I was able to meet all of my favorite characters and live out the life of a young filly.
However, is it more than just some simple dream?
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Nice start, I look forward to where it goes from here.
7314129 Thank you my man, really appreciate it
Pacing could be better,and I spotted a few run-on sentences. I like how long it took him to realize he was a pony.
Although I feel the chapter should have ended at the point where he passed out.
The T should be a regular T, not a capital one.
Another tip... Using emoji faces in a story is not a good idea, at least in my book. Pacing was somewhat better as well.
If your refering to another person, it's ALWAYS that person's namd then an "I." The correct term would be
"Rainbow and I"
Also, different eye colors? Really? Pacing was once again better, and I didn't spot any run-on sentences. Story has good potential, and your grammar is mostly sound. I enjoy the concept as well, even if I've seen quite a few "Age Regression, TF/TG" stories, there hasn't been one in awhile.
Astro-Manger, thank you for all the feedback. I appreciate the corrections and will be sure to fix it in the future. Originally, I had the "IT'S" as you stated to add emphasis. Additionally, for the part that should've read "Rainbow Dash and I", I was more or less experimenting with how it sounded. But now I know what does and doesn't work, so I'll be sure to fix it in the next chapter. Thanx!
Not bad, but fillies are female. The gender-neutral term a lot of writers use for young ponies is foal.
Yeah, they should have been able to figure out their gender from being called a filly. A male is a colt. Other than that, I really don't have any nitpicks.
7339828 Yea, I realized that when I went back and read it.
7339494 "Astro-manger" lol
if nobody else is going to, i will.
She could have had the obvious idea of breaking her spell, by striking her horn with a pebble... I mean, she came up with two clever tricks to evade the Pegasi, I see no reason why she wouldn't think to distrust Twily's spell casting...
Eh,! Only took about a week to get this chapter out. Not bad at all.
7357757 Yea, sorry about that. I had it done within a couple of days, but I postponed publishing it for a bit
7358135 When you feel it is the right time to release the next chapter, it usually is. So, no problems. Alot better than waiting months for chapters like a good portion of stories I like.
An hour and a half long drive to the school? Where the f*** did they live? I could understand a half-hour drive, but that long? It's ridiculous! Unless the school is about 70 miles away from them, but it's still ridiculous.
No one uses those outside of texts and social media statuses.
Punctuation goes before the ending quotation marks, not after. Also, Fluttershy may be weak-willed early in the series, but she grows over that by the 4th season. Still shy, but not very weak. But even she is not this weak. She would not start crying over something as simple as this. You have committed character exaggeration, meaning you increased one trait to a size far greater than normal.
Also, you do know that filly is female, colt is male, and foal is either gender, right?
Apparently you don't know that.Actually, according to the comments, you know that but you're to lazy to go back and change it.Names huh? Lemme go back a few chapters, I forgot what colors she was.
Sky Streak? or perhaps just "Sky"?
Ahem?
that's a bit redundant.
>>Tide Hunter, I decided to go back and change the gender issue of the second chapter, as well as remove the emojis that I could find. And then, for the point about how far the drive from school used to be: I took that from my personal life, because I used to have to make a two hour commute to school, until I moved to a house that is only 5 minutes away.
7377082 I tried to fix the redundancy of that portion of the chapter, so please let me know if it sounds smoother or not. And then, for the "hands" thing, you're comment made me laugh pretty hard, and I made sure to fix it. I really do appreciate that you and others give me feedback on what to fix, so please keep giving me helpful critiques!
7377916 much better.
needs to have 20% more action! its like im reading it in monotone.....
still this is great!
tnx for for the follow dude and read your fic its really cool!
have one in return!
woot!
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......
unless you have some ulterior motive turning "him" into "her", coz most ive read hie some fics turning guys into gals did not really turn out that good (some were boring actually).
hope this fic could go beyond my expectations!
What OP was running from
Typo.
I get the impression you might maybe implying that her voice sounds... shy.
Probably should have Fluttershy call her a young filly, so it makes more sense to start freaking out about that word. Besides, foals are already young.
Wait... you do know that a filly is a young female horse, right? A young male horse is called a colt.
I'm a little confused why they're so upset that she walked into town.
>11+23
>37
OH COME ON YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO CARRY
As for the story, it's well written, with decent imagery. There's no clever gimmick here for dramatic intrigue, but those get kind of tiresome sometimes, when you ask yourself, "Great, what horrible thing is going to go wrong this time?" Not sure where you're going with it, but she seems like an approachable character, and you seem to enjoy describing the world she's been dropped in, so that's a good combination.
I love you.
7408245 :rainbow laugh: lol
7408014 Thank you for the feedback! I THINK that I finally fixed that chapter, it's been the death of me. And once again, please provide more helpful criticism. I want to get better at writing and everyone here has provided me with the opportunity to do that. So thank you once again!
7340359 yes.
Flowerwall, skyflower, shyren
Honestly, I wanted the name Astromancer (Without the hyphen between the two) but fimfiction wouldn't allow it
7415751 If you want, I could have it say "Astromancer"
7415756 Nah, it's really not a big deal lol
7415832 Are you sure, it'd only take a sec
7415911 I'm sure.
this is turning into something great and i ive read the changes you've made here its really spot on!
next chapter dude!
woot!
7440495 I'm so glad you like it!!! I've tried putting a lot of time and effort into this story, and I feel that numerous people enjoyed it. But, I do know that it can ALWAYS be improved. So please offer feedback! And once again, I really do appreciate the support!
Basically me when I dream of false awakenings...
7340359
I have been looking for that song for the past ten years.
Fluttershy,i believe.
7483580 :rainbow laugh: Lol. That's amazing!!!!
I'm enjoying the story very much, I would just recommend having someone else go through it for grammar and minor continuity issues. Regardless, it's a great read :D keep up the good work
7483890 I'm glad to hear that you like it so far! And please, if you see grammatical errors, please let me know so that I can correct them as soon as possible