1. Member Since 16th Dec, 2016
  2. offline for 20h, 34m

"Through darkened skies and malevolent eyes, my journey never dies"-Skaltrox Orthuris: Knight of Defiance

Featured In4

  • ...
 27
 434

Jared always did enjoy the night sky, and this night was even more enjoyable. The moon was bright and the stars were shining, all was well until something bizarre happens...he turned into a pony! And a girl pony at that! It was strange enough as it was, but then he's shortly after pulled into a different world where these ponies like him are dominant. But after meeting with the one that brought him here, he learns that he has a special power that only few have, these ponies use their powers to help others that cannot help themselves and defend the land Jared finds out to be called Equestria. He makes new friends and some enemies but he thinks every now and then that....this all started when he looked up at the night sky.

Came up with this last night (my time in Australia) as I looked up at the very bright moon.

First Published
11th Jan 2017
Last Modified
12th Jan 2017
Comment posted by Shadow of Doubt deleted at 11:24am on the 11th of January, 2017

Ok, to start. It's a good story, yet the theme is a little bit cliche. But nice little twist.

A read over of the chapter could probably be done, as some parts, to me, felt that they weren't need, such as:

"What's Project: Day and Night?" Jared asked honestly

"I'll tell you if you keep still" Luna replied.

Jared did as she asked.

I don't think the last line is needed, or at least it needs to be rewritten. If just feels a bit weird and blunt for me.

Also, sorry to get sciency, but at the start you said,

he marvelled at the light being emitted from Earth's moon

Should this be reflected? As the light from the moon comes from the sun?

I dunno. It just suddenly reminded me how the moon works. You probably don't have to change that one though. It's just me being me.

>>7859458 Yeah i understand all that. I'm not sure it's entirely cliché but I just came up with the idea and just needed to make this. Also yeah I really just had those lines in to make the chapter, but i can fix it now.

I just don't know why I have two dislikes? Is it because it's a cliche story? or is it the gender bender (because i know alot of people don't like that stuff)

Anyway thank you for such a good response I can use to help with my stories.

>>7859467 I haven't disliked, but it might be the genderbent part that's got you a bit of hate. And for it being cliché, it's the theme of a human-turned-pony with super powers. It actually may not be cliché for though, but I see the theme in a lot of other fics.

>>7859473 True, but because the story is cliché is hardly something to dislike about, unless you have seen that similar story a dozen times. The gender bender I understand, I do enjoy that genre and this was my first story that touched on it so I just wanted put it in to 'spice' it up just a notch. I could of easily left it at no gender switching, but that would of made the story boring for me to write.

So the power went to the one that the pony had their last thoughts of.

How did the pony before him think of a male bipedal being from a different world?

I'll like and follow this, but you've got it so rushed that it's hard to enjoy it properly.

>>7859706 Must have been related to Lyra.  :trollestia::pinkiecrazy:

This feels rushed to me. The transformation especially.

This story has potential. I'd like to see where this goes. If you need a proofreader, PM me.

it feels rushed and I cringed upon reading this. some of the grammar was a bit off for me as well. so you don't get a like. you also do not get a dislike.

>>7860329 Fair enough, I don't entirely see it being rushed but I get the cringe part. Like i say in the description, I thought of this story when I looked at the moon and I just got this idea

>>7859857 I know, but I didn't want to go into too much detail of the transformation but...I'll see what I can do.

>>7859706 I know I get it rushed a bit but sometimes i can't really flesh it out without losing the point of the chapter. As for the pony thinking of a human...well you'll see later on in the story, let's just say the protagonist knew that pony but doesn't recognize the name they have.

>>7860491 This story has potential, but you definitely do need a proofreader/editor. Some guy here volunteered, I'd take him up on that offer.

>>7860525 I have actually, just waiting for a response

Before I read it, what is the Dark tag for ?

>>7860831 Oh don't worry about that too much, there is going to be some mild dark stuff later on, nothing too bad.

...Honestly, that was WAY too soon to be happening.

Should have saved it for the second or third time he went off.

>>7864614 True, but the mood was perfect to do it. Now Eclipse and  Flame are going to be awkward around each other.

>>7865366 Not really. For meeting him the first time, her reaction should have been to let someone who knows him better comfort him.

Like I said, that would have been better for the second or third time he went off.

>>7866375 True but i wanted to get Eclipse in on the action of straight away, considering she is apart of the reason he went into an outburst. Look I'll just do things my way okay? If I feel like I need to change things I will, if I don't I won't. it's as simple as that

Interesting....I like it.The story has potential.

Alright, let's start off with the good. The idea for this story is good and I'm curious to see what kind of powers our protagonist will unlock thanks to his new position.

Now, for what needs to be improved. This is a rushed story in desperate need of an editor. We have no time to get to know what Jared's life on Earth was like before he goes to Equestria, so I feel no connection to him. He's also unrealistically submissive about changing into a female pony and being shanghaied into being a protector of a foreign planet without any say in the matter. Why doesn't he get angry at Luna or demand to get his old life back? Submission is fine in a character, but there needs to be a reason for it.

As is, I think the idea has potential, but the main character is as blank a slate as it comes.

>>7877602 Look I get what your saying. But this was just an Idea that got into fruition. I can't be bothered to make a whole back story for the character, because it would take too long to do and I don't have a great deal of time. I'm just a basic amatuer writer, not a professional so of course I'm going to get it 'rushed' (god I'm getting tired of hearing that). I do have an editor so I'm working on fixing the errors. And so what if he is submissive to the gender change, while he didn't protest to going to equestria, he did say to Celestia that he didn't really want to do it.

Sorry if I seem angered in this (technically I am) I'm just not in the mood for this now. I'm just tired.

Nice. I definitely see potential in this story. Noticed a wrong word typo, though.

...cause her death, but I can't except her! I want Winter!

Should be "accept".

Login or register to comment