The three of us journeyed back to the cottage, talking about my day the whole way there. They asked me numerous questions that I was more than happy to answer. But, they didn't seem to know about the whole recess incident, so I was sure not to mention it.
As we continued walking, I couldn't help but admire the attentiveness and care of the two. Fluttershy and Rainbow seemed so interested in my school day and my overall well-being. I could feel the joy radiating from them, as if they were suns producing rays of exuberance.
We finally arrived at the dirt path that made its way to Fluttershy's cottage. Our short and sweet conversations persisted, while the breaks in between provided my eyes with the chance to observe the world's environment. My gaze turned from the two, to the vast, lively and towering forest. I could feel my buoyant face change into one of sorrow as remembered my first encounter there. I don't know if I'll ever go back, but there might be some answers in there as to why I'm here.
My expression of deep concentration, as I stared at the dense forest caught the attention of Fluttershy.
"I-Is everything okay?" Fluttershy asked, with large amounts of concern on her face.
Rainbow turned to see me, gesturing a face that showed that she knew that I was distraught.
"Y-Yea. I'm fine" I responded, shaking the memory of gargantuan red eyes from my thoughts.
"Well okay. But if you ever need anypony to talk to, we'll always be available" said Fluttershy, with Rainbow nodding in agreement.
Our hike down the dirt path continued, while my eyes once again surveyed the environment. However, my eyes quickly drifted from the beautiful grass, plants and trees; to the charming blue sky and its divine clouds. The fluffy, soft and bulbous white masses were absolutely incredible to see.
I looked intently at each one, appreciating its build and shape which made each one so unique to the rest. Eventually, my eyes settled on one that made me stop in awe. It looked like a city made of clouds! Is that Cloudsdale?! I-It's unbelievable!
I turned my head towards the others who gave a small chuckle and a burst of laughter as they saw my dumbstruck face. I was too stunned by the city to really retaliate to their laughters. Their giggles and chuckles persisted before finally dying down.
"Have you never seen Cloudsdale!?" asked Rainbow with true disbelief in her voice.
"N-Not like this!" I said.
I sometimes saw the city in certain episodes of the show, but this was so much more incredible. It looked as if I was staring at heaven itself!
We ultimately arrived at Fluttershy's cottage, with my attention still solely focused on the gorgeous floating city. I only looked away, once I heard a short coughing noise coming from the two. I gazed at them, while they did the same at me, except with small grins on their faces.
"Have you ever been there?" asked Fluttershy softly.
"N-No" I replied.
"WHAT!?" yelled Rainbow.
Her outburst scared Fluttershy and I so much that we jumped backwards as our eyes almost popped out of their sockets.
"What do you mean you've never been to Cloudsdale!" exclaimed Rainbow, with her eyes transferring from me, to Fluttershy and then back to me. Her expression somehow became even more confused when her gaze found my light blue wings.
Rainbow picked up her hoof and pointed at them. "But you're a pegasus! How could you have never been to Cloudsdale!"
She then stopped as an even more alarming thought ran through her head. Rainbow looked at me as her eyes gradually grew wider and wider until they couldn't get any larger.
"HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN THE WONDERBOLTS!?" she yelled in my face.
The towering pony caused me to cower behind my hooves. I only came a few moments later to utter a response. "N-No."
Rainbow's face was utterly shocked as her head shifted away from me. Her eyes remained on mine, a confused look emoting from her. But, she soon turned away from me and to Fluttershy, before quickly turning back to meet my gaze.
She facehoofed and announced, "We're going!"
"B-But, Rainbow Dash, their next performance isn't until tomorrow" informed Fluttershy.
"Oh, that's right. Well we still need to take her to see Cloudsdale. Maybe we can go to the performance tomorrow" said Rainbow with a growing smile on her face.
I internally sighed when she called me a "her". But whatever, I might as well try and get used to it while I'm here.
"Sure, that sounds great! Well, um, only if you want to" said Fluttershy shyly looking towards me.
Once she had said that, Rainbow turned towards me and approached in a threatening manner.
"I'd love to" I said, with a drop of sweat coming from my forehead.
A giant smirk engulfed Rainbow's face as if she wasn't intending on killing me. "We should get going!"
"Okay, but I'll have to tend to the animals before we leave" said Fluttershy.
Rainbow just rolled her eyes as Fluttershy disappeared into her wooden cottage.
A half hour passed before Fluttershy emerged from her house. "Are you girls ready?" she asked.
Why are they torturing me like this?! Why couldn't she have said 'Are you ready' without the "girls"? It's ridiculous! Ugh, I swear if they mention the fact that I'm female again I'm going to flip.
Rainbow and Fluttershy lifted themselves off the ground with their wings and watched as I did nothing.
"So I'm guessing you haven't learned to fly yet" said Rainbow.
"No. Are there certain," I paused and cringed a little bit at what I was about to say, "fillies that can fly?"
"Some can" replied Fluttershy. "Rainbow could when she was a filly. In fact, she was better than most ponies I know today!"
That's when the episode where Rainbow and those colts raced up in Cloudsdale flooded my mind. It's crazy that I used to only see this world as a show.
Then another idea circulated my head: flight. It must be so cool to be able to fly! I mean, I always thought about it as a child, but now having the opportunity to actually try and learn how to do it is crazy! Plus, I have the best flier in all of Equestria here with me.
"Hey Rainbow?" I asked.
"What's up?"
"Well, I was just wondering if one of these days, you could teach me how to fly."
As soon as the words left my mouth, her confused expression changed into a grin that was so big that she looked like a psychopath. But, as soon as she realized that she was giving off too much emotion, she suddenly snapped into a normal, or uninterested expression.
"Uh, sure. I guess" said Rainbow, obviously trying to hold in her enthusiasm.
A little bit later, we finally decided to head towards the heavenly city. Since I can't fly.... yet, Rainbow volunteered to carry me up there. I was very hesitant at the idea. I mean, I already had a huge fear of heights, but this was taking that to a whole other level. How is she going to securely hold me with flat hooves?!
"I'm not too sure ab..." I wasn't able to finish protesting before I was picked up in a flash.
I looked up to see that I was now in Rainbow's grasp as she gave me a sly smirk. NO! I began to squirm and attempt to escape, but her grasp on me was too strong. All I did was tire myself out as she let out a light chuckle.
"You all ready?" asked Rainbow humorously.
I didn't know whether to be more upset or scared that I was going to be carried helplessly through the air. I just hid myself behind my hooves as we started to ascend farther and farther from the safety of the ground.
Eventually, the air's cold breeze breached my fur and that's when I knew that we were high up. I finally built up the courage to see where we were. I slowly and unsurely removed my hooves from my eyes, and the first thing I noticed was the absence of any vegetation. I immediately thought about taking shelter behind my hooves again, but not without a peek downwards.
I looked over the railing of blue hooves and stared at the abyss of life. I couldn't believe how high we were! I was absolutely terrified and I almost cowered back behind my hooves, but the outstanding view of the land had me stuck in a trance. I could see everything!
All of Ponyville was visible, along with some other bits of land on the outskirts. It all looked so majestic from up above. I couldn't look away, and it was as if my fear of heights vanished. I sat in Rainbow's hooves, with wide eyes and an awe-spired jaw, peering down at the breathtaking view.
I guess the two looked at me, because I soon heard them release soft laughter. The noise took me out of the view's trance and back into the power of the height's fear. I once again sheltered my eyes, trying to hide from the reality of my position.
After a while, I could feel our movements slowing down, as if we were about to land. I once again removed my hooves, and saw that we were only a couple feet away from the floating city. I watched as Fluttershy landed, while Rainbow hovered, with me, above the cloud floor.
Rainbow began to lower me with her hooves, which sent a sharp feeling of fear throughout my entire body. What if I just fell straight through!? What if I just plummeted to the ground!?
"Rainbow, wait!" I yelled.
She stopped moving and looked at me with a puzzled expression.
"Maybe we should come back to Cloudsdale another day" I said, with an unconvincing grin and sweat pouring down from my forehead.
Rainbow didn't respond. She just rolled her eyes and continued lowering me.
"WAIT, NO, I DON'T WANNA DIE!"
I closed my eyes shut as much as they could, waiting for the worst. This is it! I'm done for!
Eventually I could feel Rainbow's hooves loosen their grasp on me, as I was no longer protected by her. I cringed in fear as I knew that it was only a matter of time before I felt the embrace of the earthy ground so far below.
However, I wasn't moving. I wasn't plummeting or anything! I hesitantly opened my eyes and saw the very thing holding me up: the clouds! I couldn't believe it. I thought about yelling something at Rainbow, but my attention was fully centered on my bulbous white savior.
I leaned down to examine the surprisingly firm, yet soft white mass. I used my hoof to pick up a piece of the cloud, as if scooping up dirt, and looked it at it with astonishment. I never thought I'd ever be able to hold a freaking cloud! I moved it around my hooves gently, looking at each side and feeling the softness it produced.
I gave it a strong squeeze between my hooves until the cloud bursted into a blanket of air and vapor above me.
Then I peered back down to the soft white floor. I experimentally jumped on it, as it gave way and shot me back up like a trampoline would. I felt my childish nature take over, as my eyes grew with excitement. I began hopping around the clouds, getting higher and higher with every bounce. I even began to do front flips, back flips, supermans, and all sorts of tricks.
I only stopped dancing around the clouds, when I noticed Rainbow and Fluttershy watching me with barely concealed laughter. I calmly stopped while a blanket of embarrassment rushed over my face.
"Are you ready to move on?" asked Rainbow, failing to contain her sheepish grin.
I just nodded as they turned around and began trotting in the other direction. Eventually, Rainbow and Fluttershy walked through the city of cloud, with me in turn.
We walked for a long while, stopping only to look at different interest points along our path. We saw numerous shops which all seemed to be encompassed in the large cloud city.
Then, we passed by the "Rainbow Factory," as Rainbow called it. It was very large with vats of color surrounding the walls. We only got to see a little bit before we were stopped at a clearance point. For some reason, being there reminded me of that one murderous fanfic where pegasi were slaughtered for their color. The thought of that actually being a possibility sent a chill down my spine.
Once we had left the factory, we headed to our last interest point, the Colosseum. It was on its own separate cloud, not too far away from the main one. Rainbow once again picked me up, and the three us of circled the arena, admiring its impeccable craftsmanship . It reminded me of ancient Greek buildings. It had numerous ledges made of soft cloud, a wide opening at the bottom, and a strange overhang that was much larger and more decorated than the others. It had a set of curtains, along with an enormous statue of an alicorn on top. I think that it's safe to say that that is where the princesses sit during events.
Once we had explored the empty colosseum, Fluttershy and Rainbow, with me in her grasp, flew away. I wasn't sure where we were going and the two didn't make any mention as to where it might be.
A minute or two passed as our journey through the sky began to slow down. A strange cloud equipped with a house came into range as the two began to decelerate. It had numerous mini rainbow waterfalls spewing from it. It was Rainbow's house. I remember it from the show, although I can't recall too much about what it looked like on the inside.
We landed and Rainbow released me. I took a glance at the house before spotting one of the small rainbow waterfalls only a few feet away from me. I trotted up to it and took a closer look.
The smooth rainbow liquid kept pouring itself over the cloud's side, falling down to the ground below. I was fascinated by how there could be so many colors that coexisted without blending together.
I reached out a hoof to touch the vibrant fluid. I circled my movements around it, feeling the coolness it possessed, like a normal river. Then, I retraced my hoof. It was now covered in a cool coating of liquid rainbow! And then, a question suddenly popped into my head: What does a Rainbow taste like?
I thought about the Skittles' catchphrase "Taste the rainbow!" And then I remembered the episode when Pinkie actually got to sample a portion of it.
I might never have this chance again, so why not try it. I took a taste and immediately regretted it. IT WAS SO SPICY! It's exactly what I imagined sweet beer to taste like!
I heard the laughter of the two behind me, as my eyes began to water. I ran around in a frenzy, looking for something to drench the spice with. And then, I noticed the very thing that I was standing on.
I threw my head into the water vapored clouds and took a huge bite. I felt the satisfaction of a spice-less mouth, as the water took away the taste of rainbow.
After the whole fiasco was over, and the two were no longer chuckling at what had just occurred, we made our way to the house's entrance.
As we approached the house, I noticed the intricate opening, which was a set of two towering doors, each with a curving design on its front. Rainbow's hoof creaked them open, giving me the ability to see inside. I was taken back by how huge it was!
It seemed like the first room passed the double doors was its own lobby-like area. Numerous statues of the Wonderbolts lined the walls, along with windows that ran across the exterior. There were also two sets of stairs, with one leading upwards and the other downwards.
I slowly trotted inside, behind Rainbow and Fluttershy, with my eyes gazing at every detail of the new place. I couldn't believe how big her house was! It was as if she had her own mini mansion!
The two showed me around the many rooms of the house, leaving me amazed after every turn. Eventually, the tour was finally finished and we made our way back to the lobby-like area near the front.
Fluttershy informed Rainbow and I that she needed to get back to her cottage and take care of her animals for the night. She was planning on meeting us back here in the morning. So, she took off, after giving each of us gentle hugs. When the doors shut behind her, I could see the immediate thought process taking place in Rainbow's head.
She turned to me and proclaimed, "I bet you couldn't beat me at some video games," with a cocky grin on her face.
"You're on!"
We raced downstairs, where a couch sat. On the opposite wall was a television and video game console. It didn't look familiar to me whatsoever, but its controllers were quite simple: a joystick and two buttons.
I hopped on the couch, while she raced over to turn it on. After the satisfying bing noise of the machine was heard, Rainbow trotted to the empty space on the couch next to me and jumped on.
"You're going down!" she said with a smug grin.
"In your dreams!"
The game began. It looked like a rip-off of street fighter, but with ponies! I used one hoof to hold the controller, while the other did the button mashing.
The room fell into an eerie silence, only to be broken by the game's announcer, "Ready..... Fight!" The sound of intense button mashing ensued.
Rainbow's character jumped and tried kicking, but my character slid under hers and countered from behind. Then, I used multiple combo moves and dodged each one of her shots. Finally, I did a round-house kick, sending her player flying and giving me the victory within seconds.
I looked over to see Rainbow in awe. But she soon snapped back into her old self. "I-I was just going easy on you. But now, I'll show you what I can really do."
"Round two. Ready.... Fight!" yelled the game's announcer. Rainbow's forehead began to profusely sweat, as her eyes focused intensely on the game. Her character charged mine, while I made no effort to move. She kept closing in, and when her character was close enough, I busted out the ultimate move.
My hooves activated the move at super-sonic speed: up, down, up, right, left, left, down, right, right, up, up, down, right, left.
And then, an animation played over. My character charged up a ball of pure energy and finally released it, sending it towards Rainbow's character, completely obliterating her.
"Player two wins! Flawless victory!" exclaimed the announcer.
Rainbow's jaw dropped to the floor, as she was completely stunned. She didn't move or say anything, while her gaze remained focused on the words on the screen.
"It was a good effort" I said humorously with a sly smile.
Rainbow looked at me with a face of pure skepticism, confusion and a mix of numerous other emotions, as she tried to find something to retort with. "I-I wasn't warmed up yet... Rematch!"
We played game, after game, after game. And each time, I won. I almost always had two flawless victories in a row, but sometimes she landed a hit. We only stopped when I was too tired to hold my controller any more.
"C'mon Squirt, one more game!" Rainbow pleaded.
"You said that twenty games ago" I said with a yawn.
"Yeah, but I mean it this time!" she said with desperation in her eyes.
I looked away to the clock that stood on one of the walls. "2:00 A:M" it read.
"I don't know. I mean it's pretty late. Plus, I want to be wide awake for the Wonderbolts tomorrow!"
Rainbow's eyes drifted away from me and to the clock. She let out a heavy sigh. "I guess you're right" she said, roughing up my hair with her hoof.
"But afterwards, you and I are coming back down here."
"It's a deal" I said with tired eyes
With that, she led me upstairs to her bedroom. There was only one bed, so she decided to makeshift me one next to hers. We each made our selves comfortable under our own sheets and said "Good night" to one another.
As I reflected on the day, I couldn't help but develop an alarmingly large smile as I drifted off to sleep.
Fluttershy,i believe.
7483580 :rainbow laugh: Lol. That's amazing!!!!
I'm enjoying the story very much, I would just recommend having someone else go through it for grammar and minor continuity issues. Regardless, it's a great read :D keep up the good work
7483890 I'm glad to hear that you like it so far! And please, if you see grammatical errors, please let me know so that I can correct them as soon as possible
Enjoying the story so far. Keep up the good work. =)
As others said, you should try and find a proofreader (preferably someone who'll point out the problems to you so you can improve your grammar as time goes on instead of just having them fix it all for you).
The problems I found:
Quite a few dialogues don't have any punctuation before the closing quotation mark when the character is done speaking. As far as I know, it's ok to drop the punctuation there, but only if they've got something else to say in that paragraph that is part of what was being said before.
Think you meant that her outburst scared Fluttershy. Though the alternative is that you meant that Fluttershy yelled, which would be scary too, though also a bit out of character. XD
May want to re-word this, as it's a bit unclear what the protagonist means. They seem to be under the impression that pegasi colts and fillies aren't able to fly. =/ Also, I'd probably mention that instead of simply being able to fly when she was a filly, that Rainbow was a pretty good flier (or better).
Retaliating against what? You have to be attacked in some way in order to retaliate. I would use a word like "protesting".
It's okay to have the name of the character before "asked" or "said" too. For some it sounds more natural.
"that I was helplessly going to be flown in the air" sounds a bit awkward (to me, at least). I'd try "that I was going to be carried helplessly through the air".
Saying "farther and farther from the ground's safety" implies that the protagonist is leaving whatever is keeping the ground safe. Switch it to "farther and farther from the safety of the ground" to say that the ground is what is safe.
You want "absence" here instead of "absent".
Not sure exactly what you mean here. =/
floating city
Both need question marks.
Bulbous is kind of an odd way to describe clouds. I'd try to find something else, even something as simple as "fluffy" would be better (in my opinion, of course).
Wrong word. Infrastructure (dictionary. com definition, SFW). Try something like craftsmanship or synonyms of the word.
There are still more in there of course (nobody's perfect XD ), but I just wanted to point out that ones that bugged me the most. XD
7484336 Damn, I suck :rainbow laugh:
Alright, I'll go back in and fix 'em. Thanx for taking the time to let me know. I'm glad you're enjoying the story by the way, aside from all the horrific grammatical stuff.
7484400 Your grammar's not "horrific" (after it was looked over anyway, haven't seen the raw chapters). I wouldn't have made it this far if it was, trust me. I've read some pieces with horrific grammar and I wasn't able to even make it to the end of the first chapter of them. T_T
Rainbow, such a casual gamer.
Too much social interaction and keeping her body in shape, not enough practice
Having a hard time sympathizing with Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. And Cheerilee. And... all the adults, really. I don't know if that's intentional, but I don't think it's normal for a couple to adopt a child by taking them in out of the kindness of their heart, then ganging up on them and kidnapping them off the street when they try to visit town, and then imprisoning them until they stop trying to escape. When the teacher meets this child and finds that the couple doesn't even know her name... Cheerilee just smiles and nods?
Your Equestria's kind of... creepily permissive. I know she's just a foal, but shouldn't there be some... process besides just arbitrarily deciding that you're the child's legal guardian and owner? It was creepy and chilling, the part where these adult ponies just suddenly hunted her down without hesitation, using their powerful abilities to the fullest extent against a little kid who could barely even put one hoof down after another, just so that she didn't spend one more second outside of their control. They went from friendly and accepting to ELIMINATE TARGET the moment she was somewhere she wasn't expected to be. I'm not sure if you were going for that creepy factor, but you definitely accomplished it.
So, I'd have those two, and possibly Twilight start getting in trouble for assuming command over a foal without letting the rest of the community have a say over it. Cheerilee, for not... noticing anything was wrong. Either that, or I'd have Equestria be a crapsaccharine world where all the ponies are secretly conspiring to ensure that the main character doesn't escape their control and discover the truth, while pretending to care for them. Or maybe I'd have the main character actually want to stay with them, and they agree in exchange for becoming her guardian, and then it makes sense why they'd be upset when she decides to run away. And they'd also at least try to reason with her, before just hunting her down an alleyway.
well that is what I thought when I read the title "rainbow factory"