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When i was expecting the final rest after giving my life for my loved ones , I wake up in a extrange and colorful world stuck in a strange and colorful body. And for more grief, im a child . But two kind musicians mares take me in their lives and a second and happier life began

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 30 )

9804016
Thanks , today the next chapter

You asked for comments so here you go.

I like the premise of your story but it is a really rough read. The first thing you should look at are breaking up these wall of text paragraphs that tell instead of showing what is happening.

Example:

After Vinyl reassured Octavia by teaching her that I had not broken her valuable instruments, only disassembled them, Octavia was very happy to see that i was learning to speak her language and much more when she saw that i knew how to play an instrument. Covering the holes of a wind instrument without fingers is not exactly easy so I could not play anything very complicated, but the sparkle in Octavia's eyes assured me that she would try teach me to play better. At that time I had already deduced that these two were musicians, something quite evident seeing that the two had musical notes tattooed on the back. The next three days a small routine was established. In the morning Vinyl taught me new words while Octavia practiced with the cello by our side. In the afternoon Octavia taught me to play the oboe, although I would have liked to continue with the dolsain. During those days neither of the two ponies asked me a personal question and they always talked to me with a smile on my face, although I had seen them several times talk about me with concern when they thought I didn't hear them.

Could maybe be changed to look something like this:

After Vinyl reassured Octavia by teaching her that I had not broken her valuable instruments, only, disassembled them. She produced the instrument I had made and offered it to Octavia. was very happy to see that i was learning to speak her language and much more when she saw that i knew how to play an instrument.

"She can play this?" Octavia asked taking the instrument and examining it. (maybe describe instrument in more detail)

"Yup." Vinyl nodded. "She's pretty good at it too."

I would not say I was "good" as covering the holes of a wind instrument without fingers is not exactly easy so I could not play anything very complicated was out of the question. but the There was sparkle in Octavia's eyes assured me that she would try teach me to playto help me get better. At that time I had already deduced that these two were musicians, something quite evident seeing that the two had musical notes tattooed on the back.

The next three days a small routine was established. In the morning Vinyl taughtwould teach me me new words while Octavia practiced with the cello by our side nearby. In the afternoon Octavia taught would teach me to play the oboe, although I would have liked to continue with the dolsain.

During those days neither of the two poniesThey never asked me aany personal questions and they always talked spoke to me with a smile on my their face. although I had seen them Several times though I caught them talking about me when they thought I couldn't hear them. I couldn't understand half of what was being said but the concern in their voices was evident with concern when they thought I didn't hear them.

This is a rough example edit (takes to much time to do it like this here) but I hope it shows how some of these longer walls of text can be broken up into something a bit better.

I have a bit more constructive criticism but I will hold off on that till later.

Thanks for the coment . Feedback is very useful for improving

After a few attempts I managed to discover what new muscles I had to move to open the wings. To my surprise, they were strangely small in relation to the rest of my body. It is impossible to fly with this, I thought a little sadly, concluding that the wings were vestigial extremities of the species that I had become for some reason.

Come on, if Zipporwhill, Bulk Biceps, Pound Cake and Flurry Heary can fly, I'm sure you could too.:ajsmug:

10092427
I agree. Grammar needs a serious overhaul, but it's interesting nonetheless.

10095420
I'm not a native English speaker but I'm trying my best! XD

10095877
I'll still read any future chapters that you may put in.

10096058
Thanks! The next chapter is a very musical one. And I expect posting it this sunday

Serra de Mariola
Serra de Mariola
tota a floretes
tota a floretes
sí tota a floretes no
tota a floretes.

On van les 'socarrades'
On van les 'socarrades'
a fer boletes
a fer boletes sí
a fer boletes no
a fer boletes.

Doesn't sound familiar in the least. :unsuresweetie:

"It is a tradition to visit the mountain on the eighth day of spring to eat sweet eggs, chocolate and fly kites with your family"

#Easter? :unsuresweetie:

"Someone has talked about kites in Ponyville"

That, however, I can come up with a reference for.

I felt pain, and that can only It can mean two things,

EnYaume that I had food on hand, or a hoof, because the climb was much longer and harder than I had anticipated.

way that I could only describe as

I always react to surprises like that, for the enjoyment of my prankster sisters.

and what I could only describe as a kind of pink bow tie around the neck approached

the language I use use when I want to make as much noise as possible.

I cursed one more time , expecting the worst while the three of us enter the building.

Reminds me of this story.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/254824/distorted-fate

Sorry if I messed up the time verbs and the posesives, I'm not a native english speaker.(—— I will improve the

and gut pains for eating too many sweets from Nightmare Night.

which used to end almost always in a visit to her office.

Octavia, her roommate Vinyl and a small filly entered through the door, screaming pointless things and moving to try to get rid of the unicorn's grip, which carried her along.

asked RedHeart to the two roommates.

"Berry Punch has gone to the City Council to inform them,

thought ween I saw the great similarities between

then I felt something lifting me up.

she was writing by putting a pencil in her mouth.

but unlike the rest of the creatures I had seen so far they was a little bigger and more robust,

He was a male, which meant that the rest of the creatures I had seen so far were females,

"She has sent a letter to a friend of hers who works at the CloudsDale orphanage,

lost foal until their parents appear, but I don't know if nobody will wan...."

" I can take her to my house "

Get a frickin EDITOR!!!

in taking care of her have gone to Fillydelphia to help with the hail storm "

RedHeart sighed " You're right. I'm going for the documents to do the custody process.”

(New paragraph) A smile crossed Octavia's face "Thank you very much" she said

Upon realizing that she was talking to her,

Then the little girl raised one of her hooves pointing to the pony in front of her and said with difficulty "Oc..tav ... ia"

no matter how strange its phonetic is.

Die Verträge sind gemacht Und es wurde viel gelacht Und was Süßes zum Dessert

I knew it was a fighting song before I looked at the translation. And I thought the first line the guy said in the video was, “hello and goodbye.”

10154721
That fic was my inspiration for starting my fic, I hope to achieve almost a fic worth of comparison

10154797
......yes, you want to do it? Pliiiiiis

10155301
If you have each chapter as a google docs so I can edit then then I could.

10156009
I can share the Google Drive but we have one problem. I write the chapters in my mother language first and later I translate the result to English

10156038
Then send me the translated version then.

10156045
Ok, i Will send you the chapter when is done. Thanks for all

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