• Member Since 11th Sep, 2020
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

uraveragebrony


Ponies

T

Winter break. A time of relaxation for all school kids. With that growing near, I was excited and stressed as I only had one more exam before the semester was over. Two weeks of relaxation and doing absolutely nothing would have been a blessing. Keyword, would. Well as fate and the universe would have it, this break was about to be the polar opposite of relaxing. And not only for me...

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Criticism is appreciated as I am a new writer and still learning.
Also, if you dislike, please comment why so I can continue to improve. Its much appreciated.
This is not a 5s/4 fic or any other already existing universe.
This is a re-write of So yea... I'm a pony

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 4 )

Ok so now I have slept and I can give you a comprehensible review, some advice, and help with some grammar.

*Beep *Beep* *Beep*

Using asterisks to denote actions can often be annoying to read and an eyesore for those reading your work. It looks unprofessional and amateurish. I know you are a new writer, don't worry, I am not expecting you to be great at everything. I am just pointing it out so you know not to do it in the future. Describe the alarm clock going off instead, the grating sound, how it vibrates on the nightstand, the pain, and misery it causes for your main character. This makes the situation more relatable and helps immerse us in what you are writing.

I smashed the tiny torture device called an alarm clock sitting on the nightstand next to my bed with my hand before crawling back under the covers of my safe haven.

After a few minutes of just lying in bed, relishing in a few extra minutes of sleep, I decided that now would be a good time to check the time.

I see this problem throughout your entire text and that is the length of your paragraphs. They are too short. A paragraph is supposed to convey one idea or concept and when it is done it shifts to another. While my issue while writing is that I make paragraphs that are too long your problem is that they are too short. Both quoted lines above could be turned into one paragraph and your text would flow better while simultaneously looking less bland. When I say it would look less bland I am referring to the fact that a text that has the same length for each paragraph looks boring and becomes repetitive to read. Engage my mind with a short and snappy opening paragraph and when I am immersed bring me in with a longer more descriptive paragraph. Maybe follow it with a paragraph of medium length before finishing with a single line.

Sentences should flow in a similar manner as paragraphs. You should mix short, medium, and long sentences to create a flow in your text. It makes it flow. I struggle with this as well, but practice makes perfect. A great example of this is a quote by Gary Provost which I'll highlight below.

This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important.

Do you see how the green text flows like music? That is what we should all aspire to as writers.

“Why do I have to wake up so- 8:30!” I nearly shouted as I quickly realized that I snoozed for a little longer than a few minutes.

I would suggest some changes here. Make us get caught off guard just like the character by having the dialogue interrupted by action. A good example could be something like this: "Why do I have to wake up so early-" The words died in my throat and my eyes widened when I noticed what time it was. The alarm clock blared the numbers in an ominous red as if it was mocking me. "8:30! I'm late!"

The example above is not perfect either, but I think it illustrates what I am trying to say. Make us feel like we are seeing through the character's eyes. When he notices the alarm clock so do we, and when he stops talking we stop focusing on the dialogue. Then bring the moment to an end by a startled exclamation and have the paragraph of him getting ready.

I attempted to jump out of my bed, only for my sheets to get tangled around my legs, to cause me to immediately fall flat onto my stomach right next to my bed.

Not having the time to be hurt, I untangled myself, not caring in the slightest about the mess I was making in my small room.

After tearing through all of my clothes to find a uniform, snapping my toothbrush, and eating an over-ripe orange, I was in my car and driving to school.

The lines above could be rewritten so they are all part of one paragraph which would help break up the part of him waking up and him driving to school.

As I drove to school while breaking more than a few traffic laws, various thoughts crossed my mind. ‘I can’t miss my exams! Do I have everything? Why didn’t mom wake me up like usual? Why do I want ice cream so badly?’

Is the ice cream part supposed to be a joke? Random can be funny, but it didn't really make me laugh. Then again I am boring.

“Today you are going to be taking the…”

I suggest you add something like "...taking the test on early English literature...", but that is my own preference. It gives us more of a look into the interests and disinterests of our main character. And your main character badly needs some characterization.

The dialogue between the friends in the cafeteria could use some revising. Give them some long lines of dialogue, some shorter lines, and some medium lines. Make their speech display their personality, which you have started to do with the outburst of 'beans!'.

The first thing that I saw was the thing at bottom of my vision which I realized was my muzzle.

I am just taking this part to comment on the plot so far. It is a generic opening, but then again so are most HiE stories. Right now I am not that invested in what is happening and I do not feel too much for our main character. I would suggest you give him more personality traits and character traits. Put him in a few situations that clearly display who he is and what he is about. The opening where he is late for school is a start, but it could need some fleshing out.

I am also going to recommend that you read the guide on writing by Ezn that you can find here on the site and that you delete the original version of this story. You are not allowed to upload a rewrite of an old story as by the site rules, so I suggest you delete it as quickly as possible.

I did leave a dislike on this story but do not take it personally. I think you should keep writing. I love that you had the bravery to sit down and write a story, and I hope you'll learn and grow because of it. The reason for the dislike is because, right now, your story does not impress me or interest me. This can be remedied by rewrites and an editor. I highly suggest you find someone that can help edit your work and who can give you writing tips. Good luck with the future chapters of this story.

If you want help with outlining your story or plot then there are many books and youtube videos on the subject. Structuring your novel by K.M. Weiland is a great book for learning the mechanics behind a plot and what makes a story tick. Hello Future Me is a great youtuber with videos on worldbuilding and writing which will help you.

Good luck with the future chapters!

10628705
Thanks, this helps a lot

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