Fire Soul
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Eager hmmm?
6260213
Oh yes. Very eager. Twilight's always been a model student no matter what the subject is.
Mostly it's being somewhat interesting but a few things, such as Twilight being a hermaphrodite and a good deal of the sexual content is coming of as far too forced for the sake of edginess. Honestly, I'd say you should decide if you want to write a soft-clop fic involving a hermaphrodite Twilight or a dark adventure about a atoner crime fighter Twilight.
Not to say that the second can't have sexual aspects too, but it needs to be toned down in terms of how "out there", so to speak, said aspects are. Most glaring is the whole hermaphrodite thing, which really has no good reason to be there if you are not going for a clopfic. She can perfectly be bisexual, horny and fucked up in the head due to how the Mafia forced her to root into people's heads without having the two sets of sexual organs.
6260338
You say that like it's impossible for the fic to be a good story AND a clopfic. There's not going to be anything particularly soft about the clop in this fic. I just haven't gotten to it yet.
As for Twilight being a hermaphrodite, that's more of a preference than anything else. This is an AU, so really, just about anything goes, especially considering the story starts with her childhood.
You're also making the mistake of thinking that Twilight's going to be a crime fighter....
6260359
Honestly, it kinda is for most part. The genres lack synergy with one another, save a few exceptions, and, more relevantly, you wrote the sex aspects far too forced for anything that's supposed to come even close to taking itself seriously. Or, more specifically, answering the second point:
Technically speaking, sure, anything goes, but it doesn't mean anything also makes for good stories. The hermaphrodite thing is not too bad for a pure clop fic for much the same reason the "delivery pizza with extra sausage" "plot" is not too bad for downright porn. But for a story that goes is meant to be setted in a coherent world and engage the readers (or viewers as the case may be), it comes as SoD breaking, specially if it is not the sole "major change", so to speak, or at least downright intrinsically necessary for the plot. Essentially, yes you can, but your story suffers for it.
Fair enough, although I do meant to include the "goes into a murder spree that mostly targets criminals" kind of crime "fighter". :P
6260411
Wait, sex aspects? Twilight popping a boner and scoring with Celestia's assistant? I didn't even describe much there! If you think that's sexual, you're in for a wake-up call. If you can't take it seriously, my personal experiences say that you just haven't had those kinds of life experiences. People get horny, people make spur-of-the-moment decisions and take risks, and sometimes they wind up getting some tail or getting turned down or embarrassed. It happens.
That being said, I'm well aware that not everything makes for good storytelling, just as I'm aware that constant clop would degrade the quality of this story as a whole. Side note: most 'professional' porn is abysmally boring and unwatchable if you ask me. I'll take a more developed story for spank material over scripted minutes upon minutes of fake moaning and forced, poor acting.
Still, good criticism. As for what kind of violent pony Twilight slowly becomes...let's just say she's driven, but she rarely gets her hooves dirty as things unfold. Being Celestia's student already makes it a complicated mess, let alone becoming an Element Bearer down the line. But let's just say that when she does feel it's necessary for her to get directly involved, she knows spells that only Magus and Magisters know. Vicious and dangerous spells that aren't available to the public, and sometimes even the military. Blueblood in particular gets a nasty taste of exactly how far she's willing to go.
6260445
Ehh, in terms of what sex aspects, mostly her being a hermaphrodite really, although scoring with Celestia assistant does come out as rather forced in the context it was written. Unless I misread something, Twilight is still a bit too young for the assistant to just go for it, and, more importantly, It also kinda came over as Celestia pretty much all but telling the two of them to go have sex. And Pimp Celestia is just far too weird.
6260483
Yes, Twilight's a year too young, according to Equestrian law, to be legally viable for Celestia's assistant. That's entirely the point, and Twilight actually has a history in the story of having a thing for older partners in bed, because she likes to learn. Celestia's behavior is mostly indifferent, though it could be argued that she definitely set them both up after she took notice...but she'll never admit to anything.
No, Celestia is not a pimp. However, she's not against a little matchmaking, even if it isn't for anything romantic or long-term. Ponies will be ponies, and she's been around long enough to have seen plenty of stuff. A fifteen-year-old and twenty-five-year-old having some base lusts for each other? That's trivial in her book, and hardly 'wrong', though the law might say different. Twilight's mature enough.
Celestia didn't tell them to go back to Twilight's place and bone. She just gave them the perfect situation to take advantage of their desires. What they did with that chance is their business.
6260561 While that's generally okay, the point of Twilight's age is not that Twilight wouldn't go for it, it's that Celestia's Assistant, knowing about Twilight's age, wouldn't go for it, and Celestia herself wouldn't try to set them up like that, :P
6260673
Ooh~? How would you know that Celestia's assistant wouldn't go for it? She's single, consistently busy with work, and doesn't get very much action herself because her position and her time constraints don't really allow for tailchasing. Plus, she knows Twilight on a more acquaintance-level basis. Perhaps she broke the law, but no one has to know...!
Aaaaaand I rear my ugly head again. While I may not be a direct writer of this story like I am with Harmony on the Winds, I still had a big part in this story! Woo!
6260692
'Ugly', she says...
6260691 Because she's Celestia's Personal assistant. in case of Celestia, who was setting them up, because she's the bloody eternal ruler of the country. Unless you are saying Celestia chose someone who's willing to casually disregard the law for her own personal convenience as a personal assistant (in which case Equestria is doomed already because its ruler is clearly a complete idiot and as as good of a judge of character like the Sultan from Disney's Alladin. :P ), it's not something that she'd likely to be willing to do, specially not without even showing a little bit of reluctance about it.
And Celestia's even worse from a story stand point because seriously, it's not even a matter of her being above the law, it's just a matter of internal consistence of the story. If Celestia does think that 15 is an okay age to have sex with a much older pony than the age of legal consent would be lower than 16. After all, she's the one with the final say on the laws of the land, even if you don't write her as an absolute monarch.
6260798
Yes, but you see, all of that is personal opinion. Just like politicians get to make back-room deals and skirt the law in order to get their way, Celestia isn't perfect and pure, and she plays the system just as much as anyone else. Difference is, she does it for the benefit of those close to her, such as her assistant. With how corrupt Equestria's becoming, she's needed a smart pony that's willing to do some potentially underhooved things in order to allow Celestia to maintain her rulership.
In this case, it's just Celestia setting up the chance for something to happen between them without outright saying anything about what she assumed might occur, and then being content in plausible deniability should they actually go ahead and break the law, in the privacy of Twilight's home, over and over and over again for hours on end.
However, Swirling Breeze took the opportunity to get some action because she finds Twilight attractive, moreso now that her dual gender has come to light. It had nothing to do with orders from Celestia or anything like that.
An interesting story idea. You definitely have my attention with it.
6260833
Yay! I'm already working on the next chapter. Expect the Mane Six!
6260798 Dude. It's a fucking story. If you're this hung up on it, just don't read it. It's that simple. Arguing with the author just because something in it doesn't fit with your personal headcanon is just fighting a losing battle. You'd be better off bashing your head against a wall. You'd probably get further.
6260861 Personally I call it feedback. Personally I find the idea that no criticism should be directed at an author and everything should be kept like a hugbox downright terrible. Yes, it's the Author's choice on what they will include in their story but that doesn't mean I won't give my honest feedback. And yes I can just stop reading the story of course, which might or might not happen depending on the story in question, but that also does not mean I won't clarify my feedback so to explain why I do feel someway about aspects of the story.
6260822 And on a last note here: The thing here about Celestia and the age of consent in Equestria is that Celestia does not need plausible deniability. She's the undying eternal ruler of Equestria. Hell, if she wanted she could have written an specific exception just for Twilight in the law and there's nothing no one could do about it. And not entering the merit of her believing that the age of consent should be at 16 or not, because unless she thinks Twilight specifically is an exception, what she's setting up is essentially for her assistant to take sexual advantage of the underaged Twilight, no matter how eager and willingly Twilight herself might be about it. At that point either the law makes no sense or she's not just a little underhanded but completely corrupt. Or rather, if she believes that the age of consent should be, in fact, 16, it means she does not believe that Twilight would be able to give her informed consent for the acts they performed, therefore, Twilight wanting it or not is immaterial to the issue. And if she does believe that 15 is old enough then there is no reason for the age of consent in Equestria to be 16 since Celestia is, ultimately, the one who decides what the age of consent is.
Well then. That's one hell of an intro.
6260951
Yes, all of that would be true if it were a pure Monarchy. She rules, sure, but it's more like an oligarchy in the sense that the nobility hold a certain amount of power as well. She's just the one sitting at the top because she's been around the longest, knows how best to play the system and her competition, and has more experience than all of the ponies that could potentially take her place.
Not to mention that even if she were the supreme Monarch of Equestria, it would still be a bad idea for her to be making exceptions and changes to established laws. You tend to lose support and trust when you do things like that without consulting those you rule over, not to mention making that kind of exception would draw unwanted attention to herself, her student, and her assistant.
She trusts both Twilight and Swirling Breeze to keep their antics under control. Even if they don't, she can still claim at the very least that she had no knowledge of them actually having sex together. The choice to break the law was theirs, not hers.
Y'know, I found the hermaphrodite thing just popping up like it did rather offputting.
Totally worth it just for that line, though.
Seems like an interesting story.
6261365
I can totally understand that. Given it's an AU, it's just one of those things you have to be willing to roll with. Glad you seem to like it so far though!
There are way too many things in this story so far that just has either no reason, or the reason is just "magic". Even for a FIM fic it's doesn't feel at all authentic.
Almost every key plot point so far has been extremely contrived
-Twilight's parents being so irresponsible compared to in the show
-The mob-finding out about Twilight, then coming to her for help
-Twilight being smarter than both her parents combined by the age of six, and her innate knowledge of magic, also how she spends the rest of the chapter criticizing how dumb she was back then. Which one is it?
And twilight being a hermaphrodite so far seems to only be to incorporate more sex references, which all to be gratuitous.
I think if you took the time to expand more on the reasons for key plot points then the quality of the story would improve.
6261401
Perhaps if you'd read things a bit more closely, all of those contrivances would've made a bit more sense.
Twilight's parents are rarely if ever seen or touched on in the show. I don't even think we've ever heard a single line of dialogue from either of them, nor have we ever seen them doing their jobs. Thus in this story, they wound up taking a loan from the wrong people because they were stumbling across harder times. It could've used more clarification I suppose, but I didn't feel it was necessary since neither of them play a particularly heavy role in the story as a whole.
The Mafia didn't find out about Twilight, her parents got desperate and offered their daughter's magical aptitude to the Magister they owed money to. They didn't expect him to make her kill someone. After that, he just kept using her to gather information from his victims.
Twilight was and still is an extremely smart mare, but she's book-smart. Not street-smart. She was also six years old, books and magic were her life and she loved to learn and study new things. She still does. Being book-smart doesn't suddenly make you keen on body language and social cues. That requires the kind of smarts you only get from interacting with others regularly, learning a deeper level of empathy that Twilight lacked because she was naive and believed that you should be able to trust adults as long as your parents seemed to be okay with them. Given her parents went with her to introduce her to the Magister, someone she idolized for being so skilled and magical and awmahgerd, she was more than willing to trust him...even when things seemed out-of-sorts.
As for the hermaphrodite thing, that's just personal preference.
6261401
You mean the characters we've seen a grand total of like twice, with zero dialogue to accompany that?
An extremely far-reaching organization, finding out about a young person with skills in the extreme category whose parents are tight for money? Yeah, totally contrived.
There is a difference between intelligent and wise. I suggest you learn it.
6261431
Seeing as Twilight's parents are responsible for setting this entire motion of events in the first place they're characters could be greatly expanded on.
Such as why is it their falling into hard times now, how did they become nobles in the first place, why did they have to turn towards the mob and how did they have connections to the mob?
And I was asking about how the Magister knew about Twilight's school friends and her brother, he even knew her personal nickname for him so he obviously knew about her somehow.
It's just odd what you considered to be book smart and street smarts.
6261440
The parents have had dialogue in the show.
I'm glad you agree with me
No one said anything about being wise or intellect, Twilight herself she was twice as knowledgeable and smarter in general.
I like this story better than I should..
6261697
I feel joy deep in my coccyx when you say that.
By the way, what's a coccyx?
6261702 coccyx is a small trainglar bone located at the base of the spine collemn of humans and some monkeys sorts.
Or something in that directions.
6261516
The dialogue was barely there, and certainly doesn't constitute as character development.
I wasn't agreeing with you, and you know that.
That's not actually an argument.
6261722
Oh. Maybe it's not my coccyx then. What IS that organ flipping around when someone says something nice about my writing?
Eh, whatever! Feels good mang.
... So is this like a Batman type of story?
6261783
Nope. More along the lines of a growing syndicate versus an already established all-consuming Mafia.
6261797
Well, it seems like there's going to be death and destruction at some point.
I like it.
6261809
Twilight slices someone's limbs off and leaves their bleeding-out carcass to be 'disposed of' in the Everfree. Personally. o.o
Yes, there will be plenty of death, destruction and gore.
This story started off on a great premise and now blossoming into a nightly read.
I would even say 40.media.tumblr.com/6af28779cfcdbd803d8e0c53a22b8ef6/tumblr_mgwm63C6DZ1qgf1i8o1_1280.jpg
Well, dayum.
That's how to get a reader interested. My curiosity has piqued.
Anyone who thinks this is gonna be a Batman story didn't really read the Prologue, did they?
Also herms rock.
6261890
I am so glad to hear that, bruh. Hope you enjoy where this goes!
I'm liking the noir style this story is heading towards!
6262117
Ah-ha ha...yeeeeah...I dunno how noir it'll get. That's more ongoing, but it's definitely old-school.
This seems like an ending and the whole story is a flashback of how she got to that point and thats not my thing i love twilight mafia stories since they are rare but id only read this if it went back to present time at some point. So does it?
6262208
Yeah. At the very end of the story. That was the whole point of the prologue, to establish a hint as to what went down over the course of the story. If that's what kills it for you, small thing that it is, I dunno what to tell you.
6261749 This is an interesting, gritty take on Equestria, and a great story so far. I can't wait to see what comes next!
6262317
Oh, I haven't even fully fleshed out just how nasty Canterlot is under the surface, along with all the other big cities. It's far worse than it already seems.
I look forward to entertaining you and others further.
So… you've been quite bad at finishing stories. Is this one going to be different? Will it be finished?
I'm rather enjoying this. It's been an interesting read to see Twilight fall from grace. Always loved those.
6262563
Yes, this one will. My problem with Taming the Rage was double-fold: I wanted to start the second part of the story, but in order to do that when I finally came back to it, I had to go back and totally rewrite the first part, or at least heavily edit it. I despise editing on such a large scale, it was like having zero motivation to ever touch it, to the point that I outright despised looking at it. Harmony on the Winds I have no excuse for, I simply had no enthusiasm to write more of it because trying to work up the gusto to finish reworking Taming the Rage was sapping my desire to write as a whole.
This one though, it's fresh, and I have an editor/proofreader this time around! Better writing process. I'm quite enthusiastic about this one too!
6262610
Pinkie promise?