- Member Since 8th Dec, 2015
- offline last seen 3 hours ago
Scorch215
Greetings all and welcome to my page. I tend to write stories of a darker nature though I enjoy reading a wide range of stories. I hope you find something of interest here, have a good day.
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Scorch215 · 134k words · 671 35 · 8.6k views
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Might want to do a quick spelling check on that description bud. A description with glaring mistakes might offset readers. I'd advice you to get an editor go through the whole thing as well.
6831172
thanks, I actually hadn't thought of putting the description through a spell checker.
Likes And More Likes For You. More I Need More Of This
Kudos.
I like the action here.
There are issues, what story does not have them?
PM me if you want help.
There are a few typos, and the most glaring one I've noticed is using mettle instead of metal, but overall a good start to your story.
6832711 I thought that that was wrong but spell check kept saying metal was wrong for some reason.
ill go back and fix them tomorrow
Your fic looks very promising. I look forward to read how Twilight goes from lab guinea-pig to army commander. And to read how she thanks Frisk when time comes.
Though, you should check your spellcheck, and ask a proofreader for help (checking typo).
I've seen a fic like this with a similar premise, but the one I saw is a Ground Zeroes crossover.
6835421
Can't say I've ever heard of Ground Zero.
6836102 You've never heard of Metal Gear Solid V?
6836200 oh it's an Metal Gear game, that would explain it then. not a fan.
6836201 Sorry 'bout that, but that's okay. You don't hafta be a fan of this series to know about it.
6836221 hey not a problem, if I'd rather some one mention something like this so I can deal with it rather then get a big surprise when I get flagged or something.
but yeah I know next to nothing about MGS so if anything like it it's a coincidence.
You have my attention, and Holy throne, what in the name of the Emperor happened to Twi?
6836533 many, many things. none of which were pleasant.
the first chapter revels the first seed.
Merciful Emperor, those fools! the hell were they thinking!!
6836573 and now you see the first seed and the beginning of the death of a peaceful mare.
6836647 I also see heretics that need to be purged!
6838608 don't worry I have a fitting end planned for Doctor Adam Frisk.
I am assuming that is the heretic
6838635 Yep, out of curiosity, what's the story based off of?
6838642 ironically I came up with it while watching this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUmqhApH3eg
That'll do it! Have you seen Out of the Frying Pan by the same guy?
6838655 was the first animation by him I did see.
I've watched a lot of his SFMs.
about the only thing I don't watch of his are the time lapses
I'm slowly working on all the SFMs
6838663 I really like the soundtrack he used for it, Wings of Icarus is a good choice!
6838670 I did as well though I didn't know what it was called.
though I like anything that's Littlepip and Blackjack hanging out.
are we getting the next chapter today? Because I like the story!!
6838839 sadly no, I got maybe a fourth of it written today
give or take anyways, honestly I have no clue how long the chapter will be so I have no clue how long it will take to write, at least a few days. depends on what happens in life.
Why do I get the feeling the factions are from a CoD game?
6844924 they aren't, it's just that the military and police are one and the same on this Earth. So standard armor for them is black and white.
Also most of the Rebels wear mismatched armor, It will be explained later why some have full sets of armor.
as for the breeching, most of the doors in the lab are locked via a security system, without a badge or a code you can't get in without blowing the door.
The chessboard is settled. Time has come for Twilight to make a choice.
I see what you did there!
6852674 I don't know what you are talking about sir.
That is a good story so far and I'm following it with great interest.
A question though... are you going to write interlude from times to times, in which it gets back to Twilight's return in Equestria, and her friends, and family (coming in?), react to her trials and misadventures, and talk with Twilight about it?
An old, unfinished (now dead) fanfic was written like that, and I think it could be a good add to this fic.
6853936 that's actually what the next chapter was going to be. I just wanted to get the base line for the main story set up first and revel some of the more influential people she has met as well as the beginning of what lead to her becoming what she is now. the seeds if you will.
I am also very glad to hear you are enjoying the story so much and I hope you continue to do so.
I only see a few grammar errs here and there. Read over your story one or two times to smooth those out. Over all great plot and story
6855432 yeah, it's a pain checking them over and it seems every time I do look over a chapter I find one I missed in the last sweep and I correct it.
im glad you are enjoying the story.
Daym. Why'd you go and make her sound so sexy and tough?
Holy throne, that was... I have no words to describe it!
6859361 Why boner Why??
Enough of the a-holes winning for Gods sake! So sick of seeing that crap.
6859627 don't worry, I have a very proper ending for Frisk.
6859584
6859361
I can honestly say I was not expecting people to find Commander Sparkle sexy.
Okay I know she's had it rough but this is stretching it with threatening Luna.
6859999 She's a soldier and some one entered her mind without asking her. She feels threatened and is defending herself. At least that's how she sees it. As I said in the descriptions, she may have a warped sense of morality.
To herself she is completely in the right to threaten her as she did. and she is also very much in control of her own mind. at least parts of it.
6860009 But she knows Luna, And she should be smart enough to know that she might need some help readjusting to her home. Who better then Luna. This is my first real issue with your story.
6860032 She will calm down later but remember this is her first night home and she's only been back a few hours. and as the prologue showed she had to fight her way to the device that got her home and then leave her friends to hold off whoever they were fighting.
. She's still a bit tuned into having enemies everywhere.
but she will calm down to a degree as she relaxes more.
and as she said she does know Luna, which is why she just threatened her instead of attacking her out right
ALso it's a bit of a subtle hint at some things that will be happening later in the story that made her this way.
There is a plan. Believe in the plan and all will be ok.
6860046 threatening was just a bit too far to me. Cold sure, easily see that. But the threat was just too much.
6860068 well I believe it's the only scene that will take place like this. well threating of the royal sisters anyways.
I do hope you continue to read the story though and don't let this ruin the whle story for you.
6860091 I work on a flag system with three flags. Flag, Major Flag, Black Flag.
Flag is what i believe to be an issue with the story.
Major Flag is when I think something needs to be rewritten because I feel it hurts the story. If a story gets enough of these I'm done with it and see it as a concept that was good but poorly done.
Black Flag A story that gets this has done something really bad that horrible OOC moment for a known character or concept. Example is a story i saw on here where due to a dragon attack Celestia has ordered the banishment or death of all dragons in Equestira which includes Spike. The other always gurantee is Nightmare moon was always a parasite.
As for your story here are my current thoughts. Very interesting concept. Twilight teleportation accident sends her to another world. Beleveable consdiering her and how she reacts to the world is in character. The world is clearly very AU to ours with to enities that do not match ours. Note the rebels would be better going for a Republic. Trust me there is a difference between a Democracy and the Republic. How she and her friends respond to each other at the reunion is also in character from what we see Twilight went through.
Timeline wise I say before Discord's reform since they didn't use him to find her. Twilight's sentres will be interesting but all that time and she never gave them a voice box?
Overall only issue is the one we've talked about. It alone is not enough to get me to stop.
6860121 hmm, a very informed system and im glad you took the time to explain it to me.
I am also glad to hear this interlude didn't receive flag. As I said I have a plan for something later that will explain why she reacted as she did. But despite how she reacted she still does trust and respect Luna as an Authority, hence why she called her ma'am when she was she was asked who she was. There is still some of Old Twi in her, its just...damaged and Tainted I guess would be a good way to describe it.
It's just Old Twi tends to get buried when she get's a combat high so to speak. As shown after the Bugbear attack she was extremely foul mouthed but as she calmed down she swore less.
As for the Centuries not having Voice Boxes, it will be explained alter but the gist of it it wouldn't be combatable with their systems as they were never really decided to be a "thinking" machine but do to upgrades they have basic personalities and problem solving but it mostly centers around telling Twi what they need and analyzing situations and reporting back.
But now that she's back in Equestria where magical item are plentiful there may or may not be some more upgrades taking place.
Anyways I am glad to hear this little scene didn't ruin the story for you.