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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Well then. That's one hell of an intro.
Well, dayum.
That's how to get a reader interested. My curiosity has piqued.
This seems like an ending and the whole story is a flashback of how she got to that point and thats not my thing i love twilight mafia stories since they are rare but id only read this if it went back to present time at some point. So does it?
My body wasn't ready when i entered, but it's ready now that I'm in
Seems fun. I'll stick around
6262936 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
6262936
that matches your profile pic so perfectly. I'm honestly surprised.
Reminds me of Max Payne... sorta. Not really, but still, I'm hooked.
HO. LY. SHIT!!! this is INTENSE.
its
-100 points for flash-back story: You already know that no matter what happens until you catch up with present time the protagonist will be fine.
+70 points for not ruining the entire story in the first chapter of a flash-back story: So... very many examples....
+30 points for an interesting premise and characters that don't seem like cardboard story-furthering props. (A useful Celestia?! Gasp.)
I have strong urges to skip flashbacks, which is a problem when the entire story is a flashback...but the writing is good so here we go! :)
saw this in the featured box, lets give it a read.
hang on has the intro change since i last read this
6313358
Alicorn OC? Check. Multiple exclamation points? Check. Bad grammar? Check. Welp, he checks out.
8258068
We are all young once, I'm sure a look at your past won't be as flattering as you want it to be. He will learn in time, there is no need to judge him for it.
8025224
Nnnewp! Hasn't changed in the slightest.
8762365
he never asked for this
8258068
I don't see bad grammar...
I have a god character myself and I don't see anything wrong with having one...
What's wrong with exclamation points?
I've seen this a few times in the updated list, but I never gotten to read it until now.
And I must say, you have my full attention...
9052545
Glad to hear it! I hope you enjoy it.
reference to the song?
9189263
Maaaaaybe.
If I had to pick a favorite among all the chapters I read this far, this one would be a candidate.
A good start is difficult because if you start right away with setting the notions for your story it can really be a bore.
I've seen many expedients to make a beginning exiting but also investing:
telling a little side story that will be relevant in the main story (like Martin does in his game of thrones);
just starting in the middle of the action (several action stories like the James Bond movies can really pull it off);
or I've seen some have the audacity to simply start right at the "beginning" without being apologetic, just telling the story as it is with all the risks of being simple, monotonous, or boring (and I'm nodding at the three books of Lord of the rings, which I really love);
and of course, there's the foreshadowing.
This technique is maybe one of the most used, but it's also one that can be misused the most. Telling the wrong thing, letting the reader know too much or too little, or pointing them in the wrong direction entirely. And even then, people into linear storytelling will dislike it.
There is no right approach, and every one has its risks. This intro takes all the risks in stride, and the result is thrilling.
It has a quality that lacks in the future chapters: it's synthetic. It synthesizes very well the tone of the story, it gives strong characterization, it gives out the style, and it shoots out (pun intended) many little details that say: yeah, this story will be filled with this kind of worldbuilding.
But most importantly, this intro gave me (personally) something to long for. The relationship between Celestia and Twilight has been one of the things the fandom has been obsessed over since Season 1, myself included.
Is it because of the fans relating with Twilight and associating Celestia to a mother figure? Is it because Celestia should be damn OP, despite the show never giving us that (I'm actually a little sore about that). Or is it just because these two characters are very likable?
Whatever the reason is there are so many fanfics focusing on these two, and this intro takes advantage of that to give us something we instantly care about. Even now, the main reason this story is in my Tracking library is that I want to know what will be of them. I want to find out if they'll manage a way to be friends, or if Twilight will end tragically and severe any bond they have, or if Celestia will give up on her. And what makes it even better is that the main obstacle isn't the plot: it's not the criminals that drags them apart or circumstances, but it's the characters themselves.
Yes, you could argue that the circumstances are VERY important here, but those don't feel like something that just happens as much as something that affects the characters directly. It's clear from the start that Celestia is ready to gloss over everything this Twilight has done, but that just piles on the problems. Their arc isn't about the Lawful Good forgiving the Chaotic Evil for its crimes, as much as it is the sinful child accepting the love of the godlike parent... and in return, the flawed parent must accept the consequences and the hate pent up in the suffering child.
Yes, the last bit is based sorely on my personal view on this story, or this particular element, but if it resonates this strongly with me I believe it should tell a thing or two to others as well.
This is what "sold" the story to me. This is what pushed me to endure the Nightmare arc (yea, have more than just praises. But we'll get there.)
But as always, what really makes writing enjoyable is its execution. I'll say this just once, so I don't have to say it every time, but I like this writing. Which is also very well introduced here.
Let's see just the first three paragraphs, and the last one.
The very first is made of three sentences that tell the reader, in order, the prospective, the style, and the tone of the story. All in a straight narrative.
We have a character perspective. It's an analytical character, describing her thoughts, that justify her actions by her thoughts. And yet, the emotional side of this character is there, very present and potentially strong. We don't know the details, but we know these foreign emotions will be explored, we know this character struggles with them. And we know this character is in conflict with herself. We can also assume (just assume) that the analytical persona is constructed, built on another emotive and naive persona that has been suppressed and "stirred in a pot".
This already gives an idea of how the story goes.
Then we have a simple but beautiful trick. One it's very difficult to master, yet is crucial for good writing.
The reader has a question. The writer asks the same questions.
Again, this is done in the narrative, by one of the characters, so we might not realize it. But this works wonder to blend a reader into the story.
Lastly, we have the details. This is where the reader is (or should be) already blend in the words. This is where the room takes form, the senses awaken, the objects materialize. it's where we learn that snub-nosed pistols are the standard issue for most of the police, despite being of minotaur design.
This is where the plot actually begins. Where we picture things. And it goes one up to the end of the chapter.
And there, the narrative pulls off the "two weeks before"
so we go forward to the past in the next chapter.
10073013
Maybe I got a little too emotive while writing that.
10073022
Alright, settle down. Going to delete all those excess comments at some point, but thank you for the excellent review! Very nice to see.
I have heard tale that the Nightmare Moon arc is problematic because for the most part, it follows story beats that are already established in the show with very little deviation. Personally I don't agree with the 'very little deviation' part, but I certainly see the criticism for what it is. In some ways I would've liked to go back and do something drastically different, but I felt putting these altered characters in the same situation was more worthwhile. Especially Twilight.
Well the intro is done let's move on to the meat and potatoes.