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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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... Oh duck
6747914
Well, I named him Harry Bearington, because whatevs.
Please dont let this become a twishy shipfic just let them be fuckbuddies or somthing
Sweet chapter. Love the Undertale Music
6747939 YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD, YOU! I've been waiting for this story to update. XD This right here, is some good shit. MOAR! GIMMIE MOAR! O^O
6748071
NEVER.
Hi......help
A little chase music, perhaps?
6748216
See, you say it's meaningless and distracting, but the story hasn't even truly begun yet and you're making that judgment call.
Give it time. Everything has a more fleshed-out explanation behind it. The beginning of the story just isn't the right time for those explanations.
Barry the Bear I guess? I wonder if he's gonna roar straight in her face, give her a giant lick, sniff her - or whatever really.
I really hoped she would be bedding Flutters, I didn't expect Fluttershy to be a wild one though, but you're right, it's always the wild ones. Funny how the most logical answer was the one most thought wasn't an option.
well shit twilight gets eaten now
6748568
Your hopes are too high, my friend. In the next chapter lies only disappointment.
He kicks her right in the family jewels and that's the worst she can call him? I was honestly expecting her to pull her gun (or try to anyway) on him.
6748610
She would've if she still had one! But then again, Fluttershy's there, so maybe not.
oh hi harry
Aw man, I wanted some actual scenes from their night together. Oh well, this was really cute. If they do have sex again I'm sure it'll be sober and much more gentle. I hope we get to see that, that'd be beautiful. I also hope that if Rarity ends up having sex with Twilight that we get to see that.
6748681
I am not intending this to be a full-blown clopfic, so any sex that actually crucially matters in regards to the story WILL be given a proper scene. For obvious reasons, it did not this time around.
Right in the carrot-and-onions. Good job, Angel!
That was also a really nicely-written smooch at the end there.
6748789
Glad you liked it! I've been told I'm a good kisser, so I just went with what I knew in that regard.
I think wouldn't might work better.
way
Also, since everyone else is calling bear, I'm gonna go for the long shot and say Spike had a growth spurt.
Looks like Twilight just met Harry the Bear. Hope Harry likes Twi...
Harry just wants to thank somepony for giving his bestie the loving she deserves, doesn't he?
6748053 i actually didn't care, i only said all that to make others think about it . Still funny what you said though
PS i had to look up Princess Clara
6749600
Oh, their conversation isn't over. It's just been postponed.
6750651
Her entire childhood creates a divide between her and other ponies. She even flat-out states that she stopped involving herself with others in order to keep them away from the mafia. And beyond that, the main conflict of the story, the thing that's supposed to be the focus has nothing to do with her being a hermaphrodite.
It's not even symbolic of anything. The author even states in an earlier response to someone else that the only reason she's a hermaphrodite is because of his personal preference:
It serves no narrative purpose and completely takes away from the seriousness of the story for the sake of wish fulfillment porn and nothing else (and before the author man sees this and says that it's only the beginning of the story again, I'm currently about 52,000 words in and it still serves no purpose whatsoever).
6750764
You mean, aside from inherently altering what would normally be a purely feminine sexuality, giving her an excessive sex drive that can get extremely distracting if she doesn't take her suppressants, being the prime reason her parents always made her wear clothes as a child, and the sole reason she has a serious issue with ever being naked in a world where nudity is so common that clothes are actually more of a trend than the norm? You know, aside from the fact the nobility would begin to shun her if they were to ever find out?
Then yes. Aside from those very important things that are key to her character in this story, it serves no narrative purpose.
6750808
None of that is relevant to the main plot of the story, except for maybe the very last bit with the nobility. And if any of it is, I can think of dozens of reasons, using only plot elements that you've already introduced into the story, for those exact same things to happen that don't involve inserting pointless fetish fuel into a story that doesn't need it.
I would also like to point out that, besides the fact that she feels more comfortable wearing clothes (for obvious reasons), the fact that she wears them all the time is a literal non-issue. It doesn't impact her personality, it has never once drawn comment from anyone around her, and it has never been a point at all in any moment we've seen where her character and personality have actually been developed (rare as those moments are). You say that she has "serious issue" with being naked, but the narrative doesn't support that. Yeah, she tries to never be seen naked, but beyond the fact that it's a thing she has to deal with it's never been a critical factor.
But since you brought up her excessive sex drive, I'll go ahead and add this all here: Out of that 52,000 words, I'm honestly tempted to go back and actually measure out how much of it is nothing but sex, her talking about sex, her ogling every mare she passes, or her reminding the reader that she's a hermaphrodite. Because I'm willing to bet it's at least half of that.
And none of it is relevant to the main plot of the story. It honestly feels like you're trying to write porn but give it enough of a plot in the background that people won't call it porn.
The intro to this story was fantastic, the history with her and the mafia was wonderfully well done, and even the overall writing (with the exception of a few minor detail flubs) is really good from a technical perspective. But this whole hermaphrodite thing, and the massively excessive inclusion of sex that it causes really hurts the story's quality. It destroys the serious tone you built up at the beginning and distracts from the actual plot of the story by drowning it in filler.
I feel like you might have been trying to write a serious story that just so happens to contain graphic sexual elements, but the sex is so pervasive, so excessive, and so pointless that it turns it into nothing but smut. If you had written the gritty revenge drama OR a smutty clop story, they would have been really good. But combining the two is not working at all.
And since this is going to be where I check out on this story, I'll go ahead and leave the other comment I've been holding on to that I was going to post when I got farther in, just to see if her being a hermaphrodite really did become relevant. Spoiler: it didn't.
6748262
If this were a slice of life drama about her learning to accept who she is and find happiness in a world that looks down on those who are different, then sure, her being a hermaphrodite is a perfect conflict.
But in a story like this, with the explanation you gave it, there's nothing it can accomplish that the inherent conflicts of the story couldn't already do, and do better.
To use the chapter I posted that on as an example, you could have had a much stronger and more meaningful chapter without spending half of it talking about how Celestia's ass makes Twilight hard. The set up for the chapter was perfect, you transitioned well into the specific memory of her talking with Celestia, and the comment about her growing to appreciate the moments she just got to spend talking with Celestia set you up perfectly to give that relationship some real depth. We know from the prologue that the internal conflict she deals with over the course of the story and her relationship with Celestia are every bit as important to who she becomes as what the Magus did to her as a child, so this moment between her and Celestia is important.
Because of how the story is glossing over large portions of her life, the parts that we get to see in detail like that one have to be especially meaningful. That was your chance to give her relationship with Celestia the weight it needs to carry Twilight's internal struggle and instead we got a bunch of talk about Twilight's dick.
The long and short of it is that the fact that she's a hermaphrodite not only had no positive impact on the chapter, it was actively negative since it destroyed what should have been an important moment of character development.
6750884
Well, you can't please 'em all, and since you're so distracted by the comparatively tiny amounts of sexual content I've put into this fic, I clearly can't please you.
Hope you can find something that you do enjoy.
For the record, when I said the story hasn't even had a chance to properly begin yet, I was referring to the fact that I needed to get through the Nightmare Moon arc before I could get to the meat and potatoes of it all.
6750884
Agreed. Ultimate judgement of a story must always be reserved until elements that may have seemed unimportant or overemphasized in the beginning now have effects on the 'present.'
6750902
Everything related to sex with Twilight is simply explained: its her personality. Its at the core of who she is and how she acts. Its been there since the beginning, and will likely go through the end.
The clop scene earlier on? Yeah, total fluff, but nice fluff for those who like it. Its not not needed for the story, but at the same time having it puts emphasis on it still accomplishes something; its the only other pony she's been with more than once. But yeah, still fluff, and a small part of the story.
Again, its a part of who she is, so it does makes it an issue. Just like the obsession with sex and her being a hermaphrodite, she wears clothes all the time because its a part of who she is. Not mentioning that she's suddenly without them would be against her nature, and would become OOC if she didn't note it and put emphasis on it. That alone could have impact later that is plot relevant. Maybe not, who knows at this point. Even this chapter it indicates it is plot relevant; she has to tell her friends, who don't know because of it.
Certain parts of all the sex are plot driven, or have effects on the plot. But the sex isn't all plot, or ever had anything to do with it; its the storyteller. The story is being told from Twilight's perspective, who is a total perv who's thoughts are constantly on sex due to an enhanced libido. This is how she thinks. She would be obsessed with it in the retelling since its such a strong part of who she is. It effects how she tells the story, not necessarily because of the plot.
Yes, the story isn't perfect. What story isn't? Could the author done better? Yes, but every author can. Character development that didn't focus on that would have been nice. Maybe some of it could be taken out. At a certain point, an author has to move on with the plot and get to the action, and it ends up being the author's choice of what to include and what not to.
6750902
A lot of writers on this site wonder why they get downvotes without explanation. It's because explaining things makes no difference. If that's all you got out what I posted, then you're right, you won't be able to make me enjoy this story. This is where I'll wish you luck and move on. I would say you'll need it, but since I see stories like this, Displaced fics, and Your Human and You end up in the feature box all the time, I have no doubt you're well on your way to being a popular fan fic author.
6752031
Yeah, it's the personality he gave her. The problem is that sex isn't the main focus of the story, or at least, it shouldn't be (since right now it is the main and only focus). Not if he's trying to make this a serious revenge drama like the beginning chapters implied.
Her overcharged sex drive is entirely derived from the fact that she's a hermaphrodite, which is only there because the author thinks that's hot. Which is fine if he's trying to write a clop fic, but that's not what this is. Not to say that sex can't be included in this, but we've gotten almost a hundred thousand words of Twilight lusting after every mare she sees and the only time the actual main plot of the story has come up is one little throw away line about how her plans are on hold. Her childhood and adolescent years should have been full of actual character development and the things that set her down the dark path she ended up on, not occasional minor references here and there that get completely derailed by ten-thousand words of her staring at some mare's ass.
As I said, if he had written a smutty clop fic OR a gritty revenge drama it would have been really good. But his attempts to combine the two just don't work. He puts too much emphasis on the clop and none at all on the main plot.
6752050
Oh. Oh, I see. Now, I was trying to be cordial about this, and just let you move on and dismiss things, but I guess I need to take off the kid gloves now.
You know why I'm ignoring your 'advice'? Why I'm not taking it to heart? Because for all intents and purposes, I'm not here to write things how you think I should write them. I will write this story however I please, and from the start it was never intended to be a brooding, gritty melodrama with the main character's head stuck so far up her emo murder-boner ass that she can't stop and enjoy life for a bit. That's not how life works. It has ups and downs. Currently, things are on the upswing in her life because one, she has no more Mafia activity consuming her everyday life, and two, as of the more current chapters, she has officially saved the world alongside five others.
I don't give a shit about downvotes. I have every bit of confidence in my writing abilities, and since you felt the need to make a back-handed attempt to insult them, I feel the need to call you out on your bullshit. Specifically, how much you're lying about the overall sexual content of my story. Yes, Twilight is a pervert, and yes, she loves mare's asses. I went back and actually took the time to see just how much her thoughts drifted to sex without it having any plot relevance and, imagine that, it only happened with Celestia and Rarity and took up a total of perhaps a few paragraphs! Last I checked, that didn't equal ten-thousand words, or even half of fifty-two thousand.
I understand if that was too distracting for you that you couldn't see the development of her character in the fact that she actually wound up telling two ponies about her unusual gender, even if she didn't initially intend to. But see, that says more about you than it does about the quality of my writing, which may I say, you said was fantastic aside from her being a hermaphrodite, which you seem to think serves no purpose towards the main plot even though it is a defining trait of her character and how she functions in everyday life. It's funny how quickly you changed your tune when someone disagreed with you.
Speaking of the main plot, you seem to be completely missing the point of the story. Whatever happened in her childhood is something that is meant to be revealed over time. As in, the focus of the story is meant to be on what she does now, not what she did as a child. Of course it matters, her fucked-up childhood is a defining trait of her personality and who she is as the main character, but that can all be revealed over time. I'm not going to spend three or four chapters on things that can come up as the story progresses along its intended path.
Your issue with chapter 3? With Twilight perving all over Celestia's ass because she's off her suppressants? Ignoring the fact that that's completely in-character and appropriate for her mindset at the time, do you really expect the full depth of their relationship to get fleshed out in that single chapter? I'm just wondering, because that sounds moronic and above all else boring. Instead, what we got was the establishment that Celestia understands her 'condition', accepts it, and is fine with it. Twilight learned she could be more open with one of her only friends in the world, and that above all else, she could trust Celestia to some extent. I'm fairly sure that's all quite meaningful stuff, and considering Celestia's a major part of Twilight's life, it's also extremely important to the future of the story as a whole.
You also need to really redefine what you classify as smut. Chapter 4? Oh yeah, that right there, that's smut. There's no denying that, you'd be lying if you tried. Her making sexual comments and observations? Crude, but certainly not smut. I think you're just too sensitive to someone saying dirty things to realize that she actually doesn't do it as often as you think. Chapter 3 was about as excessive as it got, and she had a reason for being that way at the time.
Did I initially write Twilight in as a herm because it was a personal preference? Yes. However, I also made sure that the story built around her character instead of vice-versa. The reason for her being a hermaphrodite was simple and to the point: those with a very high magical potential have a higher likelihood of being born a hermaphrodite. No one knows why this is story-wise, but I do know. Am I going to tell you right now? No! Because I'm not going to spoil that aspect of the story because it also has something to do with another character's story arc that will be explored down the line.
In fact, a lot of your complaints essentially devolve into 'I am far too impatient to wait until the story progresses to get the answers to these things that don't make sense to me'. As I said, I can't please everyone, and you are one of those people. For that matter, I don't ever want to please someone like you. Someone that would stoop so low as to insult someone's writing ability because they aren't doing things the way you think things should be done. You don't deserve to enjoy what I have to offer.
So by all means, you can leave now, because you're blocked. You're cluttering up my comments section with your big posts, all complaining about the exact same thing. No, my story isn't perfect, and I'll readily admit that, but when you decide to insult me, that's when you've crossed the line.
Also, let's keep in mind that you got super-butthurt about an AU story where the main character's a herm and a pervert, but doesn't actually go around having a whole lot of sex. Just keep in mind that something like that set you off. Maybe it'll help you reflect on the kind of person you are deep down.
Man, I missed all the good comment drama again. Darn it.
In after rekt.
6752431
#THEGOODTHEBADANDTHEREKT
6752431
Well said good sir.
6756245
The only time sex scenes like chapter 4 happen is when they actually contribute to character development or the plot in general. Sorry you had to see something you're not into.
What a way to meet the bear.
6756854
You mean you don't say hello to bears like that? They give the best hugs.
6757720 images.rapgenius.com/1fb1a9a7b6d195b4387a2185c626e796.372x635x1.jpg The only bear I trust to hug me and not remove something.
6760078
Well considering Harry lives with Fluttershy, I'd expect him to be about that soft and cuddly. Most of the time.
6760491 ..true.
Well, it's been a while but I've finally caught up. I've liked these last two chapters more than the chapter 9. That one... I don't know, I think it just wasn't my cup of tea but it seemed a bit off, but I'm glad to see the story's still going strong and you're still writing it.
Not much to say on any of the specifics, kinda curious as to how the Angel subplot will go, but otherwise, I'm liking it.
Keep up the good work, as always.
This is a decent story. The only problem i have with it is that i haven't seen too much of the crime aspect of the story yet, which is what we were advertised. The clop's nice, but it comes across as the focus of the story.
I'm not saying that's a bad thing, though. I just feel as if we should be past the world building by now. (Which is odd, most of the stories on this sit have the opposite problem.....)
Still, I'm content with seeing were this goes.
Symphony out
6793853
Well, this story was conceived initially as one that would potentially be very, very long, because there's a lot of character interaction and development on the way to the finale. Sure, there hasn't been much in the 'crime' aspect, but I will say this: we're close to getting back to form with Twilight and what she's accustomed to, and she's ready to commit one of her favorite crimes ever...senseless murder!
She just needs to get back to Canterlot.
6793895 Can't wait! Previous comment aside, i understand the value of world building, i just feel we should've been a little further along before pulling out Nightmare Moon.
Still, your story. You write it how you see fit.
On a side note, I can't wait until twi spills the beans regarding her.... extra bits to the rest of the girls. Somehow, i think pinkie'll have a feild day.....
6793927
Eh, I get what you mean. Still, I wanted to get through the Nightmare Moon arc early on, as it kinda kicks off some things due to Twilight's life being pretty, well...good, after getting out of the game, if you get what I mean. The entire arc is there to emphasize not only her lack of real friends and the kind of empathy you'd expect from a more stable pony, but also that she has some real, legitimate reasons to not do what she plans on doing. It's the equivalent of crawling through sewage your entire life, getting out of it, taking a shower, and then willingly diving head-first right back into it. You'd better have a damn good reason for doing so.
As for the reveal...that's in the chapter I'm working on right this moment, actually!
6794003 Excellent!
Wait, why are ya wasting time typing at me? Get back ta work!
6794014
But-but-but-the procrastinatiiiing~!
6794017 oh, before i forget, the procrastinators united meeting got pushed back until next week. See ya there