Page generated in 0.024 seconds
Total duration
945 users online
447,185 hits today, 1,996,409 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Not sure if you actually meant to say winters
This latest chapter has a fair few jarring shifts between past and present tense, and quite a few run-on sentences. I'd recommend going over this again.
6391245
Nope. Withers are to a horse as shoulders are to us humans. Sure, I could just say shoulders, as in 'giving them the cold shoulder', but yeah.
As for past and present tense, I know what you mean. Sometimes when I just start writing, I forget to pay attention to such things.
6391247 I know what withers are, the sentence structure was just a little ambiguous.
Oh lord, I love the lampshading of the cows. This just gets better and better.
6391412
She has some legitimate questions that require answers! I mean...c'mon!
You honestly could have dropped the Apple bloom bit, Twilight's shitty life and mental defenses would give her an outlook that would gear her more towards smashing the cute look till it stopped attempting to change her opinions and objectives.
6391456
Actually, no it wouldn't. Twilight's been through some messed-up shit, yes, but not everyone that goes through horrible trauma winds up suffering with PTSD or some other mental illness for the rest of their lives. Some cope, some don't. Thus far, Twilight has learned how to cope just fine. She's also had a drastic number of more positive changes in her life that have shown her new outlooks on life as she's grown older.
Even a war-torn soldier can have his/her heart warmed by the innocent naivete and inherent cuteness of a child. The world isn't black-and-white like that.
Ok, so....
I like the sort of Masked-Vigilante thing you're building up to, and I like the way you're going about it, but...
...The dick thing is a bit distracting and not adding anything to the core of the story, and the 10 thousand word sex-scene was more distracting than really interesting... I'm not one to tell you what to do, but I honestly think you have a really good story here, and that it'd be even better if you didn't bother with the herm/clop stuff... Don't get me wrong: I'm not offended or anything, but it's just weird when someone is clearly working hard at a story with a good concept, but starts throwing in a bunch of sex stuff and ends up derailing the whole thing.
That being said, this is reminding me of Sweet Shine's storyline in Starlight Over Detrot, and I'm thinking of showing this to Chessie...
And here I was figuring things would turn out a lot differently, the previous five chapters certainly didn't seem to be pointing to this involving much of the canon outside of Canterlot. My initial belief regarding this fic would be a more modern city gangster setting and if the rest of the mane six were to show up it would be different from the show, but I don't mind this because I'm very interested in seeing how this Twilight changes things. Definitely has a different feel to the other chapters with all their depressing, dark, or sexual atmosphere, but I can't imagine this will turn out as nice and idyllic as the show, and there's no way this Twilight is gonna come live in the Ponyville Library and learn the magic of friendship through wacky adventures. So yeah, I'm very interested in what direction this is all gonna go, here's to hoping no pony important dies!
6391497 it's more grey which is why that is more likely to happen. if it was black and white, we wouldn't have such things as ptsd.
Hmmm interesting. I will keep an eye on this
I don't want to sound disapointed which I'm not... well a bit
I'm not into clopping and the last chapter was in my opinion a bit too canon.
I really like your writting style and the story your building, but in two chapters, we havn't moved alot ( 15k words ). Don't get me wrong, I don't condamn clop or anything, but in this kind of story you could skip some parts and have a 1k or even 2k part of it and get more into the plot (nice choice of words ).
I think the next one will be different ( like I don't know, rarity changing Twi cloths and finally stares at her crotch or anything but try to make the encounters slightly or even totally diferent) and Twilight using her broken mind magic to fight Nightmare Moon and there isn't hellements of armory...
Sorry for complaining and everything, it's not a bad thing you did it just doesn't work for me, there is so much clopfics or clop parts in stories and I've read alot of stories that do the encounter scenes again and again with few changes that I've grown hatred for them.
But that's a reader over the 1.9K...
Anyway, keep writing and I can't wait your next chapter
6391622
Derailment is sometimes a risk when you include clop. I expected that. While the entire sex scene may not be all that necessary, it's there to develop her character more in terms of her knowledge in the bedroom. One does not become a sexual dynamo when they're just starting out, and Swirling Breeze was a far more positive sexual encounter than she's ever had before. A good influence if you will. As for the herm thing, that's just a matter of preference. I happen to like herms. Sorry if that's distracting for you, but that's just how it goes.
As for Starlight over Detrot, I've seen that on the feature box a few times, but I've never actually read it! Perhaps I should do that at some point.
6391880
I'm sorry to hear that! You don't have to worry TOO much though, I don't plan on including a ton of sex scenes like that one. This story is mainly about Twilight, and while she's a veeeery horny lady under the surface, all those repressed desires over the years and such, not all of the sex that happens is worth properly describing.
6391638
I'm glad you're enjoying it! I foresaw some taking an issue with these chapters because they seem to diverge from the earlier grittiness, but to some extent show-canon things will be happening with a drastically different twist due to Twilight's altered personality and magical knowledge. Her life has gone from absolute shit-show to something, well...inherently positive. She's the student of the ruler of the country, she has the respect of the nobility, her brother is a successful member of the Royal Guard and on the fast-track to becoming Captain, he has a smoking-hot royal marefriend, and she has an adorable son that she has to take care of. Going through with her plans would put all of them at risk, especially Spike. She has every reason to not go through with her plans before they even start.
She could just...let go of all that. The big question is, will she?
Boring chapter. I hope author will fix it with something more thrilling. For example, he can let Twi to incapacitate NMM by shooting villain in the knee with pistol and then use elements on her.
Fun fact: in the show she did it faster then 10 seconds.
6392239 You should: I just sent him this fic and we're talking about how we're both distracted by the clop.
To be fair to you, it's not BADLY WRITTEN, it's just jarring with the rest of the story...
6393750
*shrug* There were warnings ahead of time that this fic would include clop. Dunno what to tell ya.
6393765 Starlight over Detrot has sex in it, I'm not saying that's a bad thing, I'm saying it's jarring in context and I feel like it detracts from the rest of your story here. As I said, it's not poorly written, nor does it offend me, it just isn't as interesting as the rest of the story. I do see your point about the clop-chapter with Swirling Breeze being a character-development thing, and maybe there's a cleverness to that, but I'm saying that it's a good enough story that the sex feels unnecessary.
6393787
I choose to take this as a compliment, and I get where you're coming from. I wrote it with the intention of the entire chapter being purely for character development, the establishment of some aspects of Twilight's sexuality, and the idea that after that encounter, she only became more and more experienced. The rest of the chapter speaks for itself, serving as character development and establishment of current status for Cadance, Shining, Spike and Twilight, along with how they feel about each other.
As I said, I get where you're coming from. Glad you enjoyed the story overall thus far! Buuut, that's just the purpose the chapter served.
6393799 It's two compliments: I'm saying you've managed to write a good masked-vigilante origin AND a good sex story. I'm trying to give constructive criticism by saying that I think they'd flow alot better as separate stories.
Going great. I liked the scene with Rainbow Dash. It was nice getting a look at how Twilight would react to someone like her, both arrogant, and yet chill.
6394103
I'm trying my best to make these scenes develop differently, but her experience with the nobility has taught her how to step out of her own headspace and figure out exactly what she SHOULD say to make things go as smoothly as possible. She's a consummate professional in that regard, and she can do it at the drop of a hat, reinforced by years of learning the intricacies of acceptable etiquette and conversational behavior. She honestly wouldn't respond too differently to any of the other Mane Six outside of maybe being far more smooth about it all, instead of grumpy and anxious like she was in the show.
6394109 Well, that does make sense, given how much more mature she is. However, the kind of maturity she has is kind of forced on by circumstances, and it can lead to different problems.
I'm still looking forward to more!
Good so far. Cant wait for more.
6439599
Glad to hear it! I'm sticking to a schedule of writing at least a page every day, so it's coming along. This chapter is just turning out to be fairly large, is all.
6439607 Cool!
This is impressive. You managed to so far keep the entirety of the first episode accurate while still instilling your version of Twilight's personality.
this gave a me a very strong ( SPOILERS for Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D series on netflix) Grant Ward vibe. So much so that i actually reread it in his voice lol.
Saaammme
Yup. That's Dash in a nutshell.
just noticed the fallout equestria reference whether it was intentional or not cool i love those fics
I love how your version of Twilights vist to Ponyville works so well, while being in character.
7250504
Exactly what I thought, thumbs up.
Alright i will...
In court
"Please rise for the honorable judge celestia"
Me: FUCK... <sigh> welp I'm screwed
If Spike's stomach acid becomes inert when its exposed to air, how does it respond in his stomach when he swallows air?
10170199
Probably should've had Twilight be clearer about that, but it seemed like that would really be getting caught up on an unnecessary detail. What she means by that is, once the stomach acid leaves the acidic biome of his stomach, it becomes much less volatile because chemical reactions aren't happening how they should. His body will quickly produce more once food is introduced to his stomach, but swallowing air does temporarily reduce the strength of his stomach acids.
I'm not going to pretend I'm some kind of biologist that understands the intricacies of chemical reactions, but that's the basics of it. I definitely couldn't tell you what kinds of chemicals are going on in his stomach. All I can say is, his stomach lining has to be something tough enough to endure that kind of acidity constantly, and those stomach acids have to be something strong enough to melt down precious gems (possibly over the course of multiple days), but also be something that loses a lot of its acidity once it's introduced to open air.
Ive put this story off for too long! Diving and enjoying the ride of Twilight with a twist is nice. Great writing, you truly get a feel for both the characters and Twilight's personality which is a shining point of the story. Althoug, I'm sad to see the video is no longer available... if anyone has something similar to it... do share. Enough talk, time to move ever onwards!