The Only Chapter, Thankfully
Anon rushed through the streets with his breath heaving, his powerful legs aching, his bare feet scratched and bleeding. He tugged at the collar around his neck, mindful of his nudity. The ratty old boxers were all he had to his name, and he hated being out in public in them, but he had no choice. He had to get away.
All around him, ponies gasped and pointed, screeching for someone to “contain it,” or that “it had gotten out,” pointing at his half-naked form. Anon could only ignore them, forcing his cramping legs to move forward, all the while asking himself one thing: “Why do I have to be such a pervert?”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Princess Celestia alit on Twilight Sparkle’s doorstep, stretching her wings out one last time before poking her head into the Crystal Palace. “Twilight, dear?” She asked.
“Oh, Princess!” Twilight trotted in, prancing on her pretty pony princess hooves. “I didn’t know you were coming!”
“You sound like Shining Armor during our monthly threesome.”
“What?”
“Nothing,” Celestia giggled. “I see you’ve been practicing the royal Princess trot?”
“Yeah…about that…Princess, do I really need to walk like this everywhere?” Twilight demonstrated by prancing across the room, hooves lilting daintily on the floor. “It’s bad enough that I’m already an adorkable pony princess, but like this, even I feel girly.”
“Heavy is the head that wears the crown, Twilight,” Celestia said with a sage nod. “Believe me, I felt the same way during my grooming to become a princess, but after the first century when I stopped missing my testicles, things sort of came together.”
“I guess I see…okay, no, stop, do not change the subject, you can’t drop a bombshell like that and then change the subject a…”
“I’m afraid I’m not here just to pass the time with small talk, Twilight.” Celestia said, her gaze taking a distant, impassive look as she turned to look out the window.
“Goddammit, no! You just mentioned you had…”
“I’m also here to check on the human Anon. He appeared in Canterlot and I sent him here a few months ago, and am only now checking up on him even though he hasn’t written once since I sent him off, meaning he could’ve wrecked his airship on the side of a mountain and died for all I know. Which sounds really fucking stupid now that I’ve said it out loud.”
Twilight arched an eyebrow. “What?”
“You know…the human? Two legs? Couple hands? Pink skin? But not Pinkie-pink, just a more dull pink? Like the side of an undercooked sausage?” Celestia arched an eyebrow. “Kinda hard to miss, I thought.”
Twilight paused, sinking into thought just long enough to make Celestia question every decision she’d made since seeing a little purple filly get both a baby and a tattoo on her ass in the same minute and deciding she’d be perfect princess material. Then, the smaller princess’s eyes lit up. “Oh yes, I remember!” She turned to the stairs and cupped a hoof around her mouth. “Nonny! Here boy!”
Celestia nearly puked as the human promptly scrabbled up the steps, panting like a dog. A padded collar was clipped around its neck, the only thing on its body besides a ratty, old pair of boxers. On reaching the upper landing, the human froze, but only for a second before turning to Twilight as she approached.
“There’s a good boy!” She cooed, patting Anon’s head before turning to Celestia, a little prideful grin on her face. Celestia knew that grin well: Twilight always used it when she believed she’d succeeded at something, but when that grin was only met with a rapidly descending sneer, Twilight’s look faded into what all faithful students everywhere would recognize as the “oh-shit” look.
“Twilight, how could you!?” Celestia gasped, looking upon the animalistic form that had once been a proud human.
“Princess…what?” Twilight whimpered.
“I sent Anon here to be cared for until he could stand on his own two feet, and instead you treated him like this!?” Celestia gasped, picking Twilight up by her tail and glaring right into her eyes. “Clearly, you are actually an evil psychopath despite being selected to bear the Element of Magic itself and your adorkable behavior in every season of the show ever! And I’m the one who selected you to be a princess! Wow, I’m just on a big, shitheaded roll today, aren’t I?”
“B-but Princess! I followed your instructions perfectly!” Twilight gasped, legs flailing about helplessly with all the combat instruction of a little purple nerd who spent her days reading in a library.
Celestia pulled away immediately, eyebrows hunching in confusion. “Instructions?”
Twilight nodded. “I kept them on me at all times, here,” she said, pulling a little folded scrap of paper out her ass, as all ponies apparently held any keepsakes in their anuses. Celestia dropped her unceremoniously on her face and held a small piece of paper, apparently scratched out with a crayon, in her magic.
“’Number one: make sure he can learn a few basic tricks?’” She read aloud.
“Yep!” Now, the proud little grin had made its reappearance as Twilight readjusted her jaw. “And I did, watch!”
Immediately, she stomped a hoof. For a second, Anon didn’t move, his wide, frightened gaze darting between her and Celestia. Twilight gave an irritated huff and stomped her hoof again, and this time Anon sighed, resigning himself to his fate and curling his hands up under his chin, like a dog learning to beg, much to Celestia’s growing horror.
“Hurray!” Twilight cooed, but before Celestia could scoop her up by the tail again and scream a four-hour long treatise on the dignity and respect all sentient species deserved in Equestria directly into her student’s face, the little purple princess gleefully swooped across the room and shoved her tongue down Anon’s throat. Celestia watched, her jaw dropping lower and lower as Twilight kissed the human in a way reserved for the dearest of lovers. Then, understanding dawned and her expression relaxed, the Alicorn reading quickly over the rest of the list.
When she reached the bottom, her jaw dropped again, this time in sheer admiration for the human’s audacity.
“Hmm, that’s odd,” Twilight said, looking Anon over. “He usually has a different feel to him when he does that…I wonder if he’s depressed?”
In truth, Anon’s shoulders had slumped forward, and his gaze had sunken like a pony sentenced to the gallows, but all that flew out the window as Celestia leaned forward. “Missing the way it usually feels, my dearest student?”
“Wha…no!” Twilight gasped, her wings spreading with the color rising on her cheeks. “I mean…of course not! Pining after an animal would be…wrong…I mean, it felt awkward at first, but…”
“Mmh-hmm…Twilight, do me a favor and put some tea on to boil, would you? I…wish to look Anon over myself.”
Twilight nodded, her eyebrow raised in concern, but she obeyed and left the room. The moment they were alone, Celestia sighed and went over the list another time. “I don’t know whether to buck you to the moon or pin a medal for bravery to your chest,” she said, shaking her head. Anon’s gaze just sank to the floor. “I mean, really, the sheer balls you’d need to pull something like this on a Princess of Equestria…it’s impressive.”
Anon curled up into a ball on the floor as she read aloud from the list: “’Number 87: For a reward, he enjoys what I call ‘mouth-to-mouth reinforcement’. Place your mouth over his and run your tongue over his tongue for a while.’” She shook her head again. “But that’s not even the coup de gracie! No, that’s later: ‘Number 126: Every night, the growth between his hind legs must be drained of white fluid by a mare’s mouth. You or Rainbow Dash should be capable of this. And Fluttershy. Maybe Pinkie. Sometimes. Don’t forget to swallow the fluid, it’ll improve your concentration in your studies’.”
She stared tight-lipped at him. “How long did it take you to cook this up?”
For the first time in two months, Anon spoke: “Came up with it halfway to Ponyville, finished it up just as the ship was landing.”
Celestia nodded again, a sage smile spreading across her face. “You know she’s gonna murder you when I tell her, right?”
“Yeah.”
“You get a five minute head-start.”
Anon straightened up, standing on his own two legs again. He stretched them out, preparing to run for his life. “Thanks Sunbutt, I knew you’d gotten attached to me.”
She arched an eyebrow. “Three minutes.”
“What!? Aww, c’mon…”
“Starting now…” she said, smiling evilly as she eyed the clock.
With an “oh-shit” look of his own, Anon sprinted for the door, leaving Celestia to contemplate the possible events of the past months, and if Twilight would leave enough of him to bury.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anon was just inside the border of the Everfree forest when a lilac-colored mushroom cloud exploded behind him, taking out most of downtown Ponyville.
“He did WHAT!?” Twilight’s voice boomed over the city, echoing out over the city and rendering half the population of Ponyville permanently deaf. Which was the real tragedy here, considering how many song and dance numbers the average Ponyville citizen had to participate in under threat of imprisonment.
“Oh SHIT!” Anon cried, his legs somehow finding some new reserve of strength and pouring it on. Behind him was wrath embodied in a small, lilac blur. She was vengeance. She was fury. She was a mare that had been tricked into two months of free blowjobs.
He gave up after just a dozen steps. He could never outrun a rage-fuelled Twilight. She was a freakin’ rocket-propelled pony princess, fuelled by anger in its purest form. His last desperate hope was that he might reason with her. He turned, hands raised. “N-now Twilight, you wouldn’t abuse your favorite pet besides Spike, would you? I-I mean, what would ponies say!?”
There are many things one might say to calm an infuriated pony princess. That was not one of them. She flying-tackled him, flames pouring off her body as she used him as a landing pad, scorching his bare back while his face ate dirt. Then, she scooped him up in her magic and started slamming him against every random tree she saw, punctuating her every word with another hit against a branch: “YOU! COULD! HAVE! AT! LEAST! BOUGHT! ME! A! DRINK!”
After deforesting half the Everfree with Anon’s face, Twilight dropped the pervy human on his head and turned around with a ‘hmph!’ Then, as if thinking better, she stomped back to him, scribbled something out on a piece of scrap paper, and dropped it by his head. Somehow, despite breaking most of the bones in his body in ways that would astound medical professionals for decades, Anon managed to snatch the paper out of mid-air and turn it over in his hands. It was a phone number.
“Huh. Score.” He muttered behind his collapsed larynx.
Celestia swiftly swooped out of the sky beside him, landing gently by his head to glare daggers at him. He grinned and held up the scrap of paper for her to see. She shook her head. “Well Anon, you’ve shattered your body in ways that would make a Chinese contortionist do a double-take and probably done irreparable damage to your species’ reputation in ponies' eyes forever. You’ve spent two months shitting in the corner of a cage and crawling around in your underwear, all for the possibility of hooking up with a mare who’s so desperate that even after tricking her into being your personal prostitute for a month, she still wants to hook up with you. And now, after two months of unpracticed BJ’s from a mare who had no idea what she was doing when it would’ve run you just a few extra bits to hire some unsavory pony to give you the exact same thing but with more practice and less deception, I have to ask: was it worth it?”
Anon managed to shift the shattered remnants of his shoulders enough to prop his head up, catching full sight of the only bone in his body left unbroken. He smiled at the partially-naked tent poking out of his boxers, then grinned right up at the Princess, revealing teeth that most MMA fighters and hockey players would pity.
“Fuck yeah.”
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Humans. We'll
almostdie to get some.5847258 Hell yeah.
This was pretty hilarious. Kinda want a sequel. RD's and FS's reactions, maybe?
Is it strange if i thought it was actually funny? It is strange, since i usually don´t like something like this, and especially not a one-shot.
5849287 Making something new out of tired, old concepts is a hobby of mine :)
5849036 Eh, this was just a one-shot deal I wanted out of my system, I'm afraid.
Worth it.
5849471 Totally worth it.
In a word: Brilliant.
5849635 *bows*
Perfection.
5938072 *bows again*
5938853
Danke sha
You're disgusting. This piece is disgusting. You should feel ashamed.
Have an upvote.
media.giphy.com/media/2WGaGfzdEre6c/giphy.gif
And that is why I fucking love anon. He doesn't care.
He got digits. They're cool.
If your intention had been to create a bizarre and unnerving parody then you're spot on!
As I read this story my overall impression was that a psychopath had taken Fellini's movie, City Of Women, had rewritten it and then completely refilmed it using a fish eye lens, giving it the overall impression and feel of a nightmare. Not the kind of nightmare that makes you leap from sleep sweating and palpitating but the kind of disturbing nightmare that makes you wake up feeling unsettled and wondering just what it was, exactly.
There were several parts where I laughed out loud.
A question: How can anypony as obviously intelligent as Twilight Sparkle get so stupidly tricked into giving Anon blowjobs for two months? Granted, she's definitely naive in many ways but she's at an age where it's blindingly obvious she should know what a penis is and where it's located... On any species!
Is this clop? In spite of its obviously careful wording I have to say yes.
Did I like it? I'm not sure. I'll have to let you know after my initial shock wears off.
I will say that I'm looking forward to reading more of your work if, for no other reason, than that I won't be left with the strange and disturbing impression this piece left me with. Who knows? I might even actually enjoy it. If it's not as disturbing as this piece was.
Oh! I almost forgot: Did I upvote it? Yes, I did! The reason: For its originality and style. The story was sufficiently original and the style was crisp enough to make it pleasant to read.
Sigh... Only you kildeez.
Only you.
6204640 *sniffles* I'm okay...I'm okay...
6241684 Thank Christ for that, right?
6242976
It's been a while. I hope you've been well.
Killdeez! Nice to see you, again!
6243824 I have, my dear! I have, besides dealing with the usual hatred on my TCB-fic.
I really should've seen the vicious hate I get from that one coming.
6245281
First, glad to hear you're well. That's always good news.
To be honest I'm not sure which fic you're referring to when you say TCB fic. You'll have to clarify that one for me.
Vicious hate? How disheartening! Still, considering the extremes this fandom can take, I really shouldn't be surprised. But, again, it's very reassuring that those extremists are few and far between unless you're under seige from them then it seems like a lot, but only if you look close enough that you can see the pores in their skin which raises the question of: why would anyone want to be that close to them, anyway? They probably have a really bad odor, which would tend to put anyone in a grumpy mood, especially anyone inclined to be an extremist, anyway. Seriously, though, I jest.
Sorry you're getting hate.
Looking forward to hearing from you again soon.
6245328 Mostly, "setting Things Right," every plot point that occurs which doesn't conform EXACTLY to how someone wants it to go, HOLY HELL, LOOK OUT! 'Cause I'm getting an earful over that!
6245335
Ah, yeah! Well, I get that all the time, myself, especially when my stories deviate too far from established Canon. I swear, to some on here, imagination is a big no no!
Case in point: one of my stories, "They", which adheres strictly to canon, has virtually nothing 'un-pony' in it has no downvotes whereas, my other most complex and epic story, No Way Back, which contains a tremendous amount of OC as well as anthro ponies, gets hated on more than any of my other stories because it's so far from established Canon, particularly where it involves interactions between characters since I portray Celestia, Luna and Prince Shining Armor in a darker light than many fans are comfortable with. Ironically, it appears to be my most popular story! lol Go figure!
5849287
It would only be strange if you had absolutely no sense of humor... Or if you were a Vulcan.
6245351 People get curious about the deviation and then decide that you've crossed a line, which is kinda shit, but whatevs. You just gotta find that balance. Me? I'm not for hating on those three, I prefer to stick to canon with them, but that's my preference and nothing more :)
6248849
Never said you were hating, never thought you were and whatever works for you, great! I just like to let my imagination go wherever it will as I tend to come up with what are to me more interesting story plots and topics, sticking only to canon where necessary. Haters gonna hate. It's their loss, really. They don't know what they're missing out on.
Working on something rather original at the moment involving a Chanequus, a half Changeling, half Draconequus. Very interesting creature and it's a carnivore!
Balance is fine for those who choose that but, for me, it's something best left to walking tightwires and steel beams on skyscrapers. In other words, not really for me.
Also, there's the idea that there's about a hundred thousand members on this site, only a tiny fraction of which 'discover us' at any given time, really, leaving the rest to eventually find us. That's how fan bases slowly grow and get built. I know I can count on that over a long time and that's fine.
Like I'm always saying; we write for the people who like our stories, not for the ones who don't.
6248884 Naw mate, if anyone, we write for ourselves, never someone else
6249165
Yeah, okay, I can see how we write for ourselves, for our own satisfaction, for our creative need and all that but I also see where we can write for our fans as well, bringing them the pleasure of enjoying the stories we write. After all, why even bother if no one else is ever going to see it, right?
6249374 Well shit, there's a good point.
6250305
Thanks! We all have our reasons for writing. To me, mostly, I think its the joy of entertaining others and firing their imaginations. Then there's always the fans reactions, which are fun. In the case of one story I had a character who'd gone through some tremendous changes, a virtual transformation over time from bad to good. The fans loved her but then I killed her off! Man, you should have seen the lynch mob that formed for that!
But, that was intended and part of the story arc so there'd be an enormous, shocking surprise. Still, you can never fully anticipate how fans will react to a surprise like that.
6251178 Yeah...*eyes twitch nervously*...totally unpredictable...
6251420
This was dumb, but it made me lol so hard anyway.
6254435 Hah! Just what I was shooting for!
Now that was a thing of beauty.
Is it bad to wish for another chapter to this awesome story?
6789045 I have no idea what it'd be, but I think it's perfectly natural :)
wtf
...
+1
6881923 Exactly the reaction I was hoping for
6881934
:D
Wow. On so many levels, wow. I need to get off the workplace computer and go home now.
....
....the things that come out of your brain both frighten me, and make me laugh.
7138034 kinda what I'm shooting for here :)
This is the most offensive, atrocius and repulsive thing I have ever read.
And I fucking love it :D
My only question is: Why is there no Random tag on this?
7174688 DAMN good point.
...
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I don't recall how I stumbled over this, but whatever. It uh... started out a little rough there. Not the basic set up, that was fine. The dialogue was just a bit too meta... stilted... at first.
It got better. The sheer, almost sociopathic nature of... basically all of them here... Fantastic. Not since Lyra on a train full of orphans and fire... I'd normally go into more detail than this. But.... eh, I got nothin'. Have another upvote; in exchange I get another story for the folder full of things that shouldn't make me laugh that much, but do.
Nice work.
7646445 I can't believe you devoted that much thought to a stupid parody. But thank you.
Pain is temporary, horse pussy is eternal.
Up next: The Actual Hook-up.
Takes place in Twilight's place, in which they do basically the same thing as they've been doing for a while now, but without a '100% authentic royal decree.'