• Member Since 17th Nov, 2014
  • offline last seen August 11th

Changeing Winter


A world of words lies before me. As i lift up my quill i wonder what adventures ill go on and stories ill write yet as ink meets paper im wisked away to far away lands in my mind. The story begins.

T
Source

We all know Fluttershy, a yellow Pegasus pony hailing from Cloudsdale, shy as a fly friend to all animals and practically kindness incarnate. However, the world can be deceiving, what if Fluttershy was not pony but a rare creature called a changeling queen? What would this mean for Equestria and Fluttershy's friends and who else will be drawn in to the fray in this story of the lost and the forgotten?

cover art by "The-Clockwork-Crow" on deviantart
http://the-clockwork-crow.deviantart.com/art/Changeling-Egg-447190688

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 158 )

This is such a great idea! ENCORE!:rainbowkiss:

Love it. Not much I can offer in advice though.

I WANNA SEE MOAR OF THIS! THIS IS AMAZING FOR A FIRST TIME WRITING! MUST SEE MOAR! GOOD JOB ALL AROUND ON THE STORY, I IGNORED ALL GRAMATICAL MISTAKES AFTER I SAW THAT YOU WERE NEW, AMAZING JOB THOUGH!

so is fluttershy still fluttershy or is that a mask?

Some capitalization errors (Capitalize all names and EVERY time you start dialogue):

"oh I hope they like me!"

"hey there"

"what's up?"

Etc., there are several of these.

was Bab Seed who was very upset about

Apple Bloom did not meet Babs Seed until season 3 (But hey, alt universe, fanon, whatever else is fine.) Also, it's Babs Seed.

time Fluttershys' timid yet kind nature made pony's like her almost

Fluttershy's not Fluttershys'
ponies not "pony's"

They had bonded when they where children and rainbow dash helped Fluttershy make it through

"were" not "where", and capitalize "rainbow dash".

Other than that, it's okay overall. This idea has been done several times before.

Can i ask for the source of that picture? :3

Thanks for the positive support guys its really making me feel good about continuing this story. I hope to improve the quality and learn from my grammatical mistakes as I go on.

5293163
Inthretis first i would like to thank you for the constructive criticism, it will go a long way in helping me fix my mistakes and ultimately making me a better writer in the long run so thank you. As for Babs this was her first apple family reunion (being young and from Manehattan) and also because her bulling problems she had become shy and secluded so she probably wouldn't run in to apple bloom. I clearly didn't make that clear enough so I'm going to change the dialog to reflect that.
Finally I know Fluttershy is a changeling stories have been done before but so has "Scootaloo's an orphan" and "Twilight loves Celestia" stories. What makes them good is taking that concept and running of over the Badland mountains yelling "smile smile smile" all the way with it, so I'm taking this story in a different direction to all other Fluttershy's a changeling stories, and nothing short of the apocalypse is going to stop me.

Again thanks for the constructive criticism it's a big help.

5293058

A quicker reply for you berryy2. Technically there never was (at least in this alternate universe world) a real Fluttershy pony just a shell created around a shape shifting bug by combining the colours of two Pegasus, as the prologue explains. The question is, is Fluttershy's pony personality and changeling queen personality different or one and the same? well that's a question that will be answered soon.

Once again thank you guys for the support, I'm always willing to answer question posted in the comments if I can or the answer isn't a big spoiler. I'm hoping to get the new chapter out this week so keep your eyes open!



Chapter 2 the arrival.

Eh.. Well I liked the beginning well enough and the second one was good enough but really had to wonder about adding the "children" as I've seen enough of the Changings to know they can act on their own and there is no reason why they would be like their mother but I shall reserve judgment until more chapters are out...

...Is that giant block of blankness at the end really necessary? :rainbowhuh:

Other than that, interesting start and I'm curious where this is going.

I'd really recommend an editor, though. You have a lot of little errors (capitalization mainly) that a few extra eyes probably would have spotted.

That aside though, I really hope to see this continued. I've seen 'Fluttershy is a changeling queen' before, but never with a swarm of her own; not in a serious story, at least.

changing queen?

Errors in the description is not good.

And that title is seriously lacking in Capital Letters.

Interesting...

Changingwinter gained Achievement: [Interest Gained!]

It's good! But do you need/want an editor? I cant work full time every day but once in a while i could if u want :twilightsmile:

I'll give advice and point out any typos for you. I think the first one is this or maybe not depends on you but don't display actions with this "Smash" use something like this *Smash*. also don't display thoughts with the quotations use something like this 'What am i doing here?'
this seem like it is going to be a really interesting story. I can't wait to see the different perspective of fluttershy being a changling.

some boring noble too caught up in there own world to care about us."

This word should be their.
This is by all means a good chapter.

I am absolutely loving this story! Please, do continue.

surround Fluttershy before soring above

soaring.

Under this magic fire Fluttershy's body began changing growing larger

Commas after "fire" and "changing".

larger till she stood only a little shorter than princess Celestia,

"until" not "till". Till should only be used in dialogue, until is the correct word (similar to ain't and aren't). Capitalize "princess".

As the green fire gave way Fluttershy revealed

Comma after "way".

a changeling queen mother of a changeling hive.

Redundant. Remove "mother, as a queen of a hive is generally regarded as the mother unless otherwise stated.

a queens first duty is always to her subject's.

Should be "queen's" and "subjects".

echoed through the twisting cave alerting all

Comma after "cave".

its inhabitants to the queens arrival.

"queen's".

"I'm happy to see you too children" Fluttershy replied a tear escaping

Commas after "too", "children", and "replied".

her eye this is what she did it for the emotion stealing, the hiding, the trickery,

Period after "eye", capitalize "This", and a colon after "for". Preferable, but not necessary, change "what" to "who" because this sentence is referrring to the changelings, which are beings, not objects.

herself from her children and called softly,
"Primrose please stand forth," a single changeling stood to attention
"Ready and waiting my queen."

The first and second line should not be separated, and stay as one line. There should be a space between lines two and three to indicate separate paragraphs, so as to match the rest of the chapter.

"Excellent Primrose," replied Fluttershy "Just a routine hive check-up today, first lets see what we have too eat ."

Comma after "Fluttershy". It should be a period after "today", not a comma. Capitalize "first". Should be "let's". Replace "too" with "to". And remove the space between "eat" and the period.

"My queen," Primrose called "Currently

Comma after "called"

or is feeding the entire hive is singing

Period after "feeding". Capitalize "the".

but," her ears drooped "We'll still run

Comma after "drooped".

given to her freely was ok but it needed to be positive emotions.

Replace "ok" with okay". Comma after "okay".

So if pony's stopped liking her she would have to feed of emotion by force but that hurt the pony being drained and there was no way Fluttershy was going to hurt innocent.

"ponies" not "pony's" (plural form). Commas after "her" and "force". "innocent" should either be "the innocent" or "innocents".

"My queen," sighed primrose "I know your worried but things

Comma after "primrose" and "worried". Capitalize "primrose". "You're" not "your".

"Thank you Primrose, lets be here

"Let's"

As the two left the chamber one of the glowing

Comma after "chamber".

forth as changeling nymph's and serve

nymphs

changeling larvae D.N.A using

DNA

my queen in the story of the grea-

Quotation mark at the end.

"look over there!" Fluttershy

Capitalize "Look".

shaky voice "ma-mama?" Fluttershy smiled bent down and hugged her new child.

New paragraph needed for each speaker. Capitalize "Ma-mama?"

Primrose smiled "I love my job," she thought "your majesty," primrose said trying to get Fluttershy's attention "I just got

Commas after "smiled" and "attention". Use something to differentiate between thoughts and dialogue, whether by italics, bolding or some other method. Capitalize "Primrose".

the stone hatchery doors "I have uncovered

Comma after "doors".

you got use to his panic stricken over exaggerated entrance's.

"used" not "use", and "entrances".

"Oh great mother of the hive" Rotor Wing Began "I Have discovered which pony will be organizing the Summer Sun Celebration"

Comma after "hive" and "began". "began" should not be capitalized. Period after "Celebration".

what if the pony some how knew about changelings! what if they swept the town with some kind of anti-changeling spell and found the hive? what if they brought princess celestia here? what would she do?

Capitalize all beginnings of sentences.

"Mother I can sense your freaking out spilling over the hive mind" Primrose said calmingly "Its probably some boring noble too caught up in there own world to care about us."

"Calmingly" is not a word, replace with "calmly". Commas after "Mother", "mind", "calmly". "their" not "there".

"is twilight sparkle...."

Capitalize all names, even when tiny.

e're doomed!"
"Everyling run for your lives!"
"abandon hive!"

Capitalize all sentence beginnings.

When everything come's to chaos and order falls apart, when fear kicks in and anarchy takes hold.

"comes". New sentence after "apart".

changelings around her failed she suddenly stood up and took control, this was one of those times.

Run on sentence.

"Yes my queen" the voice's of changelings responded in unison again, untied under one mother.

"voices". "united", not "untied".

"Now lets plan our course of action for how to deal with twilight sparkle, and no we can not capture her.

"let's". Capitalize all names. Comma after "no".

Overall, your grammar is shoddy. Frequent non capitalizations of names and sentences., lacking of commas throughout your writing, messing up use of contractions, apostrophes, and plurals. And frequent run ons.

Please get an editor, or at least a proofreader. Or read the writing guide. I am totally not doing this again. Please at least read over your own writing and fix your mistakes before submitting.

As for the story, it's meh. Average so far.

"Twilight sparkle's coming!"

"Celestia's personal prodigy and a powerful mage? We're doomed!"

"Everyling run for your lives!"

"Abandon hive!"

I can see that these guys are a chip-off-the-old-block from Flutters, eh? :)
Ha! I can't wait to see what happens next. :)

I love the fact that you're making this story based off the first episode just that you're making it from Fluttershy's point of view as a changeling queen.

This is a really great story keep up the good work and you'll get a watch from me :3

This has an interesting premise, but could use a lot of proofreading. Tracking just the same.

Interesting premise, my only real complaint so far is that it's odd for Fluttershy to be keeping everyling all cooped up. At least, it seems that way.
Keep going! ;)

Are there any plans to complete this story? I ask because I am going to favorite this because the plot behind it sounds interesting. HOWEVER, until it is completed, I am going to give it a thumbs down. Because while I may approve of the plot behind the story, I DO NOT approve of the fact that it has been 1 month, 2 weeks and 3 days since the last update. I mean, I understand that greatness can't be rushed, but needing 48 (okay, this is going to seem EXTREMELY pushy. My sincerest apologies.) days in order to update the next chapter means one of three things. A: You've given up on the book (this is the most likely scenario). B: You’re too busy to write any more (this is understandable). Or C: You're dead (this is a scenario with a 50% probability chance, seeing as how people die every day.) If option C makes you feel uncomfortable than that means two things. You are obviously not dead, and I am sorry for having that as one of the three possibilities. Also, don’t give up! Your fans deserve better! I, of course, meant that in the best and most encouraging possible way. (This comment has been copied and pasted for the sake of saving time, HOWEVER the plot behind your story does sound interesting, the only reason that I mentioned the fact that it has been copied and pasted for the sake of saving time is because it is usually used for stories that have been sitting for a much longer period of time, for example, stories that have been sitting for 2 years, 4 months, and 29 days [i only say this in case I sound unduly pushy]).

I LOVE your story, hope to see more soon. I bet flutters will be surprised to be the element of kindness.

5615234 i hope more chapters for this story comes out too

and rainbow dash

Rainbow Dash - Don't forget capitalizing names.

primrose rolled her eyes a little

Primrose - Names should be capitalized.

Good start. Hope you continue the story.

recount his entire life story, although she was here to stop herself from looking suspicious. She still found it very interesting.

Should be:

recount his entire life story, and although she was here to stop herself from looking suspicious, she still found it very interesting.

Otherwise it doesn't make sense.

...Changeling nymph (SO CUTE) Filly Fluttershy (Number one cause od Daawwwwwww's) = THE MOST PERFECT CUTE BOMB

Ahh a pre-cannon Mumma-Shy fic, I don't see meny of those.

Liking this... :pinkiehappy:
Could probably benefit from an editor though. And updates... :pinkiesmile:
Good start to an interesting story though! :pinkiehappy:

Yay! A update! It's good to see the story alive again. I can't wait to see what's next!

Glad to see this being worked on, great chapter and I look forward to more. Interesting idea giving the elements a kind of consciousness, don't think I have seen that very often. Hopefully you don't disappear again as I really want to know what happens next.

So good to have this marvelus story back.

Thanks for coming back to life.

Just found this story, and I have to say it's an excellent idea. However, there's a load of grammatical and spelling errors that detract from the story.
One example is that you have paragraphs in which multiple characters speak back to back, which makes it hard to read. Another example is the lack of commas when needed, as well as a large number of minor spacing errors.

I hope these errors are fixed, because this story has the makings of something amazing, and I'd hate to see it go to waste.

Loved that Snow White reference!

That was interesting. I can't wait to see the next part!

7209867

I'm really sorry about my grammatical mistakes but...
its really hard for me to spot them. Lets just say I have problems with that.

If I was able to see the grammatical mistakes I would gladly but the time effort and dedication to fix them and if I see any I will fix them...

They're just really hard to spot.

I like to think my grammar has also improved as chapters have gone on, especially with the whole "characters speaking back to back" thing.

I really hope I doesn't stop you from enjoying the story as I have put a lot of effort in to what I do, but if it does then I'm really sorry.

I'm doing all I can given the time and resource constraints I have.

Also I do thank you for both the praise and the criticism, it shows me that your not the kind of person who just hates on something unreasonably only saying stuff like "It's bad" or I hate this stupid".

So yeah, I really appreciate that.

I still continue to love this. I have a feeling this is leading up to a big reveal soon I'm guessing. Like maybe a canterlot wedding episode reveal. Think about it changeling vs changling :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

The only song I could think of as soon as the words 'dig' and 'song' came up in close proximity.

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