• Member Since 18th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

OnionPie


I'm nothing special, but I am trying.

T
Source

Five years of cheap thrills in the big city have left Sweetie Belle in bad debt with dangerous ponies. Forced to pay up, she returns to Ponyville to seek money from an estranged sister she loathes with a passion.

Featured on Equestria Daily October 6, 2015
Non-spoiler review by Paul Asaran

Chapters (10)
Comments ( 137 )

One of the most polished first chapters I've ever read on this site. An amazing start to what's sure to be an incredibly profound story.

6322062
Thank you so much for the help with it. I would be blind without a good proofreader.

This was a riveting read and I wish you luck with future writing endeavours.

6322074
Thanks! I'm looking forward to helping you out with your writing soon.

OOoooh I can't wait to read this!

Sweetie Belle needs to be thrown into rehab. And learn some manners :pinkiecrazy:

Powerful. I like some of the tweaks you've made since the last draft I read. The end result is captivating and well-balanced.

6322143
I hope you'll enjoy it. Let me know what you think. Any feedback, negative or positive, is highly appreciated.

6322145
She most certainly does. I'm sure her sister has more than a few things to say about it.

A very interesting and well written story by an author that truly cares about quality and will go to great lengths to get people's opinions and their criticisms in order to improve the story. It's been an honor to be one of your proofreaders and will hopefully be able to help with other stories. :pinkiehappy:

6322275
I really appreciate the kind words. Your feedback has been very valuable. I'll definitely call on you again when my next story needs proofing.

you need the AU tag on this, there's nothing about FiM in this

6322489
Thank you for the suggestion, but I don't feel that that that's necessary when it's set in the future. Same universe, just things having changed a lot over time. Many fantastic fics are set in a future that is very different from the show we're used to, and they don't need an AU tag at all. I will grant you that it is tonally and thematically very different from the show, of course, but the Dark tag covers that. I wrote Sweetie Belle as someone who has made a lot of bad choices in her life and struggles with the weight of them, but in her heart she wants what most ponies want, making it more than possible to sympathize with her. Are you finding it difficult to enjoy the story?

Yet another fantastic creation, OnionPie. Even after proofreading several versions of this story several times, I still found it to be an extremely grabbing and intense experience in the end. The fact that you managed to take what's usually a typically innocent character and successfully have her experience a harsh version of reality still astounds me. I am so thrilled for you and I congratulate you on another successful publishing.

P.S. Dat imagery, tho.

6322517 Very much so.

do you really think any of the other Mane 6 would let Rarity pretend she didn't have a sister? Do you think that Rarity could maintain a space in high society if she'd had some sort of split with a princess which I have to think would result from an argument like that?

Hell, these thugs are threatening to murder someone who is two steps away from a ruler of Equestria. That's a little hard to believe

6322576
I am sorry to hear that the story isn't working for you. Thank you for taking the time to read it regardless. I appreciate your feedback. To address your concerns, there is a big difference between telling others that you do not have a sister and neglecting to mention it to new individuals you meet during your ascending in wealth and status--in Rarity's case, it's the latter; her social circles has changed over the years, and she has simply not mentioned her immediate family to the new ponies she's met due to a combination of embarrassment and painful memories. I find Sweetie Belle entering her life again to be a very interesting source of conflict because of this.

If you have any other questions, feel free to ask. :twilightsmile:

6322576 And again by now Sweetie has her Cutie Mark and it's not set in the normal show time. Unless we ACTUALLY see what the future of FIM is then this isn't a AU.

6322607
I've released the fourth chapter now if you're interested in reading on. It's one of my favorite parts of the story.

6322605 the way I see it though, famous people are talked about and even in Equestria scandal sells

6322662
I'm sorry I didn't manage to suspend your disbelief on this. It's not an issue that I saw or that any of my proofreaders pointed out. There is a lot that could happen in the time-span between the show and this story, and aside from the answers I provide that have relevance to the story, I leave most of it to the reader's imagination. Again, thank you for your feedback. Maybe you should proofread my next one; you seem to have a good eye for things to point out.

well this should be intrsting. Hi Onionpie

6322831
Hello there. Welcome to Onionland. Enjoy your stay.

6322576
I personally think the tone and content of the work is enough to inform the reader that the golden age of the mane 6 has passed, and that not everything is so happy and beautiful.

6322994 unfortunately, I need reasons for things like that to happen.

6323086 Reasons beyond the fact they just grew apart? Sometimes that happens. REALLY close friends stick together but outside that? They tend to just drift away.

6323225 and you would not classify all of the Mane 6 as really close friends?

6323319 I would say if given the correct circumstances, such as technology and society moving on, they would start falling apart once they start living their dreams. Rainbow would be a Wonderbolt, Applejack would run the family buisness, Pinkie would be travelling every where bringing smiles, Fluttershy would run a clinic, Twilight would be WAY too busy being a Princess and Rarity.... well we're seeing her's. One of the richest mares in Equestria.

6323328
6323319
This is an interesting discussion. You both make good points. But I think simply agreeing to disagree is the best option at this point. I'm glad to hear that it makes sense to you, VampDash. And I'm sorry I failed to suspend your disbelief, Garfan. Thanks for your input. I'll definitely keep this in mind for my next story.

6323376 Very well sir and/or ma'am.

6323086
Fanfiction is literally the playground of creative types that enjoy a work. A story should *not* be bogged down with contrivances and explainations just to bridge every single gap between the original work and the derivative content. Stories like "What if Rarity and Sweetie Belle grew apart?" are perfectly valid and should be able to be told simply for the value of the interesting situations and developments that could be as a result of this one stipulation.

And besides, there IS an explanation. Sweetie Belle fell hard into drugs and was a literal leech on her sister for much of her childhood. The happy memories they had together were trounced by that. And if you've ever dealt with people hopelessly addicted to drugs in real life like I have, you'll know that a truly good friend will tell you to cut your losses and stop suffering because someone is taking advantage of your generosity. Just because the specifics of what the other mane 6 did as a result of Sweetie's problem aren't apparent isn't a reason to discount and discredit the story, to the point of calling it an "AU". It's literally just you sticking hard to your presuppositions about what the MLP world is really like without any consideration for creative extrapolation.

Nothing you've said so far is particularly productive; if some crazy AU existed where the author listened to your advice and implemented it before publishing the story, it would only be more bloated and unweildy as a result, not actually improved in any significant fashion.

6322731 I thought I asked about it at some point. I can understand wanting to know. The tacit explanation of people naturally drifting apart over time is at once both logical and emotionally dissatisfying. But at the same time, I ultimately made my peace with the decision to have it be this way due to where the story ends up going.

It ultimately doesn't matter why they drifted apart. Nor would it matter to call this an AU or not. The story makes it worthwhile regardless.

6323417
6323730

My presuppositions are a key part of liking things, when I am a fan of of something it usually means I like their standard characterization, most of the cast, and the settting. I am not a fan of changing character to fit plot, right now Rarity and Sweetie Belle seem to far from how I can ever see them being, with no explanation

6324269

My presuppositions are a key part of liking things, when I am a fan of of something it usually means I like their standard characterization ... I am not a fan of changing character to fit plot

Again: I understand wanting to know more. I think you raise a good point about the nature of fanfiction introducing tension between characterization and plot. But in this case, I think this story is stronger for being free from the show's usual characterization. And in the end, everything the fans write is technically in an AU.

Regardless, this may be a sign that this story may not be your cup of tea. (Certainly if the plot thus far isn't reaching you, later developments will not.) The good news is that there are many other stories that fit the established mold. I could pimp some of my own here, but that would seem in poor taste given that this is OnionPie's moment. :twilightsmile:

well things are certainly heating up (dun dun tisss) pun intended:pinkiehappy: also RIP mayor mare we knew you not very well.:pinkiesad2:

Bloody cliffhangers....

6325275
Lucky you, the next chapter is out now. Enjoy.

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I don't want to go to sleep yet! I must read more!

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But I'm so tired...

6325366
Looks like you just went to sleep. I'm releasing the last chapters now. I hope you enjoy them in the morning.

Oh...... oh damn.... I-I didn't expect this outcome..... well done sir.

6325540
Thank you. And thanks for reading. How do you feel?

6325570 Conflicted and sad due to the fact that it STILL seems that Sweetie Belle and Rarity never patched things up.... but I'm glad Chuck-Chuck got offed.

6325574 They kinda did, I think. At least as much as they could. I personally hate suicide, but this story made me empathize with Rarity's feeling that it was too late for anything else, even if I might hope someone in a similar situation might seek help instead of making that choice. But for me, that feeling of empathy carries much of the story's impact and power.

I know its what she wanted but CURSE YOU!!! HOW DARE YOU KILL RARITY YOU COULD HAVE HAD A SWEET ENDING BETWEEN SISTERS!!!! still its a good story all in all. I approve.

6326961
Thanks for reading. I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it despite the sad ending. I love tragedy.

6327081
Just the way I like it.

6325478 The best way to wake up. ^.^

Ironic deaths are always fun choking on your own poison and Rarity taking the selfish way out.

Yep, that story was pretty messed up, damn good to.

Many tears have been had... again. I think I already gushed about what an incredible, heartbreaking story this was, so I'll spare you this time. (Even though it was really beautiful and painful and magnificent and I'm just dying over here.:raritydespair:)

6327509
Maybe I should change my name to CoffeePie. Always glad to be of service in the morning.
6327622
I'm glad you enjoyed it. There is a lot of symbolism and irony in the story if you have a good eye for it.
6328526
No, no, please don't hold back the gush. I never really got to ask you what you thought and felt about the story in detail. Please let it spill. I would love to hear. Just make sure to use 'spoiler'

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