• Member Since 18th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

OnionPie


I'm nothing special, but I am trying.

T
Source

The Apple sisters fall down a well and can't get out.
They argue about what truly matters in life
as rain falls and the water slowly rises around them.

Featured on Equestria Daily August 7, 2014
Audio reading by Crafty Arts

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 141 )

Wonderful and touching. Really gives a quite a notable lesson. Well done, and thanks for sharing! :rainbowkiss:

4720387
Thank you so much for all the support! You've done wonders for my morale. Stay wonderful!

Did AJ die? That's what I want to know. Short and kinda sad story. This might get on the feature box. Maybe. Probably.

4720427
You tell me what happened to her. I'd say the answer is fairly obvious, though. Heh. Thank you for your kind probably maybe words about the feature box. I really doubt it'll get that far. Knowing my luck this story will probably end up buried. But thanks a lot for reading!

Nice fic. My favorite part where she reminisced about her dad, and the odd detail she could remember. Felt quite real- in the way people usually remember odd, irrelevant, things about people they once knew. I think Applebloom's voice was a little strong, and the childish manner in which she spoke and acted, didn't flush well against the first person narrative, which felt quite disconnected from the Applebloom in the story. Other than that, good show, and well done.

4720724
Thank you for the feedback! Could you elaborate on the note about Appleblooms voice being a little too strong for the first person narrative? I'm under the impression that strong, unique voice, (including childish) is what suits first person narrative best.

4720968
Yeah, that's completely fine, and you're right- a distinct voice IS what first person narrative needs. What I was getting at was that her voice is, at times, too full of force and grit for Applebloom. Take this for example:

"The well vomits me out, and I splash down on muddy ground, gasping like a stranded fish. Lightning flashes and thunder cracks. I lie dazed for a moment, feel the wind claw at my sore body. I force my eyes open and blink away the salty wet. Heavy rain falls down in puddles and leaves and mud, an endless chorus of crushing, deafening cold."

I can't help but read it in some hard-boiled noir detective voice. It's quite strong in comparison to the childish manner in which Applebloom speaks in the dialogue. Hope that helps.

4721041
This does help, thanks! I see what you mean. There is a bit of a contrast between Applebloom's voice during the buildup and her voice towards the ending. It's challenging to keep it consistent when the tone of the story shifts so dramatically in such a short amount of time, but it's definitely something I can work on in the future. Thank you!

4722062
Sounds like a good reaction to me.

4723290 wouldnt they just have floated up as the water rose?:derpyderp2:

4723588
AJ was stuck and AB wasn't. AJ was also injured, so staying above water would be difficult. Sorry.

4723726 i would of pulled till my leg broke:pinkiecrazy: then again i have hands

Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. I broke down at the end. You should really write more sad one-shots like this.

4724921
Aww, you're far too kind, but thank you! Yours is the one reaction I wrote the story for in the first place, so consider this fic dedicated to you! All I wanted was for a single stranger to read it, love it, and shed a little tear at the end. I'll definitely keep on writing, that I can promise you. Thank you for taking the time to read and share your reaction; I appreciate it tremendously.

4725429 Of course. Thanks. I hope to see more stories like this sometime in the near future. This and Tears of an Empty Sky were absolutely brilliant.

A journey finally spilled out for the public to see. Good job getting there and good job with the story.

4726057
Thanksies! I'll be sure to drag you along when my next fic needs some proofing. Good times.

Wow. That was really, really good.

4769124
You think so? Which part did you like the most?

4769921 I hate when people ask me that. I just like it, okay?

4770046
I'll take it! Thanks for taking the time to read it. I'm glad you liked it for whatever raisins.

4771100 I liked it for a lot of raisins.

4773121
Them raisins hurt so good.

4720446
Not likely to be buried now that it has appeared on Equestria Daily.

Comment posted by KingDaddyDiscord deleted Aug 8th, 2014

Skip to 1:30

Sound familiar? Great story, mate. Do more like this!

Decent story. Good lesson, common outline of a tragedy, all around well-written.

heck #29 · Aug 8th, 2014 · · 1 ·

Welp, this is great. I love a good tragedy, and this is a damn good tragedy at the very least. And it only gets worse the more you think about it. It's all but said that Granny's going to die sometime in the near future (losing a granddaughter sure isn't gonna help), which leaves Big Mac and Applebloom alone on Sweet Apple Acres. I can't see them owning that place for very long, what with all the crippling grief and sadness they'd both be going through. Plus (and especially relevant seeing as Big Mac's being portrayed as... not the sharpest tool in the Ted) from a logistical viewpoint, half the workforce is gone, there's funerals to pay for and farms need a fair bit of paperwork in order to run, paperwork that Mac doesn't seem capable of doing in this universe. Prospects aren't looking good. :twilightoops:

I'm also gonna go out on a limb and say that the colours of those cutie mark apples are red, green and orange. Fantastic message there, but I can't imagine how it would feel, turning around every day and seeing representations of two people you loved who are no longer with you. Especially given the nature of AJ's death. Oh, and the guilt. Oh god the guilt. Poor Applebloom, seriously.

I need to stop thinking about the ripple effects of this story right now. I'm sure I'll think of more when I'm trying to sleep

Now this is totally inconsequential to my feels and enjoyment, but I did find two errors.

I let go off my ears, feel a jolt of pain when I crane my stiff neck to look up. "Oh..."

Should be of.

Wiona’s on her leash, and I doubt Granny will be up and about this late."

I think you accidentally an n.

You know, seeing as this story not only has a beautifully executed moral, but made me feel and got me thinking for half an hour (big ticks on the tragedy check list), I think I'll change my rating of "damn good" to "fucking phenomenal". You wove canon and your own ideas in so well I'm actually a bit in awe. Particularly the whole "AJ and AB got their cutie marks for the same thing" bit. Also the whole "the last night AJ spent alive was spent living up to that cutie mark, teaching Applebloom about it and ultimately giving AB her own, then dying living up to it even more" bit. Also also the train brakes at the end good lord that's how you end a story.

Somehow I doubt Applebloom's wanting to get on that train anymore.

I'd write more but it'd really just be "u did this gud", "dat meaning doe", "u so gud omg" etc. You're a damn good writer and I hope to god you'll keep doing it. Plus, judging by the tags on your other stuff, you write everything I love, so I'mma hit that follow button and get to reading 'em.

Wow, that was... shockingly sad.

4817108
It's a strange world we live in, full of surprises. I truly am overwhelmed by the positive response to this story. I was so certain it'd fall flat and get buried. Funny how it turned out. Definitely motivating.


4817469
Hard to miss the similarities there, heh. Thanks for sharing the video. I love tragedy, so you can be sure that I'll do more of it, though I will of course try to vary the tone and endings of my stories to keep you on your hoof-toes. I appreciate the kind words. Thanks!


4817598
Short, sweet, and to the point. I appreciate the honesty of your reaction. Sounds like I'm moving in the right direction as a writer, but I'll always have a long way to go, so I'll definitely keep working on getting better. Thank you.

4818340
That's the best reaction I could have hoped for. I'm glad to hear you found something in it to like (or be sad about). Thanks for sharing your reaction.

4818209
Wow. Let me just start by saying that your comment means more to me than my story could possibly have meant to you. It's an incredible feeling when someone not only likes something you've put your heart into it, but actually understands it too. I am truly humbled. Thank you!

It's wonderful how you feel a need to think about what would happen next after the curtains fell in the story. Your speculation is very close to my own view of what would happen next. Fun fact, during the writing of this short story, I considered turning it into a three part series, where the second part would revolve around Apple Bloom and Big Mac being left alone on the farm. I don't know if I will end up writing a followup, but if I do, it will most likely be more of an independent short story in its own right instead of a sequel.

I fixed the two errors you pointed out. Thank you for mentioning them.

You can rest assured that I will keep writing. My next published story will likely be a Sweetie Belle and Rarity story I'm working on since my last two stories were about the CMC and their relation to their sisters, and this SB fic would complete the circle. At the time I write this comment, I'm about 8-9 thousand words into its the first draft, and I'm working actively on it.

As for my previously published stories, they don't exactly get better the older they are. You'll be able to see how much I've improved as a writer between them. Lots of people seemed to like them, but if you don't, don't worry, I'll write you some new ones that are up to (and hopefully above) your current quality expectations of me.

Oh, and we can totally be friends, if you'd like.

That ending.... :pinkiesad2: it's just so.... :pinkiesad2:

4818594
Your comment... It's just so...

Thank you for reading. I love you.

Wow, I loved this story, It's the perfect blend, sad, but a little uplifting if that makes sense, I'm recommending it to all my brony friends

4818665 :raritystarry: I love you, too! Onion Pie, Will you.. Come to my cookie kingdom and write more stories? :pinkiehappy: Come to the darkside... We have cookies :pinkiecrazy: (I don't even know anymore XD) :rainbowlaugh:

4818745
I'm very happy you enjoyed it. It's awesome that you're willing to share it with your friends. Gotta spread the love and sadness. Thanks for reading.


4818804
I would love to come to your cookie kingdom and write more stories. I love me some cookies. But don't you worry; I'll write more stories no matter where I am. You can count on that. Go get yourself an avatar, by the way. That ghost face of yours is scaring the children.

4818848 The ghost face scares you, eh? :pinkiecrazy: :rainbowlaugh: I'm working on it, I'm playing around with some designs for my OC, I'm almost finished. Then I will have an avatar :D

4818432
And this response makes your story all the better. Authors like you are just the best people. Humbled? Thanking me? Please, all I did was read your story. You wrote it. Thank you.

There's just something I love about looking closely at something I enjoy. Finding and understanding (or trying to) all the little things an author throws into their work is just so rewarding. Almost as rewarding as the feeling of being that author and having people "get it". Sometimes I swear studying literature has ruined me.

And wow, now that you mention it, you could do so much with a sequel (or sort of sequel). As it is, the story stands perfectly on its own. All those ramifications really add to the tragedy, but they're never actually important to the story itself. The focus and the message is never about what happens after, instead everything's about Applejack and Applebloom and family and the well. It's all so neatly wrapped, and nothing that is needed is left unsaid. Which in most cases mean that it should be left alone. But there's just so much potential here, not just for a cheap continuation of this story, but for something new that is both it's own thing and, rather than detracting from the original, adds something worthwhile. Damn, there's so many possibilities. There's the psychological aspect, with Mac and Applebloom dealing with all that... everything, the reactions of the town, specifically the remaining Mane Five and the CMC, the Apple family stubbornness... All unnecessary here, but holding so much promise for another great story with a different focus.

I think I've just realised that need to start writing again. Now I just need to find the time.

Seeing as you've cemented yourself as a bloody great writer right now, I'm pretty excited for how you're going improve between this and everything else you have planned. I'm sure it'll be far above all my expectations. I'll also make sure to read your past stories as well. Hopefully sometime tomorrow when I'm not completely inundated with life. Cos right now is naptime.

And absolutely yes. Super friends fo lyfe. :pinkiehappy:
Feel free to drop me a line whenever.

4819061
Again, thanks for the big response. I'll keep mine here short because you've gotten me all hyped up for writing. You should definitely do some writing of your own; sounds to me like you'd be awesome at it.

Since you enjoy looking into what's written between the lines of a story, I thought I'd let you know a little something that helped inspire this story. When I first decided what the story would be about, I was reminded of an instrumental piece based on a hymn called Nearer My God To Thee that is supposed to have been played by a band on the Titanic as it was sinking. Now mind you, I'm not a religious person, nor is the story supposed to have any kind of religious undertones, but I looked up the origins of the song and thought the verse the hymn was based on interesting. Here, from Genesis: 28:11–12:

"So he came to a certain place and stayed there all night, because the sun had set. And he took one of the stones of that place and put it at his head, and he lay down in that place to sleep. Then he dreamed, and behold, a ladder was set up on the earth, and its top reached to heaven; and there the angels of God were ascending and descending on it..."

Spot the similarities? It's an obscure reference, but I really like the instrumental version of the hymn, so I weaved it in. A little piece of myself, if you will. I never intended to tell anyone, but there you go.

No. Bad author. It's too early in the day to make me start crying. :applecry:

4819288
Making someone cry from my writing is the greatest achievement I can imagine for myself. It's incredible how squiggles on a piece of paper can make us feel so alive. Literature truly is the best drug. Please tell me more about your reaction. I'd love to hear which part of the story moved you and why.

Hello, this is my first and possibly one of few posts on here. I created an account solely to give you feedback because I read this beautiful fanfiction and I really loved it, and saw you seemed to want some response more than what you had received so here goes!

Let me start off by saying I don't read much fanfiction. I mean, I've read the really famous ones like Rainbow Factory, My Little Dashie...ones that you can't toss a cupcake(*shot*) without hitting a reference to them anywhere in the fandom, you know? However, recently I've been following Equestria Daily rather closely because...I guess boredom before college starts back up in two weeks. The last fic they lead me onto was an old AJ one and I rather enjoyed that one as well so when I saw this fic pop up with the cover picture...I had to click it and give it a look.

I'm going to say right now that Applejack is my favorite mane six pony hands down for various reasons and to be honest I love the whole Apple Family, because of the family dynamics between them. Apple Bloom makes me d'aw every time I see her but so do the rest of the CMC.

So I started reading this story having a pretty good idea of what was going on, how it was probably going to end, that it was likely to make me cry... However all the same this surprised me in a few different ways. Like other people I love the random memory that AJ has of her father. Seems like such a small little thing and I wondered what was up with the title when I read it, but I probably won't forget it now, so that means something.

I think the ending slammed me in the heart and made my stomach twist the most. I just imagined her trying to find her sister in that murky dark well...AND THEN SHE GETS HER CUTIE MARK. I'm sorry but oh my gosh, I seriously had been imaging the whole thing in my head and that last paragraph broke my heart because of how the world seemed to keep turning though Apple Bloom is laying there in a shocked daze... I loved it. I just sat there for ten minutes quietly staring at my phone screen...Not often something makes me stop like that.I think the last pony related thing that made me stop and seriously think was this; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJYarOFBmT8 Don't watch/listen unless you have nothing that needs to be done shortly.
DARN YOUR WRITING, I WENT TO REREAD A FEW PLACES AND APPLE BLOOM...ohhhfdjkgjg "Nopony ever got a cutie mark from watching their Granny die." :x This just made the ending even more depressing and fated for me...Did you intentionally do that or was that a happy accident with dialogue? XD

Also I seriously thought how the other crusaders would respond if she had been the first to get her mark and it had been through these depressing means....Maybe Apple Bloom wouldn't even want the crusading to go on. I'm sure it'd be shattering for all of them to realize this whole thing happened because they were so excited to try and get their marks....I better stop over thinking this but seriously...*shot*

I'm going to have to read your other stories and I'm looking forward to your Sweetie Belle/Rarity fic too! :heart:

4821130
I hardly even know how to begin responding to your comment. I'm overwhelmed by the positive reaction you had to it. The only feeling I've had that surpasses what I feel when generous folk like you take the time out of your life to read my stories and enjoy it is when I myself consume a story that touches me on a profound level. My one desire is to share this feeling of heart-twisting wonder with others, and it truly enriches my life to hear that you have experienced that.

Thank you for sharing this with me. I appreciate it more than words can express.

4821228

Ha, I know it went on really long, I apologize but I'm glad you appreciated it!! I definitely got that feeling too. :3 Good luck on your future writings too, I forgot to say that!

4821235
Don't apologize; I love long comments, as much detail of your reaction as possible. I appreciate you following me too. I hope you stick around and read, favorite, and comment more stories (not just mine!); there are a lot of fantastic stories on this site if you know where to look. Since you've been so generous in sharing your thoughts, I'll give you a rough estimate of when my Sweetie Belle story will be ready. Release estimates are pretty much always bad to make because they're usually dead wrong, so take it with a grain of salt.

I'm 10,000 words into the first draft and currently working on the ending. I might get the first draft ready and in a readable state for alpha-readers by the end of this week. Completing the second draft might take another week, depending how well it goes. A third draft might be necessary, but it shouldn't take as long as the first two. So... hopefully I'll have it published for you to read sometime this month, probably in the last week. I'll work hard on it so it'll be done as soon as possible. Cheers.

4821284

Oooh that's exciting! I bet you'll have it done in a good time frame so I may read it in my first week of college being in again! :D (I go in the beginning of September) Thanks again, I'll be sure to comment again if I feel the need.

Don't worry, I've already added a ton of stories to my Read Later list. :scootangel:

Oh my Celestia! You killed Applejack! You bastard!

4823074
It was an accident.

Usually I don't like fics where characters die in a more show like setting, that said I actually enjoyed this one. Both Applejack and Applebloom talked in a way I would imagine them too and you made their interaction very realistic . And the little detail of Applebloom's cutie mark having the colors of her family was very nice :twilightsmile:

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