Book 1 of the Keeper Trilogy
You know when I started to have an existential crisis with questions like 'Why am I still a baby dragon?' or 'Why am I the only 'nice' dragon?' or even better 'What is my destiny?' I was not excepting nor did I want the answers given to me ala discordian riddling nonsense...
But NOoooooo... I have to deal with a mysterious voice that keeps visiting in my dreams, mocking me with his cryptic non-answering answers and insistence on calling me brother.
And when he does finally decide to meet me in person a darkness falls over Equestria. Once that makes the typical 'It's Tuesday morning in Ponyville' in which an over the top villain with an over the top maniacal laughter invades deciding that now is the time that he/she should take over the world blah blah blah seem like nothing. Maybe I should have kept my big. fat. mouth shut...
Editor: Ryunaker
Cover image credits: http://durpy.deviantart.com/ and http://amandaraquel.deviantart.com
You need... I don't know. Follow.
Mmmm.....
mmmm....
I see potential here. But there's something here that doesn't feel right.
I can say what it is since this is the first chapter so let see how the story continues.
I liked the beginning of this chapter.
Actually I was about to suggest you to use this one as your first chapter since it seemed to immerse the reader a little more than the actual first chapter.
As I kept reading though, again I noticed a certain lack of...something. And the fact that Spike's conversation with that voice was so fast just didn't do it for me.
Let's see how the next chapter goes.
Mmmm...
Ok, I think I can help you improve your story a little.
1) Your characters talk too often for really long periods of time.
That isn't necessarily a bad thing. I actually enjoyed some of the conversations, but it gets tiresome after a while.
Try to describe their actions in between their conversation. It'll help the readers to understand better what is going on.
2) Things happen incredibly fast.
It feels like you are trying to get somewhere incredibly fast giving other characters just the necessary amount of screen time.
Try to develop some characters a little more. Or maybe try to change the order of the events.
As I mentioned before, the beginning for the last chapter was really good. I was really getting into the story and its characters.
3) like in all the fics there are a couple of grammar and spelling mistakes. Unfortunately I cannot help you with those since my English skills suck!
Me wantz a hemburger nowz! <- clear example of how much my English skills suck.
4603292
Yeah I agree...
I have been considering revising/rewriting these chapters but I need a proofread/editor before I think I can make the correct corrections...
4603318
.... though I think I know of a way to fix some of the problems with the convos with the voice
That voice and how the conversations go with Spike are important
4603392
Dialogue is my strong suit... actions between that not so much
Thanks for the honest critique though...
You need some punctuation in the second to last sentence.
Maybe try: "Spike, you silly dragon. It's time to get up. It's your birthday, remember?" a female voice called out.
Other then that, I am liking what I see so far. Keep It up.
4639118
Thanks I probably would not have figured our where to but those commas
Okay. Continue.
FIRST COMMENT!
You don't just do that.
First comment.
Id like to be an editor of its okay with you
Wow, someone actually got Discord to do what he says completely? This should be interesting.
*salutes* I aim to please
I can't wait to here the story behind all of this.
Seriously, even DISCORD knows that some serious shit is gonna happen, and it possibly is gonna be too much for the Elements and the Royal Sisters COMBINED....
You know that things are getting real...
4603318
I think it was better faster because Spike didn't want to play any games. He wanted answers and wasn't going to beat around the bush. I prefer it exactly how it is: quick and to the point.
I'm just going to say this: Spike is possibly the last of a pre-dragon race of that second old-race... but that's just the first guess I had while reading that the part where he looked 'weirdly' at spike
4706010
Hmmmmm I think you might have your answer in the next chapter which one I get edited will be up very very soon
So... Harmony tells Spike that he needs to reconcile being a dragon as not being a jerk, implying he could stay true to what he thinks is good and still be a dragon. Then turns around and tells Twilight he's going to lose everything that makes him himself except whatever he started hoarding, and probably turn into a jerk anyway who will suddenly have violent triggers like if anyone calls him his old name or messes with his horde he will freak out and attack them.
That's... awful, yeah. I mean whoever Spike is now will basically be dead.
Well that explains a few thing's about Spike's situation and makes a lot of sense. Though I see things getting difficult when Spike loses his memories of his friends. I wonder just what is on the horizen that has even Discord on edge.
4764770
Harmony has a tendency to leave out the "more important" things when he speaks something in which Spike called him out for. You may need to read between the lines with anything Harmony says.
Remember Harmony himself admitted that he has only scratching the surface That includes the Hoard Name.
4764804
You seem to be quite interested in what Discord does especially when he's "Out of Charter" don't you?
I hope Spike becomes really strong
The tree died? That ain't good.
4770665
Considering the difference between a normal unicorn pony and an alicorn pony what do you think?
On a unrelated note my first negative YAY!
Open! The Tardis!
4776251
Okay it took me a bit to figure out what you meant
lol There is no blue box in this story... so no "The Doctor."
4776695 awww....the madgods insanity noticed hourglass....wabbajack has been used therefore my illogical logic must be correct.
4776734
You are sooo trying to get me to go all Twilight on you...
4776828 Im afraid madness and insanity cannot be disproven nor disproven
. If you know about who I am and my realm The Shivering Isles you would understand that bats are cats and te is also this's and that's, but pardon my ramblings, I'm busy doingvthe fishstick! It's a very difficult process you know.
4776914
LOL:
4777008 Twilight seems a bit...engulfed in different matters....maybe she would like a tiny riddle-speaking, nasty gesturing argonian to lighten her mood.
I wonder who the other two keepers are
Wow. He really liked her plot hair.
For all the Harmony things with Spike, the apparently-mandatory mindwipe/metaphorical death is still the concerning part...
4981939
We know who one of the two remaining Keepers are.
Of course the only ones who know for sure are Harmony and River Guardian... of course Harmony has yet to reveal either one to anyone besides River Guardian.
Yeah its causing concern all right and its going to blow up in Harmony's face
4981662
Really? Nova, really? Did you forget to read this chapter before commenting?
4981815
no... he saved Rarity's previous cutting and has it on displayed on a bust( with matching wig) in his hoard but he kinda of needed another cutting to properly have a full musttash (one half don't cut it)... River Guardian is a bit eccentric given his fascination with fashion (the river can be a great mirror) and ponies... I guess its good I have the story tagged teen
Discord?
This review was brought to you on behalf of Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Last Keeper of Harmony
Grammar Score: 3/10 - There are frequent misspellings and cases of missing punctuation throughout the few chapters I've read, enough of a problem that I can;t really point to any isolated examples or main issues with your grammar - it's just generally bad. Not so bad as to be completely unreadable, but it really needs work.
Pros: -The concept seems decently interesting.
Cons:
-The writing is incredibly subpar; in a lot of cases, I was unsure of what of what was happening and who was talking because nothing was really explained or described properly and the dialogue/thought attribution was just altogether missing.
-The pacing is bad; everything moves so quickly that I had little clue as to what was happening. The first chapter, for example, doesn't set the scene or explain who this 'colt' is or what kind of authority he has, and in the second chapter, the back and forth between Spike and the voice completely lost me.
-The dialogue is lacklustre and bland.
Notes: I would highly recommend submitting this story to W.R.I.T.E. (a group of the best reviewers on the site who will give you a hugely indepth critique of your story and how to improve it) or acquiring an editor from Overly Extensive Editors. This story needs a lot of work.
5035680
You weren't kidding about the missing punctuation! gah I can't believe I missed them that badly
Thanks for the review.
Try "aerosol"
Oh myyy!5047928
at least I can chalk it up to Discord randomness...
fixed it
This was obvious from the beginning
5056128
Wow. I didn't think I was being that transparent...
There can not be Harmony with out Chaos. One must know Chaos before they know Harmony. Just like one must know about sadness before happyness, or dark and light et cetera, et cetera.
5056761 Interesting...I did kinda of bring up something similar to that in an earlier chapter about chaos before harmony:
..... and I'm not saying anything else
This review was brought to you on behalf of Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Last Keeper of Harmony
Grammar Score: 5/10 - The grammar is a bit iffy in multiple places. It doesn't make it harder to read the story, but it is something that I'd recommend addressing. Having a close friend proofread your work can help fix those pesky grammar mistakes. That's what I do, since I'm not exactly a top-notch grammarian.
Pros:
-The concept seems intriguing and could be transformed into something great with some TLC.
-Spike's role fits well with the story, as he does need some more times to shine.
Cons:
-The writing is rather bland in my opinion. I'd like to have some descriptions of the setting to show the reader something. Speaking of which, you've probably heard of the phrase "show, don't tell". This story could benefit from more showing, though having some telling isn't a bad thing.
-The dialogue can get a bit bland at times. While not all dialogue is going to be important to the story, you can make it more interesting with the use of dialogue tags and showing how the characters react. One example of improving the dialogue is that instead of using all caps to indicate yelling, an exclamation point suffices and a strong dialogue tag and a showing of emotions can drive it home.
Notes: Everyone has to start somewhere, and you were really brave putting your work out there. There's a lot that needs work, but I can tell you put a lot of hard work into your story, which is a lot more than I can say than about some of the crap I've seen on this site. Keep striving to improve and never be afraid to ask questions in applicable group threads. We can't start out as good writers, but we can grow into better writers with more experience. Good luck on your future writing projects!
5065285
) well back to begging for an editor I suppose
(great time for it given that I'm stuck on the next chapter
)
Thanks for the honest review... It's probably would be what I would given myself (except for the grammar score as I probably would have a hard time noticing anything but waaaay obvious errors
Thanks Again!