A long drop and a sudden stop
The desert was hot and dry. The sun was punishing, unforgiving, and even cruel. One pony and two zebras took refuge inside of a small apartment, waiting out the heat of the day, the apartment part of a duplex made out of the thick adobe that was so common for construction in these parts.
The zebras were refugees from the northern Sea of Grass, which had fallen under the murderous claws of the rampaging griffons, and they had come to Equestria seeking peaceful refuge. Of the two zebras, there had once been three, but now there was only two. Such was the cost of their escape.
The pony was a unicorn, and she was kind and good, she had made friends with the zebra mare when they had met in Horseshoe Bay, when the zebra mare had taken the first few confused steps off of the boat.
She had been on the docks, looking for some kind of work. Times were hard and jobs were scarce. The flood of immigrants meant that many jobs had been filled. It was difficult to find work of any kind.
The two had quickly become fast friends, who took to looking after one another, and the kindly unicorn had become quite close with the zebra foal as well.
The unicorn had the odd name Quercus Alba, meaning white oak. Her father was a biologist and her mother was a botanist. In spite of both of them being very scientific sorts, they acknowledged that they had named their daughter more for the symbolism of the tree, which was a symbol of virtue and hope. She was pearlescent white, with a dark forest green mane and tail. Her eyes were grey, and, even in these troubled times, were full of laughter.
The zebra was named Rill Runner, or simply Rill, and she was beautiful. Her stripes were dark blue-grey and white, rather than the more common black and white. She had passed this trait on to her foal, who was named Shady Patch.
The two of them had come out to the desert, moving west from Horseshoe Bay, looking for work. And for a time, they both had found some. Menial manual labour, but it had been work, hauling gravel from a quarry to restore the main road running through town, the road that would eventually take one to Las Pegasus.
But the work had dried up, like it had in so many places, and they were now living on what little bit of money they had saved. Rent was due in a few weeks when the new month started. The cupboards were mostly bare, and there wasn’t much of anything left. They had discussed the prospects of moving to Las Pegasus, but both of them knew all too well the sort of work for mares that would await them there, and the desperation that would drive them to it. Neither of them wanted to do that.
Quercus was almost desperate enough to write to her parents and beg for help. Pride prevented this though, and pride was all she had left.
“But I don’t wanna go to school tomorrow, too gosh awful hot outside,” Shady Patch complained to his mother.
“Too bad,” Rill Runner replied despondently.
The zebra foal glared at his mother defiantly, and then ran away into the bedroom, the only bedroom, and slammed the door.
“I don’t know what to do with him Quirky,” Rill said, sighing heavily.
“He’s young. And it is hot outside. He’s bound to complain. He’ll be fine though, the walk is short. The morning walk isn’t too bad, but the walk home just past the noon hour is a bit harsh,” Quercus replied.
“I don’t know what we are going to do Quirky, I think we’re over a barrel,” Rill confessed. “There is no work. I don’t want to go to Las Pegasus. I know what awaits us there,” she added, looking glum.
“I’ve started filling out applications for jobs in other towns and mailing them off. Something will work out,” Quercus replied, ever the optimist.
“I wish I believed that. Things might work out for you, but I am a zebra. Every day I get accused of stealing somepony’s job or ruining Equestria and I don’t think I can deal with all of this rejection anymore,” Rill admitted, looking at her friend with wide now watering eyes.
“Aw, come on Silly Rilly, I promise, I’ll see us both through this,” Quercus promised, offering a half-hearted smile to her friend.
“I hate when you call me that,” the zebra griped. “And I can’t spend the rest of my life leeching off of you,” she added.
“But you are my only friend. I will carry you as far as I need to go until we find a place that both of us can get on our hooves together,” Quercus vowed.
“What if I needed you to look after Shady Patch? Would you? If something ever happened to me, would you look after him?” Rill asked, her eyes still wide and teary. Her ears were perked forward and the look on her face was one of intense concern, her bottom lip quivering with worry.
“Of course I would,” Quercus replied nervously, feeling troubled from seeing her friend in such turmoil. “I love him like he is my own, you know that,” the unicorn admitted, hoping to comfort her friend.
“I needed to hear that, thanks. I- I worry sometimes. His father died buying us time to escape. It is a reasonable fear I suppose. I can’t seem to shake what’s happened, and I want Shady Patch looked after,” Rill said, her voice trembling.
Quercus nodded.
“He adores you, you know that right?’ Rill asked.
“I know he does,” Quercus replied.
“I get so angry and hurt when ponies are cruel to him. He hasn’t stolen anypony’s job. He’s just a foal. I don’t know how much more I can take,” Rill mumbled, now crying completely.
“I know, let it all out,” Quercus said, hugging her friend and pulling her closer on the couch they were sharing. It was ratty and worn, and it had come with the apartment when they had rented it.
The zebra sobbed on her only friend's shoulder, her forelegs wrapped around Quercus’ neck. Quercus stroked her friend’s withers, trying to comfort the crying zebra. The bedroom door opened and a pair of eyes watched the crying mares, also filling up with tears as well.
The noonday sun was hot. Quercus moved slowly in the heat, hot gravel road beneath her hooves. She was sweating, but it evaporated almost instantly in the heat. She needed to get home and get indoors, away from the horrible desert sun.
She was ecstatic.
In her saddlebag was a letter stating that she had a job. A good job with excellent pay, pulling a library wagon in a town called Mustang Springs. The job also came with a home provided by the city. It was everything she could have hoped for.
Pulling a wagon full of books was easy compared to what she had been doing. She only had to work in the early mornings and late evenings, going to different parts of the town during different days of the week. Plus, a promotion meant getting a job inside of the library, which sounded ideal to Quercus.
Sure, her cutie mark was five small fire wisps, and she was a registered pyromantic unicorn, but there wasn’t much work for firestarters. She couldn’t put fires out, she could only start them. Cutie marks weren’t everything though, and she would gladly spend the rest of her life working in a library.
Nopony would ever return a book late to a pyromantic librarian she thought to herself, giggling slightly as she headed home.
After a long walk through the blistering sun that made her skin sting, she was finally home. She stood outside her front door, took a deep breath, and then pushed open the door, ready to share the good news.
“Silly Rilly, our troubles are over! I have a job! A good job and it comes with a house! We’ll have to move, but that shouldn’t be a problem. I’ll be getting paid enough that all three of us will be very comfortable!” Quercus announced, her voice a shout.
There was no reply.
Even asleep, Rill Runner should have heard her and woke up.
Confused and slightly worried, Quercus walked though the apartment, her hooves clicking faintly on the tile floor, the cool air indoors soothing on her skin. She peered into the bedroom, and saw the beds were all empty. The bathroom was zebra free. The small kitchen was empty.
There was no zebra to be found.
Quercus pushed open the back door and looked outside into the patch of sand that made up the back yard, and, as she pushed open the door, her heart lept up into her throat.
Hanging from a half dead tree was Rill Runner, a noose around her neck. Not far from her on the ground was a kicked over trash can. Rill hung, her tongue hanging out, her eyes still wide open, an expression of pain and fear still visible. Her bowels and her bladder had given way at the moment of her death, leaving her in a terribly undignified state.
Quercus slowly came to the painful realisation that her best friend, her only friend, was now gone forever. It was a devastating realisation, and she felt her heart break. It was a break she feared would never heal.
Behind her, she heard hooves clicking on the tile. She backed inside and quickly slammed the back door.
Whirling, she saw Shady Patch and their next door neighbor, the pony who rented the apartment that made up the other half of the duplex. The neighbor had helpfully walked both her foal and Shady Patch home from school.
“Go get help,” Quercus said, her voice wavering, nearly breaking. “I’ll look after the foals. There has been… there has been an accident with Rill in the backyard. Don’t go back there and look,” Quercus explained.
Shady Patch began to cry and wanted to see his mother. Quercus was unable to allow it, and she felt something in her insides rip when she told him no. She sat down and hugged the foal close, now sobbing, clinging tightly to the only thing she had left of her best friend. The two of them cried to together, the other foal watching, not comprehending, but also starting to cry as well.
Needlewood, the neighbor, slowly turned around and left to get help. Her foal, Roadrunner, fell into Quercus’ embrace, confused, not knowing what was going on, but needing comfort.
Epilogue
“So you get to keep me?” Shady Patch asked.
“Yes love, nopony is disputing Rill’s final wishes she left behind in her note,” Quercus replied.
“We have to go? I am going to miss Roadrunner,” Shady said, his head drooping down low.
“Yes love, we have to go, I have a job waiting for me in Mustang Springs. I can provide for you there, and we can try to heal from this together,” Quercus answered.
“I don’t understand why she did it,” Shady whimpered.
“I don’t either love, her note didn’t make that clear, but I know that she was in pain. I just wish I knew how much pain. I feel like I let her down. I feel like I should’ve seen this coming,” Quercus confessed.
“Quirky, you are my mom’s bestest friend. She loves you. You did all you could do,” Shady said, his words starting to trail into sobs.
Quercus couldn’t help but notice the foal’s use of present tense. She wondered if the finality of everything had sunk in yet.
The two huddled together, clinging to one another, seeking comfort from each other.
“Are you my mom now?” Shady asked.
“Do you want me to be, love?” Quercus answered with her own question.
“Yes Quirky, I need a mommy right now,” Shady said, burying his head into her neck and sobbing.
Quercus could not reply, but she held the foal tightly and hoped for a better future. Mustang Springs awaited.
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Nice work ya did.
Some people just can't handle the topic, as it IS a bit touchy.
4418000
Thank you.
It means the world.
Why the downvotes? This is a good story
I thought the writing was a bit bland and unengaging. But that was all. It is rather difficult to build a character and detail her desperation in such a short time.
Maybe you should have started this at the funeral and just did flashbacks or give details in dialog? Was it really necessary to create Quercus just to kill her?
Not hating, just commenting for your consideration.
Please, carry on.
4418107
Quercus is alive.
4418110 GAH! I meant Rill Runner.
4418133
I didn't feel right leaving this much story to exposition in PLSS. It broke the story down. I couldn't make the conversation option work. I tried.
So I tossed off a short story one off, and hoped for the best.
It is sudden, brief, and tragic.
But it lets you know where Quirky comes from. And why she has a zebra foal.
This was pretty good.
A great introduction to what I'm sure will be engaging characters in the main story.
I agree that this could have been written a bit better: it certainly stirred some emotions, but it could have been a lot more heart-wrenching and I'll admit that I was expecting something slightly more grimdark. Maybe a bit more time fleshing out the characters so we can empathize with them? I can understand why you wanted to keep this out of the main story, but it doesn't really seem like it warrants it's own as it is right now. Admittedly this is just my opinion and I'm not sure exactly how you'd go about improving it, but hopefully my vague observations help you a little.
4418107 4418661
I second these opinions. This reads more like a first draft, a backbone of a story rather than a completed work. It's...not up to your usual standards, Kudzu, in my opinion. There are many minor grammatical issues here as well, such as:
Unless she's asking the young foal if he'd like her to be the physical manifestation of love, there needs to be a comma in between "be" and "love". And so much of the dialog comes off as robotic, when it should be heartfelt. Lines like “I know, let it all out,” or “Yes Quirky, I need a mommy right now,”, rather than stirring much emotion, just feel trite here. There's just not enough time for these characters to come into their own here and gain their own voices, and not enough time for us to feel anything towards any of them. I'm glad to have the backstory for PLSS, but...I can't say that this work works very well, either as a standalone or a component of that tale. And honestly, I'm not sure this fic does much more than tell us:
I do hate to say it, but that's about all this story does for me right now – and that much, I'm sure, can/will be inserted into the main story. For this to stand alone, though the ideas are there, I think this is a case where you're telling us way too much, and showing too little.
Just my opinion, though, for what little it's worth. Hopefully my ramblings at this time of night are at least somewhat coherent.
4418959
All fair points.
I can fix the grammar errors if they are pointed out.
I was aiming for "brevity is the soul of wit" and I confess, I may have cut too deeply.
Sad, decent fic... enough said. XD No butthurt.
I don't like the amount of racism, but I can't dispute it. While Ponyville had never heard of zebras, I imagine that those closer to the Sea of Grass would be more familiar with them, and misguided resentment would more easily fall on zebras than other ponies. (After all, the moral of Hearth's Warming Eve is "get along with your fellow pony or spirits of cold and hate will kill us all." It says nothing about zebras.)
In any case, a well-written story of ultimate despair. I look forward to seeing how it ties in with Suicide Solutions.
4419632
The Sea of Grass lies beyond the sea, out near the griffon lands.
So... Foreigners.
I dunno, adds a realistic feel.
The only reason I read this is because you say this will be a major character in 'Princess Luna's Suicide Solutions'. I knew what was going to happen, but it still was a hard pill to swallow.
I will be going back to your other story now.
This story really lacked all impact, unfortunately. We had no reason to care about the Zebra, or any of these characters, so their death doesn't matter at all.
This is a terrifying reality many people face. Right before their salvation comes, they give up.
Moral of the story: Never ever ever give up.
4421235
Agreeing with this user. It was rushed and made me feel little.
I commented on PLSS about your 'showing, not telling' and it's far worse here. You shouldn't just tell us how they're feeling, you should show us through their expressions and behavior. In addition, there's hardly any sensory details, literally dialogue taking place in an empty room, without actual ponies there. It feels detached, so to say.
Your ideas are good, but your execution needs work. I can go into far greater detail, but only if you want it.
My only thought from reading this. "I know it's a personal question and don't feel obligated to answer but it really feels like you either have a slightly unhealthy obsession with suicide or you have been affected by it. Am I warm?"
I was driven to this thought because the "sequel" to this deals with suicide in quite a decant manner but this just felt like suicide for suicides sake.
4424625
You wouldn't be far off.
This was carelessly tossed off for the sake of back story filler. No matter how I tried to wedge it into PLSS, it felt wrong somehow.
So this felt like the right solution. I may be wrong.
4424628 Whatever floats your boat, I wish I could offer some constructive criticism but not being a writer makes it hard.
4418110 Thank you for including Zebras. Suggestions: Take the approach were they sterilize Zebra ways. Like eating foals.
Just saying
I think you mean 'woken'. In any case, the phrasing feels a bit weird.
You threw me off when this appeared in the plss description. I was wondering how I had missed it before. Anywho, good story, as per usual
So we have a pyrokinetic mage pulling a wagonload of kindling through a scorching desert village. This sounds perfectly safe.
Quirky's desperate for money, she's almost considering prostitution but after that she also consider's asking her parents for help, but won't out of pride. Quirky's parents must either be really poor to make her hate to ask them for anything, or she must really hate her parents.
Really I don't think this was as good as PLSS. Possibly because with the warning on a 2k word story it was utterly predictable, I just didn't feel this story. It was a bit repetitive, and could be summarized in a couple paragraphs in PLSS.
I found myself focusing on how the Griffons had invaded yet another country instead of the actual story. I know this isn't the point of the story but between the Zebras, Donkeys and the Griffon dissidents as refugees, I could see Equestria descend into a WWII-like scenario very quickly.
4442561
I have entertained that story idea.
I liked it, and the rude people can shove it
You made me cry. At work.
It takes a good story to punch me in the gut like that. Good job!
This feels... detached. It's not bad, just not really engaging. I can't really justify a thumb either way.
And now I'm sad...poor Quirky... of course now we get so many more questions... like why did Rilly do it? Why?! Okay I'm done.
The only problem I have with this is Rill talking about not wanting to do *that* in Las Pegasus after you already said that they came to a consensus that they didn't want to only a few paragraphs before that. That being said, it feels like it should be a bonus or side chapter rather than a separate story, but this is fine.
Coming back to this after getting further in PLSS; I like it a bit more. My main problem with it had been you warned us there'd be a suicide, and it's only 2,000 words, making the story painfully predictable. It's obvious what Rill will do and you want to shout at Quirky to say that she wouldn't take care of Shady Patch, so Rill would need to stay alive to care for him.
In hindsight though, that is what Quirky would be feeling; thinking how obvious it was what Rill was thinking, and blaming herself for not seeing the signs when they were right in front of her.
As always your stories are descriptive and powerful, but I have to agree with the comments that it did not have the impact that your other stories have. I understand that this was just a backstory to help flesh out a character in PLSS, but I think making it a running side story like the catch is to the chase would've made it more meaningful and less predictable.
Either this story wasn't very feelsy, or it was the effects of both my stone heart and the fact that I was having a conversation about why clouds wouldn't make good beds, but this didn't exactly affect me much. Maybe it's because I haven't read PLSS yet. I dunno.
Hmm, interesting, but I think I've been too long away, and I've pretty well forgotten these characters, so coming into this with zero background information is what blunted the impact for me. I get a hint of the desperation at work here, but her despondence wasn't really realized for me. It seemed like she was depressed and upset, and leapt to suicide.
Now, like I said, I think it's largely due to the fact I entered this pretty much clean, and I think the writing was solid. Honestly, I'd just like this to be a little longer to really flesh out her despair which, now that I look at it, makes me sound like a horrible monster, but you know what I mean.
So pretty much the most complimentary critique one could receive: I enjoyed it, I'd just like more of it. And really, familiarizing myself with the main story again would probably do much to bring me further into this tale.
All in all, well done.
Please keep writing, I'll keep reading!
Well, I've had PLSS in my read later list for a while now, and when I went to read it the other day, I saw the note about this. Seems well written so far. Enough to warrant a thumbs up. Seems like it could have a lot of depth on the story, so if you pull that off, you'll probably see my name again in the comments. 'Till then, farewell!
OMC this was so sad, Amazing story but still sad.... I will now read PLSS
This back ground info was pretty decent, but showing not telling would make the experience much more immersive. More details would help too. The overall quality of this piece of literature is (don't get mad) sub-par in my opinion. However, your other works (The Catch, The Chase, because I read those first) may have bigoted me with better grammar, plotlines, etc (as well as the fact that they are probably newer and thus, you have more experience writing). Now I will go absorb PLSS into my brain. (This was nothing more than criticism, please don't be mad
)
Quercus Alba?... Hmm....
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/aceattorney/images/2/24/True_Alba.gif/revision/latest?cb=20100321235455
...
...
...
No sir...
There's actually a warning label specifically for self harm and suicide related content, if you wanted to add it.