(The Human tag only comes up in later chapters with only one villain and a few minor characters.)
Nightmare Moon, the personal student to the good King Sombra, learns about the return of the dreaded Eternal Twilight. When she tries to warn him, he sends the young alicorn and her dragon assistant Smog, to a small town where she is to supervise the preparations for the Crystal Heart Celebration.
There she befriends five individuals: Sunset Shimmer, Gilda, Trixie, Chrysalis, and Discord. Together they redeem Eternal Twilight and turn her back into the kind Princess Sparkle. And it looks like things will be fine from then on...
But no prophecy could prepare Nightmare for what challenges await. Powerful foes will seek to break apart her new friendship. And an enemy that Nightmare knows nothing about seeks to obtain the revenge she has been plotting for years.
Will the magic of forgiveness and the power of friendship triumph?
*Featured on June 23, September 12, November 9, November 23, December 26 2014, February 7, and July 15 2015!*
Interesting, but I'm slightly concerned as to how you're going to keep this from being simply a rehash of the SE1 opening with different names. If it takes off in a different direction then fantastic! I also like how you kept Discord from simply putting Twilight apart. Also, you're a bit inconsistent with how you end quotation marks. Generally you stick with the rule, which leads me to believe you might know them but sometimes forget to apply them, but just in case here they are:
Rule 1: If it ends with you, afterwards, saying how it was said you end it with a comma and lowercase the next word, like this:
Rule 2: If it ends by going into something else, end it with a period and uppercase the next word, like this:
Rule 3: Exclamation, question marks, and '…' override the comma/period rule and names (Jason, Alex, Samantha) override the uppercase/lowercase rule. Like this:
Now... have a like!
I think I'll keep an eye on this.
I like this idea!
Well, this is an interesting idea. Not everyday a mirror version of the series is written. I'll keep an eye out on this one.
I
how this is going, can I put it in my group?
Oh, and I'd love to see this version cross over with the Cannon!Equestria, that would be so cool
This was very entertaining, and I hope to see more. As long as you keep the protagonists on an even level (because let's face it, at their true power level, half the group would drastically overshadow the others) this could be a fun ride. Twilight can make a good villain, and as the IDW comics establish, Good Sombra works nicely. Also, shy Chrysalis was overwhelmingly cute.
My only criticisms are that Gilda's and Trixie's scenes were rather rushed and not too inspired. Gilda felt almost exactly like Rainbow Dash and Trixie was in an awful hurry to send Nightmare on her way.
Good work!
4369183
Okay. I went back and edited the first chapter. Should be fixed now.
Looking pretty good. First chapter felt a bit too much of a copy of the pilot episode with different names but in this chapter, you've given it its own direction.
if i got this right this in this world twilight will break free then be good pinkie will break free and then be imprisoned then be reformed rainbow will visit and be a jerk fluttershy will trick someone into marriage celestia will break free and then die rarity will visit get showed up and seek revenge with a magic artifact and applejack will steal one of the elements and flee to another world to concur or something am i some what right in at least a few of these guesses or am i over thinking this story to much
oh and before i forget i really like this story cant wait for more and something id like to say despite a sense of predictability the story still remanes entertaining because despite almost knowing whats going to happen your seeing it from a different perspective and different characters which keeps you interested in the story so i just thick its great....i think i talk to much
4381971
It's okay. Talking (commenting) is part of how I know if the story is good or if there's a mistake I missed or something. And even if some future bits of the story might be predictable, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by everything else that follows, if I write this right.
This is an example of the writing error known as 'You Know Bob', where a character says something important seemingly out of the blue. For instance, if Smog and Nightmare have known each other for quite a while, wouldn't Smog already know and not be worried? You could have one of the other characters ask, but that too would be YKB. In this case to avoid YKB, when Nightmare looks at her wings she could wince and think, Good thing alicorns are fast healers.
Oh my god he just ran in. Save him, save him! Stick to the plan!
Again. I'm not surprised.
Bringing.
Missing quotations.
Ya know, Evil-Twilight would. She would also steal Smarty Pants.
Oh wow, good scene with the fake-Dash being Twilight's internal conscious. And... 'your own spin on things'. Ooh... that raises all sorts of questions!
Willingness
Hmm, still pretty close to the original, but defintely curious with Twilight saying 'her own spin on things', almost as if she remembers being the canon-Twilight. Almost as if she once was the canon-Twilight...
4400182
Thanks for pointing those errors out so I could fix those. I also altered the "fast-healing" bit. To be fair, the show itself has done the same kind of thing (YKB) before. For example, how many times as it been pointed out that Spike is a baby dragon? Still, I'll try to avoid that in the future.
D'aww, so nice to see Twilight reunited with her family. I also really like how you have Luna and her relation to Nightmare. Wonder what Luna's job is. Also wonder how Celestia fits into this equation.
No clue to the father. Random guess is... Starswirl? I dunno.
I also really like how she feels things are 'upside down'. Seems she kinda feels she's in an AU...
Ok let's see if I have this right, because my brain hurts like heck.
Discord is supposed to be Pinkie Pie. That actually makes sense.
Sunset Shimmer is Applejack. That doesn't.
Trixie is Rarity. What?!
Gilda is Rainbow Dash. That makes sense, too.
Chrysalis is Fluttershy. WHAT?!?!
Did I get that right?
Good episode, however when you do a scene change such as
Put some kind of line break. You can make your own, or use fimfic's horizontal ruler. Just type [1hr][1/hr] without the ones, so it looks like this.
[/hr] Next, your races were way too quick between Rainbow and Gilda. It felt like they were just teleporting from place to place. Some more description would be nice.
Eager to see more.
The cabbage gag never gets old.
4432041
You make a good point. During the first few chapters, the characters kinda journeyed through the scenes so there was no need for a scene change before. I added a few line breaks so maybe the chapter will flow a bit better.
As for the races, flying can be difficult to properly describe without repeating words like soar, rocket, race, and so on. In the original episode, Rainbow and Gilda raced pretty fast too. Still, I'll work on improving the flying scenes too. Thanks.
4369890
I went and added this story to your group, but I couldn't get it to add it to the 'more than one' folder, so I just put it in Other. Anyway, I hope you're still enjoying the story.
This is awesome on so many levels. At first I figured Rarity would be a poor alternate Trixie, but you really make her work, and that part at the end with Inspiration Manifestation subbing in for the Alicorn Amulet is awesome. So next chappie are we going to see Nightmare Moon and the gang try and drive out Kenbroath Gilspotten Heathspike from a mountain?
Nice touch, and d'aww, Discord's got a pet windigo! Or is it a windigo child? How sapient are they, I wonder?
Just remembered the other thing I forgot in my comment! They lose cutie marks! That's certainly something to think about!
4446566
Who is that?
I'm glad you like it. I should point out that the book Rarity finds tells her where to find the 'most generous' gift but not what that gift actually is. I've got a few ideas going for when she makes her return but I'll need to go over them again to see what works best. Thanks for checking my story out.
Also, Kenbroath Gilspotten Heathspike...I'm sorry, what?
4447993 That's Spike's full name from earlier generations. Also, how come Smog and not say, Garble? Though I do love Smog's smoke-themed powers.
4448023
Ah, okay then. Thanks for telling me. Don't worry, you'll see Garble eventually, but probably not where you're expecting him to be.
t-this looks different.....
Very good mash-up of two Pinkie Pie episodes, tuned to your universe. Though I wonder what's up with the eldest clone...
4491916
Sorry, what do you mean by different?
4493125
just different, that's all.
a good one.
4492004
Thanks. This chapter took a bit longer to create but hopefully I'll finish the next chapter a bit sooner.
As for the eldest clone...well, from a symbolic standpoint, the clone represents Derpy accepting herself. She knows she's not perfect but that people still love her for who she is. From a reality standpoint, she's hoping the clone will make a good friend/assistant/foal-sitter for Dinky.
This chapter was brilliant! How many episodes did you combine/make references to?
4493786
Well let's see here...Derpy's speech for Winter Wrap-Up is, of course inspired by the Winter Wrap-Up episode. Welcoming King Sombra and the Breezie infestation references Swarm of the Century. Breezies have switched places with Parasprites here. Derpy's freakout and the party to cheer her up is inspired by Party of One. And the Derpy clones take the place of the Pinkie clones. And just a few other bits from here and there.
Hope that helps. I'm glad you're liking the story.
This is a touching and heartwarming chapter, but without excessive sap. However, I have to ask, Peaceville IS going to vote Ditzy out of office next election and replace her with Mary Mare or something, right? I mean, property damage is property damage, no matter the good intentions of the mayor.
4496755
To answer your question, they probably will vote for someone else...but Derpy was elected for mayor somewhat recently. She has quite a lot of time to make up for her mistakes before she has to worry about next election. And property damage isn't exactly new to the ponies of Peaceville. They live in the same town as Discord, after all.
Thanks, glad you liked the chapter.
4497129 Well now I'm voting Discord for Peaceville Mayor. Why settle for the lesser of two evils?
4497220
>> Shadow Cloud
You got that right. That's what I got too.
Cutie cursed. I like it!
Now that's a story concept I've never seen before. And it makes sense!
I love how this story reverses everything we know about the pony world and yet it all makes perfect sense.
4512915
Sorry, could you please be a little more specific? Which story concept are you referring to?
Discord did a fucking leeroy
4513027 The whole reverse cutiemark thing.
4513210
Oh, okay. Thanks for clarifying that.
What a
! While at the start a small part of me was hoping Silver Spoon would suddenly burst out from under a table to defend Diamond Tiara, this managed to surprise me and also add in a bunch of great episodes at the same time. I suppose future episodes will have DT trying to expand her horizons by trying new things like newspaper editorializing and flag waving? The whole cutie curse thing is awesome, since I was always bugged by the idea of cutie mark destiny. Rainbow Dash brings up a good point though (never thought I'd say that) some ponies probably do love their cutie marks, are there ponies who never try new things because they are afraid of losing their mark?
Oh, and I bet sooner or later Applejack will turn up, with an opportuniTY for this here communiTY.
4517038
Well Rainbow clearly liked her own mark but she wasn't too bothered when she lost it. If they really want, ponies have another option when it comes to cutie marks, but I'll explain that a little later.
As for Applejack, her role in the events to come is a bit bigger than you might think.
4517401 The bigger the better I say!
4517403
When he says bigger, I, having not read this, but calling it as the description reads, assume it will be very big, but not in a good way.
As I said, I have yet to read this, but hope to soon.
4518749 Eh, Good, Evil, it's all the same. I just love favorite background pony.