• Member Since 22nd Feb, 2014
  • offline last seen Saturday

albedoequals1


I saw that.

T

Brownie Sundae is a simple mercenary. She does her job and keeps her promises. All she wants is to find employment that won't leave a bad taste in her mouth, but when gods and devils conspire to create havoc, what can one pony do to stop them?

A Ponyfinder crossover. No knowledge of Ponyfinder is required to understand the story, but some basic background information is included in the author's notes for Chapter 1. This story takes place in the same universe as A Dangerous Sparkle and The Apple Falls Far from the Tree (both by David Silver), but familiarity with those stories is also not required.

The story is somewhat violent and I attempted to portray the violence realistically, which may disturb some readers.

12/11/2015 - New cover art by Sita Duncan! More of that sort of thing can be found in the Ponyfinder books.
Ponyfinder home page
Original source book

Chapters (12)
Comments ( 51 )

Onto my watchlist you go, la la la.

Wow, two downvotes already. Since they didn't say why, it's safe to assume that it's because of my insightful commentary on real-world issues that make people uncomfortable. :rainbowwild:

Hm, only read the first chapter, Albedo, but it's well written. I do like DnD if that wasn't obvious hence why I came in to look.

I think a smoother introduction to Brownie with more dialogue, or a supporting character may have helped. It's hard to hook new readers when they're faced first thing with text walls like you have up there. Maybe break those up a teency bit, too.

6023939 Thanks for the feedback, I'll see what I can do. In the meantime, I think the following chapters are better in that regard.

Edit: I changed the first half of Chapter 1. Does it flow better now?

Reading continues! No typo detected.

She figured out dimensional drift fast. Her recovery, not so fast.

I am not the best editor, but no errors have attacked me so far. Royal guard continues to be useless.

Not the only reformed succubus I know, amusingly.

6135391 Her secret character sheet that I will never show to anybody has a 14 on INT

6135443 They're not useless, just really hard to replace.

What could go wrong? I liked Trixie.

6139360 I'm glad to hear it. Established characters are much harder to write than OCs.

Lame oracle + wings. That's just lame. :derpytongue2:

Caught up. I take it this is all taking place during the first few chapters of A Dangerous Sparkle?

6162598 Yeah, I admit I stole that idea from you. I tried to balance her power by taking her leg right off, so she can't even use it to hold stuff.

6163428 Yes. The princesses have still not decided that Twi is actually in trouble, so far it's just an inconvenience.

Alright! I'm half-way to caught up. :pinkiehappy: aldedoequals1, your name wouldn't be a reference to certain comics from the '90's involving space foxes would it? If not, then never mind, there was this comic series in the '90's that envolved foxes in space called Albedo. The name made me remember it out of the blue.

6171244 Albedo is term used in hydrology to mean the amount of light reflected by a material on a scale of 0 to 1. Fresh snow has an albedo of about 0.9 and black felt is less than 0.2. I just picked the name because it was nerdy and mildly impossible.

Ah, that makes sense. It was also a pretty good sci-fi comic in the 90's. :pinkiehappy:

repeatedly

Your describing of things done more than once feels flat. I think you want to make it one large action instead of repeats, a volley of arrows instead of shooting a few times. A soft ongoing chant instead of 'a few spells' and such, if that makes sense?

6176943 ...Oh, I got it; that was Perfida. It's hard to find when you only quote one word. :derpyderp2: Was that the only case that stood out to you, or were there other phrases with the same problem?

6178373 Any time you referred to a repeated action, like the bow shots. It felt a bit awkward to me? I'm not the best at describing this sort of thing, it just jumped at me. I hope I'm making some kind of sense.

6176943

Shadow's continuing volley of arrows finally connected, and the enemy howled in pain as the arrows sank much deeper than before.

She poured out her healing magic on the pair until no sign of their wounds remained.

Better? :twilightsmile:

6178441 IMHO, yes. I feel awkward whenever I give typing advice that isn't a straight typo.

6178505 Me too, but if it feels awkward to you, it will feel awkward to other readers as well.

When a griffon and a pony mate, the kids are swarms of giant bees. :twilightoops: Look it up! :twilightsmile:

6178901 They're hippogriffs, but you already knew that.

Funny thing, my original plan was to kill Shadow off in the first chapter. I changed my mind because he was useful as a foil to draw out Brownie's feelings, and next thing I know, I'm looking up the Ponyfinder rules for hippogriffs. That griffon made out like a bandit, and I'm still not sure how it happened.

the band name sound like some sort of icecream

6180102 It's probably not going to stick; Shadow is actually terrible at coming up with nicknames.

6180685 compare to human...yeah...compare to ponies...eh

What a great finish.I look forward to any next installments you make! :scootangel:

This was a really fun story, from start to finish, and I admit I was surprised at the happy ending... Maybe I've been reading too many unhappy fics, lately, heh. Glad you took it the way you did, though~

Even if Shadow is terrible with nicknames, I kinda hope his mercenary band name sticks.

6237260

I admit I was surprised at the happy ending

Excellent. That is exactly what I wanted. I knew if I was going to pull off that fakeout, it would have to be early in my writing career, before everybody figured out that I can't do sad endings.

That was a great story, :twilightsmile: I'm glad you self promoted when you were helping me :twilightblush: I look forward to see how their travels in Equestria go, I have a feeling they could get into a lot of trouble :pinkiecrazy: or cake :rainbowlaugh: Nicely done can't wait for the sequels :twilightsmile:

“Princess Celestia suggested that all four of us be awarded metals

It seems Celestia has gotten a bit senile in her old age and has been giving out unworked hunks of iron and copper to ponies who save the day recently.
Because the Great and Powerful Trixie is incapable of being wrong and had meant to say medals.

I enjoyed this very much though, I've been looking for more dungeon crawling/adventuring stories lately and this one did not disappoint.

6394416 Thanks for the correction. Fixed.

I'm glad you liked it.

I hope she gets her leg regenerated.

6450855 Unfortunately, that is the manifestation of her oracle curse and cannot be healed by even the most powerful magic. Really though, one leg is a small price to pay for your immortal soul.

I'm fan of any kind of fantasy, so it's only natural for me to be interested when I hear words like 'magic' or 'dwarves'.

It's not quite Tolkien level of writing, but it's nice and pleasant to read. I have yet to see why Brownie lost her leg.

Guess what I just finished! I liked it! Didn't expect it to end like it did. (And I'll admit... I'm always a little wary of "other universe in Equestria" stories, but I say you did it well.)

7297635 Aw, thanks! My current concept for Brownie is a little different than this, but I'm content enough to leave this alone. The "other universe" trope is twisted a little when the other universe is also ponies. :rainbowderp:

I enjoyed this! Cute interactions and characters, and I like the rarely seen manifestation of a warrior who is reasonably competent at combat, but still ends a pincushion far too often. Kinda bummed no sequels, but I can understand why given the lukewarm reception.

:moustache:

9837282
Thank you for the kind words. It's encouraging to hear that people still read it from time to time. (My gosh, I really got carried away with the gore though, ick :pinkiesick:)

Any word on if Ponyfinder has been updated for the new Pathfinder Ed or not?

9935921
Pathfinder 2E is not so much an update and more a completely different system. Making Ponyfinder add-ons for D&D 5E took a few years, so PF2E will probably be similar, if it turns out to be popular. If you want up-to-date info on that, you should ask David Silver, he's the Ponyfinder guy.

Login or register to comment