• Member Since 8th Apr, 2014
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

NCMares


I also draw pretty pictures :3

T

Diplomacy has failed. Six years have passed Equestria's crowning of the princess of friendship, ushering in a supposed unprecedented age of peace and harmony. The concept of warfare is, to most ponies, nothing more than an unfathomable legend. They have let their guard down.

An unknown enemy has seized the opportunity to attack Equestria with terrifying new weapons of war, bent on taking the fertile land and restoring an ancient order. The valiant efforts of the Royal Guard have given Princess Twilight and her arcane scientists time to research and develop a response to their attackers, and the time has come for that response to be implemented. Utilizing weapons and tactics borrowed from another world, five squads under the command of Princess Luna will infiltrate the forests of the Equestrian Northwest to destroy a revolutionary magical matrix that Twilight refers to as the "radio" - a tool that allows enemy ponies to communicate across vast distances instantly.

Nightmare Two is comprised of three foalhood friends who, rather than be separated from each other in the draft, volunteer to become one of the five Nightmare squads. With their bodies forever altered to suit the needs of their mission, the three young mares join legions of ponies armed with powerful weapons to partake in a horrifying new breed of warfare - Equestria's first in over one thousand years.

--

Heads up, folks. If you wouldn't mind leaving a comment alongside the thumbs-down, I'd appreciate it. This is my first foray into fan fiction and although it's a hobby I nonetheless wish to get better. :)


Got some FAQ's for you guys as well!

- Alternate universe in which the events of "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" did not occur. (As much as I loved it! :D)

- Numerical age tends to vary with headcanon, but the CMC here were just getting started with their adult lives when the draft went into effect.

- The war is pony v. pony, utilizing firearms and the Equestrian equivalent of a tank. The underlying headcanon is that ponies used firearms similar to muskets and tracked armored vehicles akin to our tanks in times of old, and what the enemy currently employs is essentially the natural progression of these technologies.

- There are no real-world weapons or equipment i.e. "Panzer IV," or "M16 assault rifle." Particularly acute details such as the caliber of weapons are also absent.

- Technology is based on that of WWI with some WWII elements. Firearms are primarily bolt-action.

- The "radio" spell matrix functions as what we know to be a radio, but is not identical.

- All four of a Night Mare's legs are permanently replaced by the augments.

- Night Mares are female. Stallions proved unable to properly animate the limbs.

--

Hold up, now - fanart? You guys rock. Like, for real. Thanks a lot!


1. A great YouTube video coming from The_Pegasus_Box. Thanks, bud!
Check it out!

2. Click here for the collection on DArt.

3. https://derpibooru.org/740375?scope=scpeac921b191f688d04521575f31608785cbc3bbaa1
[img]https://derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/10/10/740375__safe_anthro_apple+bloom_gun_artist-colon-pusspuss_night+mares.png[/img]

Chapters (11)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 1244 )

this is outstanding looking forward to more!!!

Well, this truly has potential, and I'm looking forward to more chapters ^^

It looks good. Sorry I never truly finished my job of editing.

Well this gots my attention :moustache:

Interesting....

That cover art looks amazing

4269698 Thanks a lot! You'll get it soon ;)

4269733 I'm so glad you think so :)

4269814 Don't sweat it! You helped immensely :D

4271402 Good to know - thanks for the like :)

4271882 lol, it's certainly out there :P

4273214 Thank you very much :)

Just as a tip, you can reply to multiple people at once. Just copy and paste the set of 223438 or whatever the random set of numbers are into one big post. Or you can reply individually. Doesn't matter.

This is a fairly well written peace for your first story. I think you'll do wonderfully in the writing realm. You've already got a good mind for detail with your artistic skills, and I know fully well that comes outstandingly handy in writing actual literature. You're not entering another realm of art where you paint the picture with words and make it move with feelings and action. Your style is as important to you as it is your skill. I look forward to following this great tale and eagerly await the technologies you reveal throughout this war. Magic and science alike I look forward to seeing how Twilight brings them together. Perhaps they'll even figure out some fast, or faster, communication methods as well? ;)

A bit of critique though. Your tense is sometimes a little hard to keep up with. I can see you're aiming for a present tense, but this is one of the tougher tenses to master. Often times writers will stick with the past tense as their dominate tense. You mix a little bit of that in there and it does help some, but I can say that it feels off in my opinion in reading your present tense. Perhaps that's my sleep deprived biased opinion, but all the same still worth going over and double checking when proof reading it. (Then again, it might be because you twitched from third to first person and changed the tense a little bit as well.)

Again, this is a great story and you've got a huge potential here. I'm looking forward to an epic and don't plan on being disappointed. In estimate how often do you believe you'll be updating? Not important, just curious. :)

Quaver Ava

4273993 Thanks a lot, and you actually hit the nail on the head, lol. It was originally in the past tense, but then I thought everyone does that, so I tried to put it in the present to mix things up. I very much apologize that it's hard to read. :( Thanks a lot for letting me know, however! Do you mind the past tense? It's not an over saturated tense, is it? If I'm not any good with the present then I suppose I ought to switch anyway :P As far as updates go its a little hard to tell at the moment, but I want to shoot for a bi-weekly submission plan. We'll see, though.

4274425 There is a reason as to why it's used to often. The past tense in a tale is sort of a standard. (for example, when someone is telling you a story about themselves.) It's the most accepted tense out there that readers can relate to and are used too. When presented something different in actually reading, like different grammar or something, it often appears as a big flag for many. (Good or bad.) Now, that doesn't mean present tense is bad, but it's something that I believe takes a little more time and careful consideration in implementing. It's perhaps the better tense to go with if you're looking for action. Which in this tale I'd imagine there's gonna be quite a bit. So please stick with your tense choice, confidence is key in writing. But be aware that you've chosen the harder road to follow.

Often more than not the higher and more gravely trek will lead to the better prize. The decision is all yours and whatever route you choose I know you'll do great.

Quaver Ava

Liking it so far, keep up the good work.

Saw the art, Now reading the book Looking forward to future updates. I have high hopes for this story keep it man. Great job :)

Dude, this is awesome!

First off, this is frikin' amazing, liked and favorited for the premise alone, and now I can't wait for more.

Did spot one problem though.

<i>guns</i>

it should be in square brackets: guns

Other than that, it's going a little too fast for my tastes, but it's still well worth a read. :pinkiehappy:

4276383 Thanks a lot! Chapter one'll be along within the week.

4348682 I'm glad you think so! Thanks :)

4389601 Thanks for the catch, lol. Can't believe we didn't see that :P I'm glad you like it, although I'm not sure how to slow it down(?)

4389825
It's not a big thing the pacing, I just would have liked to see AB and the others getting trained with using the implants for a bit, rather than just skipping forward, but that's just me. I enjoy long reads. :pinkiecrazy:

Just want you to know:
I made this fimfiction accout soley so I could make sure to read updates to this story.
Loved this idea on devart, and I love it here too!
Can't wait for more!

The one problem I have is with this:

primary means of defense

The Elements of Harmony were lost for a millenium and Equestria did just fine. I am skeptical.

Other than that, I look forward to this!

4392527 Thanks a lot! I hope I won't disappoint. :)

4397206 You know, that is an excellent point! Perhaps the bad guys were just getting set to attack when the elements were first reclaimed?

I love those last few lines. Keep it up.

MORE! This story is shaping up to be awesome and I can't wait to see what you have in store for the next chapter.

Twilight taught me not to blink when I fire

That's a tip a friend of mine needs to learn the next time we go to a shooting range.

Man how to get right in the feels. Man I I don't even know what to say except Fantastic this is the first story and I would love to see more. And in the end War is hell.

4399139 it's very helpful in combat, you blink and you can loose your target. :pinkiesad2:

heck #33 · May 18th, 2014 · · · II ·

Fricken' incredible horse artist writes horsewords now? Once this paper due in eight hours is done, reading shall happen, and it shall be glorious. Liked, faved and followed now though, because I have a feeling dis gon b gud.

4409013 I can only hope that I don't disappoint! Please don't expect too much, though!

4413487 I'm so glad you've enjoyed my drawings, but all I can do is try my best. :) Please don't expect too much!

It's late, so this is going on my read later list, but if you put half the effort into writing this that you did into the art, I am expecting great things.

So who exactly are they fighting? They're not fighting griffons or minotaurs, so who are they fighting? I hope to see this develop some more detail.
Also, your art is amazing! Please make more!

And they didn't ask Sunset Shimmer what the fuck a radio was... why? :trixieshiftright:

You'd think the topic would come up in the middle of the intense justification Twilight must have given Sunset Shimmer in exchange for these unethical technologies?

Also, a mission to "destroy a radio." I am laughing my fucking ass off. "Princess Luna, the target is acquired. The device is deceptively small, about the size of a foreleg's cannon. Advisement?"

"We have locked on to your location, Lunar One. Exfiltrate the area immediately, we are nuking from orbit."

And then :twilightblush: and then a soldier catches Lunar One leaving, and she has a fucking heart attack when he pulls out another one. :rainbowlaugh:

How the hell can they describe how radio works, and yet not know how to use it? Wait, and both antagonists are ponies? Were they completely isolated from Equestria before the war? The sheer levels of schizo tech going on are mindboggling.

4397875

Very nice beginning. I would say that, um, what you called a prologue was actually mostly a chapter. Everything from "July Year 6" down is solid chapter, and the prologue is everything before that.

Just saying. I await your next chapters with zeal.

4433968

It said ponies in the last chapter and it said ponies in this one. Specifically, "a dozen ponies."

4434368 Whoa - easy there, pal! See, ol' Shimmer went home when the portal closed again. Any indication that the bad guys were talking across the air was yet to be discovered, you know?

And this tech is a lot different than what we humans got. I figure that this fancy new radio is large and clunky on account of its newness(?). Much like how old computers from the 50s and 60s took up a lot of space to do what we consider nowadays to be simple calculations. I dunno.

I also figure there are other pony nations besides Equestria. EEEVIL nations! >:[

lol. In any case, I thank you for your thoughts and apologize that I'm not up to snuff. At least you got a good laugh, though - eh? :)

4434442 Yeah I got that, but which ponies? Rival country? Future killer ponies? Magically enhanced super ponies? Is it a civial war? Are they brainwashed? That's a start when I say details.

4434525

upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/76/Guglielmo_Marconi_1901_wireless_signal.jpg

Marconi operating apparatus similar to that used by him to transmit the first wireless signal across the Atlantic Ocean, 1901

I finally came to read your fanfiction!

And I was not disappointed. It has fulfilled my expectations, no, it has even surpassed them by far.
I imagined to get a fanfiction that is not only exciting and full of suspense, but also full with feels and dramatic, and this is exactly what I got!
This fanfiction is much darker than I thought it would be and also much more dramatic and sad.
I admit, I was at first a bit skeptical how this would turn out as it is your first one and then even one with a complex topic, war, but you conveyed it perfectly!
Everything, from the suspense in the fight situations, over their thoughts and how they react to this new situation and to killing other ponies, to their inner conflicts, especially when it's about Applebloom, who is conflicted between saving the lifes of her friends and not really wanting to kill others, are portrayed so realistic.
My body trembled while reading, both while Applebloom and Sweetie Belle comforted Scootaloo and when Applebloom had to shoot at this little colt and killing him afterwards.
The feelings you bring up with this story are strong, very strong.
It's written so realistically that I'm still shivering, both from the suspense, as from the tragicness of everything.
I can't even believe that this is your first story. It's excellent, in every aspect.


Fluttercheer alias CMC_Scootaloo

Holy cow, transformer pony soldiers! Transform to fire mode!


And wow. Those feels, those thoughts those actions.

Amazing job with this, you have my fave.

That was AWESOME!
I loved your pictures (i even got them as my background) and i love your story!

For the future i really hope the history that happened with Diamond is talked about,
and they meet up with Applejack :applejackconfused:, but what about the others of the mane 6? :twilightsmile: is a scientist :rainbowdetermined2: is a wonderbolt, :raritywink: is at ponyville, but what about :fluttershysad: and :pinkiesmile:?

Definitely "read later" material here. The cover art alone is worth a favorite...

4580024 Thanks a lot! I hope you enjoy. :)

4590013
when is the next chapter coming out?

4622785 It's in the works! Stay tuned. :)

Actually found this fic through your cover art (which is gorgeous, btw!) while browsing the "related" pieces on a search for Blackjack fanart, and boy am I glad I did! :pinkiehappy:

This is excellent work for a first foray into fan fiction and your thumbs-up ratio reflects that! Sympathetic characters, clear narration, a solid hook with the prologue, and no story flow-interrupting grammatical mistakes or sentence issues (at least for me). The enemy is a bit of an unknown at this point to us, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. We're only two chapters in, so plenty of time for us to learn about who they are and what their motives are.

The only critique I've got for you is actually so minor at this point that it only really affects the wording for your summary. Like Razzle Dazzle, I'm a bit skeptical on Equestria's reliance on the Elements of Harmony as it's primary means of traditional military defense (they did do just fine for a millennium with no avatars to speak of to harness their powers). However, I could see how a millennium of peace followed by a sudden attack by a technologically superior unknown power from across a sea(?) could send them reeling with no immediate answers--especially given the general ineptitude we've seen of their military overall in show canon. Really, my 'critique' feels almost like a nitpick to me, as the initial events fall well within my realm of believable possibilities (and clearly others' as well, judging by story reviews), but it gives you something to consider moving forward and/or if you decide to update the summary later on. :twilightsmile:

Overall, great work! I'm glad I found it and stayed up late to read it! I'll be following your story with great interest, and I'm looking forward to seeing you grow as a writer! :rainbowdetermined2:

4630582 Thanks a lot! I'm glad you've liked it. :) I suppose I'll go ahead and change the description, then. If at least two people catch it then something must be up. I put that bit in for time reference and thought dramatic effect could be enhanced with the 'defense' part. Thanks a lot for letting me know. :)

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!