Zyks
Joined 25th Feb, 2014 ·
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I am surprised that this story is getting to so much positive reception.
Not bad though I am a little sad heel be treated like an animal, I'm guessing he's in the frowen northabout to enter the crystal empire. I hope he has at least obe pony on his side.
Cut out the "been".
Aren't you missing a full stop there?
Or maybe just rephrase it, like so:
"I didn't move, for I was simply frozen on the spot etc."
Again, either a full stop or a connection between "decide" and "the teachers"
Fix: But it wasn’t my place to decide, and the teachers feared that some of the other kids might’ve destroyed them if they stayed in the school.
There are more issues, but I'm too lazy to pick them all out. As you can see, I only got 1/3 through and found those.
Looking good apart from the grammar, keep it up mate. Remember to just read your own writing with that little voice in your head to make sure it makes sense.
14 favorites in one day, my god.
6423243 Thank you, you handsome rougue you.
6423284
My pleasure, my good sir.
6423061 While you're mostly right, he won't be going to The Crystal Empire. I have a much bigger plans in place for this fanfic, whether you like it not will be up to you.
6424213 I accept your challenge bring your A-game.
6424332 I've been bringing it since the beginning.
Awesome. Looking forward to the next chapter.
6428825 Thank you, my good sir.
Canterlot_Voice=~¥\_Engaged#444255code9html.7audio21135793837372827282
THOU SHALT REPLY TO THINE UNDERLINGS AND GIVE US MOAAAAAR!!!
6438404 Just for you
And wait about a week, I think I'll have another chapter ready by then.
6438449
YOU HAVE SPARED YOUR LIFE MORTAL
Translation: Lol cool
Check the front page. Gj
6464138 Oh my god.
6464142 Incoming comments, brace yourself
6464143 Let 'em come, I'm about to cry.
6464154 I'm sorry, your reign was short lived, king.
6464231 At least I know I have a chance. And it did bring more readers anyway, so I'm happy.
6467708 Nope.
6468176 Before I begin my reply, I would like to say thanks for reading the prologue, and thank you for your criticism.
1. I won't disagree with you about the weapons, that's my fault. In fact, I might use that bit of information about the hunting rifle in the future. To be quite honest, I literatly picked out the first hunting rifle that wasn't computer generated. No I'm not a gun nut, I couldn't tell the difference between pistols for the life of me.
2. Yes I can see where your getting at about the first person perspective of the story. However, I did write this at two the morning, so that may have affected my style of writing.
3. Refer to number two.
4. Refer to number two.
5. That is my own fault, I'll go back and fix it when I have the chance.
You know what I just realized how unbelievable the prologue is. I might have to go back and rewrite some paragraphs, and add some new ones. I'm sorry that it took me some time to respond to your comment, and I am sorry if I come off as a bit angry. I just got through playing The Last of Us on Grounded difficultly and I might still be a little pissed off that it took me three hours to finish the last level.
But still, thank you for your advice, and I hope that I'll be able to 'fix' the prologue. Again I thank you, and hope you have a nice day.
I'll keep my eye on this for now, it seems promising.
6485065 Thank you.
This is interesting. I'll give this off and follow this story. Hope to see more later on. Keep it up.
6528422 Thanks, it's a shame that I have to take leave. For the moment anyways.
Really good keep it up
6557890 Thank you good sir.
6558006 no prob
How did I miss this update?
Either way, the story is fantabuloustastic (?) and I'm eager for more.
-Starry Dash
6576100 Thank you for your kind words, Starry Dash.
A couple of things with this chapter, first was how you described apple trees. You do know that generally apples trees are not all that big right? They tend to be very slim and have lots of apples naturally? They actually are bigger in the show than they actually are in real life. Trust me do a google image search and you'll see what I mean. Also you messed up on spelling Apple Bloom's name, it's two words not one like how you wrote it as 'applebloom' you wouldn't like someone misspelling your name in real life right?
I also don't get why Twilight thinks he was trying to harm anyone, she's usually the more calm and rational one in the group so to me that felt really odd for her character.
6701237 Well thanks for the comment, and the information you gave me. Oh, and about Twilight's behavior. People are usually scared by what they don't understand. It won't help his reputation when you see what happens in the next couple of chapters.
Will this human have a spine or will he be a little bitch that doesn't stand up for himself? I wonder what will happen to him though. Quite a few times I've read HiE stories were a non-violent human is met with unjustified violence and aggression from ponies, and the ponies have the nerve to accuse the non-violent human of being dangerous.
I agree with Agent-G in regards to Twilight's behaviour, she probably doesn't realise the repercussions on how her slanderous and inaccurate accusation will have on our Human character.
6701246 Yeah I can get that it's just with Zecora she was the only one not scared of her and with the dragons she was calm and had a plan to deal with it and a few other things I could might have brought up if I thought about it. It's just a little jarring to me as I could see Rainbow more in that role. I can see them being nervous about him but I can also see Twilight trying to talk to him first to at least get an idea of what she's dealing with.
Why not? That doesn't sound right.
Keep it coming.
If I can't play Fallout you can't either!!
6702395 He just kept running. And it wasn't Diamond Tiara who yelled at him, that was Twilight.
6702840 Remember this is Diamond Tiara we're talking about. She always exaggerates everything.
somwhat depressing but existing
6736769 It does set the tone of the story, and that was sorta the point.
6701524 Trust me it's coming soon, I just finished writing the next chapter, just have to do some editing, rephrasing, and compact it. I'd say maybe, hopefully, it'll be released next week.
6740295 ooookkkkkaaay
more
So far, decent setup. Protagonist is a semi educated adult. Though traumatized, doesn't seem like a spineless puke. No instant friendship with alien, to him at least, equinoid lifeforms. Questionable decision making, but he is traumatized, sleep deprived, malnourished, and for all we know sick without knowing it.
I will keep watching this story with baited breath.
6744373 Thank you for the kind words.
P.S. I feel like I've seen you before...
I'm just seeing a turnaround right now man, pick a direction and go with it.
6747284 Trust me, I already did.
6747854 I hope so.