• Member Since 25th Feb, 2014
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Comments ( 38 )

Wow, just reading the synopsis cut my finger. That’s some serious edge.

Would you consider that a bad thing? Like I should change it? I really want to make this a good and interesting story.

I would say it's not so much edge, as it is generic. The description doesn't say very much about Matt as a person and individual; it's more describing how cool he and things he has, not who he is. The "drug user" feels like something better shown in the story; he likely has health issues or marks from needles, for example. And about 80% of it could be summarized as "human with issues gets sent to horseland."

Not necessarily bad or wrong, mind you, and I understand it's only your second story, so I'm not trying to bash. It could just use some spring cleaning, if you catch my drift.


And for the record, making a good story is really subjective. Ultimately, the only parameter you have for enjoyment is yourself; if you like what you've written, then that's really it. Others can criticize with valid points and/or offer enthusiasm themselves, but that's more a side-effect than the goal. If you like the description, then keep it. If you feel it needs work, change it.

Overt edginess fell out of favor even before FiM was a thing. That description looks like something from as late as the late 2000s.

Alright, description aside why is the story getting mass downvoted? It's not even that bad of a story so far. I'm willing to admit that there's a lot to be desired, but it's not like the downvotes are warranted right now.

Thank you for the constructive criticism! I've changed the description to something less edgy, I hope it's to your liking. But now I'm just confused. Might just be a personal thing, but I don't understand why the story's getting disliked as badly. Like you said, it's not that bad.

About the lack of details though, I opted out of giving full on descriptions about what characters look like. I personally thought it was just better to have the somewhat needless detail be cut out.

How do you know if it’s not that bad?

I mean, the only thing I've read that's been negative about it is the description, which I've changed, and I have heard very little else.

If you have some critiques, I'd love to hear them.

My recommendation? Be as respectful as possible towards FiM’s tone and message in your works while never having a character be an edgy dick for it’s own sake.

*Is sniffing this Mary Sues fic* wow even I read the description, my "Mary Sues" sense is tingling a lot. Especially the word "awesome" -_-

After reading 2 chapters ... Don't know what to say

Can't tell if that's a bad thing or not. Is it bad?

I can't tell because these 2 chaps are normal and I can't judge by these two chapters. Need more chapters to see if he is edgy like your description or not, (Oh wait, it bad in general not the content)

in this chapter you spelled celestia's name 3 ways. celstia in like the third word bundle, and clestia after teleporting back to the castle

Thank you for pointing it out. Writing it over and over again gets real tiresome. I guess I just sorta stopped paying attention to the way its spelled. Fixed it though!


The old description might've had something to do with all the downvotes, but I suspect that the surprise untagged sex scene isn't going to help either.

I wasn't entirely certain if I should've added the sex tag or not. It's not really going to be a main focus of the story as much as its sorta just there. Now that I think about it though, it's probably better that I add it. Thanks you.


Yes, some people add the tag even for things like frank discussions of sensitive topics. That might be overdoing it, but an explicit scene is a different matter entirely.

damn this is interesting keep up the good work

Now that good. Okay track this

"But Matthewfc, when you do get out of the hospital, please feel free to stop by! I think I can find you something more fitting then those… rags you have."

Matthewfc, all I’m going to say so far

I English good.

thanks for the warning, there is a difference between being a mary sues and being overpowerd but i still hate both of those things so im out.

Eh, it's not everyone's cup of tea, thanks for stopping by though.

I would like to say, I'm actually enjoying this. Just polish the characters personalities a bit and improve some spelling and I would say you have a good story! Keep it up!

Thank you so much!

Well , whatever your mary sue is when I read it wouould see ... how fares in my deep prism

Still a few spelling errors but other than that, you've done really good this chapter! Good work!

I really should get a proofreader, sorry for the grammar errors.

You're all good! I can still tell what you're trying to say, so it isn't too bad.

“Please, tell us the truth, we won’t be mad and we won’t hurt you. What is it that’s happening?” Celestia said. And while Matthew didn’t say anything initially, he was having a battle in his mind about it. He didn’t know whether or not he could trust these ponies. What if they started doing lab experiments on him? Hell, that was the reason he didn’t tell anyone back in his world and now he’s being confronted about something that he didn’t even realize he could do. But, he knew better, he wasn’t going to get away with this. Matthew let out a small sigh and looked up at Celestia.

“I… I have powers…” Matthew said with a shaky voice.

And just like that you lost my interest faster than a dog eating hotdog.

"Well yes three, duh! There's you becoming a princess party, the get well party for Matty, the we discovered an alien party and then the welcome to Pomyville party! Four parties in one!" Pinkie Pie said with a wide grin of excitement.

Pomyville to ponyville

"I… won't but thanks for coming Raimbow Dash."

Rainbow dash

"I… won't but thanks for coming Raimbow Dash."

Rainbow dash

"I know you guys said she takes care of animals and shit, but there's no way she takes care of hundreds in a little cottage,"atthew said as Twilight slowly levitated a very sleepy dragon onto her back.

Atthew to matthew

“Powers? How so?” Luna asked.

“... I… Can do things with my mind… I… I can pick up objects just by thinking it and-”

Wow if magic is that simple, then everypony can do magic. Not only you, you know. Then explain why earth pony and pegasus can't use magic like unicorns? Because follow this logic of magic, anypony can use magic.

“I learned how to crochet!” Spike said.

“Nobody cares about that Spike!” Pinkie Pie blurted out. Spike looked down dejectedly.

Wow.. Don't be a bitch Pinkie. I like that Spike knows how to crochet

Great chapters!

Cant wait for more!

“... Then why offer to bring technology if all you wanted to avoid was bloodshed?”

Discord is bored of the technological stagnation and wants to see the ponies advance.

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