Oh boy...

Assuming Twilight responds before she is fully awake...

Pinkie Pie's birthday celebration last night got a little out of hand. Quiet, please...still sleepy...
I see...and-
Pinkie got potions from Zecora.
Ah. ...how come I'm never invited to these kinds of parties?
Cup Cake faints.
You weren't kidding about having all kinds of cream pies in stock.
Carrot Cake faints.

4152461
Twilight's in trouble, or is it sequel time?

4152510
And then, with the Cakes fainted, Celestia is free to...

you should make a sequel because that was awsome and i never liked futa that much but wow that was great

4152577
Drink the sixth bottle!
AFTER putting the twins in the nursery, the Cakes in their bedroom, and a soundproofing spell on both rooms.

4152461 Oh boy is right.

Nice way to end the story, dirty little secret! Loved it a lot.

Great storyline, the plot (and I mean more than one meaning of it. ) was consistent and it was very detailed which is good for a story.

Ah, what a silly ending. Loved it.

Will you be doing more anthro stories? Even non-clop

You know, if it weren't for the fact that the story was already marked 'Completed' I would've expected another bonus chapter this time with Celestia growing one and taking down each of the Mane Six.

Celestia is most definitely going to keep an eye on Fluttershy from now on. Zecora might even get a very lucrative and suprisingly large royal order.

If you make a sequel please send me a link! I wanna see more futa and maybe even princess cock!

4152718
It's a clop alt, so I'd say if more is written, it'd be clop

“Twilight, what is the meaning of this?”

Hey now, you of all ponies should know to knock first.

4153904 Yes, I realize that after looking at his profile. More clop then!

4152580
Thanks!
I'll consider a sequel. Or maybe just making a 'verse out of it, and having fun with different customers of Zecora.

4152592
Not a bad idea.

4152618
Thanks! I loved making that ending!

4152718
Hm... nah. Though I'll very likely make more anthro clop sooner or later.
For non-clop stories, though, I don't see the point in anthro. Might as well be either full pony or full humanized.

4153101
4153287
I may make a sequel, I suppose.

4153830
Well, as long as you've either faved the story or followed me, you'll get notified.

4153904
Well, under this account, yes.
My main account, though, will have plenty of non-clop stories. Go to this account's user page to see most of them.

4153979
Well, she wasn't the one to open the door, now was she?

4155745 You're welcome. In the name of futa-, futa-, futa-, futa-, futa- and futa- ; Do keep writing what you write. You do so constantly with such great talent.

4155745
Does that mean bonus bonus chapter?

4157065
Possibly a sequel.

4157263
Neat!

“Twilight, what is the meaning of this?”

...And Twilight goes into full panic mode, screams and teleports herself and all her friends to the nearest safe place, the library. Unfortunately, Spike is there...

Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work.

4158214
4159938
4161997
Thanks!

4160164
Unfortunately... for Spike.

4169122

I didn't like it, and I definitely didn't get a decent fap out of it.

Aha! A real critical view, with lots of specifics and examples!
Now this I can sink my teeth into and get some improvement out of.

There's a lot of gerunds and run on sentences

Gerunds aplenty, that's true. (Part of that I'll put down to personal style, though perhaps they are overused.) I don't think there are any particularly run-on sentences, though... Examples?
I mean sure, I combined a few together... mostly to keep sentence structure fresh. But I didn't think I did that excessively.

--almost like you were trying to cram as much information into as short a space as possible.

Well, I was trying to get right to the point without a lot of superficiality... How do you think it should be more drawn out without adding any additional information?

This feeds right into the superficial feel of everything; we get a clear sense of what they are doing and how they are doing it, but without elaborating on how they feel and the sensations it causes, that formula makes for very dull porn.

Well, this is meant to be porn for porn's sake, not all that emotional...
But I guess you do have a point. One of my editors brought up the same complaint.

Maybe try my story The Relapse and see if I did a better job there?

A few examples;
tell-y narration

Those are meant to be pseudo-thoughts... but yeah, I guess so.

Oh, so we dropped all the pretense now?

You want more pretense?

either because they like using thesauri to avoid the "repetition" thing or because of some moral uncomfortableness.

Can it be because I find the 'blunt' words either too crass or too clinical?

I don't want to sound mean or anything, but this is one of my biggest pet peeves, and I can't understand why anyone does it. Aural appeal and clarity alone should limit the word "sex" to referring to the act.

I'll totally disagree on this one. Words have multiple meanings, and that's okay.

So Pinkie has had sex at least five times, but she doesn't know what a penis is? Or she doesn't know what a futa is? Vague plot hole.

I would presume that the magazine made her aware of the futa-possiblities.

for a story that makes a point to advertise an excuse plot, you spend an awfully long time on setup--its a full 1100 words before the actual sexy stuff starts, and the intro doesn't make much point of building up to it.

Well, within those 1000 words, I set up the premise, gave a little mental foreplay in describing her friends, hopefully built up a little excitement and surprise wondering which one she'll pick, and foreshadowed the last chapter.
Not bad for 1000 words, I'd say.

These sentences contain superfluous narration--I don't want to say they are repeating themselves, but they are definitely presenting the same concept multiple times or in redundant ways.

It got a bit complicated... I figured a bit of extra explanation couldn't hurt.
Better a tad repetitious then to leave readers confused about what's going on... right?

which devolved into a sensuous lick.

mouth as the raised section pressed into her.

She collapsed down onto the bed

More rushing/piling on description

Is that really all that piled on? Just seems adequately descriptive to me.

Overall, my main impression was "boring"--you describe actions but only describe emotions in the bluntest way possible. There's more description of the clothing and AJ's abs than of how the characters react to and experience the sex.

You've probably got me there... but then again, this wasn't intended to be all that emotional.

Third person limited, I can understand not describing AJ's emotions, but Pinkie just feels like a lump. I didn't connect with the characters, and as a result didn't manage to fap successfully.

There's also a lot of cliche porn vocabulary. As above, this can be a result of over-reliance on a thesaurus, but just like non-porn writing, keeping the prose digestible is key to immersion.

Meh... there's only so many words for it... and most of them are terrible. I tried to be fresh and non-repetitious.

Downvote from me.

Thanks for the comment though!

(I typed this right before bed, so if any of my criticisms make no sense/require elaboration, please say so)

I hope you will. ^.^

So the sex scenes in my opinion were rather bland, I don't know they just didn't seem to have a sort of kick to them. Maybe you're not touching on the sensations felt, just lots of "Oh fuck, harder, faster" over and over. I especially hated that entire scenario with RD. She's said it like a billion times, why the fuck is Pinkie not delivering? Does she just give no fucks about her partner? Sex is primarily two ways where both are trying to get off.

However, the part where PP gets spitroasted by FS and Rarity is rather hawt.

This chapter was better then the other ones I read. And honestly, this is probably the best line in the story, I was easily able to work my imagination around it:

There was no need to swallow – Fluttershy pumped her load straight and deep inside her.

The biggest thing that makes me disappointed in anthro stories is explicitly making RD flat chested. Has no one ever seen females that train regularly and stay in shape? Just because she's athletic doesn't mean that she can't have boobs (the opposite can be said as well. I just think it's a dumb stereotype and there needs to be more balance).

Other than that, the story was good, but it was rather lacking in the imagery and sensual stimuli department. Like you really could have done more with the sex scenes.

4176119
Any chance you'd be making a Royal Princesses version of this (with the possible inclusion of Shining Armor?)

I provided examples of excessively long sentences in my previous post--in order to save space, I only copy-pasted a single clause, but the advice applies to the entire sentence.

Smashing two or three sentences together with commas makes sentiments more superficial rather than the opposite. By putting all those thoughts in close proximity you are making them distract from one another. It's the same effect as removing periods or paragraphing--it just smushes everything into a poorly paced lump of text.

If you really want to rush to the point then start in medias res--skipping it would be preferable than a thousand words of dull buildup.

You want more pretense?

I want consistency--dancing around it one sentence and then being straightforward the next is jarring and perplexing.

It got a bit complicated... I figured a bit of extra explanation couldn't hurt.
Better a tad repetitious then to leave readers confused about what's going on... right?

Except the motions are still only being described in the loosest of terms--saying the same thing twice doesn't make the motion any less vague. If you want the reader to imagine it themselves, then you shouldn't need to repeat yourself. If you want to give a clear idea of what is happening, you should take more a few sentences to describe it.

You could certainly take all my complaints as a style thing, but to me that seems an overly simplistic explanation. Porn can certainly take many forms, but prose doesn't have a lot of options when it comes to immersion. A picture or a film can get away with the barest of setup and emotional elaboration because it doesn't need those things--the act speaks for itself, and all the details are there for the viewer to elaborate on. Prose is completely different. We authors do not have the luxury of describing the act because we can't do it with the fidelity and simplicity of visual media.

That's not to say you can't get popular writing that way--some of the most popular porn authors on this site are atrociously bad writers, and don't see any need to improve past the sort of IKEA erotica you have here because the fandom has low standards.

Using prose to its full extent, however, requires moving past bland stage directions. The medium isn't designed for it, and it doesn't do it well. I've written my fair share of "thrust faster, do it harder" boreporn, and I ultimately had an ephinany when I realized how clinical, repetive and shallow it felt to write. I was ignoring all my instincts as a writer and just doing variations on the same few verbs.

If that's too abstract a counter-argument, then 4185687 echoed my initial concerns quite succinctly.

(I typed this right before bed [again], so if any of my criticisms are actually directionless ranting [again], please say so )

4185687
Heh, yeah, I hope I can improve on those scenes in the future. Especially since I'll be working on some more serious ones in the future.

And cliche or not... flat-chested is just how I see Rainbow as being.
*shrug*
I tried to describe all of them how I'd see them as anthro.
For the record, there's nothing wrong with little boobies. I think it'd be much worse if I tried to make all 6 of them well-endowed.
(Heh, plus it kinda works into Rainbow's bit in the last chapter. )
And with Rainbow... I was trying for the whole 'dirty talking' thing, without being degrading, calling her a slut, et cetera. I guess I didn't pull it off very well. Probably because I'm not all that into it myself.

4188920
I won't rule it out.

4190657
Thanks for replying!

I provided examples of excessively long sentences in my previous post--in order to save space, I only copy-pasted a single clause, but the advice applies to the entire sentence.

Ah... I'll have to find those parts to see what you mean, then.

Smashing two or three sentences together with commas makes sentiments more superficial rather than the opposite. By putting all those thoughts in close proximity you are making them distract from one another.

*sigh*
I should know this already.
*goes back to trying to apply it*

If you really want to rush to the point then start in medias res--skipping it would be preferable than a thousand words of dull buildup.

You really think it would be a good idea to start with the 'and then they had sex' part?

You want more pretense?
I want consistency--dancing around it one sentence and then being straightforward the next is jarring and perplexing.

Ah, well that makes more sense.

You could certainly take all my complaints as a style thing,

Well they are certainly all style complaints. I didn't see any complaints about grammar or mechanics.
That doesn't mean they're not valid, though, and I'm always looking to improve.

That's not to say you can't get popular writing that way--some of the most popular porn authors on this site are atrociously bad writers, and don't see any need to improve past the sort of IKEA erotica you have here because the fandom has low standards.

So... What I really think would help is if you could point me in the direction of a few fics you think are done well in this regard?
I'd like to see examples of what you consider good.

4190871
HAZZAH!!!!!!

4192013
^.^

4190871 In order;

I said that your execution conflicts with your stated goal, not necessarily that I'd recommend actually skipping an introduction.

While most of them were style complaints, sentence structure and description clarity are definitely mechanical issues.

You can check my favorites if you're really curious what I considered decent--none of them are perfect, but they do make good attempts at pacing and sensual description. Whether they rely on their fetishes is something for the reader to decide, though.

If you want to get a better sense of how not to do things, you could read some of the things I've written--I make a lot of the same mistakes I pointed out about your story, so you might get a better sense of them from someone else's writing.

Easily THE BEST clopfic I've read! Grats! :DD

BEST. CLOPFIC. EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Somepony should write an aftermath story:

She entertained a quick thought about it creating some kind of super-friendship baby in her womb/quote]

I just love how Celestia is totally NOT shocked by this.

Well, the ending, was perfect. Great story for a fun read, good job!

~OreoKookie

4201443
Well, I guess I might... I do wish I could get a good example of doing things the right way.

4228251
4252280
Thanks!

4248403
She's 1000+ years old.
She's seen worse.

4282361 When I find one, I'll let you know

4315954

That ending though

4346809
Pretty much my favorite part.

Same here. Celestia: What the fuck is going on here?
Uhm... It's exactly what it looks like

Sounds like Twilight is gonna get punished.

4412599
Sounds like she might enjoy her punishment.

4435965 Please tell me you're working on it.

4436416
Um... okay. I'm working on it.

(Not really.)
(I'm actually working on a few serious, non-clop stories for my main account. The soonest of them will be a heartrendingly sad story about what happened to Chrysalis after the wedding. )

Ahh…. What? That was a good drink of orange juice! Haha anyways great story and totally adding to faves and liking.

5328542
Heh, thanks! ^.^

5594565
If you say so... I've never played that game myself!

5915686
You're right and I'm ashamed I ever found these amusing. Thank you for alerting me to this post so I could delete it.

5919715
Now I'm confused.