Applejack paused at the door and turned around, grinning. “Remember what I said 'bout pullin' the loose end?” She stepped out, closing the door behind her. “Good luck with that!”
On a relevant note, I really enjoyed this story. Perhaps you could make so Applejack doesn't say "WELL TOO BAD" for every other response to Pinkie's 'mmrph'ing
4128937 Also, considering her situation in the last chapter, don't ya think it'll be Twilight coming for her?
Unless she was competent enough to get out of those ropes in enough time to come back down stairs so no one knew about the intercourse withheld on the second story of their humble home fit for a celebration in which the characters had indulged in within this fictional story that coincides with the events of the existing fictional television broadcasts... n' stuff.
4129307 while it is good there is always room for improvement, though in this case there is little to be improved upon, such is the high caliber of this work. I really like the story so far though can't wait to read more.
I didn't like it, and I definitely didn't get a decent fap out of it. There's a lot of gerunds and run on sentences--almost like you were trying to cram as much information into as short a space as possible. This feeds right into the superficial feel of everything; we get a clear sense of what they are doing and how they are doing it, but without elaborating on how they feel and the sensations it causes, that formula makes for very dull porn.
A few examples;
Good thing her friends had brought plenty!
This was going to be fun!
She was getting far too turned on, and her fancy new stallionhood ached for any kind of contact.
tell-y narration
Pinkie jumped, almost dropping her plate. How had she gotten so distracted she didn't notice her friend walking up to her? Her eyes darted back to the dance floor again, seeing Twilight's tail swish back and forth under her skirt. Oh, of course. That's how.
feeling her nice, full balls bump against her thighs as she walked.
Oh, so we dropped all the pretense now?
a certain pink-mottled something peeking out from under it
guess not. These two sentences (and the constant references to a "surprise" earlier in the chapter) are a common pitfall I see in amateur porn. Namely, that the author doesn't really seem comfortable specifically mentioning dicks and pussies and various other anatomical nouns, either because they like using thesauri to avoid the "repetition" thing or because of some moral uncomfortableness.
Applejack's sex
I don't want to sound mean or anything, but this is one of my biggest pet peeves, and I can't understand why anyone does it. Aural appeal and clarity alone should limit the word "sex" to referring to the act.
I found some really interesting pictures in a magazine
So Pinkie has had sex at least five times, but she doesn't know what a penis is? Or she doesn't know what a futa is? Vague plot hole.
for a story that makes a point to advertise an excuse plot, you spend an awfully long time on setup--its a full 1100 words before the actual sexy stuff starts, and the intro doesn't make much point of building up to it.
It cinched around her waist and looped in dizzying spirals.
tying each of Pinkie's limbs to the bed frame.
These sentences contain superfluous narration--I don't want to say they are repeating themselves, but they are definitely presenting the same concept multiple times or in redundant ways.
which devolved into a sensuous lick.
mouth as the raised section pressed into her.
She collapsed down onto the bed
More rushing/piling on description
She let out the breath she had been holding as an explosive sigh.
vague, silly visual
Overall, my main impression was "boring"--you describe actions but only describe emotions in the bluntest way possible. There's more description of the clothing and AJ's abs than of how the characters react to and experience the sex. Third person limited, I can understand not describing AJ's emotions, but Pinkie just feels like a lump. I didn't connect with the characters, and as a result didn't manage to fap successfully.
There's also a lot of cliche porn vocabulary. As above, this can be a result of over-reliance on a thesaurus, but just like non-porn writing, keeping the prose digestible is key to immersion.
Downvote from me.
(I typed this right before bed, so if any of my criticisms make no sense/require elaboration, please say so)
Heh, just like Applejack to take control and want to ride Pinkie like that.
Applejack paused at the door and turned around, grinning. “Remember what I said 'bout pullin' the loose end?” She stepped out, closing the door behind her. “Good luck with that!”
Vinni viddi vinni.
4128610
Perbonus.
"B-but it's my birthday"
4128717
The fourth wall can't even contain her. You really think a few ropes are going to hold Pinkie long?
4128909
And now she's coming for you because you didn't have Applejack untie the ropes ♥
Better write some extra kinky sex to slow her pursuit down~
4128934
Actually, she's coming for Twilight!
4128937
dat reply speed
On a relevant note, I really enjoyed this story. Perhaps you could make so Applejack doesn't say "WELL TOO BAD" for every other response to Pinkie's 'mmrph'ing
4128937 Also, considering her situation in the last chapter, don't ya think it'll be Twilight coming for her?
Unless she was competent enough to get out of those ropes in enough time to come back down stairs so no one knew about the intercourse withheld on the second story of their humble home fit for a celebration in which the characters had indulged in within this fictional story that coincides with the events of the existing fictional television broadcasts... n' stuff.
Kinky. :3
You got my interesst.
4129034
Let's see if I can hold it.
4128972
Um.. yeah.
What you said.
That is some good clop lol
4129285
Then my work here is complete.
4129307 while it is good there is always room for improvement, though in this case there is little to be improved upon, such is the high caliber of this work. I really like the story so far though can't wait to read more.
4129364
Of course.
That's why I love getting comments!
If you spot anything, be sure to let me know.
Oh please tell me you might do a little futa-filly on stallion pegging... Something about it that makes me moist....
Trololololol lololol lololol
there's titties in the cover art
4130296 your icon scares me.
4129590
Sorry, no stallions here.
4129791
Isn't it there already?
Even though I intended to, I think somebody else added it before I even got around to it.
4129992
Appletroll?
4130296
This is 100% necessary.
4130524
Me too, a little.
I didn't like it, and I definitely didn't get a decent fap out of it. There's a lot of gerunds and run on sentences--almost like you were trying to cram as much information into as short a space as possible. This feeds right into the superficial feel of everything; we get a clear sense of what they are doing and how they are doing it, but without elaborating on how they feel and the sensations it causes, that formula makes for very dull porn.
A few examples;
tell-y narration
Oh, so we dropped all the pretense now?
guess not. These two sentences (and the constant references to a "surprise" earlier in the chapter) are a common pitfall I see in amateur porn. Namely, that the author doesn't really seem comfortable specifically mentioning dicks and pussies and various other anatomical nouns, either because they like using thesauri to avoid the "repetition" thing or because of some moral uncomfortableness.
I don't want to sound mean or anything, but this is one of my biggest pet peeves, and I can't understand why anyone does it. Aural appeal and clarity alone should limit the word "sex" to referring to the act.
So Pinkie has had sex at least five times, but she doesn't know what a penis is? Or she doesn't know what a futa is? Vague plot hole.
for a story that makes a point to advertise an excuse plot, you spend an awfully long time on setup--its a full 1100 words before the actual sexy stuff starts, and the intro doesn't make much point of building up to it.
These sentences contain superfluous narration--I don't want to say they are repeating themselves, but they are definitely presenting the same concept multiple times or in redundant ways.
More rushing/piling on description
vague, silly visual
Overall, my main impression was "boring"--you describe actions but only describe emotions in the bluntest way possible. There's more description of the clothing and AJ's abs than of how the characters react to and experience the sex. Third person limited, I can understand not describing AJ's emotions, but Pinkie just feels like a lump. I didn't connect with the characters, and as a result didn't manage to fap successfully.
There's also a lot of cliche porn vocabulary. As above, this can be a result of over-reliance on a thesaurus, but just like non-porn writing, keeping the prose digestible is key to immersion.
Downvote from me.
(I typed this right before bed, so if any of my criticisms make no sense/require elaboration, please say so)
Pinkie Pyro confirmed!!!!!!
So sexy lol
4169122 Oh, read the fucking story, Roger Ebert. Your over the top criticism isn't needed!
Heh, just like Applejack to take control and want to ride Pinkie like that.
Don't worry Pinkie...you'll get out of it.