• Member Since 25th Oct, 2011
  • offline last seen Yesterday

ROBCakeran53


Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants and slide on the ice.


E

Nearly a century after six mares united under Equestria's greatest ideals, one is left to ponder her dreams, her life, and her legacy. In doing so, she may realize that friendship - much like magic - truly never dies.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 379 )

You posted it here?! Oh that is fantastic, if only so that the people on here can read this marvelous story! I honestly was emotional at the end of this and think that even with just one chapter, you managed to really write a great piece of work. Although I doubt anything less could come from the My Little Dashie guy himself! Bravo on just a brilliant piece!

*slowclap?*

Already read it on Deviantart, but here's my comment*
Holy fuck-balls, you've done it again Robbie!
I'll be fair and say it's not as good as MLD, but I don't wanna compare it to anything. This story made me teary-eyed as well, and the whole concept about passing on the elements was just... awesome! :rainbowkiss:
Loved this story, hope to see you do more soonish~
-Glassed

I have to post a comment before the My Little Dashie fangirls squee around.

Stunning. Simply stunning. Very well written.

Here it goes, a critical analysis of Rob's new story. I am going to try something new by first giving a score to different parts of the story before giving a deeper synopsis.
Originality 6/10
Sentence Structure 9/10
Interesting 6/10
Show don't tell 6/10
Charecterization 4/10
Overall 35/50

This story lost most of it's points for me in charecterization and originality, this is because only twilight seemed to have any depth so a four was generous. The originality also suffered because I find that there have been a lot of "growing old" fics lately. This story also lost points in the interest category which is mostly because of the originality and show don't tell imagery that I felt was lacking. His show don't tell use was lacking as well, the sentences told you what happened and conveyed the idea of the story but it didn't help to "paint the picture in my mind" using his words. Sentence structure was good though, I didn't really notice any major grammatical errors but like I said earlier somw felta little bland. As a reader i enjoyed this story but it is critically flawed in some areas.

Remember everyone, this was my opinion you don't need to share it but I ask you to accept it.

345046

Well I do strongly agree with you about the originality aspect of this. There are a LOT of these kinds of fics I've come to discover, but I simply wrote it because the idea came to me and I felt like it. I already knew it had been used a number of times, the only thing I hoped for was that I did it in even the slightest way different than most of the others. Thanks though for your honest review of it! 35/50, that's like a C right? Well, the only class in high school I ever got a A in was American History, so I'm used to C grades :derpytongue2:

I have not read this story, and I probably won't until what I am doing outside of the fandom is finished. But I know its probably good. To the man who reignited my career and passion for what I do. Thank you, thank you for all you have done for me.

That was a beautifully wrtiten story. I love these kind ofstories and Im glad another one graced us on here

Dig

You've done it again. Tears be flowin'. I think when ever you write something, no matter what it is, it has some powerful effect on me :pinkiesad2:
In part to the music aswell. You've done another amazing job, very happy to have stumbled upon this. Loved the transitions between reality and dream.

Not sure what else to say. You certainly have a nack for sad stories.

:heart:

I like it enough.
Part of me wants to be harsh and say the idea's been done before far, far too many times, and that the sole reason for writing at it is to pluck emotional nerves.
But to be honest, everything's been done before, and it shouldn't stop writers from having a go. I didn't think it read particularly badly, but I have to say I wasn't really feeling much magic by the end. That would have been fine if there was a good storyline, but it was a little thin.
Anyway, as one writer to another, I appreciate entirely why you wrote this. I'm sure you enjoyed writing it, and that's what matters most. I didn't hugely enjoy it that much but that doesn't mean it's bad by a long way.

I have comment this at dA but I will say this again, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL. I don't know what to say, from all the fic and story that have this concept, you are the one who literally make my chest stung and cry (eventhough I hold it), it just how you put the emotion on this, it's very touching.
And I know I'm still young and still have my life to struggle to, and this fic makes me really want to make the best of it, thank you for changing my view of life. :twilightsmile:

Rob... Stop making my eyes sweating please :fluttershysad:
I love this story... But... It's seems there is too many Old ponies fic out there that make me not so :fluttercry:
But still, great fic.

damn you man, you got me sobbing in my uniform. I have to go to work right now, thanks alot. That was too beautiful. I love these stories man. Don't stop, we are all waiting to hear what is next:fluttercry:

Listen to this during the lullaby

I love all of your works ROB and I cannot express that enough.

:fluttercry: I love this story! Really descriptive, heartwarming, and proves that friendship lives on after the passing of age.

Fought hard, but ultimately put away.

Though better than the cliche ridden My Little Dashie, this story still fell short for me. It's a major improvement for Rob but it's still not quite there. I'm trying to be as nice and civil about this as I can, I truly am. Rob you've improved, but perhaps the "sad" genre isn't your forte. I would be very interested in seeing you tackle another genre, but you'll probably never make me cry from one of your stories, and I cry easy. You need to work on subtlety my friend.

Gotta agree with what Conventrix and Tamar said up there. Which isn't to say I didn't enjoy it (more on that later), but I feel like I should be honest.

I think the main problem I had with it isn't the fact that this sort of story is so played out by now -- some of the best stories in this fandom have sprung from fairly unoriginal premises, your own My Little Dashie included -- but I just don't think that the story brought enough new to the table to make it stand out in any particular way. There wasn't anything in it that felt surprising or unique: from the moment Twilight says she's going to go and look at her reflection, pretty much everything that happens afterwards pans out in almost exactly the way you'd expect it to. For a fic this short, I suppose it isn't that much of a problem, but all the same, it still makes for a disappointing read.

And this might not have been so much of a problem if the character work had made up for it, but unfortunately I had serious trouble feeling sad that Twilight was about to die. Everything seemed so... well, perfect, I guess. She's obviously had a long, happy, fulfilling life, doesn't seem to have any regrets, and doesn't seem to have lived through any tragedies or whatever (other than her friends dying that is. But even then, she knows that she's going to see them again anyway, so it doesn't feel that sad). And now, right at the end of her life, she doesn't even have any doubts about what happens in the afterlife because she's already been shown it, and then she's even given the chance to say the perfect goodbye to her family before dying peacefully in her sleep. Don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not saying that everything needs to be doom and gloom and depression. However, on the other hoof, combined with the complete lack of surprise in the story, it meant that I found it impossible to feel that sad for her. If anything, I felt kind of glad for her.

If that was the intent of the story then well done! But, you go and use phrases like 'Twilight feeling a single tear running down her cheek', and then you have those dream scenes where everypony's young except for Twilight (it's New Moon all over again)... it gives off the impression that you wanted the reader to be sad. But the sad devices are so obvious (single tears!!) that, again, it ends up harming the story.

... But like I said, I really hope I'm not coming across as too harsh here :fluttershyouch:. There were plenty of things about this story which I enjoyed as well. I loved the device of the music box, for instance, and I think the flashback scene where Twilight and her friends sing her foal to sleep worked brilliantly; you really get across how close their friendship was, and it was a nice touch to put in the link for the music :ajsmug:. And despite everything I said, I do appreciate how sweet everything felt. It would've been quite easy to have Twilight being depressed out of her mind, but she's still hanging in there, bless her, and she still values life even after losing all of her friends. The quality of the prose was good as well; I didn't notice many mistakes, it flowed nicely and I was never confused by anything. Top notch!

Again, I really don't want to come across as harsh here; I just think it's always best to be honest. And like Tamar said, I appreciate why you wanted to write it, and I'm certain that the things I see as being problems won't be for most ponies -- I think you'd better batten down the hatches and prepare to be flooded with 'manly tears' comments. Although I guess you're used to that by now :rainbowdetermined2:

Arg, this was a really long comment. Sorry. I'm looking forward to seeing what you do in future! :pinkiesmile:

345185 345602 345398 345116 These types of comments really should be discouraged. You guys aren't really providing the author with any kind of feedback or anything to go on. Yes we get that you liked the story, but how's about briefly giving a reason as to why? Even if it's just a sentence, at least give the author something to build on. It's very annoying when the people giving negative comments have more of a basis for their comment than the numerous people leaving positive ones. You guys sound like squealing fanboys if you don't at least explain WHY you liked the story.

I think I have something in my eye..:fluttercry::fluttercry:

345620 And its the kind of people like you that make people who like the stores to not comment because we dont want to be flamed. Im bad at expressing why I like stories. So thats my reasoning for not doing so so bite me.

345539 Well quite honestly, I never write to "make people cry", I just write what comes to mind. I've no idea what to say about MLD, why it's so popular, but I'm beginning to fear that people are using that as something to say that my work should be "better" than I'm doing. Honestly, MLD isn't even that good! So I'm not sure what people are saying. You're right on what you say though. I'm no professional by any standards, and I don't aim to be either. I simply try to express some ideas that come to mind and let them go. It was only by chance that I posted another "sad" fic after MLD, but that's only because I'm working on others that are longer than this. I just wanted to show people that I'm not dead, and that I am working. And well, yea it is short. It's meant to be. This type of fic is used A LOT! And I hated the idea of writing my own because of it, but the several people who read it before posting enjoyed it so I did. But still, thank you for the words, and I know that I don't really aim to do sad fics, so hopefully I can get something different on the move here.

345574 No no no, you're not coming across harsh at all. Much like what Mist said, sad fics are not my thing. Lol I just wrote it cause I felt like it, nothing more to it. It urks me that people suddenly are expecting better of me after MLD when that fic wasn't even the best, and I mean hell I've only been writing for a short time. And please, be honest. I prefer responses like yours, for they help me learn. Sure the "manly tear" and "I cried" comments are good (and sometimes funny) to receive, but they don't tell me anything. I'm hoping this is my last sad fic (if it's even a sad fic, I'm going by what others have told me) and I can get back to my other ones. So thank you and everyone else who has left me constructive comments.

345620 Well hey now, don't be too harsh on them. Some people can't express themselves in writing, so they use the images. They can't really explain stuff as to their liking. I know I've been there before. Sure, most can write just a little something, but they use the images to speak for themselves. It's not constructive criticism, but it lets the author know that he's at least done something right, which allows the people like yourself to comment very knowledgeable material. If I was constantly getting flooded by constructive comments I think I'd stop reading them :derpyderp2:

So basically, if anyone reads comments before the fic, just don't expect a MLD killer or anything. It's just a simple, short, one shot of an overly used idea that came to mind one day. If you like it, I'm glad. If not, then I'm sorry I wasted your time. Be fair, be honest, and don't allow my previous work to effect how you truly feel of this one. It's not meant to be anything really serious or intense. It's suppose to... well, hopefully make you smile a little bit. I never aim for a fic to be of a specific emotion because then it feels forced, but I do give the characters the emotion so that you know how they are feeling. Not everyone has the same emotions to the same situation, and that's fine, so just if you see Twilight being sad, don't think you have to be sad too!

Fin

Bittersweet, oh how your stories touch my heart so...
Thank you. -Fin

This was a good read. My only problem with the story however would be the characterization. The emotional impact of the story could been greater if the characters were written better. But that is my ONLY issue with an otherwise good story.

I seriously started crying at the end :fluttercry: It was so sad, but wonderful! I love this!

345665 I'm not flaming, I'm giving you solid advice. Be constructive. It doesn't take much to put "I liked this especially about the story". I'm not asking an in depth analysis, but at least a sentence detailing what you thought beyond "good or bad". If you can't express how you feel about the story then just stick a thumbs up rating on it and leave it be. There's no reason to get upset over it, I'm just stating you would be doing the author more of a favor if you gave some reasoning that's all.

I couldn't really relate to the story as I did with my little dashie, but coupled with that song... You're a wizard. PhillyPu is a wizard. My eyes are still red. If you ever write something again, please post it here again, I will be most happy to read it and weep.

A truly beautiful read. Even if this theme is used more often than not, how you took your own interpretation of it was deeply touching. What I like is that this wasn't linear; by that I mean you used numerous techniques, from a flashback, to dreams, to real life, and the inevitable conclusion where it all tied together. Everything just fit, simply put; the challenge I see was taking all of these different tactics or ideas and having them work and flow. What makes stories interesting, on top of a message, is variety; you didn't follow a linear, straightforward path and the quality of the work shows it.

Fantastic job man. I'll make sure to folder this one for when I'm as old as Twilight and need a good read to remember my days with friends.

345059 heh i guess that was a little harsh, granted i didn't grade like a school paper idea more as how one would review a movie. Your mechanics and the likes were really good and if i had took the time to weight the different sections it would've done even better (but i'm a lazy as hell marine brony) but everything else was how I felt. Besides C is average right. Also like i said as a reader this story was great but taking a step back and looking at it critically I feel like it had some flaws.

Very touching. loved it

This was a somewhat interesting story. I know that it probably was a hard thing to write this, since you already knew that there were stories which already used this premise. But I know how one feels when he has an interesting plot to develop, even if it is built on top of a cliché'd premise. Nevertheless, the Passing of the Element is a first for me; something I found was a very original (although somewhat hard to believe) aspect.
I have mixed feelings about 'dream sequences'. I enjoy the ones that relay me the mind's message, not a spiritual message (but that's just my opinion). In this fanfic, I can't decide if it's either one or the other... I can see a more spiritual aspect about them, but I can also see it somehow as a coping mechanism on Twilight's part.
You seem to focus a lot on the moment rather than on the story as a whole. The story feels... fragmented. And this is not because of the markers that separate dream sequences from the real life sequences. I think this is mostly due to the fact that Twilight didn't feel like she was going to die, y'know?

Here I am, reading this in the middle of class.
Don't cry, dang it... don't... cry...:fluttercry:

345798 Technically it is flaming, you had have been looking ath te comments to just look for someone to insult I mean you chose 3 different people. I personally think its not your business how person comments and lets leave it at that.

345620 Okay, fine. I liked it because it had pretty music to go with it and I'm a sad sorry sop who spends all his time on the internet. Is that the answer you want?

346058 No need to take it so personal. I was just expressing that I disagreed with your conduct. It's not flaming I was trying to give you advice that would be helpful to the author. I had no idea you'd take offense to it and get all angry. If you post something on a public medium such as this, it's everyone's business. There's no need to get so hostile, I was merely making a suggestion to help the author.

346095 There's no need to be so hostile, I was just making a point. O_o

If you liked something it's usually pretty easy to state why, you don't just like something because it exists... O_o

346104 The advice we would give is: Keep doing what you are doing. If I have the time, I'll write something else. But I read and watch ponies on my breaks, so there.


~Jack

PS: It's alright, I guess. I get where you're coming from, the way you wrote that comment just gave off bad vibes.

345719

Well, if you do want to count some sort of victory, MLD did not make me cry at all. It was a nice, sad, touching story, but I could still see what was coming.

This story made me tear up, almost to the point of outright crying with tears down my face, which only one other fic has ever done. I understand that there are other people out there who are writing fics of Twilight and her friends having gotten old and passing on, with some twist or another to differentiate the stories. I could sort of see where this was headed, but that bit of differentiation can still keep things interesting. That song link included in the story probably played a part, too. But considering the fact that I went back to reread the last few paragraphs and had to struggle to fight back tears long after the song ended, you've done a wonderful job.

Thumbsup'd and fav'd. And if FiMfiction was still using a star-rating system, then 5 straight down from the heavens themselves to you good sir.

And hey, even if sad isn't your aim, you seem to be doing a pretty good job of it. Just sayin'.

Muy bueno! Magnifico! Me gusta! Not sure what else in foreign langies I can go for... but... It's very very nice! Rob, you are pure awesome. :pinkiesmile:

345719 Oh good, I'm glad you didn't think I was too hard :pinkiesmile: . And despite everything I said, the story still made me smile, so I guess you could call that a success.

I don't know what it is about MLD. It basically reads as a giant check-list of things that really turn me off in stories, and I think you're more than right to say it 'wasn't even the best' (I'm impressed you haven't let it's popularity go to your head)... yet somehow, it still sort of works for me! Ah, but I'm going waaay off topic here. My point is, it must be pretty daunting releasing new stuff with MLD being so beloved -- especially if you haven't been writing for very long -- but I really hope it doesn't put you off too much, since ultimately I think the main purpose of fanfiction is to have fun writing it and have fun talking about it. I see that in the time I've been away from my laptop you've already gotten some pretty fabulous responses, so I guess ponies are seeing things in this story which I didn't :scootangel:

Also, no more sad fics? This'll be interesting to see!

You've done it once again, Rob. I'd like to thank you for yet another amazing piece of fanfiction, and for helping me find my passion for writing.

~Sincerely,
Ben

Just as good as MLD, Touching, Sad, and Brilliant all at once. Keep it coming.

Rob, are you an auther outside fanfictions? You are amazing!!!

Login or register to comment