Rocinante
Joined 7th Oct, 2012 ·
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Young cum is best cum~
I can't not laugh at this XD
Oho, snap. Rumble's about to get the time of his life.
OH GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME WHY AM I ENJOYING THIS
This is the second story where Rumble gets more than one girl, the first one is PonyxSis by Theta.
Anyway, this is great
Good, good. Let the foalcon flow out.
Really? Rarity sends them to a sex shop?
yes yes yes
Best Apple Family death threat yet!
Just....what? I'm interested at this....just to see how they deal with it....
Dat line though...
Pinkie needs dick...way to be subtle Pinkie
...What, in the Holly Mother of buck am I reading? XD And why am I enjoying this? XD
3683283
*sighs*
I remember my first time with pinkie. y'know multiple detachable lower arm things really helped with the BDSM foreplay
Normal day in the life of me
3682769
Ahl te foalkhan
3684933
so.... your always horny?
Nooo always reading these fics
You missed out a part here.
At first, I avoided this because foalcon. Then, I figured I'd read it because the CMC are usually funny and it was well-received. Then I was disappointed with how suddenly the subject came up. Then it was funny when AJ tried to educate them, and stayed generally funny afterward. So then I figured it would be funny enough to excuse the subject matter and kept reading.
You have a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes and a number of missing words, but aside from that this is a funny take on the characters' sexuality.
It could still really do with a once-over from a proofreader. I was going to post the things I noticed as I read, but my notes have gotten a bit too long for a comment.
3684516 Well, considering Applejack actually tells them to go have sex, the sex shop isn't that bad.
this is getting better by the second, keep it going.
3686905 I guess in this version of Equestria sex is extremely casual.
3687193
In short, yes.
This story started as me wanting to play with removing western taboos from pony culture.
3685310 Are you saying you're not? What does that feel like?
Marshmallow? Is that term used why I think it is? To descride Sweetie Belle?
ancy -> antsy i.e. like an ant running around like mad
"Thinks she’ll go fine Big Mac" you mean find?
I can understand why the colts fear her if she fines them for sex.
3687992
That's how it's been used in other stories... Not the most original thing, and while you can't be original all the time, I'm hesitant at something that feels like a blatant fourth-wall break. (Do they even have marshmallows in Equestria?)
3687687
I'm not sure how to answer that without being insulting...
3688221
They have so many marshmallows in Equestria.
i245.photobucket.com/albums/gg78/evalana/blog/mlpfim_ep0824.png CANNIBALISM
Oh uh, also this story was O.K. It escalated a bit too quickly.
3687134
I'm trying. Hopefully I'll be able to send him the next piece of clop Before the end of the year.
Ahahahahaha, Hockencocks, I couldn't help but get a Ollivander's feel out of it. And the image of the shop keeper acting like Ollivander was too much bahahaa.
Cleaned up my typos this morning. Should look better.
Sorry about that.
3688718
Thank you for commenting on that. I like Vanilla and her shop, I was hoping someone would get a laugh out of it.
One day I might make a serial out of her in her shop. Little shorts about ponies shopping and asking her questions.
This was the best line I have ever heard out of Applebloom in any story ever. Of all time. That was beautiful.
3.bp.blogspot.com/-3Y3R3iPCciA/UiJ4NeaWcgI/AAAAAAAAAog/XVeOMlfDcH0/s640/download.jpeg
You know, I've always wondered why every single clopfic on this site involves all mares in question having marecum, when less than half of all women in real life actually do. Regardless, this is pretty well-written, although the last vestiges of my pre-clop disgust are choosing to show themselves while reading this.
3689998 Because girlcum is sexy.
Having gotten to read the whole thing now, I can say that this was good for clop material, but story-wise, it comes off a bit weak. Though, some of the clop could use a little revision.
The start of this story is slow, and I think you could have removed a good chuck of the beginning without having lost anything regarding the plot. The scene in the classroom for example, and the follow up scenes of the CMC starting their vacation, all of that doesn't really serve the plot if you then follow up with "And then the girls all got their first heat together". Now I like that you made a point to mention that being in out in the sun and being active contributes to a stronger heat in mares, that was actually a very nice setup, but I still think that cutting a lot of the beginning would not have taken away from that established fact that you set up in the story - it's a given that the CMC are outside in the sun a lot because it's established that they spend their time trying to get their cutiemarks, which means they almost always outside anyways.
Another aspect of this story that I found to be shoe-horned in was Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkie. They seem extremely out of character for no reason, and it doesn't advice the plot or the conflict in the story. It could be argued that the encounter with Dash and Shy are what lead Scootaloo to getting her toy, but it's not that important because the toy doesn't come up a lot. In fact, the whole scene of the girls going to the sex toy show should have been built up more. That would have been a good way to show that in this version of Ponyville, where sexual pleasure isn't a taboo, the sex toy shop could have been used to make that connection better. Maybe with having it mentioned in context how the girls always knew the shop was there, but never had an interest in going in, or someone's sister was know to go to that place often. It could have used some extra details to use that place to strengthen the cultural bit of world building that you're establishing here.
As for the clop itself... it's not bad. It feels rushed, which is understandable because you're focusing on three characters who are all pretty much doing their own thing. I think a little you needed to spend a little more time having one of the Mane 6 or even the sex toy shop owner explain to the girls (and through them, explain to the readers as well) just how going into heat was going to change the way they felt and think. The pacing on that could have slowed down, maybe with some of the sexual traits of each of the CMC starting to become apparent the stronger their heat cycle got (and the more the story progressed until they get back at the club house to get themselves off). This could have also helped explain why they chose to go back to the club house and get off together rather than back to their own homes and do it in private. I think there was a missed opportunity there to show just how different the CMC would be after going their their major heat cycle together (maybe even show how the musk from each other could have made their heat cycle worse, along with differences in scent). I like that you do a good job of explaining the physical details, such as smell and sight. Again, I would have recommended you slow the pace down, show the reader the wall-mounted dildo Apple Bloom gets and how she's using it a little more. Try not to neglect things like sound (are they wet enough that you can hear that dildo sliding in and out of Apple Bloom?) and taste (is the musk of the three strong enough that confined club house that they can taste it in their mouths?).
This is still pretty good, and it's always enjoyable to read a clop story where the focus is on all three CMC. I'll be looking forward to the other chapters soon.
3689998
Well, we're not talking about humans; we're talking about mares. And yes... they do, if you really wanted to know. Horses make a hell of a mess.
Oh, my. This story is probably the corniest thing I've read on the site. I do like it though. Loved the way how the CMC just curb-stomped DT in her tracks. Pinkie almost destroyed the story, but she exists only to make others miserable, so I guess that's okay. Still found her ridiculously OOC. One thing that kinda annoyed me was that the CMC are shown to be pretty innocent and lack a lot of knowledge, but still the whole town seems to be about being in the heat the moment they get theirs. It's almost surreal, like the story wasn't really happening.
Okay,i read an story covering Estrus scientifically,emotionally,and sexually,having nice background information,a sex shop scene,diving into characteristics using information that you probably were reminded of,an mare-on-mare sex-scene,so much sex as if you would write the lifestory of pony Charlie sheen,and yet my favorite part is and will be:
Just the way how you grant the CMC the offhand victory over DT just because she isn't important to them right there.Just the fact that you can be able to make a bully character behave normally and still be chased off easily and peacefully.It has the afterthought of the CMC growing up.
It is definitely in my top 20 Fanfiction Moments of all time,probably ranking at number 10-14.
Good clop, though nothing new as such. Rumble X Scootaloo is best duo so waiting for it.
Your story needs more editing and proofreading. It had a lot of missed capitals, typos and other stuff that would be easy to fix if you just took another pre-read through the thing.
It was corny, it was harmless, and it was hot as hell. Thanks.
3687345
It's an interesting social experiment, and it makes sense. The sexual mores of a subset of humans are unlikely to occur in a race of habitual nudists with an estrus cycle. The end result is an enjoyable read thus far. I rather hope you have plans for this beyond the clop; I'm a sucker for innovative world-building.
This story makes me wonder how our society would change if human females went into heat in a similar way to this.
3691290 Clop aside: Thought my story Clastic Glow uses them, I'm surprised I haven written more with them. I really like the CMC as stock characters.
They are avatars of potential, and little moments of growing up can be very powerful with them. I tend to write them a bit older than canon, because I want to focus on the transition to maturity. Getting to strip away western norms lets you really dig into the idea of what that means.
3688718 "The pony does not choose the dildo, the dildo chooses the pony."
3691393 I'm going to have to have another pass over his earlier chapters when I do the next one, aren't I?
3693145 That was beautiful and everyone should love you for it.
Not done reading but I had to comment on that!XD
3692184
Speaking of making them more mature than canon
How old do you say the cmc are in the story?
Don't low why I'm so curious personally I imagined them all 16+ to ease the feeling of foalcon but if this is their first heat they must be what
10-14 hell maybe younger you don't need to answer if you don't want
I don't know the sites policy on underage sex but I'm curious
That also leads me to wonder when the mane 6 lost their virginity though same sex sex complicates it for me
3691393
Throw me a cent and I might be able to get started.