Rocinante
Joined 7th Oct, 2012 ·
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I'm enjoying this so far.
Got me hooked. The characters seem interesting and world feels very alive. The Stable and move to the bar scenes seemed a little rushed but is still a very good story. Fav'd, waiting for more!
she tucked her feet underneath her,
Feet?
3877777
Fixed.
Fuuuuuuuu-
3879533
On the plus side, she will be surely interested in repeat.
Ch 5 got finished this morning, So ch3 gets posted. 4 will be out once 6 is done. I'm spooling ahead, so I can intertwine the chapters more.
You forgot Character Tags
There's quite a lack of emotion to be honest, but other than that it's not too bad.
Bah ha ha ha, tough luck for this poor bastard.
Enjoy a favorite
No character tags?
3882866
3880949
Didn't really think I needed them; HiE automatically implies OC. But if it really bothers people, I'll add the OC tag.
3882928 tags other than oc's are nice
I'd be out the nearest window so fast it would shatter after I left.
Yes let's not ignore the cultural morals you just utterly smashed, not neared, not stepped on. Smashed.
3882928 Yes, but it helps to tell others if you are going to include any main or Side characters.
I find the story interesting so far! I'll keep an eye on it.
Liking this. It's AMAZING!
There is a house in New Orleans.
They call the Risin' Sun.
And it's been the ruin of many 'a poor boy.
And God, I know I'm one.
My mother was a tailor.
She used to sew my new blue jeans.
My father was a gamblin' man.
Down in New Orleans.
quickmeme.com/img/7f/7f33d093b8f483242613e15e456fe37de9269948b09e8ceefa03d240187977c7.jpg
Another perfect chapter, can't wait for the next one
As far as clop-fics go, this one is pretty good.
YOU HAVE MY APPROVAL.
Do write more.
This is surprisingly addicting... I want moar.
This is really good so far. I'm liking the buildup and the glimpses at this facet of the world. Key & Shane are great together and have some interesting banter. Onward to the rest.
3879533
Y'know, I've actually had this happen myself a couple of times while giving a massage. Honestly it never really bothered me when it happened because it denotes a level of trust & care that is very deep; plus the attention you tend to get when she wakes up tends to make it worthwhile.
That was a cute little story in the bazaar with the foal gaining her cutie mark.
I saw it coming a mile away, but it was still endearing.
The scene in bed with Sky was pretty lackluster though, with almost no feeling, tactile response, or emotion to set it apart. It was what I like to call "sex by numbers"; it had all the necessary actions to call it sex, but no real details, flourishes, or personal touches to truly paint the picture and fix it in a reader's mind. In the future, try to focus on the various senses and use plenty of detail to really bring the reader into the act.
You used this in the first chapter as well. I'm pretty sure we're not talking about chemical bonds, so I believe the word you're intending is 'iconic'.
Neither do stallions.
Your editing gets pretty spotty from right around the beginning of the sensual scene through the end. There are a lot of typos--missing words, incorrect words, misspellings, and the like--that could be caught with an extra pass over that section.
Dear Celestia! please move that discussion about STIs to before the sensual scene starts. That takes a tactical nuke to the sexual tension you've built up through foreplay and if a partner of mine brought up something like that right before penetration it'd just be a situation of put your pants back on because the moment is gone.
Once again this sensual scene really suffers from a lack of detail, tactile sensation, and emotion. If this story is an attempt by you to improve your ability with these scenes, I'd suggest spending a bit more time embellishing them and would recommend something like The Erotic Thesaurus to help you with keeping the descriptions varied. If, on the other hand, you're not attempting to improve your ability with those scenes I'd actually suggest that they be left out entirely in favor of just using scene transitions and focusing on the other parts of the story. You have a good talent with pacing and banter but at their current level, your sensual scenes actually hinder more than they help. If your goal is to improve them, you certainly show enough skill in other areas that I think you can do that if you put in the effort, and I'd be glad to offer help & advice where I can
; if that's not your goal though you might just be better served dropping the scenes and moving the story to a teen rating.
3938571
Nope, I meant Ionic, as in architecture of the Ionic order.
I was intentionally glassing over the sex in these chapters. I probably should have fleshed them out a bit more, at least with Sky. Ruby was business, so I wanted to make it feel a bit like business. Unfortunately I didn't break out of that for Sky's scene (which was actually written after Ruby's). I may go back and redo Sky's.
Thank you for your comments. It's thoughtful comments like this, that help me improve.
3939262
Since the first sentence in that article calls it the Iconic Order, I'm still gonna call that a win.
If your plan was to make Ruby feel more like business that's fine, although in that case you absolutely want to improve on Sky's scene so that there's a disparity in the level of emotion and feeling between the two. Also, once again I feel I must emphasize:
Please move that STI discussion to before they start getting into things...
Off to a very nice start. Will definitely keep my eye on this one.
i would fix that if i were* you
4021108
Seems fine to me. I think you're missing the point of the statement. Nothing in Equestria is anywhere near what we might recognize as 'normal', hence "a land without normal".
Also, because I just cant resist now,
it's 'were' not 'where'
4021428
Normal is an adjective, not a noun. An adjective is used to describe things :I
4021491
Yes, normalcy is the noun form. However, "Being a stranger in a land without normalcy isn't the worst fate, just takes a little getting used to." reads funny. On top of that, the line is meant to be dialogue. No one speaks like that. Much like no one actually uses "whom".
4021533
All I am saying is having a glaring grammar error like that doesn't make for a good first impression. And I speak like that.
(Makes me sound cultured)
4021533
I take great pride in knowing the correct usage of who & whom.
4021599
Don't worry though, I had to catch about 4 of that same mistake in this chapter.
(You should also not have an entire sentence inside of parentheses, you just make it its own sentence) 
If you want to sound cultured you shouldn't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4021758
And I would have gotten away with it too.
4021791
Very nice chapter. I'm enjoying this story so far and hope to read more chapters in the future.
Keep up the excellent work
you just anthropomorphized his plane... and i'm honestly hoping there's a reason behind this because it would make things veeeeeeeeeery interesting in later chapters. all things considered, i've seen stranger, and this was well-written, and so this has piqued my curiosity... again.
So let me get this straight. The craft is named Baron. It likes wearing tight fabric with straps and buckles. Not to mention he loves having Pilot so tight inside him. Might as well be german at this point.
Hellooooooooooooo Bondage Ultralight
Or is it Ultralight Bondage?
Seriously though, good chapter.
This is beautiful!
4032722
Of course he's German. He's a Fokker D.VI..
The Red Barron's plane was a D-1.
Oh god this chapter made me cry
I've spent more hours than I can count in the sky and you do form a bond with your aircraft but this really tugged at my heart strings
The poor Baron I hope that he gets rebuilt in the future.
3883776
Be sure you knock the glass out when you go. I'm diving out after you. They're cute(adorable), but....no.
won't stop me from reading this, though.
That's not a bad thing. Geisha performed more services than simply sex, after all, and different people have different ideas of relaxing, though that probably wasn't her original intention. Maybe he could take up being a masseuse. Even in THIS world that makes alot of money if you're good at it. Given that only a few races in Equestria have fingers (and Dragon fingers are clawed) he;d prolly have no end of customers.
4200878
Geisha stallions, are an idea that I don't think has been explored very well.
While I hadn't really thought of it in those words, that is pretty close to how I see the House operating.
Anyway, back to writing ch7.
I'm sure SOME mare will want him to.
Thank you ever so much for focusing more on story than on Clop. Far too many fanfics these days, regardless of what characters are involved turn to crap in terms of story once the sexual interaction starts. It may be too early to say it given how far behind I am, but it still feels right to still say it.
I do hope at some point that he fixes his machine.
This is really good. I'm looking forward to reading more.