• Member Since 13th Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

knightcommander


T

High school can be tough; what with having to dodge bullies, ditzy clique sets, scene kids, meatheaded jocks and the other assorted characters that populate it, it can be a nightmare! That's especially true for the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

All that changes one Hearts and Hooves Day when Sweetie Belle finds out that someone is watching her. This someone isn't a new bully or perverted jock staring at her flank when he thinks she isn't looking. This someone is eloquent, poetic, and very much in love with her. But who could it be? Who could fall for someone so on the bottom of the high school social pyramid? More importantly, what will she do when she finds out?

WARNING: Contains minor spoilers for my other fics.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 56 )

Well. This is oddly sweet, and well written. Good plot, excellent grammar, and I notice not a swear word to be found, which is usually the case for the "CMC in high school" fics. You have a watcher and my upturned thumb, my good sir! Expecting good things from you!

708544

Thanks =)

I usually try to avoid swear words in my fic anyway, unless it's part of a character's personality or it's coming from the mouth of an antagonist. I just don't see any of the CMCs using vulgar language.

Stay tuned, you may be surprised by the ending of this fic :pinkiehappy:

Hmm... Usually the "Ponies in public schools" idea tends to fail miserably, but this one shows a lot of promise! Trackity-track-tracked.

708860
Thanks for the track. I think the end of this fic will surprise you

Hmm, you'd think Sweetie Belle would be popular in high school what with her being Rarity's sister and all (big hips sink ships :duck:). Seriously though, I shall have to give this a read when I get a chance.

708972
True, but then again, Diamond Tiara, who would DEFINITELY be popular, hates her. You know how teenage sycophants can be :ajbemused:

Hmmmm... not sure what to think. The writing is crisp and polished, the characterizations are nice (Though the respetition of sentiments about the scene kids was a bit jarring) and I have to say I love Scootaloo's perky goth style. I was a perky goth in high school myself. The Abby Sciuto look is always good. I'm intrigued by the mystery. I'm not even remotely sure who it might be.

... But I'm very afraid of who it might NOT be. As my stable of stories tells, I have strong, emotional connections with certain couples. But for right now, I suspend judgement, and just track to see what comes of it.

It has promise, do you have an editor, cause I could edit if not...

709731
You're welcome to edit if you want. I could always use the help.

What he said 708544

I like this! Pretty interesting and looking forward to moar.

Possible interpretation of a future goth Scoots that made me laugh:
fc00.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/144/1/0/grunge_scootaloo_by_hobbes_maxwell-d50zf0f.jpg

713340
That's actually pretty close to how I envisioned her "perky goth" phase (cept for the cigarette). :scootangel:

A little rushed but was still D'aaww inducing. Well done. :pinkiesad2:

UPDATE: Expanded the chapter to include some sweet little scenes between our happy couple. Tell me what you think!

Very nice its too bad it isn't longer:moustache:

The best Story I've ever read on here. I've only been reading for a week or so, but I do it regurlar - and nothing comes close to this. Good job! :yay:

Oh, it's over? Well, that changes my comments a bit.

I was going to note the sudden wordcount jump was a little jarring and made me wonder what was up. But I suppose that was done to avoid a serious cliffhanger.

As it is over, I don't need to cling to this with baited breath wondering about the conclusion. I can unfavorite it freely. But I wanted to note the two reasons I would have clung to it to the bitter end, despite having every inclination to dislike it.

First of all, the title touches something deep and primal in me. It was why i read it in the first place. That name sounds like a sanitized version of one of the thousand masks of Nyarlathotep. I thought maybe there was a chance, however remote, this would enter the Cthulhu Mythos. :pinkiecrazy:

The second reason I would have read on was that this story would be almost like a form of self-castigation. All the characters are so... straight, suburban, clean-cut and even, in a broader sense, bland. Even Diamond Tiara as a bully and queen bee is straight and bland. Given the visceral hatred of her I half expect her depictions to include utter liscentiousness and inclinations towards shocking perversities or cruelties. Everyone pairs off well, discord is limited and amusing, and they all fulfill the expected straight-lace white picket fence fantasy. I'm all for happily ever afters but it looks like everyone got hosed down with the Heteronormative serum. And I never use that word. But I think that's it. I was going to read on because this is such a perfect, purified example of heteronormative pony writing that I could feel how others felt reading my gleefully functional, cheery and touching homosocial/homophilial stories. And it feels awkward, I can tell you that.

So, good show finishing it up. I was properly bamboozled. :moustache:

751032
Well, if my style or shippings isn't to your liking, you don't have to read. That is all.

752418

And clearly I will not. The story is over. Your style is crisp and well-done and "shippings" is a bit of a pedestrian way to describe it. I wanted to see the mystery to the end. And in the end it was a third act romance that came out of nowhere, with a chatacter no one has heard of. But that is no matter. It's over. So, good day, goodfellow.

Huh....I have to admite, I really like this stroy, which is odd because I really hate happy endings, but this was well put together, you have a few errors here and there that really don't make sense but it's all chill. Also, who was the father for Twilight (please let it be Spike!) twins? Or Fluttershy, or Applejack, I think it would be cool if you released what happen with the Mane six as the CMC got older, I really like that idea, maybe you could even write a new story as such with the CMC in it as well. And what happened to Pinkie pie?:rainbowhuh:

758548
1. Sorry but, it wasn't Spike (I'm something of a Sparity backer). The father of Twilight's twins is actually (please don't hate me for this) Caramel. I read Squeak-Anon's story and I really developed a liking for that pairing. The father of Pinwheel (Fluttershy's son) is an OC of mine, Hailstorm Tempest. I wrote about them in another fic of mine. Applejack I haven't decided what I'm going to do with her yet.

2. In the future I'm thinking I might do a Caralight and SoarinxDash fic. I haven't decided yet.

3. I do plan on some more CMC centered fics, but what I'm going to do with them is still in the works. A lot of it is going to depend on where I got with my other fic The Eugenics Murders (check it out sometime if you want). It's a derivative work of the infamous Rainbow Factor (with Rainbow Dash as a good guy), but I'm not sure what exactly I'm going to do with it.

4. Pinkie Pie is still there. I just didn't feature her because I wanted to keep the fic focused on the CMC and their friends and immediate family. Though I can says she's the force behind the big festival :pinkiehappy:

Featherweight.

Holy crap, KISS! I love you for that.

765209
Hehe, thanks :pinkiesmile:

But, you mentioned Featherweight in your previous comment. Any reason why? :rainbowhuh:

758789 NNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Eh, it's whatever, everyone has their own view, correct? Hmmm...I guess I can agree with Twi's mate (I'm always down for new pairings) Huh, you don't like Big Mac? Indeed, hope you chose soon.

Shit, I'm down, hoping to see those soon.

BUCK YESSS!!!!!!! Sure, I might take a look at it when I have some time.

Hmmmm.......very understandable, and CMC deserves to be the focus of a story right behind Derpy of course, Pinkie would be the main party thrower.....:pinkiehappy::pinkiegasp::pinkiesad2::pinkiecrazy: :pinkiesick::pinkiesmile::pinkiehappy:

That.......was amazing.......i love you for this:heart:

Best love story ever!

And that's number two. Definitely loved how well RumBelle was laid out, as you don't usually find well written stories based on a romantic plot line. I seriously look forward to more of your stories in this timeline.

And yeah, I'm not reading them in order right now. That's mainly because I found 'Untarnished' first.

By the way are you going to write about them getting married? Because that would be pretty awsome!

Sweet Celestia! Rumble is me!

Great seeing Diamond Tiara spectacularly get a piece of her mind...twice! She is such a b****.

This is the sweetest story ever! All high school romance and still true to My Little Pony with the love and the friendship! This is almost what it would look like if they did a spin-off about the Cutie Mark Crusaders set in the future.

Scootaloo as a perky goth I somehow find very appropriate. :scootangel:

2198521
Spinoff with the CMC? I'd watch it 83

Thanks for the kind comment my friend.

751032 Hey man, I like your stories. But sometimes us heteronormatives like a little fluff like this every once in a while to warm the heart. So there. :trixieshiftleft:

2210900

Oh, I was intending to use that as a resonably precise term, because I've had a lot of classroom time on critical commentary.

I use "Heteronormative" to indicate a rigid kind of superiority or social assumption of the exclusive existence of heterosexual characters. In most media this is usually accomplished with the trope of "Hide your Gays." I also specifically used other terms to mean exactly what I meant. "Homophilial" is meant to indicate love and affection with the same gender, a little softer and more broadly intimate than "homosexual." As well, I mean "Homosocial" to indicate the interactions within one's gender. I had to use both to indicate I mean both the dating and the friendship, with intimacy and just interactions.

I found the story weak because, as I said before, it was an "eleventh hour" surprise. Plus the characters felt a bit weak. Also a lot of the elements were a bit repetitive and just uninteresting. I've seen High School stuff done well, without even adding magical realism, as in something like Revelatory Filly Skydance. "Marimite" or "The Last Uniform" or "Strawberry Panic." This just wasn't there.

2223898>>2210900
Guys, heading this off before you start arguing. Don't turn the comments section into a war.

2227161

I did not intend it as a battle, but as a clarification. I mean, I thought I had valid concerns but I may be wrong. I am sorry that a detailed, semi-philosophical felt like a battle. But I strive for precision.

2261218
I wanted to head it off BEFORE it potentially became one.

Short and sweet :3

3769718
Thanks pal. :twilightsmile:

Check out my other stories when you get the chance?

Comment posted by flame5768 deleted Aug 3rd, 2014
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