• Member Since 20th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen Monday

brokenimage321


My stories tend to focus on emotional drama, especially family drama--and much feels, to boot. Buy me a Ko-Fi! ko-fi.com/brokenimage321

Sequels1

T
Source

After realizing her dream of earning her cutie mark—in the company of her best friends, no less—Scootaloo’s life should have been on an upward course. Instead, she sees herself on yet another crusade, one which will lead her to question her friends, her family, and what it means to love, and be loved. — Takes place immediately after "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" (S05E18).

Editors:
Dreams of Ponies (21+), Level Dasher (36), brokenimage321 (1-23;31), Eruantalon (21 & 22), JackRipper (26, 29, 31)

Prereaders:
I Thought I Was Toast (31+), TheGreatEater (1-24)


(Need more? Scrapped chapters)

Chapters (36)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 376 )

rainbow is going to get it when they find her

"crusaders of the lost mark" takes place during season 5 not season 4 as it says in your description

6983965 Oops. Forgot FIM had a 5th season. Thanks for the spot.

6984028 no problem, just trying to help you out:twilightsmile:

No errors as far as I can see! Great chapter too!

This is just so cruel..... I'm completely devastated now. :applecry:
Such a happy occasion, the happiest in her life, and then everything gets ruined by Rainbow Dash not showing up and thus nopony to celebrate her specifically being there..... That's the saddest thing I've ever read.....
Why didn't Rainbow Dash come? If I get her into my hooves then..... :flutterrage:
And what about Applebloom and Sweetie Belle? Why do they not go after her? Trying to cheer her up and dragging her to the party or at least stay with her and keep her company? It's all of their cute-ceanera, after all! I don't understand this.....

I've finally found a fic in which their cute-ceanera gets really detailed, in all its aspects; food, a giant cake, the presents they got, the games they played at the party and even an afterparty!
That's really amazing, your fic is the first one that really details their cute-ceanera, it's so great that there finally is one!
But that Scoots has it so sad during her cute-ceanera diminishes that joy a bit. I feel so much for her. :applecry:

Oh, thanks Luna that day went better for her! I was anxious while reading this chapter and feared that every moment something would go downhill again, because the first chapter left me really nervous and jumpy. So glad everything went alright.
I hope the rest of the day stays like this.....

7017429

Pinkie?! Why did you kill your alternate universe counterpart and hid her in a tree?! :twilightoops:
And how did you even get there?!

Saturday needs to come faster!

7017443

Oh she's not dead. It's just one of the many, many fragments of her consciousness. You see, when the Elder God From Beyond the Stars that is Pinkie Pie entered the world. She fragmented to many ponies on her quest to spread good cheer and smiles to the planet. All in her sinister quest to throw the most smilerific party in the cosmos.

And yeah, this story has some awesome moments coming up. But I can't say any more without spoilers :trollestia:. Other than this fic is a pleasure to proof read.

7017477

Well, one of these things is already made clear by the "Romance" tag, Rumble as a character and the new cover pic.
It's going to be my first Rumbleloo shipfic that I read. So excited! :scootangel:

hay fries that tasted like cardboard

this made me crave cardboard.

What the f***, Rainbow Dash?! I can't even..... :facehoof:

Something else was more important for you than her cuteceanera, you forgot about her birthday and didn't buy her any presents, neither for her cuteceanera, nor for her birthday..... And you even forgot where she lives and you didn't know that she's an orphan?
Holy Mother of Luna, Rainbow Dash..... You really fucked this up. Royally. Element of Loyalty, way to go!
You're the most terrible sister that ever existed.....
And Scootaloo is nice to you still, which she just does because she doesn't want to ruin her big day with negativity anyway, just so you know!
You don't deserve all this attention from her.



This story..... I don't even know where to begin about the things it does right.
The characterization. Yeah, I think that would be a good start. This is just top-notch.
Fluttershy being too shy to tell ponies straight into the face what she thinks about them, but able to make an exception with Rainbow Dash because she knows her since her foalhood. And her being deadpan serious to Rainbow Dash, like she wants to crush her mind with a hammer.
Rainbow Dash being overburdened with having Scootaloo as her little sister and not being used to it, thus not understanding what big responsibility she has. I can see where this comes from, you have a sharp, analytical mind!
Sweetie Belle stating the obvious truth and getting straight to the point with her statement.
Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle both persistently mad at Rainbow Dash after they saw how much she hurt Scootaloo by not attending their cuteceanera.
All of the rest of the Mane Six being completely scowling at Rainbow Dash and venting her anger about her, each one in her own way; Twilight being cynical (so much that it could cut the air even), Applejack just plain honest and straight-forward without holding herself back and Rarity more eloquently, but with a sneer that cuts in your heart. Except for Fluttershy, who just retreats back to her seat, which is genius on its own.
Rainbow Dash, first cheeky as usual, almost hoofwaving the issue towards her friends, then, as Scootaloo is there, suddenly completely subdued and rueful, as she gets directly confronted with her lack of loyalty and her shortcomings as a big sister.
And then Scootaloo..... Wow, Scootaloo! Showing Rainbow Dash undiluted disappointment in the same intensity she usually shows her admiration, all while expressing anger with laid back ears, eyes as thin as slits and a vigorously lashing tail. Fitting comparison with a manticore too. You don't want to mess with her. And then her only being nice to Rainbow Dash because she doesn't want that Rainbow Dash indirectly ruins her birthday party too, by creating another conflict due to her mistake, all for herself, not for Rainbow Dash. Unusual to see Scootaloo so calculating, but completely justified in this situation and totally how she would react in such a situation!

This is not just written in-character (which most fics are), this is..... absolutely nailed. Absolutely perfect characterization, even in the tiniest aspect (Scootaloo's favourite pizza is most definitely pepperoni, cause spicy is cool), you did everything right here! There is nothing that must be added. This would deserve a spot on Equestria Daily, exactly the way it is!

Then your immersive, captivating descriptions! From Scootaloo doing an awesomely cool stunt with her new scooter, to her eating with the voracious appetite of a chimera, while even being proud of it, it's all like a movie in front of your eyes!

And all the neat little details that make the story so much more lively; Sweetie Belle trying to get Rarity away from another diet to avoid that she's berating her on her figure and eating habits again, Rainbow Dash having to sign a ton of autographs suddenly, all of this really draws you in and and gives you the feeling to be a part of it.

And nice little plottwist with the Ponyville Orphanage already being closed and Mrs. Harbour actually being Scootaloo's adoptive mother. Didn't expect that with the way it was described before.

Speaking about plottwists, the only thing one could be complaining about it in regards to this story is that one can see it already in the first chapter right at the beginning that it goes in the direction it goes in regards to Scootaloo's and Rainbow Dash's relationship, if you know them, but I'm guessing it was also not the intent to make that a huge, surprising plottwist, but instead a foreboding aspect to increase the dramatic of everything.

I'm excited to see how it continues for them and feel bad for Scootaloo already with the inevitable fate of her finding out everything about Rainbow Dash.
If I could favourite it again, I would do this now!
One of the best stories I read here and one of the best stories in general. Look forward to more!

7027722 Well, thank you for your kind words. One thing my last fics did not do well, was convey character's personalities well. One common critixism was that most everyone was "out-of-character". I made it a point this time to come up with something that could very well happen given their default characterizations. Nice to see I'm doing alright in that regard. :scootangel:

...but I'm guessing it was also not the intent to make that a huge, surprising plottwist, but instead a foreboding aspect to increase the dramatic of everything.

Basically, the revaluation isn't meant to be a giant climactic event. Hell, another upcoming plot point is pretty much spoiled by virtue of the cover and character list.

7028301

One thing my last fics did not do well, was convey character's personalities well. One common critixism was that most everyone was "out-of-character".

What? Considering what I read here, I'm beyond surprised to hear this. :rainbowderp:

Basically, the revaluation isn't meant to be a giant climactic event.

I was actually talking about the obvious implication that Scootaloo is Rainbow Dash's foal. I was thinking exactly that when I read the first lines of the story.

Nice to see I'm doing alright in that regard. :scootangel:

Alright is an understatement. This was the first time that I had such an emotional outbreak by reading a fanfic. So far this only happened when I saw something actually happen in the show.
That shows how well-written this is. :rainbowderp:

Doesn't Rumble have Foalsitters?

7044946 Yes.

...they were under the watchful eye of Cloudchaser, Rumble’s foal-sitter, and brief fillyriend of his older brother.

He most certainly does. This chapter takes place in the morning, before school. At the end, Rumble is leaving to go to school.

the one-and-only Soarin’, captain of the Wonderbolts.

I'm fairly certain that Spitfire is the captain, and Soarin is the second in command. Also, Soarin isn't spelled with an apostrophe.

7046258 Well, well, it appears you're right. I'll have to fix that. Thanks for the catch.

This is really good!

Wait... Did I skip a chapter? Is the next chapter about what is happening in the throne room?

7052524 Do you mean what Twilight was discussing earlier? That happens later on. I actually need to outline that part now that you mention it...

7052566 It felt really off leaving it on a cliffhanger right there. The day wasn't over yet than you built a important event in the story that had us waiting to see what happens but than they hype disappears when we're at the next day feeling we miss something.

I'm sure you had plans, but it felt like you miss the opportunity to continue in the thrown room to see what would Twilights response would be for Rainbow for yelling at her to take it back.

This chapter was nice though! :pinkiehappy:

7052613 Oh, I see what you're talking about now. Yeah, next chapter will deal with that. I felt that scene was dragging, so I cut it off at that point. Noted for later on, though.

Very intense chapter again. It's incredible how well you manage it to portray the reactions of Rainbow Dash's friends when they express how angry they are at her and also Rainbow Dash's reactions on that.
We never saw them being so mad at Rainbow Dash before, but you are able to pull that off perfectly. Characterization is definitely your strong side!

Other than that, I found that chapter seemingly hastily edited, as I could find a lot of mistakes. Here's a breakdown:

Apple Bloom need only put on puppydog eyes to show her concern.

Apple Bloom only needed to put on puppydog eyes to show her concern.

Rarity trotted over to Applejack

Her face bright and happy, she added “I had a lot of fun today.”

You missed a few words here.

[...]as she could’ve sworn her heart skipped a beat

Twilgiht’s face

and maniacally looping around her friends

talking of pizza

at some point or another

Sure that this upward trend

Two words in a row sounds a bit awkward here. "This" would be a better choice of words, while saying exactly the same.

Scootaloo absentmindedly watched her unicorn friend in frenzy and frustrate herself with varying degrees of trial and error.

"Frenzy" is a noun, not a verb.



The only thing in this chapter that doesn't sound so well is the part where Rainbow Dash furiously darts at Twilight.
With how extremely mad she is about Twilight's hurtful remark, she does drop it a bit quickly. I would have expected a lot more interaction after Twilight questioned her competence as Element of Loyalty, painfully reminded her on it that she almost was a mother once, on the decennial of the birth no less, AND poked on her guilt even more.
It's not enough to call it OOC, but it is a bit off.
And it's also odd that Twilight doesn't react more to that than with a worried glance and here I'm more prone to use the term "OOC".
Even though Rainbow Dash fucked up hard here and even though Twilight is VERY mad at her, Rainbow Dash is still one of her best friends and Twilight claims herself to be the "Princess of Friendship", so I would expect her to at least notice a little that she really hurt Rainbow Dash with saying this (more with the "mother" comment, but she can't know about that, of course, so she would be clueless what exactly hurt Rainbow Dash so much about her statement).
Not as much as that she apologizes or asks Rainbow Dash straight if something is wrong, that would not be realistic in that heated situation, but just a bit more colorful description of her reaction, something that shows that she noticed that something about her remark hurt Rainbow Dash more than she intended and more than it should in this situation and if it's only a short thoughtful glance at Rainbow Dash.
Long story short, I think you slipped a little here and overdid it a bit with the description of how everypony is mad at Rainbow Dash, by making Twilight look like she doesn't care about her friend at all anymore.
Everything else is excellent, but just this one part could use a few small additions.

So Thunderlane's and Rumble's parents did throw both of them out? Even Rumble who technically should still live with his parents?
Wow, how cruel..... What kind of parents are they? :rainbowhuh:

Edit: 7053765

He has a point there. I didn't notice this before.

Yeah, your timeline gets wonky here. First there is Scootaloo's birthday, then it suddenly jumps into the future to Thunderlane and Rumble sitting at their breakfast together (we don't even know exactly when this moment happened, it could be on the next day right after Scootaloo's birthday, or even a few days later) and then you want to go back into the present again to the talk between Twilight and Rainbow Dash in the castle on Scootaloo's birthday.
And then you probably jump ahead again and when Rumble meets Scootaloo in a later chapter, this is already after the talk he had with his brother at breakfast.
It creates a few curls in your head to think about that. :applejackconfused:
It would be much less confusing if you would interrupt the conversation between Twilight and Rainbow Dash with the little change of scenery to Scootaloo and her friends in the boutique and then switch it back to the castle and have that conversation in the same chapter.
Then having the talk between Thunderlane and Rumble in the next chapter, with Rumble meeting Scootaloo at school right afterwards in that very same chapter, no interlude.

7059905 You raise some very valid criticisms, and a good deal of that was honestly, looked over on my part for varying reasons. The problem with that of course, is that RD is a very important character to this story, and establishing her importance from everypony's perspective is critical for this to all work. If I fail to do that, the rest of the story will simply sputter off a cliff. I certainly may consider re-submitting that one once I take another look, and have time to fix the bugs.


7059981 I never thought of how the reader would view it. As the writer, I always have the story in my head, and know exactly what is going to happen. As a result, knowing what you don't, such a jump doesn't seem jarring to me. This is what proofreaders and editors are supposed to aid with. I really, really would want as many eyes on this as possible in the editing phase, and until that happens, I can't promise more of these gaffes aren't going to happen. I will say with all earnesty though, that five and six are really solid chapters, and don't feature any sudden and misplaced time skips.

Thanks for your feedback, and thank you for reading. It's comments and criticism like this that helps me improve as a writer, and I appreciate it.

7061236

Have you ever tried reading through your own fics after you wrote them and to really let yourself get captured by the plot?
Being able to view your own stories as a reader not as the author can be a very valuable skill.
I look forward to the improvements of Chapter 4!

Love this story so far, hope you'll continue it, how many chapters are there if I can ask?

7065542 Thanks. As of right now, there are six. Six is about 25% done. I don't quite know how many it will have at the end. I have a loose ending in mind, but nothing I can put a number on.

In order for Scootaloo to stay in Ponyville, she is pinning her last hope to her on/off sister idol.

7065687
Have a good ending, cause I like stories with good endings.

7103849 But... what if I don't? :rainbowhuh:

Comment posted by Justin Mershimer deleted Apr 7th, 2016

7104108
I just meant I want Scootaloo to stay in Ponyville that's what I meant, I didn't mean any offense to you.

RainbowDash how could you! :pinkiegasp:

That was really sad... Wait a sec...

I just skipped a chapter :facehoof: I was wondering why the story jump for some odd reason.

7114377 Yup. There's two. :raritywink:

Twi
:twilightsmile: Yes
You f**ed up

Rainbow Dash...

again, like for real

Does RD even care about Scootaloo's well being at all?!!?!!

Oh dashie you bucked up BIG time .....

Shit dash.. Haha you're in for it now.

7046258

Actually, Soarin' is spelt with an apostrophe.

Interested to see how dash will try to work things out

7140731 Awesome! I don't mind at all. :moustache:

7028301

revaluation

revelation.

For some reason, I randomly want a mysterious powerful entity to appear out of nowhere and skewer a few ponies with giant, blood-red spikes produced via magic. Don't know why.

I get scared everytime I read a new chapter.. The drama makes me cringe

7145132 Well, these next few chapters should be nice for you, then. :unsuresweetie:

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!