This story is a sequel to The Assassination of Rarity Belle by the Coward August Flower
(dis)Like what you read? Tell me why! ~Super
Rarity is dead, and Celestia is mourning.
Doctor Whooves takes her, Discord, and Fleur Dis Lee several billion years into the future, to watch the long-princessless sun engulf the planet Earth.
Somehow, he thinks this will make her feel better. Somehow, he's right.
Takes place before Sweetie Beltway and during the middle years of The Many Adventures of Doctor Whooves and Fleur Dis Lee.
Chapters (3)
I think that it'd be considerably ironic to say that I've made the first comment on this rather short story, it was fine regardless, told an interesting tale about perspective, but I just wish that other readers would flock to this as well.
3509714 Thanks for breaking the unintentional community vow of silence. The fact that you wish more people would read this is a HUGE indirect complement, for which I thank you sincerely. I don't really get upset about the fact that many great stories on this site are overlooked because the authors aren't popular or well known, because I know that if I continue to produce well written and well received pony litterature, eventually I WILL get noticed.
Thanks and have a great day!
Very intriguing story. Thought-provoking as well.
I like it.
3594833 thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Before I saw it was a Doctor Who cross, I thought it was an Outsiders cross.
3602343
Man, I remember that book and movie! Good times back in middle school!
I think the narrator injecting their opinion is kind of grating, but other than that this story is quite good.
3610477 Did I do that too much? I'm kind of guilty of that. Perhaps footnotes would have been better. any particular examples stand out?
3610477 Also azumarill is adorable.
3610482
I was talking about this sort of thing:
Like, technically speaking it's possible to make that work, but here it doesn't mesh with the rest of your tone, even if it is Discord.
3610485
Marill is cuter, but Azumarill works well enough!
3610515 I'm torn between my desire to be more professional in my writing, and the fact that I enjoy being (not very) clever. I think I'm just going to leave it, and make sure to use stories like this one to get as much of it out of my system as possible.
Fleur? When did THAT head cannon come up?
Grammatically, this story is more or less sound. Aside from the occasional problem (usually a missing comma), it's not too distracting. However, in terms of prose, it's not exactly good.
I think my biggest problem had to be with the characterization, and through that the dialogue. Almost none of it felt truly believable. Celestia's too formal and reflects little to none of the sadness she claims to feel. Doctor Whooves is... well, his dialogue isn't uncharacteristic so much as just unnatural. He trips over his own sentences too much and just ends up coming across as a bit of an awkward... you know what, he's just an awkward. Awkward is a noun now. That's how awkward it is. Plenty of the dialogue feels like it's there simply to move the plot along, rather than a natural exchange between characters.
As a side note, never EVER use the word "sigh" inside of dialogue as a substitute for someone sighing. it is wrong in so, SO many ways.
I wish I had more to say, but the story's just so mediocre that it's hard to say anything truly bad about it... So I'll just give you a few suggestions. 1: Learn how to set a tone. This story just doesn't have one. It's not sad or gloomy or upbeat or tense or... you get the idea. When making imagery, try using words that reflect the tone you're trying to create. Speaking of imagery... 2: use more imagery! This is probably the most common advice I give, but it holds strong as a huge help for new writers. Imagery can give life to an otherwise lifeless fic.
Your Rating:
Hey, I hope you appreciated my feedback! I can tell I'll have my hooves full this week, so it'd be really, really awesome if you could support me by joining Weekly Watch! Your rating, and many others, will appear in a results thread later this week. Hope to see you there!
3626566 from here http://www.fimfiction.net/story/139478/the-many-adventures-of-doctor-whooves-and-fleur-dis-lee, another story of mine, which in turn was inspired by my collection of slashfics.
3646892 thanks again for reviewing this. I... Ugh. I'm really still very much a mediocre writer, aren't I. So if I understand correctly, I should try to make more dialogue that feels less forced. I will however defend Celestia's stoicism. For thousand of years she's had to put on a brave face for her people regardless of what might be going on, so it would not at all surprise me if she had a hard time letting her emotions out, even in the presence of her close friends. Remember that the only time we have ever seen her cry is when she had to banish her sister to the moon, and she was (other than flashback twilight) alone then.
- Robert Frost, 1923
What will S.E Hinton think of copywrite now?
4208303 S.E. Hinton got that poem from Robert Frost. While it isn't quite yet in public domain, I don't believe, I only use a few lines from it for a non-profit use. I think I'll be fine.
I was responding to Pegasister4Life's comment and what I commented was a JOKE! LAY OFF MAN!
4208323 I'm calm dude. Relax.
I'm only an enviromentalist PSHYCO! LET THE EARTH LIVE! DIE HUMAN RACE!
Don't use those words in front of my mommy. I'm only 4
Just so you know my name's rose and I'm having my mommy type for me on this. She's 76.
And Caan100, I think I know you are in my pre-school, did you make the story, Never tease an Earth pony? You scarred me for life.
4209753 Oh, hello Rose.
Are you 5 years old or older, if so, I need to call the police!
4209796 why is that?
It's a joke!
4213208 I thought so, but wasn't completely sure.
Do you like these pugs? They're mine.
4213271 panzercow.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/pug.jpg ???
I'm pretty confused.
I know I'm joking!
I'm a physicist from California, I've been testing how people react to different kinds of online stimuli, and by the look of you, you didn't do very well.
4213995 how so?
What do you mean?
4214055 how did I not do well?
You reacted lightly rude and were confused about what I was saying, and you know Caan100, that person happens to be sitting next to me right now. Ask her. Ask her if she knows lotr2012/rose. She will say yes.
4214090 I apologize if I came across as Rude; it was certainly not my intention. That I know caan100 is news to me.
I have to end this conversation, I have work to do.