• Member Since 12th Aug, 2015
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

tom117z


A Twilight Sparkle fanboy who also likes to write. The author of the Change series.

E

This story is a sequel to Doctor Whooves: Born Into Darkness


The end of all things. When the universe dies all is meant to be empty of life...

The Doctor knows this, but he can't help but be curious. So he travels to the last star holding out in the void, slowly blinking out as a massive black hole in the centre of what is left of the universe prepares to begin life anew, as it has done so many times before.

But the star isn't alone...

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 12 )

Would you kindly slow down, good sir? You're rushing this story like you wrote it at gunpoint. Very sloppy.

"The Doctor watched the console intentlty"-->Also nice typo. You killed the mood. I was actually interested for a moment, and I thought you were a good writer. Apparently spell-checking is too hard for you.

It also seems like you can't stay on topic for very long. You jump all over the place, like in: "I look up at the tree questioningly, as I it can answer my question. Of course it cannot. So I look towards the entrance instead." Yes, we're aware looking up at a tree can't answer your question. Sounds like fluff to me.

Writing ain't for you, sir. Find another hobby.

tom117z #2 · Jun 30th, 2016 · · 1 ·

7352385 You know, there is constructive criticism and there is being a dick throwing insults around. Though I do thank you for pointing out the spelling error, I did miss that one, a common mistake when reading your own writing.

Also, I just read your page.

Greetings to all who read my page, and welcome. This is the page of Pakola Zechnost, a legendary, prestigious writer who is also an award-winning critic.
I started out in Gloucestershire, England, where for 2 years I studied vocabulary and yore and proper English writing. Since then I have graduated from the University of London with a master's degree in writing, and I have won several writing contests in Europe. I currently live in Belgrade, Serbia.
My famous works include Balm in Gilead, Shrieks Rung against the Cave Walls, and An Andalusian Tragedy. I critique other "writers" on this site to hopefully make them better. Based on what I've seen so far, no amount of work can fix most of these clueless amateurs.
I don't have high hopes on the quality of work, for most of the time there are amateur writers who pay no attention to structure or detail. It is one thing to have an idea in mind, but to absolutely vomit it up on a website without any thought to it is just shameful. I have yet to find a decent fiction.

Tooting your own horn aren't you? Yeah, we get it, you got qualifications. Good for you. You also appear to be a self entitled prick who would get along quite well with Prince Blueblood.

I write largely for fun, this was a spur of the moment story that I enjoyed writing. This is a site where the majority of us share our own fictions and love of MLP. If you don't like it, fuck off. There are is no room for arrogant ass-hats here.

I respect writers and critics who are constructive, but also kind and fair. You are not that. And you don't deserve the title of 'critic'.

I suggest you find another hobby.

Have a pleasant day.

The FEEEEEEELS!!!!!!!!!!! :fluttershbad::raritycry::applecry:

Well, the story certainly short and sweet, though it could certainly do with some improvement, mostly in the way of formatting.

Because there are no such thing as stars.

Not anymore.

Except for one.

Try merging these two separate sentences into one. I understand the need for assigning certain sentences to their own paragraphs, but the way three sentences are their own paragraphs in quick succession is a tad overboard.

Of course it cannot. So I look towards the entrance instead.

There is something out there, somehow. I am not alone, but how? Unless…

Could it be?

Could he be here?

He once told me he doesn’t like endings, so why would he be here?

Maybe he got curious.

Or perhaps…Perhaps he somehow knew I would be here?

These too.

The Doctor pressed a few controls and set The TARDIS out of the time vortex and into normal space once more.

As he scanned the immediate area all he could see was darkness. An empty void devoid of life.

I can feel something.

Something I have not felt in a very long time.

A presence.

Somepony is here, walking upon the face of this world. And they are approaching.

But nothing exists anymore, how could somepony else be here?

I look up at the tree questioningly, as if it can answer my question.

Of course it cannot. So I look towards the entrance instead.

I'd recommend italicising the thoughts that Twilight has as she reacts to the presence of the Doctor, while leaving the actions as it is, like this:

I can feel something. Something I have not felt in a very long time. A presence. Somepony is here, walking upon the face of this world. And they are approaching.

Nothing exists anymore, how could somepony else be here?

I look up at the tree questioningly, as if it can answer my question.

Of course it cannot. So I look towards the entrance instead.

Rarity. Pinkie Pie. Applejack. Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy.

I remember all their names.

So why can’t I remember mine?

And like this too. TBH, I'm conflicted as to whether the names of Twilight's friends should have their own paragraphs or be lumped in together. But in the end, the choice is yours.

Nice! I'm not normally a fan of Doctor Whooves, but you pulled it off, somehow, and the image of a lonely Twilight waiting out the end of the world is rather striking. You evoked quite a bit in under 3000 words, and that's nothing to scoff at.

7356606 Thanks! :twilightsmile:

It was my first try at a one shot, I normally stick to longer stories.

Twilight is like Equestria version of Lady Me, A.K.A Ashilda

This... is good. Not great, but good. Better than some (a lot; Ed.) things I have written (and shall never scar the face of the internet).

As this is a subject I might be approaching myself in one of my own stories eventually, it rings all the right bells in the right ways. The isolation, the loneliness, the anguish Twilight's feeling... It gives the right tone of finality to the end of everything.

As has already been pointed out, it does feel a little rushed. You could have made it twice as long while keeping the story succinct, but then again, the universe is heading for it's final crash here. Endings like this happen at a breakneck pace as well, so it can be considered appropriate.

So ignore those who say

'writing isn't for you'.

This is, at the least, enjoyable enough to be read again. And please, continue to write.

I will be watching...

PakolaZechnost : Fuck off you arrogant dick.

People like you are the reason I never took an English class, or a literature class, or any type of class that said it would improve my writing beyond others abilities. Because I knew it would turn me into a critic, a thing that lacks the ability to enjoy. I did not want to become someone like you.

Now take your elitist, entitled, and noble self out the door and don't let it hit your fat ass on the way out.

I just read this and I really have only two things to say about it.
1) Sniffle. . . .
2) Sob.

My hart weeps at this but it's grate tho cude you make a preqill

for exampl the doctor takes derpy to another unavers that hassint died yet



p.s if you do ad the DALEKS INTO IT OR BE EXTERMINATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OBEY OBEY OBEY:twilightangry2:


P.P.S sorry for my temper but i'm the prince of the DALEKS and being a DALEK make's it hard to
cuntroll my temper sorry:fluttershysad:

I am not much of a writer, I have dabbled in it but it is not something that really sticks for me. Anyways I think you did a fine job with this one-shot, it was short and sweet with a feeling of I don't know...quiet acceptance at the end. As for the nasty commentor I suggest deleting his comment and reporting/blocking him. There is absolutely no excuse for that kind of garbage on this or any other story on this website. Even if what his description is true he is a textbook example of a hater, I would not be surprised if he was also a self proclaimed "True Fan" as well. Don't let him get you down.
I recently started on a science binge reading books from the brilliant late theoretical physicist Dr. Stephen Hawking, which led me to search for sciencey stories here in particular about Black Holes (a fascinating topic) which led me here.

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