- Member Since 5th Feb, 2013
- offline last seen January 22nd
Aleksandr Sherbet
Mediocre FanFic writer and Pro shoutcaster! "You wouldn't shoot a guy with glasses!
Aleksandr Sherbet
Joined 5th Feb, 2013 ·
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Seems fine to me
Maybe a missing word or two but I can't wait for next chapter.
And so it begins, hey dude thanks for give me credit there, I really appreciated it
So far like and Fav
You should really go over your writing a few times, words were missing aswell as some punctuation. Other than that it is good so far.
Nice nice, please go on kind sir.
keep up the good work comrade
3378128 I'll be sure to fix the problems
3378682 thanks for warning me of the issues
This just sounds sloppy to me. It almost sounds like you couldn't decide. Instead of this, try;
Or something along those lines. I'll follow this, just to see where it goes.
3380428 thank you I'll try to fix my problems. Right now I'm working on chapter 2
3380453
every story you make is just so good I have to fav it
3380619 thank you for your fav and support.
Good so far, but the lack of proper punctuation is a bit of a turn-off. Maybe you need an editor?
3380675 yes I need an editor but can't find one sorry
3380731
Try here http://www.fimfiction.net/group/97/looking-for-editors
3380877 thank you!
This is interesting. I can't wait to see where it goes....
3380731
If you wait a week, I could volunteer...
(I'm doing One-Shotober, so yeah.)
3381260 really thanks I already finished chapter 2 so that'll come up tomorrow morning but yeah I could wait.
3381267
By all means, keep writing your story. It can always be edited even after it's published. If you find an editor soon, that's fine too. I'm just offering when I'm available.
3381277 alright thanks I hope you enjoy the story thus far as there is much more to come.
The writing quality is somewhat lower than some of your other fics.
I agree with hs0003, even your last chapter was of a better quality than this one. You forgot to capitalize several names, Pinkie's among them.
INOPPORTUNE COMMA AND SPELLING!!!
Environment.
I have to say, you have captured Pinkie Pie almost spot on. Fluttershy doesn't seem shy enough though. I was expecting her to cower and squeak in fear at Dread, as is her way.
Waiting for more.
3382923
I can answer fluttershy being not as shy is because she.....grew some damn balls and got more "normal" it.
In the story It didn't show and specific time period so she must have gotten better in the authors eyes
(but still love flutters for the way she is)
YOU CAPTURED PINKIE PIE RIGHT OFF THE BAT HOW U DO IT BOY~SLENDY
Slendy's right you captured pinkie pretty good and i have to agree with truth, you didn't specify time periods. still a like and a fave from both of us~shyZilla
An interesting setting. But it contains some errors in spelling and punctuation. Also, it feels like you could've given the main character a complete character rather than being "you", considering all the characteristics already applied to the person.
Interesting story nevertheless, and I'll follow it with gusto
3382923 sorry I'll try better next chapter
3383492 with Pinkie there fluttershy got a bit braver alright since Pinkie thinks that dread is a friend fluttershy also thinks as him as a friend
I've been waiting for a story like this, keep it up!
I could volunteer to be your editor
Again, I'm offering to be your editor.
3385680 really PM me.
3385755 I was gonna volunteer to be your editor, but I'm already helping someone else. Sorry!
3385987 it's fine you go and help someone else I'm sure I can find someone.
3386016 Btw, that picture looks so fucking cute dammit!
3386020 which one my avatar or the cover art
3386040 Cover art.
3386049 awesome
My complaints:
Unnecessary 2nd person. This work of fiction could be altered from 2nd person to either 1st or 3rd with no loss of quality (and an expected gain). If you think you should be describing the appearance, personality, or actions of the primary protagonist, don't use 2nd person. It makes it far easier to break suspension of disbelief and (usually) doesn't help anything.
Poor grammar. Not the worst I've seen (by a long shot), but still below average.
3386136 okay one thing if you don't like 2nd person don't read simple as that. Now I write second person because I like being in the center of the story just because the protagonist has features doesn't mean it makes it bad I've read stories that have the primary name and description of the character so yeah.
Also I'm not the best writer by a long shot so I'm trying to find an editor so yeah don't like it read something else.
3386314 Look, man, if someone is giving you there honest opinion about a work, it means they care about it and wish it to be better than it was. It's not him trying to be mean, and the fact that he read it in the first place shows that he wants to read it. Be mature enough to understand that constructive criticism is meant to help the author, not criticize the work.
So don't go off on a guy just because you don't agree with him. Leave that to the politicians.
3391317 yeah I get that now I was just trying to point out that some 2nd person story already have a preset character for ya.
3391330 Okay, cool.
Everyone's happy!
3391335 yeah that's fine
Longer chapters would bring out more insight and detail
Seeing as it was mostly about just the host's reactions with barely anything from the two Ponyvilleans it was rather good! However, you COULD add some more of the thought process for Fluttershy and Pinkie (I know, it's hard to try and come up with believable thoughts for the premiere party pony
).
I'd be happy to read more!
Hunh.....Flutters managed to make man,and mans best friend,Drop their jaws in awe.......I'd believe it
3392445 I will try
You know I kind of wonder how things are back at ponyville, oh well I can't wait what would happen next and if Shy will be brave enough to go treat or trick this Halloween