After a freak accident with magic Fluttershy and Pinkie end up in our world. You find them and maybe even start a relationship with them but, first you gotta help them act human.
Seeing as it was mostly about just the host's reactions with barely anything from the two Ponyvilleans it was rather good! However, you COULD add some more of the thought process for Fluttershy and Pinkie (I know, it's hard to try and come up with believable thoughts for the premiere party pony). I'd be happy to read more!
You know I kind of wonder how things are back at ponyville, oh well I can't wait what would happen next and if Shy will be brave enough to go treat or trick this Halloween
either something that involves leather or stockings maybe cat based but I am fucking perverted so I have lots of ideas also I want to share this totally irrelevant video nothing to do with Halloween at all and totally not one of my favorite songs not at all ALSO WARNING TO ALL PEOPLE WHO ARE SQUEMISH OR IS A PANSI DO NOT WATCH thank you
I'm sorry, but I am having trouble believing how everyone is so easy going about the situation.
The ponies aren't freaking out over the fact that they are no longer ponies. If anything, I would imagine that little detail would cause at least Fluttershy to be a hyperventilating nervous wreak. And then there's how quickly they managed to get the hang of walking upright. I can understand Pinkie doing so, cuz, yeah, it's Pinkie, but Fluttershy should be moving around that easily only a few hours with her new form.
Then's there Dread/me. Honestly, I think this story would work better in first person. Second person is were the audience fills in the backstory of the POV character with their own, but you're giving alot of details to Dread's life, most of it implied true, far more than a typical 2nd person story usually does. But back to Dread himself, he's far too laid back while dealing with 2 women he found naked and unconscious in what was essentially a back alley parking lot. If that doesn't scream rape victims I don't what to say about his mind. While it is a bit more cliche, them popping up in his yard right in front of him while he was walking his dog or something would be more likely to result in his course of action. Cuz, personally, with the initial sequence of events, I would have dropped them off at a hospital or police station. And even doing that, they are several ways of still having the displaced ponies end up back in Dread's care. And I'm rambling again, back to Dread, why doesn't he pursue more information out of the 2 girls, like how they ended up in the ally? And what exactly does he want Pinkie and Fluttershy to keep secret? He hasn't done anything noteworthy, nefarious or otherwise, to worry about, and the girls haven't said anything out of the norm except a brief blurb about cutie marks, which given what exactly was said, could still be written off as culturally significant tattoos.
And that brings us to Dread's friends. What 20 year old woman do you know is going to be that nonchalant about an 18+ year old male that lives alone deciding, out of the kindness of his heart, to shelter not 1, but 2 hot chicks that seemingly have no shame with walking around buck ass nude 24/7? I don't even mean just anger or disappointment, I mean the whole spectrum of emotion outside of 'Meh, they seem nice'.
Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mean to bash the story, but so far it has been down right impossible for me to suspend my disbelief, which in turn makes it hard for me to enjoy the story. And truth be told, it has potential to improve and entertain, I just wanted to point out how a touch more forethought, some more detail, a more active editor, and some over all polish can drastically increase the quality of the story.
3418634 It's okay, no need to apologize. I understand to need to rush the set up and get to the meat of a story. Admittedly, I have yet to post a story, I still understand. Thing is, I am a firm believer in how you approach the set up can either make or break a story. So, just take your time, sit back and think out some of those odd but important details you skimmed over these first 3 chapters, do a little retcon if deemed necessary, and then come back strong for chapter 4.
Ok.... First thing's first. I like the story! It is interesting, even if a bit rushed, but I can get over that. I like the idea of it and I am backing this thing 100%! The part that has not been addressed in the comments that I have seen is the misuse, or lack of, proper punctuation. Yes "punctuation Nazi" BUT I am one that finds these things annoying because, even though I can get around it, it just makes it that much harder reading it in my head. Mainly when a sentence runs together with no definition of pauses, or further more, actual breaks in it which can better portray the meaning of the sentence. But overall this is proving to be an interesting story for me. That is it from me. Hope to see more!
Does anyone notice that in one of the chapters pinkie pie says that were they came from PONIES didn't usually wear clothes and he didn't manage to pick up the fact that she said ponies
There's hardly any insight being presented. Everything is face-value and not much to leave a aftertaste at least. It's written well enough to warrant a follow, but not a like. The story is interesting enough.
I love this chapter itwas a awesome read .looks like Pinkie and FlutterShy found there soul mate frinds .I can't wait to see what happens next to them all.And i liked the longer chapter.
Longer chapters would bring out more insight and detail
Seeing as it was mostly about just the host's reactions with barely anything from the two Ponyvilleans it was rather good! However, you COULD add some more of the thought process for Fluttershy and Pinkie (I know, it's hard to try and come up with believable thoughts for the premiere party pony).
I'd be happy to read more!
Hunh.....Flutters managed to make man,and mans best friend,Drop their jaws in awe.......I'd believe it
3392445 I will try
You know I kind of wonder how things are back at ponyville, oh well I can't wait what would happen next and if Shy will be brave enough to go treat or trick this Halloween
I have a weird yet sexy image of fluttershy and pinkie and what they will be on halloween
I would like longer stories because I love reading your stories! They're always so cute.
3394136 what is your guess.
To clarify what I said on the pm, I meant friday night.
3394847 alright thanks
3394949 Also, I forgot to follow you so yeah.
3394599
either something that involves leather or stockings maybe cat based but I am fucking perverted so I have lots of ideas also I want to share this totally irrelevant video nothing to do with Halloween at all and totally not one of my favorite songs not at all ALSO WARNING TO ALL PEOPLE WHO ARE SQUEMISH OR IS A PANSI DO NOT WATCH thank you
3395268 oh okay then.
I'm sorry, but I am having trouble believing how everyone is so easy going about the situation.
The ponies aren't freaking out over the fact that they are no longer ponies. If anything, I would imagine that little detail would cause at least Fluttershy to be a hyperventilating nervous wreak. And then there's how quickly they managed to get the hang of walking upright. I can understand Pinkie doing so, cuz, yeah, it's Pinkie, but Fluttershy should be moving around that easily only a few hours with her new form.
Then's there Dread/me. Honestly, I think this story would work better in first person. Second person is were the audience fills in the backstory of the POV character with their own, but you're giving alot of details to Dread's life, most of it implied true, far more than a typical 2nd person story usually does. But back to Dread himself, he's far too laid back while dealing with 2 women he found naked and unconscious in what was essentially a back alley parking lot. If that doesn't scream rape victims I don't what to say about his mind. While it is a bit more cliche, them popping up in his yard right in front of him while he was walking his dog or something would be more likely to result in his course of action. Cuz, personally, with the initial sequence of events, I would have dropped them off at a hospital or police station. And even doing that, they are several ways of still having the displaced ponies end up back in Dread's care. And I'm rambling again, back to Dread, why doesn't he pursue more information out of the 2 girls, like how they ended up in the ally? And what exactly does he want Pinkie and Fluttershy to keep secret? He hasn't done anything noteworthy, nefarious or otherwise, to worry about, and the girls haven't said anything out of the norm except a brief blurb about cutie marks, which given what exactly was said, could still be written off as culturally significant tattoos.
And that brings us to Dread's friends. What 20 year old woman do you know is going to be that nonchalant about an 18+ year old male that lives alone deciding, out of the kindness of his heart, to shelter not 1, but 2 hot chicks that seemingly have no shame with walking around buck ass nude 24/7? I don't even mean just anger or disappointment, I mean the whole spectrum of emotion outside of 'Meh, they seem nice'.
Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mean to bash the story, but so far it has been down right impossible for me to suspend my disbelief, which in turn makes it hard for me to enjoy the story. And truth be told, it has potential to improve and entertain, I just wanted to point out how a touch more forethought, some more detail, a more active editor, and some over all polish can drastically increase the quality of the story.
3418607 sorry but I kinda forgot about all that I was focused on making the story setting up the plot.
3418634 It's okay, no need to apologize. I understand to need to rush the set up and get to the meat of a story. Admittedly, I have yet to post a story, I still understand. Thing is, I am a firm believer in how you approach the set up can either make or break a story. So, just take your time, sit back and think out some of those odd but important details you skimmed over these first 3 chapters, do a little retcon if deemed necessary, and then come back strong for chapter 4.
3418709 thank you ill try to make the forth chapter better
Ok.... First thing's first. I like the story! It is interesting, even if a bit rushed, but I can get over that. I like the idea of it and I am backing this thing 100%! The part that has not been addressed in the comments that I have seen is the misuse, or lack of, proper punctuation. Yes "punctuation Nazi" BUT I am one that finds these things annoying because, even though I can get around it, it just makes it that much harder reading it in my head. Mainly when a sentence runs together with no definition of pauses, or further more, actual breaks in it which can better portray the meaning of the sentence.
But overall this is proving to be an interesting story for me. That is it from me. Hope to see more!
Moar please
more please i am really liking this
More plz
you should have twilight and her expression once she discovers what happened
3761334 this story has two other spin offs I'm making so try to guess who else is in the story
3761806
yay plz me your almost done ii can't take it anymore
3761806
um rainbow dash oh oh discord waite no is it applejack I need to know!
Does anyone notice that in one of the chapters pinkie pie says that were they came from PONIES didn't usually wear clothes and he didn't manage to pick up the fact that she said ponies
Update please ?
3762935 He probably just assumes she really likes equines.
More man, more...
There's hardly any insight being presented. Everything is face-value and not much to leave a aftertaste at least. It's written well enough to warrant a follow, but not a like. The story is interesting enough.
I'll be reading...
I love this chapter itwas a awesome read .looks like Pinkie and FlutterShy found there soul mate frinds .I can't wait to see what happens next to them all.And i liked the longer chapter.
OMG, that cracked me up. Not only did the surprise dread/you, they got the dog too