After a freak accident with magic Fluttershy and Pinkie end up in our world. You find them and maybe even start a relationship with them but, first you gotta help them act human.
It's.... an okay chapter. You definitely need a proofreader ASAP, most of the mistakes can be fixed from him. Also, an editor would be good, as this chapter is too short for my liking.
And finally, one mistake that really bugs me is that they KNOW about meat, bacon, cow, and all those things. What bugs me is that they didn't bat an eyelash about it, hell, Fluttershy was even crying tears of joy about the bacon.
This story definitely has a lot of potential, and I'd hate to see it wasted on little mistakes a proofreader/ editor can fix, chapter lengths, and characters acting OOC.
4929335 ...Oh. Jeez, I forgot you hadn't written this since October. Uh.... heh- heh.
Anyway, I wouldn't have minded waiting one or two more days so you can get your chapter longer, and your characters well... in- character. And I would offer to be a proofreader to you, but I'm trying to make my first story and I'm pondering ideas.
Aleks, did you forget that Fluttershy feeds fish to animals in the show? Making chicken, pork, or beef is fine, but she still knows that animals can be omnivores or even carnivores. HELL, she has a pet BEAR!
I like how this story is going. Like a reverse My Little Dashie, but with Pinks and Flutts turning human and adjusting to the human world. Keep up the story. Looking forward to more.
It's been little over a week since your trip to the park and things have gotten slightly better, you've managed to teach Fluttershy and Pinkie about the basic rules of society, which was more or less a struggle.
You just lost a HUGE opportunity for storytelling, providing insight into "Dread" and his friends, driving the plot by fleshing out your characters, providing material for Pinkie and Fluttershy to react to and ect ect. You missed out on at least three chapters worth of juicy material.
OH THE IMPLICATIONS!! One would think you simply lampshaded content you were not up skilled enough to handle and thus the unimaginative, handwave passage of time-that just cheapens the experience.
I lost my desire to read further for tonight seeing as how that first sentence totally killed it. One last thing before I sleep: A WEEK?! DO YOU EVEN LIFE??? It won't sure as hell take a mere WEEK to teach them shit about some crazy, backwards world compared to the one they're used to. I am very concerned about your perception of reality now.
Although these things have punctured holes into your story and leave your authorship in question, these things haven't equated into a deal breaker-yet.
5726531 well it's on hiatus I'll come back to it eventually, there's a few other stories I'm working on not to mention a few life thingys for me to consider and all
5727996 that's understandable. I just didn't want to start it yet and be left wondering what would happen. Take your time! Better late and better then soon and bucked up.
...
Yea that didn't come out like I wanted it to.....s
It's.... an okay chapter. You definitely need a proofreader ASAP, most of the mistakes can be fixed from him.
Also, an editor would be good, as this chapter is too short for my liking.
And finally, one mistake that really bugs me is that they KNOW about meat, bacon, cow, and all those things. What bugs me is that they didn't bat an eyelash about it, hell, Fluttershy was even crying tears of joy about the bacon.
This story definitely has a lot of potential, and I'd hate to see it wasted on little mistakes a proofreader/ editor can fix, chapter lengths, and characters acting OOC.
For a second I believed Fluttershy Was going to puke or something for eating meat.
4929307 I haven't written for this story in months so bare with the short chapters and OOC characters
4929335 ...Oh. Jeez, I forgot you hadn't written this since October. Uh.... heh- heh.
Anyway, I wouldn't have minded waiting one or two more days so you can get your chapter longer, and your characters well... in- character. And I would offer to be a proofreader to you, but I'm trying to make my first story and I'm pondering ideas.
Aleks, did you forget that Fluttershy feeds fish to animals in the show? Making chicken, pork, or beef is fine, but she still knows that animals can be omnivores or even carnivores. HELL, she has a pet BEAR!
4932746 I have not written for this story in months so bare with me. And I haven't seen anything MLP related in a month in a half.
5046532 I know right!
Alek thank you so much for updating! You don't know how long I have waited for this update I'm like crying happy tears right now
I like how this story is going. Like a reverse My Little Dashie, but with Pinks and Flutts turning human and adjusting to the human world. Keep up the story. Looking forward to more.
You just lost a HUGE opportunity for storytelling, providing insight into "Dread" and his friends, driving the plot by fleshing out your characters, providing material for Pinkie and Fluttershy to react to and ect ect. You missed out on at least three chapters worth of juicy material.
OH THE IMPLICATIONS!! One would think you simply lampshaded content you were not up skilled enough to handle and thus the unimaginative, handwave passage of time-that just cheapens the experience.
I lost my desire to read further for tonight seeing as how that first sentence totally killed it. One last thing before I sleep: A WEEK?! DO YOU EVEN LIFE??? It won't sure as hell take a mere WEEK to teach them shit about some crazy, backwards world compared to the one they're used to. I am very concerned about your perception of reality now.
Although these things have punctured holes into your story and leave your authorship in question, these things haven't equated into a deal breaker-yet.
I will be reading...
Are you dropping this story? I don't wanna start and then throw a tantrum because I wasted time to be met with a drop off...
5726531 well it's on hiatus I'll come back to it eventually, there's a few other stories I'm working on not to mention a few life thingys for me to consider and all
5727996 that's understandable. I just didn't want to start it yet and be left wondering what would happen. Take your time! Better late and better then soon and bucked up.
...
Yea that didn't come out like I wanted it to.....s
Iloved this chapter it was funny it had me LOTF .and it was a awesome read I can't wait to see what happens next.
Gah. Gottdamm Seattle. You'd think it's the capital or something -_-